{"id":28623,"date":"2021-03-14T16:08:12","date_gmt":"2021-03-14T20:08:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=28623"},"modified":"2021-03-22T20:20:16","modified_gmt":"2021-03-23T00:20:16","slug":"having-difficult-conversations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/having-difficult-conversations\/","title":{"rendered":"The Delicate Art of Having Difficult Conversations"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you avoid having difficult conversations? What topics do you find difficult to talk about? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Most people avoid having difficult conversations because they fear the consequences that might arise when they bring up the issue. These issues tend to revolve around discussions of major categories (e.g. race, religion, gender, or politics) or matters that reveal our personal insecurities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>All in all, having difficult conversations&nbsp;may never be easy, but there are ways to make them as painless and as stress-free as possible. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Having Difficult Conversations Is a Delicate Art<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>A difficult conversation involves <em>anything<\/em> you find it difficult to talk about.<strong> <\/strong>Commonly, difficult conversations involve major categories like race, religion, sexuality, gender, or politics. But difficult conversations also include topics we feel insecure about, or issues that make us feel vulnerable, or matters that are important to us, or situations where the outcome is unknown, or instances that concern people we care about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In short, the situations that require having difficult conversations are many and varied:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>You have to fire an employee at work who\u2019s now an old friend.<\/li><li>You overhear your mother-in-law criticizing your parenting style right before you go on vacation with her.<\/li><li>You want to tell your father how much you love him, but it makes you both uncomfortable.<\/li><li>Your neighbors\u2019 dog has been barking nonstop at night, and you can\u2019t get any sleep.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Difficult conversations are usually conversations where we fear the consequences, whether we avoid having the conversation or we raise the issue. And there are risks no matter how you choose to proceed:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>If we avoid the conversation, we risk having our feelings fester, or getting taken advantage of, or we rob the offending person of the chance to improve the situation.<\/li><li>If we confront the issue, things might get worse. We could be rejected, or attacked. Our own feelings might get hurt, or a relationship might end.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>There\u2019s No Magic Wand<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Some people think that there\u2019s a tactful way to have a difficult conversation so that everything ends up fine. When it comes to having difficult conversations, tact is good, but it&#8217;s not the answer. <strong>The problems at the heart of difficult conversations run deeper than tact, diplomacy, or positivity.&nbsp;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cDelivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade.\u201d There\u2019s no nice way to throw a hand grenade, and it\u2019s going to do damage, even if you keep it to yourself. The same is true when it comes to having difficult conversations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The first big-picture change to make is how we think of difficult conversations. We usually think of delivering or receiving bad news, as if it\u2019s something that can be passed around and handed off. You\u2019re either taking it, or you\u2019re giving it. This is how difficult conversations turn into a war of opposite views: \u201cI\u2019ve got bad news, and you\u2019re going to take it\u201d is met with \u201c<em>I\u2019m<\/em> not going to take it \u2014 in fact, I\u2019ve got bad news for you! You take it!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s better to approach difficult conversations as learning conversations. Notice the shift in language: <em>difficult<\/em>, a negative word, to <em>learning<\/em>, a positive word that implies process and mistakes and progress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Improvement requires change, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/why-change-is-hard\/\">change is hard<\/a> and awkward, and requires us to take an honest look at ourselves and break out of our comfort zone. But the rewards of improving will be worth the effort required.<strong> <\/strong>The principles in this book will help improve all your conversations, not just the difficult ones:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>You\u2019ll find it easier to approach any conversation, and conversations will cause less anxiety.&nbsp;<\/li><li>You\u2019ll be less worried about what others might say or how they might respond, and you\u2019ll feel freer to act in the face of tough situations.<\/li><li>You\u2019ll be more self-confident and have a stronger sense of self-respect and integrity.&nbsp;<\/li><li>Your relationships will improve.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>The question isn\u2019t whether you\u2019ve been searching \u201chard enough\u201d for the solution to your issue, but whether you\u2019ve been looking in the right places. The problem doesn\u2019t lie in your actions or what you can do to make difficult conversations easier \u2014 the problem lies in your thinking.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>For the Skeptics<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s a reality that some situations will, unfortunately, be beyond repair, due to the people involved or the circumstances. But many situations will be positively impacted by the principles you learn here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Having difficult conversations will always be difficult, but it helps to keep your goals realistic.<\/strong> You can\u2019t eliminate anxiety, but you can <em>reduce<\/em> the anxiety you feel about having difficult conversations. You can\u2019t achieve perfect results, but you can achieve <em>better<\/em> results.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>The Root of Difficulty: The 3 Conversations<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Difficult conversations are so hard because they\u2019re actually <strong>3 different ongoing conversations wrapped up in one:<\/strong>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>The What Happened Conversation. <\/strong>This conversation includes disagreement over what happened, who did what, and who\u2019s right or who\u2019s to blame.<\/li><li><strong>The Feelings Conversation.<\/strong> This conversation usually goes unsaid, and asks questions about our own feelings: Are my feelings valid or appropriate? Should I acknowledge or deny my feelings? What about the other person\u2019s feelings?<\/li><li><strong>The Identity Conversation.<\/strong> This is an unspoken conversation that we have with ourselves. It circles around what this situation means about who we think we are. For instance, we might ask ourselves, \u201cAm I a bad wife because I don\u2019t cook or clean?\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>And we make predictable errors in all 3 of these conversations:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>In the What Happened Conversation, <strong>we assume our perception is \u201cright\u201d and that we already have all of the information we need.<\/strong> Instead, we should explore what information the other person knows that we don\u2019t.<\/li><li>In the Feelings Conversation, <strong>we try to hide our feelings or we take them out on the other person.<\/strong> Instead, we should share them and manage them constructively.<\/li><li>In the Identity Conversation, <strong>we ignore our true anxiety about what this conversation says about us.<\/strong> Instead, we should thoroughly explore the identities at stake for both people.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>All difficult conversations contain all 3 of these conversations, and we can\u2019t change the challenges inherent in each one \u2014 but we can change the way we <em>respond<\/em> to those challenges, and we can learn how to manage and address all 3 conversations to have better difficult conversations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you avoid having difficult conversations? What topics do you find difficult to talk about? Most people avoid having difficult conversations because they fear the consequences that might arise when they bring up the issue. These issues tend to revolve around discussions of major categories (e.g. race, religion, gender, or politics) or matters that reveal our personal insecurities. All in all, having difficult conversations&nbsp;may never be easy, but there are ways to make them as painless and as stress-free as possible.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":19803,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9,12],"tags":[230],"class_list":["post-28623","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-difficult-conversations","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The Delicate Art of Having Difficult Conversations - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"We tend to avoid having difficult conversations because we fear the consequences. 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But if we avoid tough subjects, things will only get worse.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/having-difficult-conversations\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-03-14T20:08:12+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-03-23T00:20:16+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/therapy-talk-conversation-scaled.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1707\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/having-difficult-conversations\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/having-difficult-conversations\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"The Delicate Art of Having Difficult Conversations\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-03-14T20:08:12+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-03-23T00:20:16+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/having-difficult-conversations\/\"},\"wordCount\":1071,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/having-difficult-conversations\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/therapy-talk-conversation-scaled.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Difficult Conversations\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Psychology\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/having-difficult-conversations\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/having-difficult-conversations\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/having-difficult-conversations\/\",\"name\":\"The Delicate Art of Having Difficult Conversations - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/having-difficult-conversations\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/having-difficult-conversations\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/therapy-talk-conversation-scaled.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-03-14T20:08:12+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-03-23T00:20:16+00:00\",\"description\":\"We tend to avoid having difficult conversations because we fear the consequences. 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