{"id":19000,"date":"2025-12-12T09:51:43","date_gmt":"2025-12-12T13:51:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=19000"},"modified":"2026-01-23T15:00:03","modified_gmt":"2026-01-23T19:00:03","slug":"how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Win Friends and Influence People: The Basics"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Struggling to connect with people or get them to see your perspective? Dale Carnegie&#8217;s <em>How to Win Friends and Influence People<\/em> offers timeless principles for building genuine relationships and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-influence-others\/\">influencing others<\/a> through appreciation, empathy, and understanding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Published in 1937, Carnegie&#8217;s classic teaches you to become a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-good-conversationalist\/\">better conversationalist<\/a>, make people feel valued, and change minds without causing offense. The book&#8217;s core approach centers on sincere appreciation, talking in terms of others&#8217; interests, and avoiding criticism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<p>(<em>Editor\u2019s note: This article is part of&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/hub\/personal-life\/relationships\/friendship-guide\/\">Shortform\u2019s guide to friendships<\/a>. If you like what you read here, there\u2019s plenty more to check out in the guide!<\/em>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Originally Published: November 17, 2020<\/em><br><em>Last Updated: December 12, 2025<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people\"><em>How to Win Friends and Influence People<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Have you ever struggled to get someone to like you or listen to you? You may be going about it the wrong way. In <em>How to Win Friends and Influence People<\/em>, Dale Carnegie explains universal principles of interacting with other people to get them to like you and have them see your way of thinking. This isn\u2019t about manipulation\u2014it\u2019s about sincerely <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-appreciate-people\/\">appreciating people<\/a>, believing they\u2019re important, and treating them likewise. Using Carnegie\u2019s advice, you can learn how to become a great conversationalist without saying anything, how to make other people feel important, and how to change other people\u2019s minds without offending them.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Carnegie (1888-1955) was an American writer and educator on topics such as self-improvement, public speaking, corporate training, and social skills. His work led to the creation of the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.dalecarnegie.com\/en\/courses\/190\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Dale Carnegie Course<\/a> in 1912, a program that teaches leadership, relationship building, stress management, and more. <em>How to Win Friends and Influence People<\/em>, originally published in 1937 and revised in 1981, is one of the best-selling books of all time. Carnegie\u2019s other works include <em>Lincoln the Unknown<\/em>, <em>Little Known Facts About Well Known People<\/em>, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/how-to-stop-worrying-and-start-living\/1-page-summary\" rel=\"nofollow\"><em>How to Stop Worrying and Start Living<\/em><\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Principles of Likability and Influence<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Carnegie outlines two essential principles that underlie his advice. Namely, he emphasizes people\u2019s desire for importance and their investment in their own interests over yours. Using these two principles to guide your actions can help you increase your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/likeability-charisma-charm-influence\/\">likability<\/a> and influence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>People Want to Feel Important<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Carnegie\u2019s first principle is that people want to feel important. <strong>This desire drives much of human behavior.<\/strong> By appealing to this desire, you can influence how others feel about you\u2014if you make them feel important, they\u2019ll think well of you; if you diminish their sense of importance, they\u2019ll dislike you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>People Are Mostly Interested in Themselves<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Carnegie, the second key aspect of likability and influence is that virtually all <strong>people care more about what they want than what you want.<\/strong> This means you should appeal to their interests rather than focusing on your own. As you interact with others, keep asking yourself: \u201cWhat is it that this person wants?\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>How to Put the Principles Into Practice<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Now that we know the two principles behind getting people to like you and being able to influence them, let\u2019s discuss how to apply these ideas to different situations. First, we\u2019ll provide tips for <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/making-people-like-you\/\">making people like you<\/a> more, then we\u2019ll illustrate how you can give feedback they\u2019ll be receptive to, and finally we\u2019ll explain <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-disagree-crucial-conversations\/\">how to disagree<\/a> or argue with others without harming your relationships.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>How to Win People Over<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Carnegie provides several pieces of advice for how to earn the favor of others. First, he says, <strong>demonstrate understanding toward their emotions.<\/strong> For example, angry people are often angry because they feel unheard. Once you sympathize with them, they\u2019ll soften their anger substantially.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Present Yourself Amiably<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>Carnegie also advises that you <strong>adopt a positive demeanor when approaching people.<\/strong> If you want others to enjoy meeting you, you must make it clear that you enjoy meeting <em>them<\/em>. So smile and show that you\u2019re happy to see them. This will convey that you mean well and instantly endear you to others.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Establish a Connection<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>Carnegie says it\u2019s important to <strong>behave in ways that will form and reinforce a personal <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/hub\/personal-life\/relationships\/how-to-connect-with-people\/\">connection with the other person<\/a>.<\/strong> Be sure to use people\u2019s names frequently when you\u2019re interacting with them. No other word is more significant to a person than their name\u2014remember it, pronounce it correctly, use it often, and respect it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Finally, Carnegie says to listen well. Try to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-get-people-to-open-up-to-you\/\">get others to open up<\/a>, and <strong>give them your undivided attention<\/strong>\u2014this will make them feel important. Ask questions that they\u2019ll appreciate and want to answer. They\u2019ll leave your conversation feeling like you\u2019re a wonderful person to have a conversation with, even if you\u2019ve barely said anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>How to Give Feedback<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>There are times when you\u2019ll need to give other people feedback. For example, you may have an employee whose work performance needs improvement, a friend who keeps inadvertently hurting your feelings, or a child who\u2019s misbehaving at school. However, giving people feedback can be tricky because it can threaten their sense of importance, discourage them, or make them like you less. Carnegie gives advice on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/providing-feedback\/\">how to provide feedback<\/a> to others in a constructive and productive way that makes them more receptive to what you have to say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Be Generous<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>Carnegie recommends that you <strong>approach the other person with generosity to make them more open to your feedback.<\/strong> This includes being positive and giving praise so that the other person doesn\u2019t feel defensive and is instead more open to your feedback. In practical terms, this means beginning by highlighting specific things they did well. Then, spotlight the point of improvement without making it an attack or presenting it as a failure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Additionally, Carnegie advises that you let the other person know that you have high expectations of them because of their past performance, experience, or skills. <strong>Treat them as if the quality you\u2019re encouraging is already something they do exceptionally well.<\/strong> This will compel them to live up to your high expectations to keep from disappointing you. For example, if you have an employee whose work has been lackluster lately, try saying, \u201cYou\u2019ve always been a hard worker, and I believe you\u2019ll continue showing this in the next month.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Soften the Blow<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>Carnegie also provides tactics for making feedback easier for others to accept. For starters, when approaching someone about a mistake they\u2019ve made, <strong>be open about similar mistakes you\u2019ve made.<\/strong> This communicates that you know how difficult the task can be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Also, when communicating what the other person should do with your feedback, <strong>ask questions instead of giving commands<\/strong>. Asking for their input makes them feel important and that they have a personal stake. Say things like \u201cWhat do you think about this?\u201d \u201cDo you think that would work?\u201d \u201cDo you have any suggestions on how to improve things?\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Make It Sound Easy and Desirable<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>Carnegie also recommends that you <strong>act like the improvement you\u2019re requesting is an easy endeavor.<\/strong> Make it clear that it\u2019s not a matter of ability or talent, and as mentioned earlier, communicate that you\u2019re confident they can do it. At the same time, exult in every small success to keep their spirits up. Say things like, \u201cYou already have the underlying skills, you just need a bit of practice.\u201d Additionally, connect the improvement to something else they\u2019ve already done, such as by saying, \u201cIf you can do this task, then you\u2019re more than equipped to do this next one.\u201d This will make the task feel less daunting and the other person more willing to try.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Finally, <strong>communicate the improvement in terms of the person\u2019s own interests.<\/strong> As earlier discussed, people are mostly interested in themselves, so let them know how they could benefit from applying your feedback. Target what they care about (such as doing better work, getting off work earlier, making more money, or ascending in their career) and provide incentives that match those desires.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>How to Approach Arguments<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Getting others to like you and giving them feedback without harming their sense of importance will get you far in life. However, sometimes you\u2019ll run into conflicts with others that can\u2019t be resolved without having a discussion or an argument. If done poorly, these disagreements can interfere with your relationships or what you and others need to accomplish. Carnegie provides some techniques for how you can approach disagreements without undoing your efforts to win people over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Listen<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>First and foremost, Carnegie advises you to listen well. <strong>Let the other person fully express their point of view.<\/strong> Do <em>not<\/em> interrupt as they\u2019re speaking, and don\u2019t argue. This is not only a way to earn their favor, as mentioned earlier, but it also helps you connect with the other person in a disagreement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Additionally, Carnegie emphasizes that you should be gentle in how you present your argument to the other person. If you attack them or their perspective, you\u2019ll insult their sense of importance, and they won\u2019t want to listen to you. Instead, keep the discussion relaxed and casual. <strong>Don\u2019t lose your temper. <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/hub\/personal-life\/relationships\/personal\/how-to-stay-calm-in-an-argument\/\">Staying calm<\/a> and collected reflects well on your character, whereas losing control makes you seem petty and small.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Next, <em>ask questions<\/em>. Carnegie says that if you enter an argument by pointing out what others are doing wrong, or simply asserting <em>that <\/em>they are wrong, you\u2019ll harm their sense of importance and make them less receptive to your point of view. Instead, <strong>get people\u2019s input on what problems you\u2019re facing and what solutions they\u2019d recommend.<\/strong> Just like asking questions when giving feedback, this makes the other person feel important. It also allows them to reason through the issue on their own without you imposing your point of view\u2014and they may just come around to your point of view without you having to argue at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Be Understanding<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>Carnegie recommends that you make an effort during the disagreement to understand the other person\u2019s argument and to express that understanding to them. To do this, empathize with the other person\u2019s perspective, and make a genuine effort to consider their view of the situation. Then<strong> express sympathy for their situation and their perspective<\/strong>. Acknowledge that their feelings and opinions are valid, and let them know you\u2019d feel the same way in their position.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Carnegie also advises that you <strong>avoid telling the other person they\u2019re wrong<\/strong>, and allow for the possibility that <em>you<\/em> could be wrong. Then explore the facts, and if it turns out that you <em>are<\/em> wrong, admit it quickly and graciously. Acknowledge that you made a mistake and make it clear that you want to make it right. Carnegie says this will disarm the other person and preemptively assuage any hostility they may feel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Additionally, says Carnegie, try to find things you agree on so you can establish a connection with the other person. <strong>Talk about common goals, and appeal to values like honesty and fairness.<\/strong> For example, if you\u2019re having a disagreement with your roommate about keeping your shared living space clean, highlight some things you both agree are undesirable\u2014such as pests, clutter, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/food-disgust-sensitivity-test\/\">expired food<\/a> in the fridge. Emphasize that you know they want a fair division of housework, and that you want to share the responsibility equally so you can both enjoy the things you\u2019ve agreed you want\u2014a pest-free home, room to do activities, and a clean fridge.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Finally, <strong>express gratitude to the other person for disagreeing with you.<\/strong> Carnegie says that by devoting time to engage with you, they\u2019ve shown that they care about the same things you do. Consider them allies who are trying to aid you rather than enemies trying to harm you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Struggling to connect with people or get them to see your perspective? Dale Carnegie&#8217;s How to Win Friends and Influence People offers timeless principles for building genuine relationships and influencing others through appreciation, empathy, and understanding. Published in 1937, Carnegie&#8217;s classic teaches you to become a better conversationalist, make people feel valued, and change minds without causing offense. The book&#8217;s core approach centers on sincere appreciation, talking in terms of others&#8217; interests, and avoiding criticism.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":146815,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[40,34,9],"tags":[156],"class_list":["post-19000","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-books","category-communication","category-psychology","tag-how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Win Friends and Influence People: The Basics - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What is How to Win Friends and Influence People about? 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Here&#039;s how.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2025-12-12T13:51:43+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2026-01-23T19:00:03+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/a-group-of-friends.webp\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1300\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"729\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/webp\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Hannah Aster\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Hannah Aster\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"9 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Hannah Aster\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/f39f52830e4f7039a16e45d12354542f\"},\"headline\":\"How to Win Friends and Influence People: The Basics\",\"datePublished\":\"2025-12-12T13:51:43+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2026-01-23T19:00:03+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people\/\"},\"wordCount\":1987,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/a-group-of-friends.webp\",\"keywords\":[\"How to Win Friends and Influence People\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Books\",\"Communication\",\"Psychology\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people\/\",\"name\":\"How to Win Friends and Influence People: The Basics - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/a-group-of-friends.webp\",\"datePublished\":\"2025-12-12T13:51:43+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2026-01-23T19:00:03+00:00\",\"description\":\"What is How to Win Friends and Influence People about? 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