{"id":28625,"date":"2021-03-07T16:53:21","date_gmt":"2021-03-07T20:53:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=28625"},"modified":"2021-03-22T20:21:24","modified_gmt":"2021-03-23T00:21:24","slug":"when-someone-blames-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/when-someone-blames-you\/","title":{"rendered":"When Someone Blames You, Stay Above the Fault Line"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>When someone blames you, directly or indirectly, what do you do? How can you deal with blame in a constructive way?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When someone blames you, it&#8217;s really a code for three questions. Did you cause the problem? Should your actions be judged against some standard, and if so, what standard? Should you be punished?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here is how to keep cool when someone blames you and resolve the matter in a constructive manner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>When Someone Blames You<\/strong>, Stay Above the Fault Line<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Blame is about judgment and looking backwards. <strong>The issue of whether someone\u2019s to \u201cblame\u201d is really about 3 connected questions:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Did you cause the problem?<\/li><li>Should your actions be judged against some standard, and if so, what standard?<\/li><li>Should you be punished?<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cThis is your fault\u201d is really code for yes to all 3 of those questions. When someone blames you, they explicitly put us in the role of the accused<strong>\u2014 <\/strong>so it&#8217;s no wonder we get defensive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Even if you can answer the question of who\u2019s to blame, it doesn\u2019t usually help solve the problem. With blame comes punishment, and punishment comes at a cost \u2014 understanding and punishment don\u2019t usually go hand in hand. When people are afraid of being blamed and thus being punished, they\u2019re usually less likely to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-power-of-your-words\/\">be truthful<\/a> or open about the matter, and less likely to apologize, since it seems like an admission of guilt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Blame also obfuscates when there are bad systems at play, bigger than a single person who can be blamed. But usually no one person <em>is<\/em> fully to blame.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>(Shortform example: We see this in corporations all the time \u2014 someone, usually a bigwig like a CEO, takes the fall for something that the corporation at large participates in. People want someone to blame, they blame the person in charge, they get rid of that person, then the system is allowed to continue in the same fashion.)<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>The Solution When Someone Blames You: The Contribution System<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Contribution, on the other hand, is about understanding and looking forward. Contribution asks what we <em>both<\/em> did to get in this situation, and what we can do to get out of it together. The goal is to identify what contributions both parties made, and how each party\u2019s reactions are part of an overall pattern in the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Even though from our perspective the blame looks one-sided, in reality everyone has contributed in some way.For example, in baseball, think about a pitcher and a batter facing off. Whether the face-off results in a home run or a strikeout is the result of the interaction between the two individuals. You can focus on the actions of one or the other \u2014 the batter may blame his strikeout on his wrist injury; the pitcher may credit his fast-ball for the strikeout \u2014 but both party\u2019s actions are required to make the outcome.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>The contribution system is more likely to be productive and make the difficult conversation easier to have, because it promotes learning and change.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>For example, if a wife cheats on her husband, their marriage has a much better chance of surviving if they can use the contribution system \u2014 what did they both contribute to the situation that led to one of them cheating? \u2014 instead of the blame system, which will punish the wife but not address the issues that drove her to cheat in the first place.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>There are, of course, some extremes and exceptions \u2014 even though both parties contribute, there are still some cases where blame is necessary.<\/strong> For example, if a parent abuses a child, the child might have \u201ccontributed\u201d something, perhaps too much noise or misbehaving or mouthing off, but their contribution in no way warrants the parent\u2019s contribution, and blame can be placed on the parent over the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>3 Myths about Contribution<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>1. I should only focus on my contribution. <\/strong>False. You shouldn\u2019t overlook the other person\u2019s contribution \u2014 usually, we find ourselves in difficult conversations because we\u2019re already aware of the other person\u2019s contribution. Admitting your own contribution doesn\u2019t negate the other person\u2019s, and it\u2019s possible they contributed <em>more<\/em> to the problem than you did: but whether it\u2019s split 50\/50 or 5\/95, both parties contribute.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>2. Putting aside blame means I have to ignore my feelings.<\/strong> False. Sharing your feelings is an essential component of contribution. Speaking more directly about your feelings and taking ownership over them can help lower your desire to blame the other person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you find yourself wanting to blame the other person, try asking, \u201cWhat feelings am I failing to express?\u201d or \u201cHave they acknowledged my feelings yet?\u201d Most of us would prefer to receive understanding and acknowledgement in place of a right to blame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>3. \u201cContribution\u201d means the victim is to blame. <\/strong>False. Victims are never to blame. However, they can still explore how their actions contributed to the situation. If we want to empower victims, we need to look at the ways they can change their contribution in the future. We can\u2019t change other people\u2019s contributions to situations \u2014 changing our own behavior gives us some control over the situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, if you\u2019re walking along the street at night and you get mugged, you\u2019re not \u201cto blame\u201d for getting mugged. If we want to blame or punish someone, we punish the mugger. However, if you want to <em>learn<\/em> from the situation instead of just <em>blame<\/em> someone, you have to review how your actions contributed to the situation. This gives you power moving forward. Maybe you won\u2019t walk along that street at night alone anymore.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>4 Subtle Ways of Contributing<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Spotting your own contributions takes time and practice, but here are four less obvious ways that we contribute to difficult situations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>1. Avoiding. <\/strong>We can contribute to a difficult situation by failing to address it before it goes too far. Sometimes, we put things off because we hope they\u2019ll blow over on their own. Sometimes, we stay silent because we fear the repercussions. Sometimes we complain to third parties instead of confronting the person with our feelings \u2014 this might help us feel better in the short-term, but it doesn\u2019t solve the issue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>2. Being unapproachable.<\/strong> Your system of dealing with issues makes people less likely to bring things up with you. This could be any number of different things \u2014 you could seem uninterested, argumentative, unfriendly. And though you might think it\u2019s not your problem to make yourself approachable if someone else has an issue, that mindset isn\u2019t going to help you solve the problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>3. Intersections.<\/strong> Intersections are points where the assumptions of two parties are at odds. Intersections are caused by differences that result in friction between two people based on background, communication style, preferences, or other assumptions. When we treat intersections like these as matters of right or wrong, we fail to move past them. You\u2019re not <em>right<\/em> because you come from a different background than someone else; they\u2019re not <em>wrong<\/em> because they come from a different background. When we contribute this way, we\u2019re usually hoping the other person will fundamentally change without us having to say anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>4. Problematic role assumptions. <\/strong>A great example of this contribution is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/dysfunctional-family-patterns\/\">family patterns<\/a> where less healthy ways of connecting have become the norm. For instance, a young boy might fall into the role of \u201ctrouble maker\u201d to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/grab-attention\/\">get attention<\/a>; his mother takes on the role of nag, urging her husband to do something about the boy\u2019s behavior, and then yelling at her husband when he yells at their son, who starts to cry. Although no one particularly enjoys these patterns, they\u2019re familiar and comfortable because they\u2019re so ingrained in us, so we all fall into these problematic roles the second an issue arises. We force each other to play parts that aren\u2019t necessarily productive. <em>Everyone<\/em> would have to change in order to change the system \u2014 in this instance, we need alternative examples of how to solve issues.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Spotting Contributions<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Spotting how you contribute to situations takes time and patience, and shifting how you see your own contribution and others\u2019 takes work and practice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Analyzing Your Contribution<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>People generally fall into 2 styles of analyzing contribution: they\u2019re either shifters or absorbers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you are a shifter, you have a hard time seeing your own contributions \u2014 you <em>shift<\/em> the \u201cblame\u201d elsewhere, hence the name. When someone blames you\u2014even if they are right\u2014you tend to take the stance of a victim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you are an absorber, you focus too much on your own contributions\u2014 you <em>absorb<\/em> responsibility for both parties\u2019 actions. When someone blames you, you tend to fixate on the negative consequences of your own actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Knowing your style can help you be more aware of it and can also help you start to shift your style to a healthier one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>2 Tools to Help You Spot Your Contributions<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>1. Reverse the roles.<\/strong> Ask \u201cWhat would <em>they<\/em> say I was contributing?\u201d Think about their answers and try to see yourself through their eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>2. Try to be an objective third party.<\/strong> Pretend you\u2019re a neutral consultant called in to help. How would you describe, in objective terms without judgment, what both people are contributing? You can also ask a friend to weigh in on the situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Helping the Other Person<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Even once you\u2019ve worked to better spot and analyze your own contributions, you might still have some difficulty getting the other person to do the same.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When someone blames you, don&#8217;t get defensive and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/accepting-responsibility\/\">take responsibility<\/a>. But do express it clearly if you feel like the focus is solely on you and your contributions. Help the other person understand their own contributions by being explicit about your reasoning. List what you see their contributions as. Be upfront about your observations. Discuss what actions and reactions are creating the system you both find yourselves in.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Clearly express what you\u2019d like the other person to do differently.<\/strong> Tie it into your own contributions to help them feel less defensive \u2014 doing X next time will help me be better about Y. This cuts to the heart of the conversation system, what each person needs to change to improve the situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Remember, <strong>the goal is not to get an admission \u2014 the goal is to get a better understanding and discuss constructively what to do next.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When someone blames you, directly or indirectly, what do you do? How can you deal with blame in a constructive way? When someone blames you, it&#8217;s really a code for three questions. Did you cause the problem? Should your actions be judged against some standard, and if so, what standard? Should you be punished? Here is how to keep cool when someone blames you and resolve the matter in a constructive manner.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":385,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9,12],"tags":[230],"class_list":["post-28625","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-difficult-conversations","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>When Someone Blames You, Stay Above the Fault Line - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When someone blames you, they&#039;re asking three things: whether you are at fault, how to judge your behavior, and whether to punish it.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/when-someone-blames-you\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"When Someone Blames You, Stay Above the Fault Line\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When someone blames you, they&#039;re asking three things: whether you are at fault, how to judge your behavior, and whether to punish it.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/when-someone-blames-you\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-03-07T20:53:21+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-03-23T00:21:24+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/factfulness-blame.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"813\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"530\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"9 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/when-someone-blames-you\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/when-someone-blames-you\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"When Someone Blames You, Stay Above the Fault Line\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-03-07T20:53:21+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-03-23T00:21:24+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/when-someone-blames-you\/\"},\"wordCount\":1740,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/when-someone-blames-you\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/factfulness-blame.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Difficult Conversations\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Psychology\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/when-someone-blames-you\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/when-someone-blames-you\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/when-someone-blames-you\/\",\"name\":\"When Someone Blames You, Stay Above the Fault Line - 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