{"id":28680,"date":"2021-03-12T16:04:35","date_gmt":"2021-03-12T20:04:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=28680"},"modified":"2021-03-22T20:20:35","modified_gmt":"2021-03-23T00:20:35","slug":"effective-listening","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/effective-listening\/","title":{"rendered":"Effective Listening: A Vital Skill for Better Connection"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

How would you define effective listening? What do you think it entails?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to the authors of Difficult Conversations<\/em>, the key to effective listening is to be genuinely curious. No matter how good you might be at doing the things listed on the effective listening checklist, people can usually tell whether it\u2019s authentic or not. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here is how you can master effective listening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Effective Listening: Making Someone Feel Heard<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Humans want to be heard. We want to feel like someone else cares about us enough to listen. Effective listening is a vital skill for difficult conversations. Not only does it help us understand the other person better, but it helps them understand us better as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Listening can transform a difficult conversation into a learning<\/em> conversation. It requires us to be curious about the other person, to reframe our purpose from persuading the other person to learning about them<\/strong>. Effective listening involves asking questions to better understand the other person and acknowledge the other person\u2019s feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the most common complaints the authors hear about difficult conversations is that the other person isn\u2019t listening. This really means <\/strong>we<\/em><\/strong> need to be better at listening<\/a> <\/strong>first. <\/em><\/strong>When we feel others aren\u2019t listening to us, we tell ourselves they\u2019re stubborn, don\u2019t care what we have to say, or don\u2019t understand it. So we often double-down, repeat ourselves, and talk over the other person. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reality is that people stop listening when they<\/em> don\u2019t feel heard<\/em><\/strong>. If we feel like someone isn\u2019t listening to us, they probably feel the same way about us. The way to get someone to listen to you is to put a genuine, concerted effort into making sure they feel heard first.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Making Someone Feel Heard<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The goal in a difficult conversation is to shift our mentality from assuming we already understand someone to wanting to understand them better. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

One major thing that prevents us from doing that is our inner voice<\/a> \u2014 what we\u2019re thinking but not saying. <\/strong>When we focus on our inner voice, we\u2019re at best only half-listening to the other person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Typically, your inner voice is thinking about the 3 conversations we covered – What Happened, Feelings, and Identity. Listening to your inner voice<\/a> will start to give you answers and questions to explore in those 3 areas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are two things that can help you start managing your inner voice:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Negotiate your brain back to curiosity.<\/strong> You can start to change your inner voice by reinforcing the right thing. Remind yourself that it\u2019s a delusional assumption to think you already understand someone else. Remind yourself of a time you thought you were right, but discovered you\u2019d been wrong. Remind yourself that other people are just as complex as you: if you wouldn\u2019t want someone else assuming they understood you without listening, don\u2019t do it to someone else. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. If your inner voice is too strong, talk instead of listen.<\/strong> Sometimes our feelings are too overwhelming to listen. When this happens, first let the other person know that you want<\/em> to listen to them, but you\u2019re having a hard time focusing. You can try giving a sound bite of what\u2019s preoccupying your mind, to let the other person know where you\u2019re at right now: \u201cI want to hear about your perspective, but I\u2019m feeling defensive right now.\u201d Hopefully saying this might quiet down your defensiveness for a moment, and you can let the other person finish what they have to say and then come back to your feelings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or you might decide that you can\u2019t listen or talk right now because you\u2019re too overwhelmed. Express that this conversation is important to you, and you want to come back to it when you feel better prepared to have it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tips for Effective Listening<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Effective listening requires 3 skills that can be learned by anyone. These 3 skills are interconnected skills centered on whether you\u2019re really listening or whether you\u2019re trying to prove a point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Skill #1: Ask Questions with the Goal of Learning<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re not sure about your goal, ask yourself why you want to ask the question. If your answer is anything other than \u201cto learn about the other person,\u201d it\u2019s probably not a good question to ask.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t ask questions that are really statements.<\/strong> Often, we want to express a statement in a difficult conversation, and we mistakenly think it\u2019s more polite to ask it as a question instead. This usually comes off snide or passive-aggressive. Instead of hearing your feelings or opinions, the other person will most likely focus on the attack and get defensive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  • (Shortform example: \u201cAre you going to wear that shirt to the interview?\u201d is a question that should be a statement, since it obviously conceals an opinion about the shirt. \u201cI don\u2019t think that shirt looks very professional\u201d is the statement that should be expressed.)<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

    Don\u2019t ask questions to prove the other person wrong. <\/strong>Questions you ask with the intention of proving someone wrong aren\u2019t focused on learning, they\u2019re focused on persuading or humiliating someone else. They usually serve as traps for the other person \u2014 and trapping them into an answer isn\u2019t aligned with the goal of learning. Again, the outcome will be defensiveness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    • \u201cIf you\u2019re a good salesman, then why did Kate close the deal when you couldn\u2019t?\u201d This isn\u2019t a question interested in learning, it\u2019s a question interested in proving a point \u2014 that you aren\u2019t<\/em> as good a salesman as you think you are, since Kate outsold you.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

      Ask open-ended questions.<\/strong> You\u2019ll get more information with these than with yes or no questions, or multiple-choice questions. Again, the goal should be to learn about the other person \u2014 you can only do that by getting them to talk. Use phrases like \u201ctell me more about\u2026\u201d or \u201chelp me better understand\u2026\u201d to get the other person talking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Ask for more specific information<\/strong>, especially on anything you\u2019re confused about. Questions like, \u201cWhat leads you to say that?\u201d or \u201cCan you give me an example?\u201d or \u201cHow would that work?\u201d can be helpful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Ask them about the 3 Conversations: <\/strong>What Happened, Feelings, and Identity conversations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      • What Happened: \u201cCan you tell me more about why you see it that way?\u201d and \u201cWhat impact have my actions had on you?\u201d<\/li>
      • Feelings: \u201cHow are you feeling about this?\u201d<\/li>
      • Identity: \u201cCan you tell me why that\u2019s important to you?\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

        Give them the option to <\/strong>not<\/em><\/strong> answer.<\/strong> Questions should be invitations, not demands. The other person should be able to refuse to answer your questions without any punishment. It builds trust if someone declines to answer a question and you show that it\u2019s okay. People often feel freer to answer questions if they feel they have the option not to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Skill #2: Paraphrase Their Responses<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

        Paraphrasing someone\u2019s response means expressing, in your own words, your understanding of what they\u2019re saying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Paraphrasing helps you double-check whether your understanding is correct, and gives the other person an opportunity to clarify if you\u2019re misunderstanding something.<\/strong> This also confirms for the other person that you\u2019ve heard them, and are trying to understand them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

        We usually repeat ourselves because we\u2019re not sure if someone\u2019s understood us \u2014 once we know they have, we can focus on listening to them in return. If you notice the other person repeating themselves, it probably means they don\u2019t feel understood yet.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Skill #3: Acknowledge Their Feelings<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

        Feelings desperately want to be acknowledged, and acknowledging someone else\u2019s feelings requires empathy. Empathy is \u201ca journey with a direction but no destination.\u201d Empathy requires us to move beyond observing someone from the outside, and imagine what it would be like to be them on the inside. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

        It won\u2019t be perfect \u2014 we\u2019re all too complex to ever be totally understood by someone who isn\u2019t us. But psychologists discovered that it\u2019s more important to feel like someone is <\/strong>trying<\/em><\/strong> to empathize with us than believing they\u2019ve done it successfully.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Acknowledgement is about showing the other person that you\u2019re working to understand their feelings. Usually, this step requires us to paraphrase the things the other person <\/strong>isn\u2019t<\/em><\/strong> saying.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

        • (Shortform example: If your partner expresses annoyance that you forgot about the dinner plans you made, some of the unspoken feelings in this expression might be that they\u2019re hurt you don\u2019t prioritize them, or that they\u2019re worried it means you don\u2019t want to see them.)<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

          Another way to think of this is: feelings usually come with a number of unasked questions. Even an expression of anger that seems focused on an event probably has a silent question at its heart. 3 examples of unasked questions are:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

          1. Is it okay that I\u2019m feeling this?<\/strong><\/li>
          2. Do you care about my feelings?<\/strong><\/li>
          3. Do you care about me?<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

            Acknowledging people\u2019s feelings gives a resounding yes to each of those questions. This helps them feel safer and ready to move forward in the conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            • For example: If your friend is unhappy with a mistake you\u2019ve made, \u201cIt won\u2019t happen again\u201d might respond to the situation, but not to your friend\u2019s feelings. \u201cIt sounds like this was really important to you,\u201d is an acknowledgement of their feelings about the situation.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

              Verbal responses aren\u2019t always necessary \u2014 a nod or a look might be enough. But it\u2019s incredibly important to acknowledge feelings before you try to solve the problem.<\/strong> Order matters. Most of us skip straight to offering solutions because we think the issue is that there\u2019s a problem that needs to be fixed. Usually, people want their feelings heard first and foremost. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

              Remember: acknowledgment is not<\/em> agreement.<\/strong> You might not agree with what the other person is feeling, but you should be able to acknowledge that their feelings are still important.  You\u2019ll never get through a difficult conversation if you don\u2019t believe the other person\u2019s feelings are important \u2014 it will most likely turn into an argument.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

              How would you define effective listening? What do you think it entails? According to the authors of Difficult Conversations, the key to effective listening is to be genuinely curious. No matter how good you might be at doing the things listed on the effective listening checklist, people can usually tell whether it\u2019s authentic or not.  Here is how you can master effective listening.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":8136,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9],"tags":[230],"class_list":["post-28680","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","tag-difficult-conversations","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nEffective Listening: A Vital Skill for Better Connection - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The key to effective listening is to be genuinely curious. 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