{"id":35736,"date":"2021-05-31T18:14:36","date_gmt":"2021-05-31T22:14:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=35736"},"modified":"2021-06-03T21:43:14","modified_gmt":"2021-06-04T01:43:14","slug":"good-values-to-have","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/good-values-to-have\/","title":{"rendered":"Good Values to Have vs. Destructive Ones: How to Pick"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What are some good values to have? Which values can be destructive? What are some counterintuitive good values?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Defining your values is important because without values, you have no identity. Values can be both constructive and destructive and can be a determining factor in whether you&#8217;re happy or not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Keep reading to learn what some good values to have are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Good Values vs. Bad Values<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Your <strong>values<\/strong> are what you believe to be important and want to achieve. Our values and standards can be constructive or destructive \u2014 they may lead to good problems that we enjoy solving or to problems that stymie and frustrate us, leading to unhappiness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Good values<\/strong> to have are based on fact, are constructive, and have an outcome you can control.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, being honest is a good value because you have control over how you implement it, it\u2019s factually determined, and it\u2019s constructive (telling someone the truth may be unpleasant but could benefit one or both of you).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Other good values include behaving ethically, doing constructive work, standing up for yourself, supporting and caring for others, and self-respect. They are factually based, constructive, and you can control them. You also develop them internally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Bad values <\/strong>are non-factual, non-constructive, and out of your control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, being popular is a bad value because it\u2019s based on what others think of you, which you don\u2019t control. It\u2019s also not factually or reality based: feeling popular doesn\u2019t mean you actually are popular.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Unhealthy values include dishonesty\/lying to others, manipulation and force, overindulgence in something, always feeling good, always being liked, attention-seeking. They are not fact-based or constructive. They can be externally driven.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Destructive Values<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>To take this idea further, here are some common <strong>destructive values<\/strong> that lead to difficult or even unsolvable problems:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Pleasure: <\/strong>It\u2019s an important part of life but not sufficient for happiness in and of itself. If you make feeling good all the time your priority, you\u2019ll run into problems. For instance, drug addiction, adultery, and obesity can result if you prioritize pleasure. Besides creating difficult problems, you end up feeling more miserable, anxious and depressed.<ul><li>This superficial form of pleasure is constantly marketed and sold to us. But it doesn\u2019t last. You may use it to distract yourself from pain in our lives, but pain doesn\u2019t go away unless you address the underlying causes.<\/li><li>A deeper, lasting form of pleasure results when you base your life on constructive values and standards and handle challenges successfully.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Material success<\/strong>: People often base their self-esteem on what they own or how much money they make. But research has shown that continuing to acquire wealth provides less and less satisfaction, once your basic needs are met.<ul><li>When you rank wealth\/success and its status symbols above deeper values as honesty, ethics, and caring (which impact others), you become arrogant in addition to being shallow.<\/li><\/ul><\/li><li><strong>Always being right<\/strong>: Research shows that we\u2019re wrong about things frequently if not constantly. If you don\u2019t admit mistakes you can\u2019t learn from them. It\u2019s better to assume ignorance and set the stage for growth.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>Staying positive<\/strong>: Staying positive has benefits, but it\u2019s counterproductive and unhealthy to deny reality when it\u2019s bad, or to repress negative emotions, because this leads to more problems.&nbsp;<ul><li>Sometimes things go wrong, people disappoint and upset you, you experience rejection, etc. Denying this perpetuates problems. Constantly being positive is a way of avoiding dealing with problems rather than solving them.<\/li><li>Denying problems through forced positivity deprives you of the chance to derive satisfaction from solving them. Dealing with challenges such as raising a child or starting a business is stressful but gives life a sense of meaning and accomplishment. We even look back at these struggles with nostalgia.<\/li><li>When you have negative experiences and emotions you need to express them in a healthy and constructive way that reflects your values. (For example, if nonviolence is a value, you can\u2019t hit someone when you\u2019re angry.)<\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Poor values don\u2019t lead to meaning and accomplishment. If you adopt the right values and standards, satisfaction and accomplishment will result.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Prioritizing Your Values<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>When you have poor values and standards, you\u2019re giving f*cks about things that don\u2019t matter and lead to difficult or unsolvable problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>By contrast, <strong>when you adopt good values and standards, you reserve your f*cks for things that lead to good problems and enhance your well-being.&nbsp;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, after leaving the Beatles Pete Best eventually reprioritized what he cared about, and defined success differently, which led to a satisfying life. Adopting and prioritizing good values \u2014 choosing constructive things to give a f*ck about \u2014 is what self-improvement is all about.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Five Counterintuitive Good Values<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>\ufeffThe rest of the book discusses five beneficial, but counterintuitive values (they run counter to cultural and social media messages). They require addressing problems rather than avoiding them through denial or feel-good exercises.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/accepting-responsibility\/\">Taking responsibility<\/a><\/strong> for everything that happens in your life, whether or not it\u2019s your fault<\/li><li><strong>Accepting uncertainty<\/strong>: Accepting that you might be wrong, and that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/you-cant-know-everything\/\">you don\u2019t know everything<\/a>. Examining and doubting your beliefs.<\/li><li><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/embracing-failure\/\">Embracing failure<\/a>:<\/strong> Being willing to uncover your flaws and fix them, as well as learn from what goes wrong.<\/li><li><strong>Practicing rejection<\/strong>: Focusing on a few important things, and rejecting unimportant things. Also developing the ability to say \u201cno,\u201d and accept \u201cno\u201d from others.<\/li><li><strong>Reflecting on your mortality<\/strong> to keep your life and values in perspective.<\/li><\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What are some good values to have? Which values can be destructive? What are some counterintuitive good values? Defining your values is important because without values, you have no identity. Values can be both constructive and destructive and can be a determining factor in whether you&#8217;re happy or not. Keep reading to learn what some good values to have are.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":36322,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[20,43],"tags":[290],"class_list":["post-35736","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-ethics","category-self-improvement","tag-the-subtle-art-of-not-giving-a-f-ck","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Good Values to Have vs. Destructive Ones: How to Pick - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Why do your values matter so much? Because without values, you have no identity. 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