How can adults better connect with and mentor young people? The key lies in abandoning conventional approaches that assume young people are impulsive and incompetent, and instead adopting what psychologist David Yeager calls the “mentor mindset.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In his book 10 to 25<\/em>, Yeager argues that rather than viewing young people as neurobiologically incompetent, effective mentors recognize that teens and young adults are actually quite capable\u2014they’re just wired to prioritize social standing and peer respect over abstract future goals. This article explores Yeager’s research-backed approach to mentorship, examining why conventional authoritarian and permissive methods fall short, and providing practical strategies for connecting effort to purpose, teaching stress as positive, and helping young people develop a sense of belonging<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n Working with young people isn\u2019t always easy, but it\u2019s one of the most important jobs in the world. So why do we often struggle to connect with, motivate, and guide them to reach their highest potential? In 10 to 25<\/em><\/a>, published in 2024, David Yeager writes that conventional approaches to mentoring (teaching, parenting, coaching, and so on) rest on the assumption that young people are basically incompetent, impulsive, and unconcerned with the consequences of their actions.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n But this is wrong, Yeager says, and mentoring methods based on these assumptions fail both us and future generations. In reality, young people only appear<\/em> impulsive and careless because between the ages of 10 and 25, their brains are wired to care more about social standing and the respect of their peers than schoolwork or abstract future goals. So, to become better mentors, we must <\/strong>harness<\/em><\/strong> young people\u2019s natural social motivations rather than treating them as obstacles to overcome.<\/strong> By giving them gracious guidance while also expecting a lot from them, mentors can help young people reach their potential and contribute to the betterment of society. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Yeager is a professor of psychology who teaches at the University of Texas at Austin. He studies young people\u2019s cognitive and social development, with an emphasis on interventions that have positive, long-lasting impacts. He wrote 10 to 25<\/em> to share his research and experience. In this guide, we\u2019ll explore the book\u2019s ideas in three parts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n In our commentary, we\u2019ll explore related perspectives on mentorship and education from authors including Angela Duckworth (<\/em>Grit<\/em><\/a>) <\/em>and Robert Green (Mastery<\/em><\/a>). We\u2019ll also connect Yeager\u2019s ideas to other experts\u2019 research and to history, showing how they fit into larger discussions about raising young people well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To begin, we\u2019ll introduce what Yeager says is the main problem preventing parents, teachers, and others from becoming better mentors: the neurobiological-incompetence<\/em> model<\/em>. We\u2019ll define the model, explain why mentoring approaches based on it don\u2019t work, and discuss the key insights that can help us leave this model behind. <\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Yeager, conventional wisdom in Western culture says that young people are basically impulsive, bad at thinking for themselves, and unable to make good choices<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n This perspective rests on 20th-century scientific findings that the adolescent brain lacks a fully developed prefrontal cortex<\/a> (the part of the brain that governs decision-making<\/a>). Studies have also shown that the limbic system<\/a>, the brain\u2019s seat of emotion, is more active in young people than in adults. These findings have led to the idea that young people can\u2019t control themselves, so they need adults to tell them what to do. In other words, we assume that young people are neurobiologically incompetent<\/em>\u2014that their brains don\u2019t yet work as well as adults\u2019 do, so they can\u2019t behave properly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yeager identifies two main schools of thought based on the view that young people are basically incompetent: <\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Yeager, both approaches to mentorship fall short<\/strong>, but for different reasons. The authoritarian approach fails because it treats young people disrespectfully, which tends to cause rebellion, frustration, or other unproductive behaviors. Research on nagging illustrates this effect: When parents simply tell<\/em> their kids what to do, expecting obedience, it triggers hormone reactions in their children that make them upset with their parents and more likely to disobey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The permissive approach fails for the opposite reason\u2014it gives young people too much leeway, which teaches them that they<\/em> don\u2019t have to respect the teacher or mentor, and that they don\u2019t have to try to earn recognition. That is, too many unearned gold stars create kids who are a bit spoiled. Yeager saw this firsthand when he worked at an orphanage. Because the kids had been through a lot of hardship, he treated them leniently. But because of this, they learned to walk all over him, knowing he\u2019d clean up after their messes and wouldn\u2019t hold them accountable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So far, we\u2019ve seen how conventional mentoring approaches assume that young people are incompetent, impulsive, and in dire need of adult guidance. In this section, we\u2019ll look at how Yeager flips the script by explaining that young people are, in fact, quite capable\u2014they just have developmental needs and drives that conventional wisdom doesn\u2019t take into account. By addressing these needs, mentors can help them channel their natural drives productively.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yeager writes that young people aren\u2019t incompetent, they\u2019re just focused on\u2014and motivated by\u2014different things than we think<\/strong>. From ages 10 to 25, a young person\u2019s basic drives are socially oriented. What they want most is to <\/strong>find their place among their peers, explore their individuality and identity, and earn status and respect in their social environment. This is why, for instance, many teenagers seem not to care about school. Getting good grades has little to do with whether their friends like them or whether their crush thinks they\u2019re funny. At worst, caring about school can lose <\/em>them social status, because often their peers see it as uncool.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Yeager, striving to succeed socially is a natural part of a young person\u2019s development<\/strong>. This is because in our evolutionary past, social success could mean the difference between life and death (and therefore whether you passed your genes on). If you didn\u2019t belong securely to your group, you risked being left to fend for yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, young people are<\/em> capable and competent\u2014they just apply themselves to the things they care about, which usually aren\u2019t what adults want them to prioritize. Being socially motivated, they strive to fit in, form friendships, play the dating game, and pursue any skills or activities they see as having social rewards (like sports). By contrast, academic achievement and other abstract, long-term endeavors (like staying healthy) don\u2019t carry the same social allure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Acknowledging that young people are socially motivated clues us into a better way to view them. Namely, Yeager suggests that instead of believing they\u2019re incompetent problems we need to solve, we can view them as young but competent humans with developmentally valid wants and needs<\/strong>. In this view, they\u2019re capable individuals with agency, deserving of respect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When you choose to believe that young people are competent and capable, you assume what Yeager calls the mentor mindset<\/em>. This belief in their competence leads to two responses: Because you see them as capable, you believe they can meet high standards\u2014so you maintain strict expectations. But because you also see them as deserving human beings, you provide the support they need to reach those standards.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Yeager, operating with the mindset of a mentor means channeling young people\u2019s natural desires for respect and status into productive ends. You do this by treating them with genuine care\u2014listening to them, acknowledging their struggles, and making them feel heard\u2014while simultaneously expecting excellence from them. This combination tends to earn you their trust and respect, which opens the door to genuinely productive mentor-mentee relationships. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For instance, a math teacher using this approach would set the expectation that a struggling student would still meet the class requirements. But they\u2019d support that expectation by encouraging the student, giving them personalized guidance, and relating to them as a capable person who can rise to the challenge\u2014not as a problem to be managed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Much of Yeager\u2019s research on mentoring took place in academic settings, and he says that when mentors adopt a mentoring mindset, it has a number of important benefits for their students. Among these are:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Up to this point, we\u2019ve seen what kinds of mentoring approaches fail and what Yeager suggests doing instead. In this section, we\u2019ll dive into his practical recommendations. These include being transparent, using effective questions, and helping young people understand stress, purpose, and belonging.<\/p>\n\n\n\n First, Yeager explains that you need to be transparent about your intent to mentor a young person.<\/strong> Because mentors are older than mentees, there\u2019s a power disparity in the relationship, and too many adults condescend to young people. To prevent such miscommunication and build trust, say upfront to the young person you\u2019re working with that you believe in them and are only there to help them improve. This sends the message that you\u2019re an ally, not someone who sees them as a problem. You should repeat these intentions when things get tough, reminding your mentee that you\u2019re there to support them through any hardships they face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, a teacher might tell his students on the first day of class that he expects a lot of them, but that they can always come to his office for extra help. He\u2019d say that he knows they can succeed, even if it\u2019ll take hard work, and that he\u2019s there to catch them if they fall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Next, Yeager says that you should use a collaborative questioning process to help your mentees troubleshoot any issues they run into<\/strong>. By asking constructive questions, you get them to think for themselves about what they\u2019re learning, what they\u2019re struggling with, and how they might overcome their challenges. For instance, a teacher might ask a struggling student who comes for help what their biggest challenge is, what they\u2019ve already tried to solve that problem, and what they\u2019re thinking of trying next.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Yeager, this approach works because people don\u2019t just need information\u2014they need to go through the process of acquiring knowledge by working things out for themselves. By contrast, when you simply tell someone what to do, it doesn\u2019t help them build genuine understanding or teach them how to solve similar problems in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yeager also recommends that you teach your mentees to view stress as positive, rather than negative<\/strong>. Most people think stress is debilitating and try to avoid it. But in reality, stress is part of growth, because you can\u2019t learn without some struggle. By helping young people see that stress can be good for them, you encourage them to face up to challenges and develop their fortitude, rather than folding when things get tough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To help a mentee see stress in a new light, Yeager says it\u2019s important to listen first and validate their feelings about stress. This helps them feel seen and understood. Then ask questions to dig deeper, trying to understand what they\u2019re struggling with and why. Finally, give them your support\u2014whether that means helping them with a high school term paper or a graduate-level research project\u2014and along the way, point out that stress can lead to growth and achievement.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n For instance, if a young athlete<\/a> is stressed about a big game, her coach would first listen<\/em>, saying something like \u201cEveryone gets anxious under pressure. It\u2019s OK.<\/em>\u201d Then he\u2019d question<\/em>: \u201cIs there anything specific you\u2019re stressed about?\u201d Last, he\u2019d support<\/em>\u2014pointing out that the athlete\u2019s stress about playing at her best is a chance to see what she\u2019s really made of, and that he\u2019s there to support her through it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Next comes purpose. Young people need a reason to care about growth and effort<\/strong>, Yeager says, because it\u2019s hard and stressful to strive to become more. They need to know why they should bother, and typical motivation strategies<\/a> fail at clarifying this \u201cwhy.\u201d On one hand, we try to coax them with short-term rewards that are superficially aligned with their interests (like soccer-themed math problems). On the other hand, we present them with long-term rewards<\/a> that are too abstract (like telling a seventh grader that studying for a test will help them get a good job later on). Neither of these works because they don\u2019t have real, concrete relevance to young people\u2019s social motivations and interests.<\/p>\n\n\n\nOverview of 10 to 25<\/em><\/strong>: The Science of Motivating Young People<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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What We Misunderstand About Young People<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
The Neurobiological Incompetence Model<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Incompetence-Based Mentoring Approaches<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Better Mentorship Starts With Better Understanding<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Young People Have Social Developmental Drives<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Mentor Young People With Respect to Their Social Drives<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Mentor Mindset Benefits in School<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Putting the Mentor Mindset to Work<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Be Transparent<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Ask Constructive Questions<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Teach That Stress Is Positive<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Connect Effort to Purpose<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n