{"id":20618,"date":"2020-12-19T09:33:47","date_gmt":"2020-12-19T13:33:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=20618"},"modified":"2020-12-19T17:40:38","modified_gmt":"2020-12-19T21:40:38","slug":"envious-people","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/envious-people\/","title":{"rendered":"Envious People Are Everywhere\u2014You Might Be One"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Are there a lot of envious people out there? How do we know when people are envious, and what should we do about it? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most people feel some sort of envy of others, even if they don’t acknowledge it\u2014including you. Learning about envious people and where envy comes from can help you be less envious, and navigate situations where people are envious of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read more about envious people below.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Envious People Mask Their Envy<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In the previous law, we looked at some of the idiosyncratic traits and feelings people hide. Now, we\u2019ll look at an emotion everyone <\/em>hides\u2014envy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No one wants to consciously acknowledge envy of others because it would necessitate feelings of inferiority\u2014to want something someone else has, we have to admit that the other person has it, which makes them superior.<\/strong> As a result, envy is rarely expressed as envy, even to ourselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, if you\u2019re angry at someone, you might hide it from them, but inside, you know you\u2019re angry.<\/strong> If you lose control and your anger leaks out, the other person will be able to recognize the emotion as anger, and often, they\u2019ll be able to figure what caused your anger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re envious of someone, on the other hand, you\u2019ll transform this feeling into something else.<\/strong> Often, you\u2019ll decide that the person has whatever you don\u2019t because she\u2019s lucky, ambitious, or underhanded\u2014she doesn\u2019t actually deserve it. Then, you can feel anger or resentment at the unfairness. Because your envy is buried under layers of other emotions, other people can\u2019t usually tell that what you\u2019re actually feeling is envy, and they see only anger or resentment, which is confusing and therefore more painful. Envious people often use this tactic. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Melanie Klein, a psychoanalyst, some people are predisposed to envy. It starts right from infancy\u2014they resent their mothers whenever they leave, and they\u2019re hostile to their fathers or siblings for taking their mothers\u2019 attention.<\/strong> Unlike most of us, who experience envy when others get attention<\/a> but also gratefulness when we<\/em> get attention, enviers can\u2019t see past what they\u2019re not getting. They\u2019re never satisfied, and they\u2019ll feel this way their whole lives. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are two types of envy<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Passive envy <\/strong>is the everyday envy we feel whenever we encounter someone superior to us. Sometimes, passive envy drives us to do something to release the tension\u2014for example, make a mean joke\u2014but there\u2019s no long-term harm. This kind of envy is a fact of life, so all there is to be done is put up with it.<\/li>
  2. Active envy <\/strong>is a much stronger, maintained form of envy. The feeling can\u2019t be vented in a quick release like a joke. This envy, because it\u2019s so uncomfortable to feel, often transforms into righteous indignation, which can motivate us to harm the person we\u2019re indignant or envious of. Actively envious people enjoy the pain of whomever they envy.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    It\u2019s important to study this law for two reasons:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    1. Realize that some of the confusing attacks in your past stemmed from envy. Once you understand people\u2019s real motivations, it\u2019s easier to get over painful breaks in relationships.<\/li>
    2. Predict envy attacks so that you can avoid them.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

      In this law, we\u2019ll learn how to manage toxic types of envious people and to control our own nature. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Manage Toxic Types: Warnings, Triggers, and Enviers<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

      When people\u2019s envy is triggered, they display nonverbal cues<\/a> and give themselves away through their actions. Everyone shows these signs occasionally as part of passive envy, but if you see a pattern or combinations of signs, you might be dealing with active envy and envious people. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Cue #1: Microexpressions on first meetings.<\/strong> When people initially meet you and feel envy of others, they haven\u2019t had time to go through the mental gymnastics of transforming envy into something else, so you\u2019re most likely to pick up on it in these early encounters. An envious microexpression involves the eyes drilling into you with disdain, the nose sneering, the chin jutting out, and the mouth turned down. Usually, the person tries to hide the expression with a fake smile after the fact. If someone envies you, you can sometimes provoke this microexpression by telling them about some good or bad news you\u2019ve just received. They\u2019ll look disappointed by the good news and joyful at the bad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Cue #2: Paradoxical praise, <\/strong>which is a compliment that\u2019s also a put-down and feels hostile. There are three versions:<\/p>\n\n\n\n