{"id":31356,"date":"2021-04-08T06:45:11","date_gmt":"2021-04-08T10:45:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=31356"},"modified":"2021-04-10T19:18:31","modified_gmt":"2021-04-10T23:18:31","slug":"feeling-unworthy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/feeling-unworthy\/","title":{"rendered":"Feeling Unworthy Is More Common Than You Think"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you ever struggle with feelings of unworthiness? Do you feel like you’ll never be “good enough”? Where do these painful feelings stem from?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In today’s society, almost everybody struggles with feeing unworthy. This feeling stems from many sources and can lead to self-destructive behaviors<\/a> and coping mechanisms. However, by trying to hide the pain, we’re often making it worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading to learn about the roots and dangers of feeling unworthy<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Feeling Trapped by Unworthiness<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Many people\u2014perhaps even most people\u2014struggle with feeling unworthy. They never feel as if they\u2019re good enough, or smart enough, or successful enough, or whatever the focus of their insecurity is. In their attempts to become \u201cbetter,\u201d people constantly observe and judge themselves. They are always on the lookout for imperfections in themselves and, when they inevitably find some, it just drives them deeper into their sense of inadequacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These feelings drive people to all kinds of self-destructive behavior, most notably addiction in all its various forms. Whether the addiction is to drugs, sex, work\u2014an addiction that is, unfortunately, applauded by Western culture\u2014or something else, it often stems from an attempt to escape the feelings of worthlessness. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They also create feelings of isolation. People who don\u2019t think that they\u2019re good enough will assume that others think the same. They\u2019ll find it hard to trust people who offer them love, friendship, or even simple encouragement. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The tragic irony is that people are always trying to go somewhere else, do something else, be <\/em>someone else; but we all reach the same inescapable end. Where do we think we\u2019re going?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Source of Unworthiness<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

To illustrate how we come to have these unworthy feelings, Tara Brach, author of Radical Acceptance,<\/em> shares an anecdote about her time at an ashram<\/em>\u2014a small religious and spiritual community<\/a>. She struggled with feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing, and hoped that she could alleviate them through spiritual growth<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It worked to some extent. After a lengthy session of meditation<\/a> and yoga, she would feel whole and at peace. However, as the day went on, feelings of self-doubt<\/a> and judgement would creep in. She wanted others to admire her spirituality, and felt guilty for having those desires. At the same time, she judged some other members of her ashram for what she saw as their deficient spirituality, and felt guilty for those <\/em>thoughts. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She eventually came to realize that, at the most basic level, she was still trying to do the same thing as always:<\/strong> She was trying to find peace and self-acceptance by changing or improving herself. That was why, no matter how deeply she meditated or how proficient she became at yoga, those feelings were doomed to always come back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consider the foundational myth of much of Western culture: Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Most of us have heard it so many times that it\u2019s become banal, but take a moment to really think about the message of it. The story of Eden teaches us humans are inherently bad, and we need to cleanse ourselves of sin before we\u2019re worthy of happiness. Moreover, the way we cleanse ourselves is supposed to be through strict control: Control of our thoughts, our emotions, our natural urges, other people, and even the world around us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Childhood Unworthiness<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Western culture breeds and nourishes unhealthy, self-loathing thoughts. From childhood we\u2019re constantly set in competition against each other, forced to prove endlessly that we\u2019re smart enough, skilled enough, \u201ccool\u201d enough to be worthy of attention and praise. Every human connection\u2014with family, friends, or teachers\u2014has to be earned, and there\u2019s always someone watching to see if we\u2019re living up to expectations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s a short anecdote about a family in a restaurant: a mother and father, and their five-year-old daughter. When the waitress comes to take orders, the daughter asks for a hot dog. The father immediately interrupts and says that she\u2019ll have the meatloaf instead. The waitress, completely ignoring the interruption, asks the girl what she\u2019d like on her hot dog. The parents are stunned, but the girl comments with amazement, \u201cShe thinks I\u2019m real.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This story gets to the heart of a lot of the insecurities people grow up with. Many of them stem from a culture that treats children as if they\u2019re not real people, with their own thoughts and feelings<\/a>. Instead, imperfect parents\u2014carrying on lessons from their own imperfect parents\u2014see their children through the lenses of their own desires and fears. What if the child doesn\u2019t get into a good college? What if she acts out and reflects badly on her parents? They try to drive the child\u2019s life the way they wish they\u2019d driven their own lives, never thinking to ask the child what he or she wants. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In abusive homes this is taken to the extreme, where children are told that they\u2019re in the way, that they\u2019re annoying, that they\u2019re worthless drains on the parents\u2019 time and energy. However, even in healthier situations, children are often taught to be quiet and obedient, and to parrot what their parents think or want to hear. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In short, Western families\u2014often unintentionally\u2014continue the story of the Garden of Eden. Each new generation is brought up thinking that they\u2019re inherently, fundamentally flawed, and that they have to fix those flaws in order to get back into the Garden. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unhealthy Strategies to Cope With Unworthiness<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Naturally, people seek out ways to cope with or cover up the feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy, like Adam and Eve trying to hide their nakedness from God. Over time, each of us comes up with our own personal mix of coping mechanisms to hide our imperfections and make up for what we believe to be wrong with us. Here are a few examples.<\/p>\n\n\n\n