{"id":31450,"date":"2021-04-06T06:59:55","date_gmt":"2021-04-06T10:59:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=31450"},"modified":"2021-04-10T19:18:05","modified_gmt":"2021-04-10T23:18:05","slug":"radical-forgiveness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/radical-forgiveness\/","title":{"rendered":"Radical Forgiveness: Give Yourself a Break"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Has somebody hurt you so badly that it feels like you can’t and don’t want to forgive them? Do you feel so much shame about something you did that you can’t forgive yourself<\/a>? What is Radical Forgiveness?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We can\u2019t hate ourselves into being good people. Only with Radical Forgiveness and Radical Acceptance can we find the wisdom and compassion to correctly respond to our situations. We must learn to forgive<\/a> even those who have betrayed us because doing bad things doesn’t make someone a bad person. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Continue on to learn about Radical Forgiveness. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Seeing the Goodness in Everyone<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

When we feel betrayed (like by a cheating spouse, for example) we often lash out in anger. We attack the one who hurt us, and initially put the blame on him or her. However, many of our negative experiences also put us into the trance of unworthiness\u2014we come to think that we\u2019re having problems because there\u2019s something wrong with us. Our outward resentment of that other person then reflects our inner resentment of ourselves\u2014the betrayal confirms our feelings that we\u2019re unworthy of love. We can stop that cycle of resentment with Radical Forgiveness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Resentment <\/em>means \u201cfeeling again.\u201d Each time we retell ourselves the story of how we were betrayed, we feel the anger of being betrayed all over again. In other words, we repeatedly hurt ourselves by reliving the hurtful experiences. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, the basic goodness of our being\u2014our Buddha<\/a> nature\u2014can\u2019t be changed no matter how lost we are in our delusions and narratives. There\u2019s an important difference between doing bad things and being a bad person; that distinction applies both to ourselves and to the people who hurt us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Recognizing the difference between doing bad things <\/em>and being a bad person<\/em>\u2014and therefore seeing the essential good in everyone\u2014is a difficult task. It requires looking past harmful behaviors to see each person\u2019s vulnerability and pain and the Buddha nature<\/a> beneath all of that. It requires Radical Acceptance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Learning to Radically Forgive Ourselves<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The first step is to recognize the goodness in ourselves.<\/strong> This often begins with forgiving ourselves for how we feel and what we might have done wrong. Forgiveness breaks down the barriers of blame and resentment that we build while trying to protect ourselves from pain. Those barriers are what keep us from experiencing the goodness and love that exists in ourselves and others. Therefore, by giving up on blame and opening our hearts to pain, we can begin to practice Radical Acceptance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, there may be times when our guilt and shame are so strong that we can\u2019t forgive ourselves. This is especially the case when we believe that we\u2019ve truly, deeply hurt somebody else. Perhaps we don\u2019t think we deserve forgiveness, or we can\u2019t see the point in it since the damage is already done. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In cases like that, instead of forgiving ourselves, we can try forgiving the shame itself.<\/strong> Rather than fighting the feeling, we can Radically Forgive it for existing and welcome it in, like the Buddha welcoming Mara in for tea. In doing so, we will allow the feeling to pass through us and fade away. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We might then find other feelings buried under the shame, such as fear or anger. We can meet those experiences in the same way: We can welcome them in, sit with them, and Radically Forgive them for existing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This practice is effective because we\u2019re giving our experiences permission to be what they are. Instead of trying to control our grief, pain, or shame, we simply allow it to exist\u2014to be as big and powerful as it needs to be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Learning to Radically Forgive ourselves and see our own goodness takes time and practice. As with everything else we\u2019ve discussed, the process starts with mindfulness<\/a><\/strong>\u2014we recognize that we\u2019re being judgmental or unkind to ourselves, and we forgive whatever we\u2019re feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Radical Forgiveness Isn\u2019t Condoning<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Many people misunderstand this practice at first. They tend to think that accepting and forgiving hurtful behaviors is about letting people (themselves or others) off the hook for the pain they caused. However, forgiving a behavior or a feeling isn\u2019t the same as condoning it\u2014Radical Acceptance isn\u2019t permission to keep doing harmful things.<\/strong> It\u2019s facing past actions with understanding and compassion so that we can have a clear vision of the present and future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, there are stories of death row inmates who faced up honestly to the harm they\u2019d caused and learned to Radically Forgive themselves. By opening up to pain\u2014their own and others\u2019\u2014they awakened compassion within themselves. By doing this, they were able to both take responsibility<\/a> for the crimes they\u2019d committed and recognize their own innate goodness. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Prisoners who accomplished this were visibly transformed. Guards, relatives, chaplains, and even other inmates all recognized that something had changed\u2014that even though these people were in prison awaiting execution, they\u2019d found a kind of inner freedom. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The main point<\/a> is this: Holding on to blame and guilt might temporarily stop us from causing more harm, but in the long run it only creates more pain for ourselves and others. We can\u2019t hate ourselves into being good people;<\/strong> only with forgiveness and Radical Acceptance can we find the wisdom and compassion to correctly respond to our situations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Has somebody hurt you so badly that it feels like you can’t and don’t want to forgive them? Do you feel so much shame about something you did that you can’t forgive yourself? What is Radical Forgiveness? We can\u2019t hate ourselves into being good people. Only with Radical Forgiveness and Radical Acceptance can we find the wisdom and compassion to correctly respond to our situations. We must learn to forgive even those who have betrayed us because doing bad things doesn’t make someone a bad person. Continue on to learn about Radical Forgiveness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":31509,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12,43,6],"tags":[255],"class_list":["post-31450","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","category-self-improvement","category-spiritual","tag-radical-acceptance","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nRadical Forgiveness: Give Yourself a Break - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Shame and hating yourself get you nowhere. With Radical Forgiveness, you can find the compassion to heal. 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