{"id":38793,"date":"2021-06-04T15:48:00","date_gmt":"2021-06-04T19:48:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=38793"},"modified":"2021-06-16T19:20:48","modified_gmt":"2021-06-16T23:20:48","slug":"brene-brown-shame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/brene-brown-shame\/","title":{"rendered":"Bren\u00e9 Brown: Shame Resilience in 5 Steps"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Why is shame so detrimental to our self-worth? What are Bren\u00e9 Brown’s five steps to developing shame resilience<\/a>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Shame is built on foundations of fear, self-hatred, and the sense that you\u2019re not \u201cenough.\u201d Worthiness simply can\u2019t flourish if you think this way. That’s why it’s imperative to develop shame resilience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Continue reading for Bren\u00e9 Brown’s shame resilience<\/a> guide from The Gifts of Imperfection.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Combating Shame to Fuel Worthiness<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Before we discuss Bren\u00e9 Brown’s shame resilience guide, we’ll first discuss why shame is so detrimental to your self-worth. Shame is the conviction that you will never be good enough<\/strong>, and that because of your flaws, you\u2019re not lovable and will never belong. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everyone experiences shame at some point; it\u2019s an innate part of being human. It lurks in many places\u2014for example, in our opinions of our bodies, our age, our sex lives, and our finances<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You might feel that shame is, in some ways at least, a positive thing. You may believe that the fear of feeling it helps to \u201ckeep you in line\u201d and discourages you from acting shamefully. However, any apparent benefits of shame pale in comparison to the harm it does to worthiness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How Does Shame Prevent Worthiness From Developing?<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Shame prevents worthiness from developing because it\u2019s completely antithetical to everything worthiness represents.<\/strong> It\u2019s built on foundations of fear, self-hatred, and the sense that you\u2019re not \u201cenough.\u201d Worthiness simply can\u2019t flourish if you think this way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Likewise, shame encourages you to reject and hide parts of yourself<\/a> that you think others will judge or dislike\u2014for example, your flaws and your failures. It convinces you that people won\u2019t like your flawed and complex true self<\/a>. It also tells you that if you admit to your flaws, people will no longer be able to see all of the positive things about you. Instead, they\u2019ll become overly focused on the bad. Therefore, you should hide your flaws at all costs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ultimately, worthiness can\u2019t grow if you feel ashamed of and hide parts of yourself.<\/strong> You\u2019ll never feel good enough if you believe that there are parts of yourself that you can never show. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

How We Deal With Shame<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Research has shown that we frequently deal with shame in three unhealthy ways:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. We distance ourselves from other people by hiding our true selves, withdrawing from our relationships, and keeping secrets.<\/li>
  2. We try to please those around us so that we can \u201cearn back\u201d our worthiness. <\/li>
  3. We express our shame through aggression and by shaming others.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    None of these approaches to shame will help you to cultivate worthiness.<\/strong> They each go against the three key worthiness values of courage, compassion, and connection. Distancing yourself harms your connections with others, and goes against the idea of using ordinary courage to express your true feelings. Shaming people isn\u2019t compassionate and will harm your connections with others. People-pleasing creates an uneven connection based on too much giving and not enough receiving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Bren\u00e9 Brown’s Steps For Shame Resilience<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    A better, healthier way to overcome shame<\/a> is to develop shame resilience. Having shame resilience means being able to identify shame as it occurs and move past it in a healthy way that protects your worthiness.<\/strong> For example, shame resilience may involve challenging the self-critical thoughts that shame triggers<\/a>, or evaluating the validity of your shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    To develop shame resilience, you need to follow five steps:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Step 1:<\/strong> Learn how shame manifests<\/a> for you so that you can quickly identify and address it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Do you experience physical sensations when you feel shame, such as a dry mouth or a pounding heart? Does shame make you fall into certain thought patterns\u2014for example, \u201cI\u2019m not good enough\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m a bad person\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Step 2:<\/strong> Identify and evaluate the root cause of your shame. Does your shame come from not meeting societal expectations\u2014for example, body shame triggered by non-conformity to societal beauty standards<\/a>? Does it come from the opinions of loved ones\u2014for example, shame over being single coming from familial expectations that you should be married by now? Does it come from your own expectations\u2014for example, shame that you haven\u2019t met the standards of behavior you\u2019ve set for yourself?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Consider whether these expectations are really valid, or whether they\u2019re unhealthy and unrealistic. Is not meeting these expectations really something to be ashamed of?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Step 3<\/strong>: Challenge the societal messages that equate imperfection with inadequacy. Reject the idea that if you make mistakes or have flaws, this automatically makes you \u201cnot enough\u201d or shameful. Being imperfect shouldn\u2019t be a source of shame. Everyone makes mistakes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Step 4:<\/strong> Talk to someone trustworthy about your feelings of shame. If you refuse to talk about your shame, it will fester and consume you. However, discussing shame takes away its power. It gets the shame out of your mind and into the world, where you and others can address it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Step 5:<\/strong> Avoid the unhealthy reactions to shame outlined above. Consider whether the unhealthy response that tempts you is going to reduce your shame or protect your worthiness. If it\u2019s not, think of a better way to respond. For example, if you want to deal with shame by withdrawing from your loved ones, force yourself to reach out and talk to someone instead. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    (Shortform note: For more on shame resilience, read our summary of Bren\u00e9 Brown\u2019s Dare to Lead<\/em><\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Example: Bren\u00e9 Brown\u2019s Shame Resilience<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    One day, Brown received an email from a reader of her blog that criticized her photography skills. She felt shamed by this negative feedback. Initially, Brown decided to respond to this shame with aggression: she drafted many rude replies to the email that all shamed the sender in return. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    However, something stopped Brown from actually sending the mean replies. Instead, she decided to call a friend to talk about the situation. When Brown told the friend about the rude responses that she\u2019d drafted, the friend replied that she could never be so brave as to send those emails. Instead, she\u2019d respond to this type of criticism by just crying for a while. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Brown thought about this. She realized that for her, sending a response that shamed her critic wasn\u2019t actually a brave or healthy thing to do. Instead, the courageous way forward would be to let herself be upset about the email, but not reply to it, thus ending the cycle of shame. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    In coming to this realization, Brown was practicing shame resilience. She recognized her shame; told others about it, and ultimately rejected destructive behavior.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Why is shame so detrimental to our self-worth? What are Bren\u00e9 Brown’s five steps to developing shame resilience? Shame is built on foundations of fear, self-hatred, and the sense that you\u2019re not \u201cenough.\u201d Worthiness simply can\u2019t flourish if you think this way. That’s why it’s imperative to develop shame resilience. Continue reading for Bren\u00e9 Brown’s shame resilience guide from The Gifts of Imperfection.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":38806,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[42,43,24],"tags":[385],"class_list":["post-38793","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-motivation","category-self-improvement","category-society","tag-the-gifts-of-imperfection","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nBren\u00e9 Brown: Shame Resilience in 5 Steps - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Shame is built on foundations of fear, self-hatred, and a sense that you\u2019re not \u201cenough.\u201d Here are Bren\u00e9 Brown's steps for shame resilience.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/brene-brown-shame\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Bren\u00e9 Brown: Shame Resilience in 5 Steps\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Shame is built on foundations of fear, self-hatred, and a sense that you\u2019re not \u201cenough.\u201d Here are Bren\u00e9 Brown's steps for shame resilience.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/brene-brown-shame\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-06-04T19:48:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-06-16T23:20:48+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/girl-hiding-her-face.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"973\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"638\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Hannah Aster\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Hannah Aster\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/brene-brown-shame\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/brene-brown-shame\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Hannah Aster\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/f39f52830e4f7039a16e45d12354542f\"},\"headline\":\"Bren\u00e9 Brown: Shame Resilience in 5 Steps\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-06-04T19:48:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-06-16T23:20:48+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/brene-brown-shame\/\"},\"wordCount\":1121,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/brene-brown-shame\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/girl-hiding-her-face.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"The Gifts of Imperfection\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Motivation\",\"Self-Improvement\",\"Society\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/brene-brown-shame\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/brene-brown-shame\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/brene-brown-shame\/\",\"name\":\"Bren\u00e9 Brown: Shame Resilience in 5 Steps - 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