What is a vulnerability armor? Why are we so afraid of appearing vulnerable to the outside world?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We are afraid of what makes us feel most vulnerable, and we are especially afraid of allowing others to see those areas. If you don\u2019t trust that you\u2019re worthy of being seen as you are, your fear can cause you to put up a vulnerability armor to shield your true self.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Keep reading to learn about the three types of vulnerability armor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
Vulnerability isn\u2019t something we want to reveal about ourselves\u2014most would prefer to keep it hidden. To this end, we put up armor of vulnerability to keep our true self\u2014with all of its insecurities and inadequacies\u2014hidden from the outside world. There are three types of vulnerability armor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The feeling you get when you\u2019re happy, but the happiness is followed quickly by a sense of dread.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Research shows that, rather than feeling most vulnerable when experiencing negative emotions, you may actually feel most vulnerable when experiencing positive emotions—particularly joy. Brown actually describes joy as being one of the most difficult emotional experiences to fully access, because when you are unable to face your vulnerability, you are also unable to meet joy with gratitude or excitement, or any positive emotion. You instead feel unsafe and suspicious. You literally begin to dread the experience of joy and plan for disaster. \u201cToo good to be true\u201d becomes an internalized mantra.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The greatest danger with this vulnerability armor is the way you can slip into experiencing life through a lens of perpetual disappointment, to a point where you don\u2019t even feel joy, you just expect pain. The tragedy of this is that you become starved for joy, but unable to be with the vulnerability that would allow you to access it.<\/strong> All you\u2019re really doing when you feed foreboding joy is trying to avoid being surprised by pain. You would rather practice the expectation of it, than be \u201ccaught with your pants down\u201d, so to speak. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The self-destructive belief that you can avoid shame if you do everything in life exactly right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s common to believe that perfectionism is protecting you, when in reality, it is preventing the world from seeing who you truly are<\/a>. Perfectionism is about approval. If you struggle with perfectionism, it\u2019s likely you were rewarded for this behavior from an early age. The risk of being rewarded for perfectionism is that you eventually come to see your identity as directly determined by your accomplishments or validation from external sources. Striving for perfection is a recipe for anxiety, depression, and addiction. It causes you to feel unable to take risks, make mistakes, or disappoint people without becoming debilitated by shame. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Perfectionism is also addictive because you associate your experiences of shame with not being good enough. This becomes a vicious cycle of blaming yourself for your shame, which causes more shame, which causes you to strive even harder to be perceived by others as perfect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The reaching for anything that will allow you to escape from pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Interestingly, it seems that we all engage in numbing. Perhaps not to the point of addiction, but certainly enough that we engage in behaviors that devalue our resilience and suppress our vulnerability. Why are we numbing ourselves? It\u2019s more than just avoidance of pain or feelings of inadequacy. We are desperate to experience either less or more of ourselves. So desperate, that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention tells us that drug overdoses are now the leading cause of death in the United States. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Force #1\u2014Anxiety<\/strong>. Anxiety arises as a result of social discomfort, and constant, unpredictable societal expectations<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Force #2\u2014Disconnection<\/strong>. Often mixed up with depression in the research, but encompasses a number of experiences ranging from feelings of meaninglessness, disengagement, and social isolation. Disconnection creates deep pain because of our biological need for connection. Combine this with the unworthiness at the core of shame, and there is a high probability of numbing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Force #3\u2014Shame<\/strong>. This comes into play when you become so overwhelmed by the above factors that you begin to internalize everything as a result of your own weakness or inherent inability to cope (in other words, \u201cif I could just get it together..\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Numbing is dangerous because it prevents, once again, not just negative emotions, but positive ones as well. It\u2019s not possible to numb selectively.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n You will not be able to remove your armor or shields until you are able to believe you are enough without them.<\/strong> You need to give yourself permission to let the walls down, and trust in your worthiness. How do you give yourself permission to remove the protection? The good news is that each of these armor mechanisms can be overridden by taking actions that demonstrate worthiness. You can use the following tools to disarm your protective thoughts and behaviors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead of catastrophizing when joy arises, shift your perception, and allow the accompanying feeling of vulnerability to remind you what you have to be grateful for. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Brown notes that gratitude is a common practice for the research participants who are able to embrace the vulnerability attached to joy. On an even deeper level, these same participants seem to see conscious gratitude and embracing joy as practices that allow you to trust in a greater thread of connection between yourself and your human experience, as well as yourself and a higher power. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The motivating forces for foreboding joy are, unsurprisingly, fear and scarcity. You fear loss of joy, or fear your ability to recover from pain. You worry that joy has a limit, that there isn\u2019t enough, or you aren\u2019t good enough to receive it. Being joy averse has a great deal to do with feelings of unworthiness<\/a>, so in this vein, practicing gratitude<\/a> is a reminder that not only is there enough, but you<\/em> are enough. <\/p>\n\n\n\n No one is perfect. The healthy alternative to perfectionism is striving to be the best version of yourself, and allowing your own perception to determine this, rather than the perception of others. Perfectionism has a spectrum, but the way out is to shift from being other-focused to being self-focused. In other words, you stop thinking, \u201cDo others think I am enough?\u201d and start trusting<\/em> that you are enough. You can shift the above by cultivating self-compassion<\/a>, developing shame resilience<\/a>, and speaking your truth. Put another way, you can give yourself and your imperfections a damn rest, and maybe even see the beauty in them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dr. Kristen Neff defines three core components of self-compassion you can engage with to recover from perfectionism:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Resist the urge to engage in self-criticism. Practice being kind and supportive to yourself when experiencing moments of suffering or fears of not being enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Know that we are all in this together. There is nothing you can experience that has not been experienced by others, and you are never alone, even when it feels like it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Choose to react to negative emotions with a balanced presence. Understand that you don\u2019t have to identify with them. When you over-identify, there is a tendency to be extreme, which causes you to either suppress, or blow up your emotions. Mindfulness<\/a> allows you to stay centered, instead of being taken for a ride by your negative thoughts and feelings<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You can disarm numbing by practicing mindfulness, healthy boundaries, and leaning into discomfort.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Mindfulness is quite simple. It\u2019s about being present with your feelings and allowing yourself to really feel them. You can use mindfulness to notice, without judgment, that you are engaging in, or are about to engage in numbing behaviors. An example of this might be noticing that you\u2019re experiencing anxiety, and then observing the impulse to binge-watch something on Netflix. When you are able to notice these things in the moment, you then have the ability to make a new choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Boundaries are about understanding and honoring your limitations, both internally and with others. With yourself, this might look like knowing a certain habit or behavior leads to numbing, and lovingly redirecting yourself to a healthier habit or behavior (for example, you want to smoke weed to avoid emotions<\/a>, but instead, you write in a journal, or exercise). With others, this might look like knowing being around a certain person or in a certain environment is going to make you feel bad, so you choose not to be around that person or environment (for example, you don\u2019t like bars, but your friend invites you to go. You let your friend know you\u2019re grateful for the invite, but you\u2019re going to pass on this one. Maybe you even offer an alternative activity you would both enjoy). <\/p>\n\n\n\nVulnerability Armor #2\u2014Perfectionism <\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Vulnerability Armor #3\u2014Numbing<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
The Driving Forces For Numbing<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Disarming Tool #1: Foreboding Joy<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Why Is Gratitude So Effective?<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Disarming Tool #2: Perfectionism<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Component #1\u2014Being Kind to Yourself<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Component #2\u2014Remembering You\u2019re Not Alone<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Component #3\u2014Staying Present<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Disarming Tool #3: Numbing<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Practice #1<\/strong>\u2014<\/strong>Mindfulness<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Practice #2<\/strong>\u2014<\/strong>Boundaries<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Practice #3<\/strong>\u2014<\/strong>Leaning In<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n