{"id":28626,"date":"2021-03-16T16:18:35","date_gmt":"2021-03-16T20:18:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=28626"},"modified":"2021-03-31T09:22:25","modified_gmt":"2021-03-31T13:22:25","slug":"talk-about-your-feelings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/talk-about-your-feelings\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Find the Courage to Talk About Your Feelings"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you find it difficult to talk about your feelings? Do you try to keep your emotions bottled up and process them internally? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We tend to avoid our feelings, especially in difficult conversations, because we feel they get in the way of progress, or are embarrassing, or don\u2019t matter. It\u2019s also scary to talk about your feelings as it leaves you feeling vulnerable.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here&#8217;s why it&#8217;s important to talk about your feelings and how to do it constructively.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Why It&#8217;s Important to Talk About Your Feelings<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Ignoring your feelings removes an integral component of any relationship. Emotions will come out one way or another, and you can either acknowledge and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/embrace-your-emotions\/\">embrace your feelings<\/a> and deal with them constructively, or you can deal with the aftermath of holding them back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you find the courage to talk about your feelings, they can be useful; if you avoid it, they\u2019ll color your communication, ruin your relationships, and make you feel worse about yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Why Feelings Have to Come Out<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>No negotiation, no matter <\/strong><strong><em>how<\/em><\/strong><strong> skillful, will resolve a difficult conversation if the feelings at the heart of the matter have been ignored. <\/strong>Difficult conversations that leave out feelings often leave both people feeling dissatisfied \u2014 and the emotions <em>still<\/em> find their way into the conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Unresolved or unaddressed feelings can come through in our tone of voice, our posture, and our language. And you might think you can conceal it, but you\u2019re wrong. Studies show that most people are bad at picking up on factual lies, but <em>good at picking up on unspoken emotion.<\/em> Unexpressed emotions can even cause you to totally break away from relationships based on how many unresolved feelings you have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When we bottle up our emotions, it also makes us worse listeners. Usually, when people are having trouble listening, it\u2019s actually because they\u2019re having trouble expressing their own thoughts or feelings. Our hidden emotions routinely bring our focus back to ourselves. Instead, when you talk about your feelings openly, our head clears and we can focus on and be curious about the other person\u2019s feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Lastly, <strong><em>we<\/em> suffer when we keep our feelings to ourselves<\/strong>. Our self-esteem usually drops, and we feel like pushovers for not being able to express ourselves. And, if you don&#8217;t talk about your feelings, you keep an important part of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/your-genius\/\">who you are<\/a> out of our relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Managing Emotions<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>For some people, unexpressed emotions come out in unmanageable ways, like crying or exploding or lashing out at others. Some people think these episodes are proof that they \u201cfeel too much\u201d \u2014 but the reality is that these episodes are the result of not <em>sharing<\/em> emotions enough.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>The Feelings Conversation will only improve for the better if we work at getting better at sharing our feelings.<\/strong> The more skilled you become at that, the easier difficult conversations will become.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The basic guidelines for sharing your feelings are as follows:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Sort out what your own feelings are.<\/li><li>Negotiate them with yourself first.<\/li><li>Share your <em>feelings<\/em> \u2014 not your <em>judgments<\/em> \u2014 with the other person.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Sorting Out Your Feelings<\/strong> to Talk About Them<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>We assume we know what we feel, when in reality, most of us don\u2019t. We recognize major emotions, but fail to identify the complexities or the reasons. <strong>Feelings are usually more subtle and complex than we realize.<\/strong> They sometimes disguise themselves as emotions we\u2019re more comfortable with, or they can disguise themselves as judgments against or attributions to other people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Know Your Emotional Footprint<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>First, you need to know your own \u201cemotional footprint,\u201d <strong>what feelings we were taught are okay or not okay to feel or express.<\/strong> This is usually based on what our families taught us growing up. You can start to pinpoint your emotional footprint by asking yourself a simple set of questions:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>What emotions do you feel comfortable identifying?<\/li><li>Which feelings were openly discussed in your family?<\/li><li>Which emotions were never discussed?<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Every person has a unique emotional footprint, and it will shift depending on what relationship you\u2019re in.<\/strong> For example, the way you behave emotionally with your coworker will be different than how you behave with a romantic partner. Observing your emotional footprint in different settings will help you flesh out the whole picture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Accepting Feelings<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Once you become more aware of your own emotional footprint, the next step is to <strong>start accepting that your feelings are normal and natural.<\/strong> There are no wrong feelings; feelings just <em>are<\/em>. It\u2019s how we deal with our feelings that can be better or worse depending on the situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A good comparison is an arm or a leg. An arm and a leg are just body parts, just there \u2014 however, we can do things with our arms and legs that hurt other people. That doesn\u2019t mean the arm is wrong, it means <strong>we need to change what we\u2019re doing with it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Feelings aren\u2019t good or bad.<\/strong> Some may feel better or worse, but sometimes the worst feelings are the ones that help us improve the most. Your feelings won\u2019t always make you happy, and they won\u2019t always make sense, but they always <em>are<\/em>.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Furthermore, your feelings don\u2019t determine whether you\u2019re a good or bad person. Good people can have \u201cbad\u201d feelings. Everyone feels anger. Everyone fails. <strong>Actions speak louder than feelings, and those we can control.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When we hide emotions we\u2019re uncomfortable with, we can end up blocking our other emotions, as well. Hiding our emotions inhibits our ability to show any emotions \u2014 happiness can get diminished alongside anger or fear or vulnerability. It can also lead us to take out our hidden feelings on others. <strong>Wanting to blame someone is a surefire sign that you\u2019re hiding some feelings, or are unaware that they exist<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes, feelings can be so bad that we shut ourselves off from traumatic experiences and feelings that are too much to bear. This is normal. But these <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/repressed-emotions-feelings\/\">repressed feelings<\/a> will still affect how you function, so it\u2019s better to start exploring them and work through them when you can. Therapy and friends can help you do this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>The Validity of Your Feelings<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Your feelings are just as important as someone else\u2019s. <\/strong>Some of us have learned to prioritize other people\u2019s feelings. When we put others\u2019 needs and feelings before our own, we undervalue ourselves and teach others that it\u2019s okay to ignore our feelings.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We think by hiding our feelings and dealing with someone else\u2019s that we can \u201csave the relationship,\u201d whatever it is. But the reality is that if you don&#8217;t talk about your feelings, suppressed energy will slowly erode the relationship. Remember, feelings will come out, in some way, in some form. By not valuing our own feelings, we end up doing a disservice to the relationship we\u2019re trying to improve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Delve Deeper<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Usually, there\u2019s one emotion at the forefront of what we\u2019re feeling \u2014 but <strong>there are often a lot of other smaller feelings beneath the main one.<\/strong> Look for those. Becoming more familiar with the range and nuances of feelings can help us identify <em>all<\/em> the feelings at the heart of the issue.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, every time a man calls his mother, she asks him how his job search is going, which he hates. The primary feeling might be that he\u2019s annoyed his mom keeps asking \u2014 doesn\u2019t she know he\u2019d <em>tell her<\/em> if he got a job? \u2014 but there are probably a lot of other feelings at play here. He might be embarrassed that he hasn\u2019t found a job yet, or feel guilty that his mom worries about him, or angry and sad that he hasn\u2019t found a job yet. All these feelings are beneath the surface.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Negotiating Your Feelings<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Feelings aren\u2019t gospel truths \u2014 they\u2019re perceptions, meant to be negotiated. <\/strong>&nbsp;The end goal is to negotiate your feelings with the other person involved in the difficult conversation \u2014 but in order to do that, one author offers up these 2 rules:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Get <\/strong><strong><em>all<\/em><\/strong><strong> your feelings into the conversation, but&#8230;<\/strong><\/li><li><strong>Negotiate them with yourself first.<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>Most of us assume our feelings should be shared \u201cas is.\u201d But feelings are based in our perception of things \u2014 and our perception of things can change. Feelings are formed in response to thoughts. <strong>To start to change your feelings, you have to alter your thinking.&nbsp;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Imagine that you\u2019re scuba diving, and a shark glides into view. Your first thought is, \u201cSharks are dangerous,\u201d so your first feeling is to be afraid, maybe even panicked. Then, you realize it\u2019s a reef shark, which doesn\u2019t feed on humans, so your panic subsides. Maybe you even become curious about the shark\u2019s behavior now that you know what it is. This is a change in perception, not a change in the \u201cissue,\u201d the shark. Changing your perception of an issue can change your emotions regarding that issue.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Three Steps to Negotiate Your Feelings<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>1. Examine your story. <\/strong>Our perception is essentially the story we\u2019re telling ourselves about what\u2019s going on. To alter our thinking, we have to become aware of the story going on inside our heads. Articulate the story you\u2019re telling yourself about the situation. Then ask yourself what story the other person might be telling themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>2. Examine the intentions. <\/strong>Remember, going into difficult conversations, we\u2019re almost always assuming we know how the other person intended something to come off. This is part of the story we tell ourselves, and also needs to be examined. Is it possible the other person acted unintentionally? What about your <em>own<\/em> intentions?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>3. Remember the contribution system.<\/strong> How have both parties contributed to the situation? What patterns in the relationship or in either party\u2019s behavior are reinforcing this contribution?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Half of the work in these questions you can do on your own \u2014 that\u2019s essentially your homework leading up to a difficult conversation. But you won\u2019t be able to get all the answers until you finally talk to the other person. The other half of the work requires <em>their<\/em> answers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Sharing Your Feelings<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019ll be hard to talk about your feelings because you must negotiate your them with the other person. <strong>The goal is to describe your feelings carefully and specifically.<\/strong> Being emotional isn\u2019t the same as sharing your emotions \u2014 you can be externally emotional without expressing anything clearly at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Avoid venting.<\/strong> This greatly reduces your ability to be productive in the conversation, and greatly increases the change of sparking the other person\u2019s defensiveness.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Avoid Judgments<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Judgments aren\u2019t feelings, but they often emerge from our feelings.<\/strong> Sharing judgments can <em>feel<\/em> like sharing feelings \u2014 but when we express judgments, the other person doesn\u2019t know what we\u2019re feeling and will likely get defensive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re so irresponsible\u201d is a judgment, whereas \u201cI feel hurt when you forget X\u201d is a feeling. <strong>It\u2019s helpful to use the phrase \u201cI feel\u201d<\/strong> to make the statements focus on you and your feelings.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However, \u201cI feel hurt when you act irresponsibly\u201d is a combination \u2014 there\u2019s still judgment in this expression of feeling, and the other person will probably get defensive. It\u2019s best to think of sharing feelings in correlation with specific actions, not in correlation with generalizations about the other person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>How to Express Feelings<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Here are 3 guidelines for <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/expressing-feelings\/\">expressing feelings<\/a> in a difficult conversation:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>1. Introduce feelings back into the conversation.<\/strong> Remember that feelings <em>are<\/em> important. They don\u2019t need to be rational to be expressed \u2014 but <strong>they do need to be expressed to be dealt with.<\/strong> Get them out first, then decide what to do with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>2. Express the full spectrum of what you\u2019re feeling.<\/strong> Because we\u2019re often feeling positives alongside negatives, this can change the nature of the conversation, bring some complexity to the matter, and allow the other person to understand you as well as their own impact better.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>3. Share first, then evaluate.<\/strong> Evaluating your feelings too soon or allowing the other person to evaluate your feelings too soon will short-circuit the conversation by qualifying or judging the emotional content before its been expressed. Both parties should get to share their pure feelings (remember: feelings, not judgments) first \u2014 then you can problem-solve together later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Reciprocating Expression of Feelings<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Both people can have strong feelings at the same time \u2014 and they most likely will.<\/strong> Your partner\u2019s feelings don\u2019t cancel yours out, and vice versa. Make sure you both get equal time to share your feelings. Don\u2019t monopolize the conversation, and don\u2019t let the other person do it either.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Acknowledging feelings is important too.<\/strong> Don\u2019t skip this step. Both people need to feel like their feelings are actually being heard and understood<strong> <\/strong><em>before<\/em> you move on to problem-solving (this is especially important in large-scale conflicts, such as town meetings, where people often jump to problem-solving without acknowledging the feelings expressed). If something is important to you and the other person isn\u2019t getting it, you really only let yourself down if you don\u2019t make sure they understand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes feelings are the heart of the matter; sometimes they\u2019re not. But in <em>any<\/em> difficult conversation regardless, it\u2019s a crucial skill to be able to communicate your own feelings effectively, and understand and acknowledge the other person\u2019s feelings.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you find it difficult to talk about your feelings? Do you try to keep your emotions bottled up and process them internally? We tend to avoid our feelings, especially in difficult conversations, because we feel they get in the way of progress, or are embarrassing, or don\u2019t matter. It\u2019s also scary to talk about your feelings as it leaves you feeling vulnerable.&nbsp; Here&#8217;s why it&#8217;s important to talk about your feelings and how to do it constructively.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":22991,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9,12],"tags":[230],"class_list":["post-28626","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-difficult-conversations","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Find the Courage to Talk About Your Feelings - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"It\u2019s scary to talk about your feelings as it leaves you feeling vulnerable. But avoiding it removes an important part of any relationship.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/talk-about-your-feelings\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Find the Courage to Talk About Your Feelings\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"It\u2019s scary to talk about your feelings as it leaves you feeling vulnerable. But avoiding it removes an important part of any relationship.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/talk-about-your-feelings\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-03-16T20:18:35+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-03-31T13:22:25+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/conversation-couple-love.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1220\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"650\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"11 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/talk-about-your-feelings\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/talk-about-your-feelings\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"How to Find the Courage to Talk About Your Feelings\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-03-16T20:18:35+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-03-31T13:22:25+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/talk-about-your-feelings\/\"},\"wordCount\":2259,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/talk-about-your-feelings\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/conversation-couple-love.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Difficult Conversations\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Psychology\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/talk-about-your-feelings\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/talk-about-your-feelings\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/talk-about-your-feelings\/\",\"name\":\"How to Find the Courage to Talk About Your Feelings - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/talk-about-your-feelings\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/talk-about-your-feelings\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/conversation-couple-love.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-03-16T20:18:35+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-03-31T13:22:25+00:00\",\"description\":\"It\u2019s scary to talk about your feelings as it leaves you feeling vulnerable. 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