{"id":23858,"date":"2021-01-18T09:18:21","date_gmt":"2021-01-18T13:18:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=23858"},"modified":"2021-01-22T19:35:14","modified_gmt":"2021-01-22T23:35:14","slug":"nvc-empathy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/nvc-empathy\/","title":{"rendered":"Nonviolent Communication (NVC): Empathy Matters"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What is the NVC empathy approach? How can you apply it in practice?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Nonviolent Communication<\/em> provides a helpful framework for maintaining an empathic presence when people express themselves. In NVC, empathy requires focusing our full attention on the person and listening for the needs and feelings beneath their words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Read about NVC, empathy, and communication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>The NVC Empathy<\/strong> Approach<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Just like in expressive communication, when we listen to others in a nonviolent way, we focus on four things: observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Keep in mind that people are always expressing their feelings and needs when they communicate. Focus on listening for those feelings and needs, even when they\u2019re expressed indirectly. For example, if someone says, \u201cI hate my job,\u201d they may really be trying to say, \u201cI feel empty at work because I need recognition when I do a good job.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Paraphrasing With Questions<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>When you focus on someone\u2019s feelings and needs, be careful not to take your own interpretations of their words as fact. Instead, check in frequently to make sure you understand exactly what they\u2019re saying. This prevents miscommunications from spiraling out of control and gives the other person a chance to make sure they\u2019re being heard correctly (which ultimately saves everyone time and struggle). To do this, try <strong>paraphrasing <\/strong>the feelings and needs you hear in the form of a question.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To illustrate this, let\u2019s look at an example based on a real-life married couple who attended a workshop on NVC empathy techniques. When the husband told his wife, \u201cYou never listen,\u201d Rosenberg challenged her to listen for the feelings and needs behind the statement and respond with empathy. Here were her first few attempts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>\u201cAre you feeling unhappy with me?\u201d<\/strong> This is an understandable question, but the words \u201cwith me\u201d imply that her actions have <em>caused<\/em> her husband\u2019s emotions. She automatically takes responsibility for his feelings, but remember, each of us is only responsible for our own emotions.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>\u201cAre you feeling unhappy because you feel like I don\u2019t understand you?\u201d <\/strong>Here, she\u2019s listening for the feelings as well as the needs behind them. But her language focuses on what her husband might be <em>thinking<\/em> about her rather than what he\u2019s <em>needing<\/em>.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>\u201cAre you feeling unhappy because you are needing to be heard?\u201d <\/strong>This question reflects the husband\u2019s feelings <em>and <\/em>his needs. It doesn\u2019t matter if she\u2019s guessed incorrectly about either of these because the question format gives her husband a chance to correct any misunderstanding.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>You can also ask paraphrasing questions to clarify what someone is specifically observing (\u201cAre you reacting to your boss skipping the meeting?\u201d) or what they are requesting (\u201cAre you wanting me to help you with this assignment?\u201d).&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Notice how these questions are different from questions like \u201cHow do you feel about that?\u201d or \u201cWhat do you need me to do?\u201d These questions are well-intentioned but in practice can sound like analysis, which makes the listener feel like a problem you\u2019re trying to solve. Instead, asking paraphrasing questions makes it clear that you\u2019re really listening and empathizing with someone\u2019s experience, even if you don\u2019t interpret them correctly on the first try.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Things to Keep in Mind While Paraphrasing<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Paraphrasing is especially important when someone is expressing powerful emotions because the person is particularly vulnerable. In that state, empathy is crucial because offering advice or criticism is likely to make someone feel unheard and unsafe. This applies to both <em>what<\/em> you say and <em>how <\/em>you say it. <strong>In an emotionally vulnerable situation, people are extremely sensitive to any hint of criticism, even through subtle vocal or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/\">body language<\/a> cues.&nbsp;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Again, this may be especially difficult when someone\u2019s feelings and needs are buried beneath insults and hateful words. Thankfully, over time, focusing on those feelings and needs makes it easier to see people as hurting human beings rather than irredeemable monsters, which ultimately takes away their power to hurt or dehumanize us.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>When you paraphrase someone\u2019s feelings and needs back to them, you act as a mirror that lets them take a deeper look at their own inner world than they may have otherwise. <\/strong>That kind of introspection can trigger new insights as buried feelings are unearthed. As the listener, this may sound like the speaker has switched topics entirely, but that doesn\u2019t mean they no longer need you to listen empathically\u2014in fact, those deeper wounds are the ones <em>most <\/em>in need of true empathy. For that reason, it\u2019s important to continue listening without offering solutions for as long as it takes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Once someone feels fully heard, there\u2019s often a palpable sense of relief for both the speaker and the listener. You may notice a release of physical tension in your own body as the speaker winds down. When the process is fully worked through, the speaker will naturally stop talking as they sense their feelings and needs being fully understood.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s not always necessary or helpful to paraphrase someone\u2019s feelings and needs verbally, especially if directly acknowledging the person\u2019s emotions would cause embarrassment because of cultural norms. For example, Rosenberg once coached a man to use NVC empathy to transform his relationship with his father without ever paraphrasing out loud, because for a son to discuss his father\u2019s emotions directly was socially taboo in traditional Chinese culture. In that case, it\u2019s even more important to listen carefully for the feelings and needs being expressed, since you may not get the chance to check your understanding.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>When NVC Empathy Techniques Hurt<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>There are times when true empathy is impossible, particularly when you\u2019re starved for empathy yourself or worn out from empathizing with others. Likewise, if you\u2019re feeling attacked or insulted by the other person, it\u2019s natural to be pushed into a fight or flight response that blocks empathy. <strong>If the topic affects you personally, it may not be possible to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/maintaining-focus\/\">maintain focus<\/a> on the other person\u2019s feelings and needs<\/strong>. Recognizing when you\u2019re not able to give someone the kind of empathy that NVC requires is an important part of the process. In that case, you have a few options.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>First, you can <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/be-sincere\/\">offer yourself<\/a> emotional first aid by focusing on your own feelings in the same nonviolent way. Being present with your own pain or exhaustion without judgment is a powerful form of empathy.<\/li><li>Second, you can acknowledge that you\u2019re simply not able to respond empathetically in that moment. Depending on the context, you can even directly ask for empathy in order to refill the \u201cempathy tank.\u201d&nbsp;<ul><li>When you\u2019re truly worn down, it may not be possible to do this gently\u2014it\u2019s okay to release those difficult feelings by screaming as long as you do so nonviolently. In practice, \u201cnonviolent screaming\u201d just means expressing your own feelings and needs authentically, without holding back the intensity of your energy. The \u201cnonviolent\u201d part means that even if you raise your voice, you don\u2019t blame, accuse, or insult anyone else. You simply call attention to your own desperate needs.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul><\/li><li>Lastly, if neither of these approaches is useful, it may be necessary to physically step away from the conversation until everyone can cool down and refill their empathy tanks. This can help reboot an emotionally intense conversation and allow a fresh start when all parties are better able to empathize.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The Meaning of Silence<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes, it can be more difficult to empathize with silence than with someone\u2019s words.<strong> In the face of silence, our storytelling brains invent all sorts of worst-case scenarios for what someone else must be thinking and feeling. <\/strong>The NVC empathy approach challenges us to check those assumptions with the other person rather than assume we can read their mind.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, if you share something deeply emotional with someone who turns away with a disgusted look on their face, you may automatically interpret those silent cues as a sign that you\u2019ve overshared or that this person disapproves of you somehow. But if you check those assumptions with empathy\u2014\u201cI\u2019m sensing that you feel disgusted and you\u2019d like me to keep my feelings to myself\u201d\u2014you may discover that their silence had nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own emotions about an experience you reminded them of.\u00a0If you sense disgust or rejection in someone\u2019s silence, it can be difficult to empathize. But silence can convey other feelings, too. Maybe you\u2019ve noticed a friend who looks visibly upset but doesn\u2019t want to talk about what\u2019s wrong. Or imagine a teacher pulling a depressed-looking student aside to ask if they\u2019re okay and getting only a shrug in response. In these cases, use the NVC empathy approach to \u201clisten\u201d to what someone is expressing nonverbally and reflect it back to them. This may encourage them to open up, or it may not\u2014either way, <strong>what\u2019s important is your ability to stay present and continue giving them your focused attention rather than walking away because you can\u2019t \u201cfix\u201d their emotions.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What is the NVC empathy approach? How can you apply it in practice? Nonviolent Communication provides a helpful framework for maintaining an empathic presence when people express themselves. In NVC, empathy requires focusing our full attention on the person and listening for the needs and feelings beneath their words. Read about NVC, empathy, and communication.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":23865,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9,6],"tags":[190],"class_list":["post-23858","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","category-spiritual","tag-nonviolent-communication","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Nonviolent Communication (NVC): Empathy Matters - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In NVC, empathy requires focusing our full attention on the person and listening for the needs and feelings beneath their words. Read more.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/nvc-empathy\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Nonviolent Communication (NVC): Empathy Matters\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"In NVC, empathy requires focusing our full attention on the person and listening for the needs and feelings beneath their words. 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