{"id":23868,"date":"2021-01-17T09:27:45","date_gmt":"2021-01-17T13:27:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=23868"},"modified":"2021-01-22T19:35:03","modified_gmt":"2021-01-22T23:35:03","slug":"nvc-conflict-resolution","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/nvc-conflict-resolution\/","title":{"rendered":"Conflict Resolution Without Compromise: The NVC Way"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What is the NVC conflict resolution method? How does it differ from the traditional compromise-oriented approach?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unlike the traditional approach to conflict<\/a> resolution, the nonviolent communication (NVC) method does not aim for a compromise. Instead, the NVC approach focuses on what both parties need and creates solutions that will meet those needs in full.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read about the NVC conflict resolution process and how it is executed in practice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

What Is NVC Conflict Resolution?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

NVC is a helpful tool for any type of communication, but it is especially useful for conflict resolution, mediation, and counseling others. In the author\u2019s years of experience applying NVC with all kinds of people and all types of conflicts, he found that almost every conflict can eventually be resolved if everyone commits to following NVC principles. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In this context, \u201cconflict resolution\u201d refers to the process of resolving conflicts between yourself and another person; \u201cmediation\u201d refers to helping others resolve a conflict in which you are not involved. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Importance of Human Connection in NVC<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Establishing a human connection<\/a> between the people involved in a conflict is the most important part of Nonviolent Communication. Without that connection, none of the other steps will be useful because neither party will be motivated to truly understand the other. In fact, creating a genuine human connection is the true goal of NVC\u2014either party getting what they want is a byproduct of that relationship. <\/strong>To successfully resolve a conflict with NVC, everyone involved must understand and agree to that goal. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The emphasis on human connection differentiates the NVC approach from traditional mediation and conflict resolution techniques. In traditional mediation, the mediator\u2019s goal is to get everyone to agree to a single solution. Establishing any kind of genuine connection between the people involved is out of their purview\u2014many mediators even see the NVC approach as a form of psychotherapy, not mediation. In reality, the NVC approach to conflict resolution is much more efficient: Instead of offering solutions first and asking for feedback<\/a>, NVC focuses on what both parties need and creates solutions that will meet those needs in full. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the people on both sides of a conflict establish a human connection and a sense of mutual respect, they\u2019ll understand that their own needs and the other person\u2019s needs are equally important. Therefore, the goal of conflict resolution in NVC is <\/strong>not <\/em><\/strong>compromise. <\/strong>In a compromise, neither party\u2019s needs are fully met\u2014even if the immediate problem is smoothed over, those remaining unmet needs will only cause further problems down the road. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Throughout the entire process of resolving a conflict using NVC, both parties should avoid language that labels, blames, or implies wrongness, since that kind of language often brings empathic conversations to a halt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Five Steps of NVC Conflict Resolution<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The NVC conflict resolution process has five steps. (As noted, the first two steps are reversible\u2014the important thing is to focus on giving everyone a chance to express their needs before moving on to solutions.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Express your own needs. <\/li>
  2. Identify the other person\u2019s needs (this can also be done before expressing your own needs).<\/li>
  3. Verify that both of you accurately understand each other\u2019s needs.<\/li>
  4. Provide empathy.<\/li>
  5. Propose strategies that meet everyone\u2019s needs. <\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    Step 1: Express Your Own Needs<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    In this step, be careful to differentiate between needs and strategies. Needs are the fundamental physical and psychological resources that sustain life<\/strong>, like water, food, meaning, and support. Needs can be met with a number of different strategies<\/em>\u2014specific actions that fulfill a need. It\u2019s sometimes difficult to tell needs and strategies apart because we\u2019re not used to openly and vulnerably sharing our needs. The fundamental difference is that need statements don\u2019t refer to any person doing any particular action.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    For example, the statement \u201cI need you to leave me alone for a minute\u201d is a strategy, not a statement of need, because it references someone doing something. A true need statement in that situation might be \u201cI need quiet in order to focus.\u201d That statement leaves the door open for many possible solutions (like earplugs or going to a different room) instead of mandating a certain action. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    It can be tempting to couch need statements in intellectual analysis by starting a statement with \u201cI think\u201d instead of \u201cI need.\u201d Unfortunately, people often interpret analysis as criticism, which can shut down the conversation<\/strong>. For example, saying \u201cI need to express myself more clearly so I can feel understood\u201d instead of \u201cI think you\u2019re misunderstanding me\u201d avoids the analysis trap and keeps the focus on needs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Step 2: Identify Others\u2019 Needs<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    If the person you\u2019re communicating with isn\u2019t practicing NVC, they might express their needs in more indirect ways. Silence, rejection, judgmental comments, and nonverbal cues<\/a> are all veiled statements of need. By recognizing these and translating them, you can keep the conversation flowing nonviolently even if the person you\u2019re talking to isn\u2019t playing along. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Identifying needs expressed through judgment or silence usually involves a degree of guessing. People often use the same cues to express different needs or emotions (like sighing heavily to express exhaustion, frustration, or sadness), so it\u2019s important to check that guess with the other person. This might be a continual process, since most people are more likely to respond with a second indirect expression rather than a clear \u201cYes, you interpreted my needs correctly.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Step 3: Verify That Everyone\u2019s Needs Have Been Heard<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    Once you\u2019ve expressed your own needs and identified the other person\u2019s needs, it\u2019s helpful to check that you both understand each other correctly. We often skip this step because we incorrectly assume that when one person clearly expresses a need, the other person hears that need exactly the same way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    In practice, this process is a simple but powerful way to avoid further miscommunication down the line. After you\u2019ve listened to someone\u2019s needs, paraphrase those needs back to them to check your understanding; after you\u2019ve expressed your own needs, you can ask them to do the same. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Step 4: Provide Empathy<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    When people are hurting, they often can\u2019t hear the needs and feelings of others until their own pain has been recognized and understood. The conversation can\u2019t move forward until they get the empathy they need (but just like in any conversation, if you\u2019re feeling too many strong emotions yourself to provide that empathy, it\u2019s best to step away and give yourself some emergency first-aid empathy first). If you skip ahead to the solution phase, the underlying feelings and needs will linger\u2014even if you resolve the conflict on a practical level, the relationship will suffer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Step 5: Propose Solutions<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    Remember, solutions in NVC are courses of action that meet everyone\u2019s <\/em>needs rather than asking people to compromise. Propose solutions using present language<\/strong> by requesting what you need in this moment<\/strong> in order to move forward. This keeps the conversation moving because it gives the other person the chance to either agree or refuse right in the moment. This creates an immediate feedback cycle\u2014if they refuse, you can continue problem solving\u2014rather than having to resume the conversation days or weeks later. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    For example, instead of saying, \u201cI want you to come to the party with me this weekend\u201d and then having to wait several days to see if the person follows through, you can say, \u201cI\u2019d like you to tell me if you\u2019d be willing to go to the party with me this weekend.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    It\u2019s also helpful to use positive action language<\/strong> when proposing a solution<\/a> (by asking for what you do <\/em>want right now instead of what you don\u2019t <\/em>want) so that your request is clear and specific. However, word choice is important, as some positive action language is easy to mistake for a judgment or attack. For example, \u201cI want you to listen when I speak\u201d or \u201cI want you to be responsible\u201d feel like accusations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    To avoid this, focus your request on things that can be immediately seen or heard. Imagine your conversation is being filmed\u2014your requests should be for things that would be picked up on camera<\/strong> (unlike \u201clistening\u201d or \u201cbeing responsible,\u201d which are abstract ideas). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Remember, a true request is one that the person is free to say \u201cno\u201d to without fear of punishment. If they do <\/em>refuse your request, listen for the need behind that refusal that is preventing them from saying yes, then try to propose solutions that will also meet that need. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Example: Resolving a Decades-Old Marital Conflict<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

    Let\u2019s use a real-life example to illustrate this process. In one of Rosenberg\u2019s NVC workshops, he mediated a conflict for a married couple who had been arguing about their finances for almost forty years. He began by asking the wife if she could identify her husband\u2019s needs<\/strong> in this conflict. Her answers reflect common mistakes people make when identifying needs:<\/p>\n\n\n\n