{"id":146383,"date":"2025-10-22T09:35:00","date_gmt":"2025-10-22T13:35:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=146383"},"modified":"2026-04-24T14:19:33","modified_gmt":"2026-04-24T18:19:33","slug":"red-flags-green-flags","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/red-flags-green-flags\/","title":{"rendered":"Red Flags, Green Flags by Ali Fenwick: Overview & Dating Tips"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you often make snap judgments about people that leave you feeling disconnected<\/a> and alone? In our swipe-left culture, we’ve become experts at writing people off at the first sign of imperfection, but psychologist Ali Fenwick argues this approach is robbing us of meaningful connections.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fenwick’s “Red Flags, Green Flags” framework offers a refreshing alternative to our tendency toward instant dismissal. Rather than viewing red flags as automatic deal-breakers, his RED system encourages deeper examination of both our reactions and others’ behaviors. Meanwhile, his GREEN framework helps identify the genuine qualities that make relationships worth nurturing. Keep reading for an overview of the book and Fenwick’s system.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Overview of Red Flags, Green Flags<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Dating apps and the fast pace of modern society have made us much too eager to write people off at the first sign of imperfection. In Red Flags, Green Flags<\/em><\/a> (2024), psychologist Ali Fenwick argues that these snap judgments about people are often wrong and are robbing us of opportunities for deep, meaningful connections. To address this problem, he presents a framework that transforms warning signs (\u201cred flags\u201d) into opportunities for reflection, and positive traits (\u201cgreen flags\u201d) into catalysts for stronger relationships. This guide will help you cultivate the self-awareness and communication skills needed to build authentic, enduring connections\u2014both personal and professional\u2014in an increasingly disconnected world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fenwick<\/a> brings over two decades of study and practical experience with human behavior to this exploration of modern relationships. As Professor of Organizational Behaviour and Innovation at HULT International Business School<\/a> in Dubai, he\u2019s spent the past decade teaching current and future executives around the world how to apply psychological principles to both their jobs and their personal lives. Fenwick is also the founder and CEO of the Netherlands-based consulting firm LEAD TCM&L<\/a>\u2014The Center for Applied Behavioral Science & Technology.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our guide to Red Flags, Green Flags<\/a><\/em> by explaining what Fenwick means by red and green flags, and how his system can help you deal with unhealthy relationships and strengthen healthy ones. We\u2019ll then examine why self-awareness and personal growth are central to your ability to build healthy relationships<\/a>, and how you can cultivate those skills. We\u2019ll conclude by discussing some specific warning signs and positive traits in certain types of relationships: those you have with family and friends, your professional relationships, and your romantic relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u27a1 This book is on our list of the best books on marriage. <\/em>See the full list.<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The RED Flag, GREEN Flag System<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Fenwick starts by introducing his \u201cflag\u201d system and explaining why it helps you navigate your relationships. Note that this system isn\u2019t only meant for romantic partners: It\u2019s equally valid for your relationships with friends, colleagues, family members, and so on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In this section, we\u2019ll explain Fenwick\u2019s RED acronym and how to apply it in your daily life. We\u2019ll then do the same for GREEN. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

RED: How to Spot and Deal With Toxic Behaviors<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Fenwick created the acronym RED (Reflect, Engage, Decide) to describe a deliberate process you should use when you encounter what appears to be a troubling sign\u2014a \u201cred flag\u201d\u2014in someone else\u2019s behavior. This framework encourages you to pause your automatic reactions and deeply examine what\u2019s happening: why the person\u2019s behavior bothers you, whether the issue really stems from them or if you\u2019re projecting your past experiences, and how to handle the situation constructively.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

R: Reflect on Your Emotions<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The first step of Fenwick\u2019s process is to reflect<\/em>. It\u2019s hard to understand people\u2019s actions (including your own) while you\u2019re upset. Therefore, it\u2019s crucial to get away from the situation, calm down, and think deeply about what happened.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Specifically, consider whether the person\u2019s behavior warranted such a strong reaction\u2014and, if not, where your response came from. You\u2019ll often find that you were really reacting to some unresolved issue or trauma from your past that the other person\u2019s actions dredged up. For example, someone raised in an abusive household will often have strongly negative reactions to people raising their voices, even if those people are excited rather than angry. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

E: Engage With the Other Person<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Once you understand why you had such a strong response to what happened, you\u2019re ready for the next step of Fenwick\u2019s process: Engage <\/em>with the other person and tell them what you discovered. If your reaction stemmed from your past experiences, be sure to acknowledge that. Conversely, if their actions really were disrespectful, callous, or otherwise hurtful, it\u2019s important to let them know. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you give this feedback, Fenwick advises you to observe whether the person handles it with genuine respect and empathy.<\/strong> If they\u2019re receptive to what you\u2019re saying\u2014even if they don\u2019t fully understand or agree with it\u2014the two of you can start a conversation<\/a> about how to avoid or deal with similar problems in the future. On the other hand, if they\u2019re not willing to listen, they\u2019ll probably be equally unwilling to change their behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

D: Decide What to Do Next<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The final part of the RED flag method is to decide <\/em>what to do. Fenwick strongly emphasizes that only you can judge what\u2019s right for your specific situation<\/strong>, but he does offer some guidelines.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If the other person takes what you said to heart and tries to avoid upsetting you in the future, it\u2019s likely that you\u2019ll decide you don\u2019t need to do anything else. However, if the hurtful behavior continues, the next step is to set boundaries<\/a>:<\/strong> Make it clear that you won\u2019t accept how they\u2019re treating you, and explain how you\u2019ll respond the next time it happens. For instance, if you\u2019ve told a coworker that you need to be left alone so you can concentrate, but they don\u2019t respect your wishes and keep interrupting your work, your response might be to raise the issue with your supervisor. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fenwick adds that, ultimately, you might have to decide whether a particular relationship is worth keeping. <\/strong>Again, only you can make this decision: You\u2019ll have to consider how important the relationship is to you, how much the person\u2019s actions harm your well-being, and what you\u2019d lose by ending the relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, if your boss keeps harassing you to work weekends when you\u2019ve already said you can\u2019t, perhaps it\u2019s time to look for a new job. Similarly, if you\u2019ve told a family member that their rude \u201cjokes\u201d are hurtful and they keep making such jokes, you\u2019ll have to decide whether to keep that person in your life or cut off contact with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

GREEN: How to Recognize a Healthy Relationship<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

The other flag in Fenwick\u2019s system is GREEN. Whereas RED was a process to go through when you encounter troubling or upsetting behaviors, GREEN is a mnemonic for the attributes of a healthy relationship: Genuine, Respectful, Empathetic, Elevating, and Nurturing. <\/strong>Note that each of these should be reciprocal, meaning that in a healthy relationship, you and the other person both demonstrate these positive behaviors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first aspect, <\/strong>genuine<\/em><\/strong>, means that the person\u2019s actions come from who they truly are,<\/strong> not from trying to impress you or get something from you. You can spot genuine behavior by watching to see if they act the same way in different situations\u2014for instance, are they as kind to cashiers as they are to you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Someone who\u2019s <\/strong>respectful <\/em><\/strong>values you for who you are<\/strong> (not just for what you can do for them), heeds your boundaries, and doesn\u2019t try to change you into someone else. Respect also means they treat you well even during fights and other stressful situations, never resorting to abuse or manipulation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An <\/strong>empathetic <\/em><\/strong>person understands your feelings and responds with care and thoughtfulness.<\/strong> For example, they really listen to you when you\u2019re upset and understand whether you\u2019re looking for a solution or if you just need to vent\u2014and if they aren\u2019t sure, they ask. Fenwick says empathy may be the single most important element of a healthy relationship, because it\u2019s impossible to treat each other well if you don\u2019t understand one another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Elevating<\/em> means a healthy relationship where people uplift and empower each other.<\/strong> In other words, a relationship that consistently makes you feel better, helps you overcome obstacles<\/a> and reach your goals<\/a>, or makes you want to improve yourself is one that\u2019s worth keeping.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, Fenwick points out that a good relationship <\/strong>nurtures <\/em><\/strong>all these positive qualities<\/strong>. This means the other person acknowledges and appreciates what you do for them, and you do the same. Nurturing the relationship in this way continually reinforces the good aspects of it, and makes problems easier to recognize and deal with as they arise. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Relationship Skills Require Self-Awareness<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve explained the basics of Fenwick\u2019s RED and GREEN system. However, Fenwick says that your ability to effectively use this system depends on your level of self-awareness and emotional well-being<\/a>. In this section, we\u2019ll discuss why that is and go over some of the specific skills Fenwick urges you to cultivate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Improve Yourself to Improve Your Relationships<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

According to Fenwick, your ability to recognize red and green flags in others is directly related to your level of self-awareness and personal growth.<\/strong> Developing emotional intelligence and self-reflection<\/a> skills will help you distinguish between when others\u2019 behavior is legitimately concerning, and when you\u2019re unfairly projecting your past experiences onto them. Furthermore, if you\u2019re committed to self-improvement, self-control, and healthy communication, you\u2019ll naturally attract others who share those values\u2014plus, you\u2019ll be able to recognize and deal with the ones who don\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the other hand, if you blame others for all of your relationship problems<\/a> and refuse to take responsibility for your own role in relationship dynamics, you\u2019ll keep having the same kinds of problems over and over again. Fenwick says that if you haven\u2019t addressed your own trauma, insecurities, or self-destructive patterns, you\u2019re likely to attract toxic partners<\/strong> who want to take advantage of those vulnerabilities. For example, someone might exploit their partner\u2019s fear of abandonment by threatening to leave whenever they don\u2019t get their way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Without self-awareness, you\u2019re also likely to misinterpret normal behaviors as red flags, because you\u2019ll be hyperaware of anything that reminds you of your past traumas. For example, someone standing too close to you might make you think they\u2019re trying to intimidate you, when perhaps they just didn\u2019t realize you were there. The opposite is also true: If you don\u2019t have a healthy sense of self-awareness, you might not recognize when someone is treating you badly or taking advantage of you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self-Improvement Begins With Self-Reflection<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Fenwick says personal growth starts with self-reflection. After all, you can\u2019t work on improving yourself<\/a> until you have a clear idea of what to improve and how to do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One way to practice self-reflection is to ponder difficult questions that force you to think deeply about yourself and your behavior.<\/strong> When you find yourself repeatedly drawn to problematic situations or people, ask yourself things like: \u201cDo I find this dysfunction exciting or familiar?\u201d or \u201cDo I see this person\u2019s red flags in myself, and is that why we were drawn to each other?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When answering such questions, don\u2019t just settle for the first answer that comes to mind. For instance, say you have a friend who often \u201cjokingly\u201d insults you\u2014think about whether you\u2019re really having lighthearted fun together, or if you\u2019re just enduring the insults in order to keep the peace. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fenwick also urges you to explore your personal deal-breakers in relationships and friendships.<\/strong> Consider both what <\/em>behaviors you find unacceptable and why <\/em>you have such strong feelings about them. This kind of honest self-examination helps you understand whether your reactions are reasonable, or if they\u2019re the result of unresolved issues from your past.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Apply RED and GREEN to Different Situations<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Now that you\u2019re familiar with Fenwick\u2019s RED and GREEN system and how building self-awareness<\/a> will let you use it more effectively, let\u2019s explore how you can apply this system in three of the most important relationship<\/a> types: those with friends and family, with coworkers, and with romantic partners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Relationship Type #1: Family and Friends<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

The first relationships Fenwick discusses are those with your family and close friends. We\u2019ll start by explaining some common warning signs that such a relationship might be toxic, then move on to describing what a healthy relationship with a family member or friend looks like. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Red Flags From Family and Friends<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

First of all, a major warning sign of an unhealthy relationship is when a family member or friend doesn\u2019t respect your autonomy.<\/strong> Fenwick says such people will try to interfere in your decisions and tell you what to do, even after you ask them to give you space. This includes parents who refuse to treat you like a competent adult, and anyone <\/em>who tries to coerce or trick you into doing what they think you should do instead of letting you reach your own conclusions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another common tactic in unhealthy relationships is emotional manipulation:<\/em> the person uses guilt trips, emotional blackmail, or phrases like \u201cyou owe me\u201d to control your behavior. Such actions turn your natural, healthy feelings of love and gratitude against you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, Fenwick says it should raise alarms when people engage in malicious gossip, spread hurtful rumors, or put people down rather than addressing problems with them directly. Beware of this kind of behavior even if it doesn\u2019t seem to be directed at you\u2014if your family or friends gossip about people who aren\u2019t around, they probably talk about <\/strong>you <\/em><\/strong>behind your back. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Green Flags From Family and Friends<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Along with his warning signs to watch out for in your relationships with family and friends, Fenwick provides some key signals that you have a healthy relationship<\/a> based on his GREEN framework. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For one thing, if you have a strong and healthy relationship with someone, you feel secure in having honest, <\/strong>genuine <\/em><\/strong>conversations<\/strong>. The two of you can discuss difficult topics frankly, because you trust each other not to be manipulative or (intentionally) hurtful, even during vulnerable moments. As a result, you can work together to resolve conflicts instead of fighting with one another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fenwick also puts a great deal of emphasis on the idea that healthy relationships involve a natural process of give-and-take<\/strong> where everyone contributes and receives support. This ties into the elevating <\/em>aspect of a good relationship: Each of you helps the other and accepts their help in return. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The balance of how much each person gives and takes will shift from day to day, but it should be fundamentally fair over time. For example, if your friend is sick, you might bring them food, keep them company, or help out with household chores. Ideally, they\u2019ll do the same for you on days when you\u2019re <\/em>not feeling well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Relationship Type #2: Professional Relationships<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

The next relationships that Fenwick discusses are professional relationships<\/em>. These can include colleagues, supervisors, or anyone else you regularly interact with at work. The hierarchy of a workplace often adds an extra layer of complexity to relationships, especially with those who have authority over you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As before, we\u2019ll start by discussing some common warning signs of a toxic workplace<\/a>, then move on to describing how a healthy workplace relationship should be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Red Flags in the Workplace<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Fenwick says that toxic relationships in the workplace<\/a> can be just as harmful to your well-being as toxic relationships with your friends and family. To help you recognize and navigate these issues, he provides some examples of common hurtful behaviors that you might come across. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

First of all, many toxic workplaces don\u2019t respect their employees\u2019 boundaries.<\/strong> This is essentially the same issue as with family and friends who don\u2019t respect your boundaries, but it manifests differently in a professional setting. Common red flags include managers who demand constant availability with no regard for your work-life balance<\/a>, and bosses who use manipulative language like \u201cwe\u2019re a family here\u201d to demand excessive loyalty and self-sacrifice. These flags signal that your workplace expects you to put the company\u2019s needs above your own. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Next, Fenwick says to watch out for jobs that manipulate their employees<\/strong> rather than treating them honestly and fairly. For example, one common practice is to frequently change goals and how they\u2019re tracked. This is often a way for bosses to avoid paying out bonuses or to punish employees they don\u2019t like, regardless of their actual job performance. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also, try to recognize when a company doesn\u2019t keep its promises, especially when it comes to job advancement. For instance, your supervisor or manager might constantly promise that you\u2019ll get promoted soon, then always have some excuse for why it didn\u2019t happen during the latest round of promotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, the author says micromanagers\u2014bosses who get overly involved in your work and insist you do everything their <\/em>way\u2014are a common sign of a toxic work environment<\/a>. Micromanagement<\/a> isn\u2019t just annoying, it\u2019s a sign that your supervisor doesn\u2019t trust you to work independently.<\/strong> Such people prioritize their own need for control over their workers\u2019 autonomy and well-being, which creates an environment where people can\u2019t thrive or grow to their full potential.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Green Flags in the Workplace<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

After discussing some common red flags that show up in professional settings, Fenwick shows how you might apply his GREEN framework to the workplace. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To start, Fenwick says that healthy workplace relationships begin with <\/strong>respect <\/em><\/strong>for employees and colleagues.<\/strong> This green flag is, in essence, the opposite of the red flags we discussed before: Your manager should honor your need for work-life balance, rather than demanding that you always be reachable to discuss problems or cover shifts. Similarly, your supervisor should respect you enough to trust that you can handle your own work and refrain from micromanaging you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a rule of thumb, a respectful work environment is one where leadership focuses on outcomes rather than processes. In other words, as long as you\u2019re meeting your goals, there\u2019s no reason to demand that you put in extra work or try to control how <\/em>you work. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Building on this foundation of mutual respect, the author says healthy workplace relationships flourish through transparency and reliability<\/strong>\u2014which really means that people are genuine <\/em>with each other. For example, company leadership should set goals for you that are clear and challenging, but achievable. There should also be clear documentation of any conversations and agreements between you and your supervisor. This ensures that everyone\u2019s clear about what they expect from each other, so your goals won\u2019t suddenly change and your boss can\u2019t go back on their promises. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fenwick concludes that this workplace culture<\/a> of authentic care and follow-through naturally elevates <\/em>employee performance by developing their skills while protecting their well-being from burnout, discouragement, and undue stress. High-performing employees, in turn, elevate the company\u2019s reputation and profits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Relationship Type #3: Romantic Relationships<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

The final type of relationship Fenwick covers is the romantic relationship. While strong feelings and hopes for the future can complicate these relationships, the warning signs and green flags\u2014as well as the author\u2019s system for handling them\u2014remain essentially the same. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Red Flags From Romantic Partners<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Healthy romantic relationships start with a foundation of mutual respect, trust, and connection. Therefore, Fenwick\u2019s warning signs all relate to behaviors that undermine those basic needs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first thing the author warns you to be careful of is a romantic partner who tries to manipulate or control you. If you feel the need to carefully watch everything you say or do, it\u2019s likely that you\u2019re in a relationship with an overly controlling person. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are numerous methods a controlling partner might use to keep you obedient. These may be overt behaviors like intimidation and abuse, but also include manipulative tactics such as extreme jealousy and \u201clove bombing,\u201d where they shower you with excessive affection and then withdraw it. Love bombing makes you want to go to great lengths to please your partner in the hopes that they\u2019ll start showing you that heightened level of love and passion again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fenwick says the second major warning sign of a toxic partner is that they betray your trust. This might simply mean they habitually lie to you, but there are any number of other ways for people to destroy the mutual trust that a healthy relationship needs. If your partner\u2019s behavior leads you to doubt whether they\u2019re generally honest and trustworthy, it may be time to reconsider your relationship.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A partner who cheats on you, or plays dating games like suddenly cutting off contact (ghosting) or giving you just enough attention to keep you interested (breadcrumbing) is showing that they put their own wants above basic respect and honesty. Such people might also refuse to clearly define your relationship in order to keep you confused and hanging on, or they use guilt trips and emotional tricks to avoid taking responsibility<\/a> when they make mistakes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, Fenwick says you should beware of people who struggle with genuine emotional connection.<\/strong> Such people will get into relationships just to meet their own needs, rather than because they actually love and value their romantic partners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are various reasons why people can\u2019t form real connections. For example, someone might be emotionally shut down from past trauma, they might value drama more than love, or they might get into relationships for unhealthy reasons like the fear of being alone. Regardless of the reasons for their behavior, if you feel like you\u2019re being taken advantage of, it\u2019s time to apply Fenwick\u2019s RED method.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Green Flags From Romantic Partners<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Fenwick\u2019s warning signs about romantic partners have to do with a lack of respect, trust, and connection, so green flags in a romantic relationship are the opposite: behaviors that support and strengthen those fundamental needs. These include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n