{"id":23841,"date":"2021-01-11T09:34:01","date_gmt":"2021-01-11T13:34:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=23841"},"modified":"2021-01-22T19:33:53","modified_gmt":"2021-01-22T23:33:53","slug":"violent-communication","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/violent-communication\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Types of Violent Communication"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What is violent communication? How can NVC help you learn to communicate with respect, kindness, and compassion?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Violent communication is any form of communication that blocks our ability to focus on our core humanity and establish real connections. Many of these ideas are so embedded in our language and culture that we\u2019ve lost sight of how they create distance between ourselves and others.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read about the types of violent communication and what to do instead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

What Is Violent Communication<\/strong>?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In the context of NVC, the words \u201cviolent\u201d and \u201cnonviolent\u201d don\u2019t just refer to physical conflict. Any communication that causes pain or harm to anyone (including ourselves) is \u201cviolent,\u201d while any communication that stems from true compassion is \u201cnonviolent.\u201d Rosenberg uses the phrase \u201clife-alienating communication\u201d to describe any form of communication that blocks our ability to focus on our core humanity and establish real connections. In this context, there are five types of \u201clife-alienating\u201d or violent communication:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. moralistic judgments;<\/li>
  2. comparisons;<\/li>
  3. denial of responsibility;<\/li>
  4. demands (as opposed to requests);<\/li>
  5. compliments.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    1. Moralistic Judgments<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    These judgments stem from the belief that our values are good, and anyone who doesn\u2019t share our values is wrong or bad. This can take the form of blame, labels, insults, criticism, or diagnoses. Moralistic judgments are different from value judgments, which express our beliefs about the world rather than a specific person or group. For example, \u201cviolence is bad\u201d is a value judgment; \u201cviolent people are evil\u201d is a moralistic judgment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Making moralistic judgments of others is really a roundabout way of expressing our own values and needs (for example, if we label one political party as \u201cbad,\u201d that\u2019s a way of communicating that their values don\u2019t align with our own). Unfortunately, when we express our values and needs through labels, it creates conflict and moves us even further from getting our needs met. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The moment we label someone, we create distance between them and us, which allows us to forget our common humanity. This distance is dangerous\u2014the root cause of violence is attributing \u201cwrongness\u201d to another person or group.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    This kind of violent communication is especially prevalent in societies with strong hierarchies of power because it upholds the notion that some people are \u201cgood\u201d (and so \u201cdeserve\u201d to be in power) and some people are \u201cbad\u201d (and \u201cdeserve\u201d whatever punishments they get). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Rather than label someone based on our own beliefs or analyses, stick to pure observation. For example, instead of saying, \u201cSarah is so lazy,\u201d say \u201cSarah has been late to work three times this week.\u201d This is an objective observation of what someone does, says, or believes, rather than a judgment of who they are as a person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2. Making Comparisons<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    As the saying goes, \u201cComparison is the thief of joy.\u201d When you compare yourself to other people, you\u2019re really making a moralistic judgment about whether they are \u201cbetter\u201d or \u201cworse\u201d than you are. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    3. Denial of Responsibility<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    When you attribute the causes of your feelings and actions<\/a> to an external source, you deny your own responsibility. For example, the phrases \u201cHe makes me so angry,\u201d \u201cI was late because my partner took too long getting ready,\u201d and \u201cI have to wear a skirt to church because I\u2019m a woman\u201d are all denials of responsibility. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    One way to practice taking responsibility<\/a> for your thoughts, feelings, and behavior is by replacing the words \u201chave to\u201d with \u201cchoose to.\u201d For example, instead of saying, \u201cI have to get up early,\u201d you can say, \u201cI choose to get up early because getting to work on time is important to me.\u201d That way, you remind yourself that you\u2019re responsible for your own choices and that many of the things you do out of \u201cobligation\u201d are actually choices that serve your higher values. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    This exercise might feel strange at first because we\u2019re so used to thinking in terms of obligation. You might even be thinking that some things really are<\/em> \u201chave tos,\u201d not \u201cchoose tos.\u201d But underneath everything you do is a choice you make based on your needs or values. Even something as basic as eating is something you choose to do because you need energy and value being alive. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    4. Making Demands<\/strong> <\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    Expressing requests as demands is a form of toxic communication<\/a> because it implicitly threatens blame and punishment if the person refuses (for example, a parent asking their child to clean up the kitchen is a demand if the child assumes she\u2019ll be punished if she doesn\u2019t obey). In fact, the concepts of reward and punishment themselves are forms of toxic communication because they depend on moralistic judgments. The idea that someone \u201cdeserves\u201d reward or punishment stems from our judgment of whether they are \u201cgood\u201d or \u201cbad.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    5. Compliments<\/strong>: An Unexpected Form of Violent Communication<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    Surprisingly, compliments are also a form of violent communication because compliments are really a type of judgment. If someone calls you \u201cbrilliant\u201d or \u201ctalented,\u201d they\u2019re making a judgment about who you are<\/a> <\/em>as a person. The fact that it\u2019s a positive judgment doesn\u2019t change the fact that it prevents you from forming a genuine human connection<\/a> with the person making the judgment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Another reason even positive judgments can be toxic is that people often use compliments as a tool of manipulation.<\/strong> Managers might compliment their employees as a way to increase productivity; parents use praise to encourage their children\u2019s \u201cgood\u201d behavior and discourage \u201cbad\u201d behavior. But even genuine appreciation and praise can be difficult to accept gracefully because it directly contradicts that self-critical inner voice<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    A secondary reason for avoiding positive judgment labels is that they give the person very little information about what they did right. If you tell your child, \u201cYou\u2019re so smart,\u201d they may have no idea what they did that earned them the label \u201csmart\u201d and be confused about what you expect of them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Instead of relying on compliments, you can show appreciation by telling someone which of your needs they\u2019ve met and how that made you feel. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Similarly, when someone else expresses appreciation for you<\/em>, don\u2019t get caught up in whether or not you \u201cdeserve\u201d that appreciation. Reframe their praise by asking them to articulate which needs of theirs you\u2019ve helped to meet and how that made them feel. That way, their appreciation isn\u2019t a judgment of who you are<\/em>, it\u2019s an expression of gratitude for something you\u2019ve done<\/em>. By reframing praise in this way, you can celebrate the joy you\u2019re able to bring other people without worrying about their judgment of you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    What is violent communication? How can NVC help you learn to communicate with respect, kindness, and compassion? Violent communication is any form of communication that blocks our ability to focus on our core humanity and establish real connections. Many of these ideas are so embedded in our language and culture that we\u2019ve lost sight of how they create distance between ourselves and others.\u00a0 Read about the types of violent communication and what to do instead.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":23850,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12,43],"tags":[190],"class_list":["post-23841","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships","category-self-improvement","tag-nonviolent-communication","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\n5 Types of Violent Communication - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In NVC, there are five types of violent communication. 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