{"id":32260,"date":"2021-04-09T23:31:22","date_gmt":"2021-04-10T03:31:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=32260"},"modified":"2021-04-19T21:26:48","modified_gmt":"2021-04-20T01:26:48","slug":"dating-in-your-20s","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/dating-in-your-20s\/","title":{"rendered":"Dating in Your 20s: Is It Worth It?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Is dating in your 20s important? Should you seek to find love in your 20s?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dating in your 20s can be a challenge. Even if you aren’t looking for love right now, this is an important time to learn about what you might want in a relationship and a future partner. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read more about dating in your 20s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Dating in Your 20s: Advice and Steps<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

We get much less information and training on how to find a long-term partner than we do on how to find a career. And yet, choosing a marriage partner<\/a> arguably has a more lasting effect on your long-term happiness. Giving the topic serious thought now, in your twenties, will decrease the chances you\u2019ll have to settle later. The following sections are some guidelines that can help you approach dating in your 20s mindfully. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t Date Down<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

When you date down<\/a>, you date people you\u2019ve outgrown in maturity, experience, and insight, and in doing so, you prevent yourself from finding a person you have a more meaningful connection with. A person often dates down when her identity stories reflect difficulties from her past: Someone who was neglected as a child or bullied as a teen often harbors negative beliefs about herself that cause her to make poor decisions<\/a> as an adult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fortunately, you can change the stories you tell yourself about yourself. Listen carefully to your identity stories and recognize which parts of them come from other people\u2019s judgments, evaluations, and advice. Examine those elements and decide which ones you can disregard. Then find a new story to take its place. If you\u2019ve been raised by emotionally abusive parents, and now find yourself having serial one-night stands, look at who you are<\/a> now and what you\u2019ve accomplished, and focus on where those traits can lead you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seek a Similar Personality<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Relationships are far more likely to be successful if the two people involved are fairly similar in personality. Personality is the overall way you interact with and react to the world: your outlook.<\/strong> It\u2019s not about the experiences you\u2019ve had but how you\u2019ve handled them. It\u2019s not about what you like but why you like it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The \u201cBig Five\u201d personality model<\/a> outlines five major personality traits that a person can have. A person has each of these characteristics in either low, medium, or high levels, and learning this can help you with dating in your 20s. They are:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Openness: Are you practical, conventional, skeptical, and reluctant to try new things? Or are you open to new experiences, intellectually creative and curious, adventurous, and insightful?<\/li>
  2. Conscientiousness: Are you easygoing, sometimes careless, spontaneous, and a bit prone to addiction? Or are you disciplined, organized, and responsible?<\/li>
  3. Extraversion: Are you shy, independent, cautious, and recharged by alone time? Or are you outgoing, active, chatty, and energized by others? <\/li>
  4. Agreeableness: Are you combative, suspicious of others, and contrarian? Or are you cooperative, trusting, flexible, and affectionate?<\/li>
  5. Neuroticism: Are you secure in yourself and emotionally resilient? Or are you moody, anxiety-prone, and easily triggered? <\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    There\u2019s no \u201cright\u201d or \u201cwrong\u201d personality on any of these scales, but we are often more compatible with people who lie somewhat near us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Don\u2019t Cohabitate, or Do It Wisely<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    Many young adults think that living with a partner before marriage will allow them to \u201ctry out\u201d a marriage before committing and will result in a stronger union. Unfortunately, the statistics don\u2019t back this up: Couples who live together are actually more<\/em> likely to divorce down the road than those who do not. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The effect seems to be a result of the fact that when people cohabitate, they often end up passively and reactively sliding toward a marriage, rather than proactively deciding on one.<\/strong> This can result in two people getting married for reasons like sunk costs rather than because they are actually right for each other. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Interestingly, the cohabitation effect<\/a> does not hold for couples who move in together after<\/em> becoming engaged, most likely because they\u2019ve consciously chosen the marriage rather than slid into it. If you are considering moving in with your partner<\/a> before marriage, get clear about their long-term goals and commitment level before you move in and keep an eye on the costs of leaving. Make sure the constraints keeping you in the relationship don\u2019t get so burdensome that you would be unable to walk away. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Pick Your Partner With Your Family in Mind<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    When choosing a life partner, it is easy to forget that the decision involves more than just the two of you; it involves a future family that includes your partner\u2019s family as well as the children you create. The family you create and adopt with your partner will define your life in the decades ahead. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Of course, you shouldn\u2019t settle down with a partner just because you love her parents and siblings. However, you should give your situation serious thought if you are considering settling down with someone from a family you don\u2019t feel comfortable in. Marrying into a family you don\u2019t fit into will affect your happiness down the road. It may also reflect values in your partner you\u2019ve overlooked or convinced yourself not to worry about: emotional distance, for example. Examine these values closely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    This is, again, not to say that you should reject someone based only on her family. But her family must factor into the decision. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Don\u2019t Delay Marriage to Prevent Divorce<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    Young adults today are putting off marriage not only because of the societal expectation to but also because of a fear of failure<\/a>. People believe waiting until they are more mature and settled in their careers will prevent them from marrying someone they\u2019ll later grow apart from. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    However, delayed marriage is not the protective element against divorce that people imagine it to be. Although marriages between very young partners (like teens) have high rates of divorce, after age 25 the divorce rate stabilizes at around 40 percent. And putting off marriage creates other difficulties and risks:<\/p>\n\n\n\n