{"id":223,"date":"2019-07-01T22:57:02","date_gmt":"2019-07-02T02:57:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=223"},"modified":"2019-07-01T22:57:03","modified_gmt":"2019-07-02T02:57:03","slug":"contempt-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/contempt-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Contempt in Marriage: Are You Getting a Divorce?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Marital success isn\u2019t determined by how often a couple sleeps together, or opinions on how to raise children, or how each person handles finances&#8211;it\u2019s determined by the skill with which a couple discusses disagreements in those categories. <strong>Agreeing on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-disagree-crucial-conversations\/\">how to disagree<\/a> is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-have-a-successful-marriage\/\">the key to a successful marriage<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Criticism and Contempt<\/strong> in Marriage<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/gottman-love-lab-marriage-divorce\/\">John Gottman<\/a>, one of the foremost American scholars on marriage, found that <strong>harsh criticism is an early warning sign of a marriage in danger<\/strong>. When either party complains in a destructive manner, such as personal attacks on their spouse\u2019s character, it\u2019s a telltale sign that all is not well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>In a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-have-a-successful-marriage-2\/\">healthy marriage<\/a>, both parties are comfortable expressing complaints about <\/strong><strong><em>actions<\/em><\/strong><strong> the other person has taken. They identify the action and describe how it made them feel.<\/strong> \u201cWhen you forgot to put gas in my car, it made me feel like you didn\u2019t care about me.\u201d They try to view a partner\u2019s mistake as one made due to circumstances that can be changed&#8211;an action separate from their personhood.<\/li><li><strong>In an unhealthy marriage, one or both parties attack the personhood of the other, not the actions they take.<\/strong> The turn single actions into black and white statements on the other person\u2019s character. \u201cYou forgot to put gas in my car. You always do that, you\u2019re so selfish, you don\u2019t care about anyone but yourself. Why do I ask you to do anything at all?\u201d This makes the other person feel like <em>they\u2019re the problem<\/em>, not that they made a mistake.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Repeated incidents of anger in a marriage often lead to contempt, which is one of the most detrimental feelings that can enter into a marriage.<\/strong>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>In one of Gottman\u2019s studies, if one spouse exhibited a facial expression of contempt, the other spouse\u2019s heart rate immediately increased.&nbsp;<\/li><li>Continual contempt takes different tolls depending on who shows it:<ul><li>When husbands frequently show contempt, their wives are more likely to experience health problems&#8211;they\u2019re prone to more frequent colds and flus, bladder and yeast infections, and gastrointestinal distress.<\/li><li>When wives frequently show contempt, the marriage is likely to end within 4 years.<\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Criticism and contempt reflect that one spouse has made a negative mental judgment about their partner. The contemptuous spouse attacks, which causes their partner to become defensive or counterattack.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>One defining factor of the toxic thoughts that lead to repeated displays of contempt is that they are absolutes: when a mistake is made, it isn\u2019t merely a mistake that can be corrected next time, it\u2019s proof that the person is horrible and that things won\u2019t change. <\/strong>&nbsp;These toxic thoughts are often reflections of the spouse\u2019s deepest emotional attitudes, and they are self-confirming and non-negotiable. Someone functioning in this way reads negative intent into every action their partner takes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>For example, husbands who physically abuse their wives interpret even their wives\u2019 most neutral actions as hostile, and use this misinterpretation to justify their violence.<\/li><\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Marital success isn\u2019t determined by how often a couple sleeps together, or opinions on how to raise children, or how each person handles finances&#8211;it\u2019s determined by the skill with which a couple discusses disagreements in those categories. Agreeing on how to disagree is the key to a successful marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":141,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12],"tags":[10],"class_list":["post-223","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-emotional-intelligence","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Contempt in Marriage: Are You Getting a Divorce? - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What is contempt in marriage? How does it show in arguments? 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