What do ancient Hindu scriptures have to say about love? Why should you learn how to be single before you start dating?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In Jay Shetty’s book 8 Rules of Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go, <\/em>he explains how to navigate being in a relationship, drawing from his experience as a Hindu monk. He provides perspectives on love from ancient Hindu scriptures, then explains how to apply them to your life and your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Continue reading for an overview of Shetty’s book, complete with insights and exercises.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n Love isn\u2019t easy. It requires constant attention and dedication to grow and thrive into a long-lasting, successful relationship<\/a>. In 8 Rules of Love<\/em>: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go<\/em><\/a> (2023), Jay Shetty explains how to navigate this process, drawing from his experience as a Hindu monk. He provides perspectives on love from ancient Hindu scriptures, then explains how to apply them to your life and your relationship. Above all, he describes love as a journey of self-discovery<\/a>, self-improvement, and mutual support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty spent three years living as a monk<\/a> in India and the UK before becoming a motivational speaker and entrepreneur. He\u2019s also a relationship advisor for dating app Match<\/a>, the author of Think Like a Monk<\/em><\/a>, and the host of On Purpose<\/em><\/a>, a podcast exploring personal growth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In our guide to 8 Rules of Love<\/em>, we\u2019ll walk you through Shetty\u2019s rules for relationships and their corresponding ashrams\u2014lessons or classes in Hinduism that correspond to various stages of life<\/a>. We do this in four parts: <\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty\u2019s first two rules derive from the Brahmacharya<\/a> ashram, which focuses on self-discovery, growth, and abstaining from love. He describes how, during this part of his training to become a Hindu monk, he had to spend a great deal of time alone, meditating in silence. This helped him become more comfortable with solitude and better able to sit with his thoughts for longer periods. As a result, he learned a lot about himself\u2014his identity, values, and desires. With time, he learned to appreciate his own presence, establishing a foundation of self-love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Based on this experience, Shetty argues that you must love <\/strong>yourself<\/em><\/strong> before you can find a long-lasting, loving relationship<\/strong>. So, he says, you must learn how to be single. <\/strong>In this section, we\u2019ll cover his two rules for doing so, why they\u2019re important, and how to follow them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty\u2019s first rule of love is to enjoy being alone. He explains that learning to enjoy your own company is crucial for self-love<\/strong>, which builds the confidence and self-esteem<\/a> necessary to find a romantic partner and feel secure in your relationship. You won\u2019t enter or stay in relationships out of fear of loneliness; instead, you\u2019ll choose partners who genuinely align with your values and support your growth. On the other hand, if you\u2019re afraid of being alone, you\u2019re more likely to settle for emotionally unfulfilling partners. Or, you might lose yourself in your relationships, prioritizing your partner\u2019s needs over your own to avoid being abandoned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty suggests that you grow more comfortable with being alone through practice. Start by doing one solo activity every week for a month.<\/strong> These activities should be things that you\u2019ve rarely or never done alone before, like going to a movie, attending a lecture, or even celebrating your birthday. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Write down how you feel about these experiences<\/strong>: Do they feel different than when you do them with someone else? How? What do you like or dislike about doing them by yourself? This helps you learn more about your relationship with solitude and where your thoughts go when you\u2019re alone. You can then use this knowledge to target ways you\u2019d like to grow as a person. For example, you might find that when you go to dinner by yourself, you feel more peaceful and present\u2014but you\u2019re also worried that people are judging you. This shows you how your self-worth is tied up in others\u2019 opinions, so you can prioritize separating the two.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty\u2019s second rule is to figure out what you\u2019re looking for in a partner and why<\/strong>. He explains that the better you understand this, the easier it is to find partners you\u2019re genuinely compatible with. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Most people aren\u2019t <\/em>aware of their romantic desires because they\u2019re subconscious, shaped by early experiences of love that haven\u2019t been examined closely enough. These experiences include your relationships with your parents, your first romances, and so on. Your early relationships gave you a mental model of what love looks like and how it works<\/strong>, and you interpret all your future relationships through this model in one of two ways:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty says each of these paths leads you to form unhealthy romantic desires.<\/strong> If you try to emulate your model of love, you choose partners with the same toxic traits your parents and previous partners had. Or, if the model was healthy, you readily dismiss potential partners who don\u2019t fit it, even if the love they offer is perfectly valid. For example, say that one way your parents showed love was by showering you with gifts. Because you want the same from your partner, you might overlook someone who expresses love differently or can\u2019t afford to buy gifts\u2014and consequently, you miss out on what could have been a fulfilling relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Likewise, trying to \u201cfix\u201d your model of love seems logical since it means choosing partners who express healthier versions of love than your parents and previous partners did. But Shetty argues that this backfires because it places the burden of your emotional healing on your partner\u2014a responsibility they can never fully live up to. And when your partner inevitably falls short, you resent them for it, which harms your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty says both of these paths\u2014emulating or \u201cfixing\u201d your model of love\u2014lead to failed relationships<\/strong>, but you can break this cycle by examining your desires more closely and learning to meet your own needs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty argues that understanding your desires helps you stop repeating past relationship mistakes. <\/strong>He describes this as karma<\/a> <\/em>in action. In Hinduism, karma refers to the natural process of cause and effect, where good actions lead to good outcomes and bad actions lead to bad outcomes. Many people find themselves trapped in a karmic cycle, where they repeat bad actions multiple times until they finally learn from them and change their behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In relationships, this cycle looks like continually choosing partners you\u2019re incompatible with. Shetty says you can\u2019t disrupt this pattern until you understand <\/strong>why <\/em><\/strong>you keep choosing these partners<\/strong>\u2014which desires you\u2019re hoping they\u2019ll fulfill and how those desires influence your behavior. Once you understand this, you can use it to guide how you approach relationships in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, say your ex-partners smothered you with attention. Part of you was flattered, but you also felt overwhelmed. Their behavior became controlling, which you accepted until you realized it was draining your sense of independence<\/a> and self-worth. Now that you\u2019re single and examining your past relationships, you realize that the attention felt good because you didn\u2019t get enough of it as a child\u2014but at the same time, you craved more space. When you\u2019re ready to start dating again, you can look for a partner who offers consistent, respectful support without trying to dominate your time or choices. In this way, you break the karmic cycle<\/a> that\u2019s governed your love life so far.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, how do you learn more about what you desire and why? Shetty provides an exercise to help you do this: Think about a difficult period during your childhood and how your parents responded to it.<\/strong> Reflect on how they did or didn\u2019t help you, as well as what you liked about their approach and what you wish they\u2019d done differently. This provides an example of how your parents showed love, which you can compare to the way you experience love now. Do you seek out partners who show love similarly, or partners who give you what you never got from your parents? When and how does this lead you to make unhealthy choices?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty recommends doing this work while you\u2019re single<\/strong>\u2014that way, you have the space to reflect honestly without the emotional intensity or pressure of a relationship clouding your judgment. You\u2019ll build a stronger sense of identity and self-worth, which will help you enter your next relationship with greater clarity, confidence, and emotional resilience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty says learning about your romantic desires helps you choose partners you\u2019re truly compatible with, but this is only half of the equation. You must also learn how to satisfy your needs yourself. <\/strong>This prevents you from relying too heavily on your partner, which, as we\u2019ve discussed, leads to resentment. Shetty recommends taking time each day to identify and meet your needs independently. For example, say you\u2019ve been feeling stressed at work and need to unwind. You might expect your partner to help you relax if that fits your model of love. Instead of relying on them, think of an activity you can do alone to relieve stress\u2014like going for a walk, practicing meditation<\/a>, or journaling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n After you get comfortable with being single, Shetty says you can carry the lessons you\u2019ve learned into a new relationship. To do this, you\u2019ll have to open up and share your love with a partner\u2014in other words, you\u2019ll have to learn to be responsible in love. <\/strong>To that end, his next three rules help you establish a relationship based on mutual respect and growth. They derive from the second ashram, Grhastha, which focuses on loving others for who they are while maintaining self-love. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty\u2019s third rule is to understand what love means to you every step of the way<\/strong>. During the start of a relationship, it\u2019s important to understand the depth of your feelings for your partner. This helps you know how serious things are getting and when, so you can make better decisions<\/a> around commitment. Knowing what love feels like also helps you communicate your feelings more clearly\u2014otherwise, both partners can say \u201cI love you\u201d and mean completely different things. Love can also feel different depending on what stage your relationship is in\u2014whether you\u2019re just interested in, comfortable with, or deeply in love with your partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In the first stage, you feel a spark of chemistry between you and your partner. You\u2019re not just superficially attracted to them; you\u2019re interested in knowing them more deeply.<\/strong> So, you go on multiple dates to discover three things: what makes your partner unique (like their background and hobbies), what\u2019s important to them, and what they want their future to look like. This stage is full of excitement\u2014and anxiety, as you hope they feel the same way about you. However, Shetty notes it\u2019s not stable\u2014what you learn about each other in this stage determines whether you\u2019re compatible enough to go on to the next stage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty explains that in stage two, you and your partner get used to each other<\/strong>. Spending time together becomes more consistent and routine, and you become part of each other\u2019s lives in a way that wasn\u2019t guaranteed in stage one. Some of the excitement of phase one remains, but it\u2019s more connected to the reality of life together. For example, you might start doing everyday activities together\u2014like watching shows at home or running errands\u2014to see whether your lifestyles are compatible. With time, this helps your level of comfort with the relationship grow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty recommends slowly increasing the time you spend together<\/strong> during this phase. If you move too fast or see each other too often, the exciting newness of your relationship can cause you to ignore red flags that prove you\u2019re not <\/em>compatible. For example, you might feel so enamored with your partner that you look past the fact that they want kids, and you don\u2019t\u2014assuming you can sort this out together later. <\/p>\n\n\n\n He also suggests using this stage to set boundaries<\/a><\/strong>\u2014the pace of your relationship, when you need alone time, and so on. This helps you stay comfortable and also lets you see if your partner respects them and, by extension, you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As you spend more time with your partner, conflicts inevitably crop up. In a successful relationship, Shetty says, you handle conflict effectively and deepen your love<\/strong>. In stage three, you learn that even though you have differences, you\u2019re well-suited for life together\u2014and, more importantly, that you can rely <\/em>on each other. You know your partner will show up for you, provide support, and work through disagreements rather than walk away. We\u2019ll explore Shetty\u2019s advice for navigating this stage of your relationship (specifically, the conflict it entails) in greater detail later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As you become more comfortable in your relationship, Shetty says, you\u2019ll learn lots about yourself and each other. So, his fourth rule of love is to use your wisdom to help each other grow<\/strong>. Shetty compares this aspect of romantic relationships to the relationship between a student and their guru in Hindu monk training. As spiritual mentors, gurus help students become wiser, more compassionate, and more self-aware. Our partners can help us do the same, and vice versa, using two methods.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty urges you to uplift <\/em><\/strong>your partner instead of trying to <\/strong>force <\/em><\/strong>them to grow<\/strong>. Forcing your partner to change to suit your needs or your vision of growth is likely to backfire for two reasons: First, when you assume your way is the right way and impose that on them, you lose their trust. Second, force often relies on shame. For example, you might criticize your partner relentlessly for their flaws, and instead of feeling motivated to change, they feel disrespected, which harms your relationship and <\/em>impedes their growth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In contrast, Shetty writes, uplifting your partner is effective because it builds trust, safety, and connection\u2014conditions that help real growth happen. You can uplift your partner by inspiring them to pursue their goals and offering support, compassion, and grace as they do so. For example, if your partner wants to become a better parent<\/a>, you might read and discuss parenting books together, gently offer feedback when they feel stuck<\/a>, and reassure them during setbacks to show that you believe in them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty explains that in your relationship, growth should be mutual\u2014sometimes you\u2019ll be the teacher, and sometimes you\u2019ll be the student. As the student, you must approach learning moments with a receptive mindset<\/strong>. This means accepting constructive feedback and new ideas without getting defensive. View these as a gift your partner offers to help you become a better version of yourself, and try earnestly to understand their point of view. For example, say your partner points out that you work too much, which causes you to neglect both your relationship and your self-care. Instead of immediately justifying your work habits<\/a>, pause to consider their feedback and how you could achieve a better work-life balance<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In addition to helping one another grow, you and your partner should each pursue your own greater purpose. <\/strong>This is Shetty\u2019s fifth rule of love. He compares your greater purpose to the Hindu concept of dharma<\/em>, which refers to your duty in life. This is something that you enjoy and excel at\u2014and by doing it, you contribute something of value to the world. For example, your greater purpose could be baking, researching cures to rare diseases, or helping people learn to read.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Your greater purpose should be your first priority (and your partner\u2019s should be theirs). Many people believe their relationships should come first in life, but this is a recipe for disaster<\/strong>\u2014if you both neglect your greater purpose, neither of you will feel fulfilled, and you\u2019ll start to blame each other for it. In contrast, if you each prioritize your purpose<\/a>, you\u2019ll bring more joy, creativity, and energy into the relationship, strengthening your connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Pursuing your greater purpose begins with discovering what it is.<\/strong> Shetty says this requires some trial and error. Try different activities and reflect on which ones energize and fulfill you. When you find the one that feels right, practice at it\u2014develop your skills, build consistency, and let your passion deepen through commitment. Then, decide where you want your purpose to take you and commit to seeing that path through to success, even if you hit bumps along the road. <\/p>\n\n\n\n All the while, share your journey with your partner and give them opportunities to support you<\/strong>. For example, if your purpose is baking, invite them to try your creations or pitch in at local markets where you sell baked goods. Shetty explains that this brings you closer together. In turn, your partner will share their <\/em>purpose with you, and you\u2019ll support them in the same ways you want to be supported\u2014by uplifting them rather than forcing them forward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Time can be a major hurdle as you and your partner pursue your respective purposes. Doing so takes time away <\/em>from your relationship and other responsibilities, which might leave one or both of you feeling neglected and overwhelmed. Shetty says you can deal with this by taking turns in the spotlight<\/strong>. When one partner is in a particularly demanding phase\u2014like opening a new business\u2014the other can temporarily take on more responsibility in the relationship or your household. Then, when your roles reverse, the same support is given in return. This approach helps ensure that both partners feel valued and supported over time, even if not always equally in the moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Any relationship will<\/em> progress to a point where you experience conflict. How you handle conflict determines whether your relationship succeeds<\/strong>\u2014if you resolve the problem, your relationship will strengthen and your love will deepen. If you can\u2019t, you\u2019ll likely break up. In this section, we\u2019ll discuss Shetty\u2019s rules for each of these scenarios. He explains that these rules are inspired by Hinduism\u2019s third ashram, Vanaprastha, which stresses reflection and healing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fights are inevitable and worthwhile\u2014if you\u2019re upset about something, bringing it up gives your partner a chance to understand you better and strengthen the relationship. At the same time, you need to fight <\/strong>well <\/em><\/strong>to prevent your arguments from escalating into hurtful battles<\/strong>. To argue well, <\/em>Shetty recommends following these steps:<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s easy to see your partner as your adversary when you disagree. However, Shetty argues it\u2019s more helpful to remember that you and your partner are on the same team\u2014you both want your relationship (and each other) to succeed. The real enemy is the problem you\u2019re facing together. <\/strong>To vanquish this enemy, you have to properly identify it\u2014and that requires setting aside your pride. Pride keeps your focus on proving your point, preventing you from seeing the deeper issue that\u2019s driving the conflict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once you\u2019ve identified the problem you\u2019re facing, you and your partner need a plan of attack. Shetty suggests that your plan should include three key tactics.<\/p>\n\n\n\n First, schedule your fight in advance.<\/strong> When you set a time to talk, you give yourselves space to cool down, gather your thoughts, and approach the conversation with intention rather than emotion. Shetty says this makes it less likely that the discussion will spiral out of control. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Second, speak clearly and respectfully. <\/strong>At the outset, you and your partner can explain what you\u2019re hoping to get out of the conversation. Usually, this is a solution to the problem, plus reassurance that you still love each other. Then, start sharing your feelings about the situation without assigning blame<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Finally, solve the problem\u2014find a solution that works for both of you and commit to it<\/strong>. Also, take accountability for your role in the conflict and change your behavior<\/a> if necessary\u2014otherwise, the problem will come up again in the future. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You can address some major issues in your relationship with a lot of hard work. Others can\u2019t be fixed. In those cases, Shetty says you\u2019re better off ending your relationship than devoting time and effort to something that\u2019s just going to hurt you more in the long run. Let\u2019s explore his advice on when to break up and how to do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty says you should <\/strong>always <\/em><\/strong>end abusive relationships.<\/strong> Abuse happens when your partner makes you feel unsafe\u2014you can\u2019t be yourself or make your own decisions without fear of punishment, manipulation, or physical harm. Ending an abusive relationship can be scary, as abusers often become more violent when they think you\u2019re going to leave, so Shetty recommends getting support from trusted others, including professional services for victims of domestic violence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty also recommends breaking up when you simply can\u2019t reconcile your differences. <\/strong>In these cases, continuing the relationship would require a major sacrifice that would leave one or both of you deeply unhappy. For example, say you want an open relationship while your partner wants you both to stay monogamous. To stay together, one of you would have to compromise your needs, which would lead to ongoing pain and resentment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n On the other hand, some sacrifices are <\/em>worth making. If you can accept your differences, overcome past hurts, and live in harmony, you may not need to break up. <\/strong>Shetty explains that infidelity can fall into this category. For some, it\u2019s a dealbreaker, but others can heal from it and strengthen their relationship. The way forward\u2014if there is one\u2014involves being honest with each other about what happened and mutually putting effort into rebuilding trust and intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Breakups always hurt, but Shetty says you can make them easier by practicing acceptance.<\/strong> If you\u2019re initiating the breakup, you\u2019ve already accepted that you can\u2019t overcome your differences\u2014explain this to your partner, and go your separate ways. Likewise, if your partner breaks up with you<\/em>, accept that the relationship is over instead of trying to change their mind. In either case, once the relationship is over, don\u2019t rush into a new one. Instead, get comfortable being single again through self-love (rule 1) and reflection (rule 2).<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty argues that romantic love is only one piece of the puzzle. Hinduism\u2019s fourth ashram, Sannyasa, focuses on universal <\/em>love. According to this belief, everyone is interdependent and deserving of love<\/strong>\u2014so you have a moral responsibility to give love freely and selflessly, not just to your partner, but to your family, community, and the world. Let\u2019s explore how to do this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty\u2019s eighth rule is to love universally. He explains that this starts with people you already know and like\u2014your partner, family, friends, coworkers, and so on. But universal love also requires loving three other groups: people you don\u2019t like (for example, your ex-partners and friends), people you don\u2019t know (especially those who are suffering), and other living beings (like animals and the earth). According to Shetty, universal love is necessary because it enriches your life.<\/strong> If you restrict your love life to romantic relationships, you miss out on the deeper fulfillment that comes from connecting with a broader circle of life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shetty suggests that the best ways to practice universal love are through <\/strong>connection <\/em><\/strong>and <\/strong>generosity<\/em><\/strong>.<\/strong> Connection shows that you care about people even if you don\u2019t know them well. For example, if you\u2019re waiting at a bus stop with a stranger, making casual conversation may brighten their day. Generosity, on the other hand, involves giving your time, energy, or resources to ease others\u2019 burdens. This could mean volunteering, donating to causes you believe in, or simply showing up for someone in need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Use Shetty\u2019s rules of love to clarify what you want from your current or future relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n8 Rules of Love <\/em>Book Overview<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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Part 1: How to Be Single<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Rule 1: Enjoy Being Alone <\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Practice Going Solo<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Rule 2: Understand Your Romantic Desires<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Why You Need to Examine Your Desires<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
How to Learn About Your Desires<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
How to Meet Your Own Needs<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Part 2: How to Be Responsible in Love<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Rule 3: Recognize Love<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Stage #1: Interest<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Stage #2: Comfort<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Stage #3: Deeper Love<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Rule 4: Help Each Other Grow<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Method #1: Uplift Your Partner<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Method #2: Be Receptive<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Rule 5: Pursue Your Greater Purpose<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How to Pursue Your Greater Purpose<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
How to Balance Both Your Purposes<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Part 3: How to Navigate Challenges<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Rule 6: Fight Well<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Step #1: Know Your Enemy<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Step #2: Refine Your Tactics<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Rule 7: Know When and How to Break Up<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
When to Break Up<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
How to Break Up<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Part 4: How to Foster Universal Love<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Rule 8: Love Universally<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Exercise: Reflect on Your Ideal Relationship<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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Exercise: Practice Self-Love<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n