{"id":35929,"date":"2021-06-01T09:33:56","date_gmt":"2021-06-01T13:33:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=35929"},"modified":"2021-06-03T21:42:15","modified_gmt":"2021-06-04T01:42:15","slug":"rejection-in-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/rejection-in-love\/","title":{"rendered":"Rejection in Love: Heartbreak Is Healthy"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Does your partner ever reject your feelings? How is learning to reject certain feelings and values of others actually a healthy thing?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you don&#8217;t have any rejections in love and in life, then you have no values. It&#8217;s normal and healthy to have different values than your partner but you must <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/when-to-say-no\/\">set boundaries<\/a> because you can&#8217;t be responsible for your partner&#8217;s problems. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Keep reading to learn how rejection in love can lead to a healthy balance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The Importance of <strong>Rejection in Love<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Our culture tells us to always be positive and accepting of everything \u2014 to say yes. <strong>But you have no values if you view everything as equally valuable.<\/strong> Values give your life meaning and purpose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Choosing certain values automatically precludes others. For example, if you choose the value of having a good marriage, you have to reject values that would undermine that, like indiscriminate sex. We\u2019re defined by the values we reject as well as by those we choose. We have to do both.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It comes back to giving a f*ck about some things, and rejecting or choosing to not give a f*ck about others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>An inability or unwillingness to practice rejection leads to unhealthy love relationships. It blurs the boundaries between partners when one or both assume responsibility for the other\u2019s feelings, rather than rejecting that role.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To have a <strong>healthy relationship<\/strong>, there must be <strong>firm boundaries<\/strong> between the partners and their values. Each person must:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Accept responsibility for their problems, and refuse to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/accepting-responsibility\/\">take responsibility<\/a> for their partner\u2019s problems.<\/li><li>Work on their own problems with the other\u2019s support.<\/li><li>Be willing to both reject and be rejected by their partner.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Over-Identifying With Your Partner<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Literature and entertainment extol <strong>unhealthy relationships<\/strong>. They promote a notion of romantic love in which two people over-identify with each other. It\u2019s characterized by drama, displays of emotion, and roller-coaster ups and downs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Shakespeare\u2019s Romeo and Juliet represents the epitome of unhealthy love \u2014 which of course ended in tragedy. Some scholars believe the play was written to satirize this concept of love and show how warped it is.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>However, romantic love hasn\u2019t always been celebrated. Until the mid-19th century it was viewed as a distraction and an impediment to getting important things done, like farming and other methods of making a living. Most marriages were arranged with economic stability as the priority.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Romantic love can be like an addiction, giving temporary highs but creating long-term problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>It\u2019s characterized by entitlement on the part of one or both people.<\/li><li>They either assume responsibility for their partner\u2019s problems, or they hold the other person responsible for their problems. They do this to escape their own problems.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Blurred boundaries are reflected in statements such as: \u201cHow could you make me feel so stupid in front of my sister?\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t do that to me again.\u201d \u201cStop going places without me \u2014 you know it makes me jealous.\u201d People who say these things push the responsibility of how they feel to their partners, instead of taking personal responsibility and making a choice about how they feel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Rejection in Family Relationships<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Responsibility-shifting can happen in family relationships too. For instance, a mother fixes all her children\u2019s problems, and they grow up believing others should take care of things for them. (This is why problems in your relationship can echo those of your parents.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/sense-of-entitlement\/\">Entitled people<\/a> blame others or accept blame or responsibility for another because they\u2019re trying to feel loved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>If they play the role of victim, someone will save them and they\u2019ll feel loved.<\/li><li>If they fix the other person they will be loved and appreciated.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Victims and savers are attracted to each other (people with healthy boundaries don\u2019t interest them), but they end up unable to meet each other\u2019s needs. Each is selfish, and uses the other to get a high.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Since the relationship is conditional, they\u2019re afraid it will fall apart if they reject the other\u2019s demands. By contrast when temper flare-ups happen in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/building-healthy-relationships\/\">healthy relationships<\/a>, feelings may be hurt temporarily but neither is responsible for the other\u2019s feelings because they know that rejection in love is normal.\u00a0<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Maintaining boundaries in a <strong>healthy relationship <\/strong>doesn\u2019t mean partners don\u2019t help and support each other. They support each other by choice, rather than due to pressure or a feeling of obligation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In a healthy relationship, you don\u2019t need to give a f*ck about everything your partner cares about. But you care about your partner regardless. Your love is unconditional.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Does your partner ever reject your feelings? How is learning to reject certain feelings and values of others actually a healthy thing? If you don&#8217;t have any rejections in love and in life, then you have no values. It&#8217;s normal and healthy to have different values than your partner but you must set boundaries because you can&#8217;t be responsible for your partner&#8217;s problems. Keep reading to learn how rejection in love can lead to a healthy balance.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":35947,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12],"tags":[290],"class_list":["post-35929","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships","tag-the-subtle-art-of-not-giving-a-f-ck","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Rejection in Love: Heartbreak Is Healthy - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Rejection when you&#039;re in love is normal and healthy. Rejecting somebody&#039;s advances means that you actually have values, which are important.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/rejection-in-love\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Rejection in Love: Heartbreak Is Healthy\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Rejection when you&#039;re in love is normal and healthy. Rejecting somebody&#039;s advances means that you actually have values, which are important.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/rejection-in-love\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-06-01T13:33:56+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-06-04T01:42:15+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/say-no.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"969\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"613\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Hannah Aster\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Hannah Aster\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/rejection-in-love\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/rejection-in-love\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Hannah Aster\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/f39f52830e4f7039a16e45d12354542f\"},\"headline\":\"Rejection in Love: Heartbreak Is Healthy\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-06-01T13:33:56+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-06-04T01:42:15+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/rejection-in-love\/\"},\"wordCount\":775,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/rejection-in-love\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/say-no.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/rejection-in-love\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/rejection-in-love\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/rejection-in-love\/\",\"name\":\"Rejection in Love: Heartbreak Is Healthy - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/rejection-in-love\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/rejection-in-love\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/say-no.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-06-01T13:33:56+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-06-04T01:42:15+00:00\",\"description\":\"Rejection when you're in love is normal and healthy. 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