{"id":23855,"date":"2021-01-21T09:52:50","date_gmt":"2021-01-21T13:52:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=23855"},"modified":"2021-01-22T19:35:44","modified_gmt":"2021-01-22T23:35:44","slug":"emotional-responsibility","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/emotional-responsibility\/","title":{"rendered":"Emotional Responsibility: Own Your Side of the Fence"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What is emotional responsibility? How can taking responsibility<\/a> for your feelings help you understand what is driving them?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When negative emotions take over, we often place the blame on people or circumstances. But in reality, people or events are never the true cause of our emotions\u2014these are just stimuli. Understanding this is the first to step to assuming emotional responsibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read more to learn about emotional responsibility and how it can benefit both yourself and others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

What Is Emotional Responsibility?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Once you identify what<\/em> you\u2019re feeling, identify why<\/em> you\u2019re feeling it. When our needs aren\u2019t met, we often instinctively place the blame on our circumstances with expressions like \u201cHe drives me nuts\u201d or \u201cYou disappointed me.\u201d But in reality, it\u2019s the way you <\/strong>react<\/em><\/strong> to your circumstances that determines how you feel, not the circumstances themselves. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s important to understand that this doesn\u2019t mean your feelings aren\u2019t justified or that you can simply choose to feel happy instead of miserable. When you assume emotional responsibility, you acknowledge that your feelings stem from your own needs and expectations and not from the actions of others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just as in identifying and expressing feelings<\/a>, language plays an important role in emotional responsibility. There are three ways we deny responsibility for our emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Using \u201cit\u201d and \u201cthat\u201d to describe your reaction (like \u201cThat makes me nervous\u201d or \u201cIt annoys me when you do that\u201d) implies that something external is causing your feelings.<\/li>
  2. Using a pronoun other than \u201cI\u201d after the phrase \u201cI feel this emotion because.\u201d This looks like \u201cI feel sad because he didn\u2019t show up\u201d or \u201cI feel annoyed because she isn\u2019t here yet.\u201d<\/li>
  3. Correctly labeling<\/a> a feeling, but attributing it to someone or something else, like \u201cWhen you forgot my birthday, I felt lonely.\u201d<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    You can reword each of these statements to express a feeling (and take responsibility for it) by stating the feeling followed by the phrase \u201cbecause I.\u201d The table below shows three examples.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Original Statement<\/strong><\/td>Taking Responsibility for the Feeling<\/strong><\/td><\/tr>
    \u201cIt annoys me when you do that.\u201d<\/td>\u201cI feel annoyed because I don\u2019t want to be distracted from my work right now.\u201d<\/td><\/tr>
    \u201cI feel sad because he didn\u2019t show up.\u201d<\/td>\u201cI feel sad because I was really looking forward to seeing him.\u201d<\/td><\/tr>
    \u201cWhen you forgot my birthday, I felt lonely.\u201d<\/td>\u201cI felt lonely because I want to know that you care about me.\u201d<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

    Taking emotional responsibility benefits everyone involved. Blaming a negative feeling on someone else\u2019s actions creates a sense of guilt in that person\u2014if their behavior changes after that, you have no way of knowing whether they\u2019re motivated by guilt or genuine affection. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Reacting to Being Mistreated<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    Assuming emotional responsibility isn\u2019t easy, especially when you\u2019ve been mistreated in some way. When that happens, you have four choices for how to react: You can blame yourself, blame the other person, notice your feelings and needs, or notice the other person\u2019s feelings and needs. For example, imagine your partner says, \u201cYou\u2019re so needy.\u201d What are your choices?<\/p>\n\n\n\n