{"id":27382,"date":"2021-03-05T11:32:01","date_gmt":"2021-03-05T15:32:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=27382"},"modified":"2021-03-07T20:23:12","modified_gmt":"2021-03-08T00:23:12","slug":"raising-children","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/raising-children\/","title":{"rendered":"Raising Children: Embrace the Uncertainty"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What is the most important thing in raising children<\/a>? How do parents unintentionally harm their children?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Raising children is an uncertain experience. We tend to want certainty and structure, but parenting is more about embracing the unknown. Unfortunately, the foundation of uncertainty is the perfect environment for shame and judgment to grow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here is how you can set a foundation for raising children that are healthy and wholesome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Raising Children Is Uncertain Experience<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Parenting is wrapped up in doubt, which makes it easy to listen to the fear of not being a good enough parent, and become militant about your chosen methods, or be in constant anxiety about doing the wrong thing. What problems arise as a result of the craving for certainty?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Problem #1\u2014Inflexibility<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

This is characterized by being so attached to our own methods of doing things that we see them as the only way. This is a problem because when we see others doing things in different ways, it causes us to see those different methods as direct criticism of our own–a great recipe for shame. Once we become inflexible, we can\u2019t show up meaningfully, because we\u2019re not able to be present and adapt to changing circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Problem #2\u2014Judgment<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Being certain of anything to an extreme can cause you to judge others for what you perceive to be \u201cwrong\u201d choices. It plays on your inner doubt, because we tend to only engage in judgment when we don\u2019t have confidence in our own methods. This impedes growth because the fear of not being perfect causes you to focus instead on at least being better than those around you, which can become a vicious shame and judgment cycle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The ultimate problem with giving in to the craving for certainty is that it sets an unstable foundation for raising children, and it increases a parent\u2019s fear of making irreparable mistakes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How Parents Unintentionally Harm Their Children<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Children, from a survival standpoint, are deeply vulnerable. They are dependent on those caring for them. Shame causes children to feel unlovable, which threatens their sense of, not just emotional, but physical safety. Under these conditions, for children, shame is trauma. One of the most common ways you can fall short as a parent is by failing to distinguish for your children the difference between \u201cyou are bad\u201d and \u201cyou did something bad.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This distinction is important because we are not our behavior. Children are even more vulnerable than adults to internalizing negative self-talk<\/a>, which makes it crucial to help them understand that how they behave is not a reflection of who they are, but rather a tool for understanding how they feel, which allows them to access the power to choose how they react to how they feel. Example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n