Do you feel heard in your relationship? Do most conversations devolve into fights? Are you almost ready to give up?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When you\u2019re in a struggling romantic relationship, you may feel like it\u2019s impossible to fix. But clinical psychologist Sue Johnson says you don\u2019t need to give up yet. In Hold Me Tight, <\/em>she offers a roadmap for healing your relationship so you and your partner can communicate healthily, resolve conflicts, and grow close once again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Continue reading for an overview of Hold Me Tight, <\/em>including actionable advice for repairing your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n In Hold Me Tight<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>Johnson explains that the root of most relationship conflict<\/a> is emotional disconnection<\/em>: <\/strong>when partners don\u2019t feel safe sharing their emotions with each other. She argues that talking about this disconnection\u2014and the reasons you don\u2019t feel safe being vulnerable\u2014is the key to addressing your issues, reconnecting with your partner, and building a more emotionally healthy relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In our guide to Hold Me Tight<\/em><\/a>, we examine Johnson\u2019s approach to healing relationships in three parts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n In our commentary, we touch on alternative couples therapy methodologies and offer supplemental advice for having difficult conversations<\/a> with loved ones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u27a1 This book is on our list of the best books on marriage. <\/em>See the full list.<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n Johnson begins by explaining the core of her couples therapy method, known as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). The key to a successful relationship<\/a> is emotional security<\/strong>. In other words, in order for your relationship to thrive, you have to feel comfortable and safe communicating your emotions with one another. On the other hand, Johnson argues that a lack of emotional security is the primary cause of serious conflicts in relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Part 1 of our guide will explain the main components of emotional security, why relationships need it, and why a lack of emotional security leads to conflict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Johnson, there are three main standards a relationship must meet for partners to feel emotionally secure: openness, caring, and engagement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Johnson explains that a healthy relationship requires both partners to be open with one another about their thoughts and feelings<\/a><\/strong>. This creates emotional security: We naturally feel safer around people when we feel like we understand them and they understand us. Johnson explains that openness has to go both ways\u2014in addition to openly expressing your feelings<\/a>, you must be open to receiving<\/a> the feelings of your partner. This also requires each of you to be willing to work through your emotions, since you can\u2019t be open toward them if you\u2019re avoiding or denying them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Johnson\u2019s second standard of emotional security is that both partners have to show that they care about each other\u2019s feelings<\/strong>. Sharing your emotions with a partner who doesn\u2019t seem to care will just make you feel ignored or neglected. Demonstrating care can be as simple as noticing that your partner is anxious and gently rubbing their back\u2014showing you see their anxiety and want to offer them comfort. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The third standard Johnson provides is that partners must regularly and eagerly give each other special attention and affection<\/strong>. These moments remind your partner that you\u2019re there for them and committed to your relationship. Emotional distance and the absence of engagement can inspire partners to feel doubt, anxiety, and resentment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When partners don\u2019t meet these three healthy relationship standards, Johnson says they\u2019ll experience a lack of emotional security\u2014the primary cause of most serious relationship conflicts<\/strong>. She explains how this plays out: When people feel emotionally unsafe or isolated from their partner, they get scared and upset. Then, because they don\u2019t feel safe sharing those feelings, they respond with irrational and unproductive defense mechanisms (which we discuss in Part 2) that then lead to conflict. They also create a hostile environment where both partners feel even less <\/em>safe opening up, starting a negative feedback loop<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Johnson explains that the first step of repairing your emotional connection with your partner is stopping the feedback loop of conflict: Feeling unsafe leads to conflict, which leads to feeling even less safe, which leads to more conflict, and so on. This feedback loop is fueled by negative communication patterns<\/em><\/strong>\u2014defensive and unproductive ways of talking to one another<\/strong> that create tension and exacerbate emotional distance. <\/p>\n\n\n\n While every couple has moments of bad communication<\/a>, Johnson says that negative communication is the norm<\/em> in relationships lacking emotional safety\u2014and escaping this norm is the first part of repairing your relationship as a whole. In this section, we\u2019ll explore Johnson\u2019s three steps for addressing negative communication patterns: <\/p>\n\n\n\n Johnson states that first, you and your partner must articulate what your conflicts tend to look like<\/strong> and identify the harmful communication patterns you use. Having an awareness of your harmful tendencies, she says, will make it easier to spot them in the future and shut down the pattern early. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Johnson details three negative communication patterns partners commonly identify with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The first negative pattern involves one partner confronting another who then withdraws or shuts down.<\/strong> It plays out in the following way:<\/p>\n\n\n\n This pattern causes a breakdown in communication because neither partner feels like they\u2019re able to share their emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Johnson recommends that you and your partner identify a moment when you got stuck in a similar pattern. But, she urges, don\u2019t <\/em>get caught up in the specific details of your dispute. Instead, take a step back and consider the ways your conflicts fit the \u201cconfront and retreat\u201d pattern<\/strong> overall. Identify who usually confronts and who usually retreats, then try to empathize with the emotions that lead to both reactions\u2014wanting connection and feeling attacked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The second communication pattern Johnson says you may identify in your relationship is \u201cthe blame game\u201d: Partners enter a cycle of blaming and accusing each other of various perceived offenses<\/strong>. Johnson explains that people use blame as a way to regain control when they feel hurt and vulnerable. When Partner A blames B for an issue, Partner B feels vulnerable. To regain control, partner B criticizes A, making them<\/em> feel vulnerable\u2014and restarting the cycle. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This blame game<\/a> leads to a breakdown in communication\u2014if you feel that anything you say could expose you to a counter-attack, it will feel impossible to share your emotions and feel safe with one another. To stop this cycle, recognize that no one has to be the \u201cbad guy\u201d\u2014the real problem is the pattern itself.<\/strong> Reflect on a time when you got into a fight with your partner and focused more on \u201cwinning\u201d (or being in control) than on working through the issue. Acknowledge how that made you view your partner as an adversary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Johnson, the final pattern occurs when both partners in a relationship completely shut down emotionally<\/strong>. They feel that the love is gone and there\u2019s nothing left to fight for, so they each retreat into a state of emotional numbness and shut off all communication. This makes both partners feel unloveable, further contributing to the feelings of hopelessness that led them to disconnect in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To unpack your roles in this pattern, speak to your partner about the things they do that make you feel like you need to pull away\u2014and let them talk about the things you do that make them feel the same. Then, acknowledge what this distance has taken from your relationship and recommit to making it work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n After you and your partner identify your negative communication patterns and how you fit into them, Johnson advises that you each talk about the emotional vulnerabilities that tend to set these patterns off<\/strong>. Vulnerabilities usually stem from past experiences in important relationships<\/a> where one of your emotional needs was neglected or dismissed, making you feel sensitive about it in the present. When something your partner does hits on one of these areas of sensitivity or insecurity, you may strongly and automatically react with anger or withdrawal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, Maggie felt ignored by her parents as a child and developed a vulnerability around feeling unheard. So when she feels like her husband Joe isn\u2019t listening to her, she\u2019s likely to get particularly upset and start a fight with him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Johnson provides a series of steps you can take to pinpoint your vulnerabilities:<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1)<\/strong> Think back on a moment when something small your partner did prompted a sudden, strong negative reaction in you. For example, Maggie got angry and yelled at Joe when he forgot to take out the trash.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2) <\/strong>Note what you thought was going on in that moment, or what you thought your partner was doing. In this situation, Maggie thought Joe was ignoring her on purpose because he didn\u2019t care about her or what she wanted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3) <\/strong>Using your response to step two, see if you can identify the vulnerability your partner triggered with their behavior<\/strong>. For instance, Maggie\u2019s vulnerability around feeling ignored was triggered by Joe forgetting to do something she asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4) <\/strong>Once you have an idea of the vulnerability your partner touched on, think back to your past for a potential source of this vulnerability. Is there someone in your life who regularly made you feel that way? In Maggie\u2019s case, her parents regularly made her feel ignored.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once you and your partner have each discovered your vulnerabilities, Johnson suggests you tell each other about them<\/strong>. This is often a difficult process, as it involves sharing some deeply personal feelings. But Johnson emphasizes its benefits, pointing to three in particular:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once you have a clearer picture of the negative communication patterns you and your partner fall into and the vulnerabilities that often trigger them, Johnson suggests talking about a recurring conflict in your relationship<\/strong>\u2014something that you\u2019ve argued about multiple times. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This discussion requires you to use the tools you\u2019ve developed so far: You\u2019ll share your feelings and<\/em> recognize your role in these recurring issues rather than placing all the blame on your partner. By using this new approach\u2014working together<\/em> to resolve the problems\u2014you and your partner can start to rebuild your emotional safety and improve your connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Johnson outlines a four-part process for getting to the root of your conflict, recognizing how you both contribute to it, and coming to a resolution. <\/p>\n\n\n\n 1)<\/strong> Each partner acknowledges the role they played in the conflict<\/strong>. For example, Tyler recognizes that he started nitpicking Frank about how he was washing dishes. Frank acknowledges that he got defensive and, by telling Tyler to calm down, he brushed Tyler\u2019s concerns aside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2)<\/strong> Once you\u2019ve discussed the behavior on both sides, explain how you felt during the conflict<\/strong>. For instance, Tyler says he felt underappreciated because he\u2019d expressed before why washing dishes a certain way is important to him\u2014so by ignoring his advice, Frank made it seem like he didn\u2019t care about what matters to Tyler. Frank shares that he also<\/em> felt underappreciated because he was trying to help, and it seemed like it wasn\u2019t good enough for Tyler.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3)<\/strong> Acknowledge how your actions affected your partner emotionally.<\/strong> In our example, Tyler admits that approaching Frank with a critical, irritated tone when he was doing a chore might make him feel defensive and underappreciated. In turn, Frank acknowledges that by brushing off Tyler\u2019s concerns, he sent the message that he doesn\u2019t care how Tyler feels about it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n 4) <\/strong>Once you\u2019ve finished talking through the conflict, reflect on how it feels to work together with your partner on these issues<\/strong>. Find some way to reconnect and restate your commitment to them\u2014even if it\u2019s something as simple as showing appreciation for the conversation you\u2019ve just had. For example, Tyler and Frank agree to do their best to be considerate<\/a> of each other\u2019s preferences when doing chores. And, because each person knows their partner is trying their best, they\u2019ll refrain from criticizing tasks done the \u201cwrong\u201d way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If you recognize that you\u2019re returning to a negative communication pattern during this process, pause the conversation instead of getting caught up in the back-and-forth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In addition to stopping the ongoing damage to your emotional security, learning to avoid and resolve conflicts equips you and your partner to have deeper, more vulnerable conversations about your relationship. Johnson explains that in these conversations, you\u2019ll be able to heal the damage you\u2019ve done in the past and grow close to one another again.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n In Part 3, we\u2019ll cover two methods Johnson provides for healing your relationship: sharing your fears and needs, and working through your emotional wounds.<\/p>\n\n\n\nHold Me Tight<\/em> Book Overview<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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Part 1: The Key to a Healthy Relationship<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Elements of Emotional Security<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Standard #1: Openness<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Standard #2: Demonstrations of Care<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Standard #3: Emotional Engagement<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
How a Lack of Emotional Security Leads to Conflict<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Part 2: Resolving Relationship Conflicts<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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Step #1: Identify Negative Communication Patterns<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
1) Confront and Retreat<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
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2) The Blame Game<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
3) Full Disconnection<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Step #2: Share Your Vulnerabilities<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Find Your Vulnerabilities<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Express Your Vulnerabilities<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
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Step #3: Resolve a Conflict Together<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Johnson\u2019s Conflict Resolution Process<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Part 3: Reconnecting With Your Partner<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Method #1: Share Your Fears and Needs<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n