{"id":23369,"date":"2021-01-06T09:39:04","date_gmt":"2021-01-06T13:39:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=23369"},"modified":"2021-01-15T19:06:51","modified_gmt":"2021-01-15T23:06:51","slug":"child-tantrums","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/child-tantrums\/","title":{"rendered":"Child&#8217;s Tantrums: Ignore, Command, or Connect?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What is the best way to respond to your child&#8217;s tantrums? Should you ignore them? Command your child to obey? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Although conventional wisdom tells parents to ignore their child&#8217;s tantrums to avoid encouraging the bad behavior, that approach doesn&#8217;t help with long-term resolution. Instead, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-kids\/\">connect with your child<\/a> emotionally and brainstorm the solution together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Read about how to handle your child&#8217;s tantrums using the connect-and-redirect strategy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Connect-and-Redirect Strategy for Child Tantrums: <\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>When your child throw tantrums\u2014whether they are upset about chores or refusing to finish dinner\u2014you have two choices:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Use your authority to command your child to obey<\/strong>, which may get results but will antagonize her in the process.<\/li><li><strong>Engage her rational brain to reach a resolution<\/strong>, which empowers your child to be part of the solution.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>If your child is upset and throwing a tantrum, start by taking the connect-and-redirect strategy. Connect emotionally by using soft touch and voice to try to identify how your child is feeling and why. When your child begins to calm down and open up emotionally, she will be receptive to approach the situation from the place of reason as opposed to emotion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>At this point,  invite her to help you brainstorm a solution, or to offer a suggestion for negotiation. Encouraging your child to participate in the problem solving has several benefits:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>She practices <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/analytical-way-of-thinking\/\">analytical thinking<\/a><\/strong> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/methods-of-decision-making-crucial-conversations\/\">decision-making<\/a>.<\/li><li><strong>She feels self-efficacy<\/strong>, which lays the foundation for a strong <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/a-sense-of-agency\/\">sense of agency<\/a>.<\/li><li><strong>She reflects on the way she handled the situation <\/strong>and how she can act more effectively and appropriately next time.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>She has to consider other people\u2019s needs <\/strong>and feelings in trying to come up with a solution that works for everyone.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Once you\u2019ve worked together to reach a resolution, address misbehavior, if necessary, and talk about appropriate ways of handling similar situations and big emotions in the future.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Two Types of Child Tantrums<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>There are two types of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/child-tantrums-2\/\">children&#8217;s tantrums<\/a>. Downstairs tantrums are the result of the child being in the midst of an emotional takeover by their downstairs brain. The child is overwhelmed by her emotions and not capable of keeping them in check. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In contrast to emotion-driven <em>downstairs<\/em> tantrums, upstairs tantrums are strategic, manipulative tantrums that a child intentionally throws, in hopes of getting her parents to give in to her demands. This tantrum requires analytical thinking and decision-making\u2014thus, it\u2019s a product of the upstairs brain. With the upstairs brain already engaged, you can use reasoning to explain to your child why the tantrum is inappropriate and what the consequences will be if she continues to act out. Stand firm and carry through with consequences, if necessary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Tips for Using This Strategy at Different Ages<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Ages 0-3<\/strong>: \u201cNo\u201d tends to trigger toddlers\u2019 downstairs brains. Avoid using \u201cno\u201d unless you really need to, and try to stay calm and redirect. For example, instead of simply telling your toddler to stop banging the mirror with her stick, engage her problem-solving upstairs brain by suggesting that you go outside together to find another use for the stick.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Ages 3-6<\/strong>: When your child misbehaves, instead of responding with a statement (such as, \u201cThat\u2019s not a nice thing to say\u201d), respond with a question that requires her to use her upstairs brain. For example, rather than merely telling her that her behavior is inappropriate, ask her to brainstorm a more acceptable way of acting. Give her positive reinforcement when she thinks of a better alternative.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Ages 6-9<\/strong>: Do as much as you can to engage your child\u2019s upstairs brain, which is going through significant growth at this age. If she\u2019s upset about a decision you\u2019ve made, explain your thought process, ask her if she has a different suggestion, and negotiate (within parameters that are acceptable to you).&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Ages 9-12<\/strong>: Your child\u2019s upstairs brain is still undergoing tremendous growth\u2014so use it (and avoid saying, \u201cBecause I said so,\u201d which will likely enrage her downstairs brain). Whenever possible, ask your child to help you in decision-making and problem-solving.&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What is the best way to respond to your child&#8217;s tantrums? Should you ignore them? Command your child to obey? Although conventional wisdom tells parents to ignore their child&#8217;s tantrums to avoid encouraging the bad behavior, that approach doesn&#8217;t help with long-term resolution. Instead, connect with your child emotionally and brainstorm the solution together. Read about how to handle your child&#8217;s tantrums using the connect-and-redirect strategy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":23374,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,9],"tags":[186],"class_list":["post-23369","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-psychology","tag-the-whole-brain-child","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Child&#039;s Tantrums: Ignore, Command, or Connect? - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Child tantrums come in all shapes and sizes: crying, running away, disobeying. 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No matter how they manifest, there are 2 ways to handle it.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/child-tantrums\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-01-06T13:39:04+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-01-15T23:06:51+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/child-tantrum-parenting.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1220\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"650\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/child-tantrums\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/child-tantrums\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"Child&#8217;s Tantrums: Ignore, Command, or Connect?\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-01-06T13:39:04+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-01-15T23:06:51+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/child-tantrums\/\"},\"wordCount\":692,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/child-tantrums\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/child-tantrum-parenting.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"The Whole-Brain Child\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Parenting\",\"Psychology\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/child-tantrums\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/child-tantrums\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/child-tantrums\/\",\"name\":\"Child's Tantrums: Ignore, Command, or Connect? - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/child-tantrums\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/child-tantrums\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/child-tantrum-parenting.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-01-06T13:39:04+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-01-15T23:06:51+00:00\",\"description\":\"Child tantrums come in all shapes and sizes: crying, running away, disobeying. 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