{"id":143554,"date":"2025-04-09T13:02:18","date_gmt":"2025-04-09T17:02:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=143554"},"modified":"2025-04-14T13:11:13","modified_gmt":"2025-04-14T17:11:13","slug":"how-to-be-successful-in-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-successful-in-love\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Be Successful in Love: The Math of \u201cHappy Ever After\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What actually makes relationships last? Is traditional dating advice steering you in the wrong direction?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In his book <em>Don&#8217;t <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/follow-your-intuition\/\">Trust Your Gut<\/a><\/em>, Seth Stephens-Davidowitz reveals surprising data about how to be successful in love. His research shows that conventional attractiveness has little impact on relationship longevity, and he shares what makes you four times more likely to find lasting love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Keep reading to discover what you can do to transform your romantic future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-to-be-successful-in-love\">How to Be Successful in Love<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Stephens-Davidowitz&#8217;s advice on how to be successful in love is based on his research into dating and long-term relationships. As much as the numbers tell us about how to attract a romantic partner, they also reveal what\u2019s even more important. Stephens-Davidowitz found that <strong>the attributes that make potential partners attractive have no impact whatsoever on a relationship\u2019s long-term success.<\/strong> He says that study after study shows no correlation between what you look for in a relationship and whether that relationship will last. Therefore, the person your <em>gut <\/em>says will make an ideal lifelong partner is nonsense. Judging solely by the criteria that the online dating studies measured, achieving a happy long-term relationship would seem to happen entirely at random\u2014but it doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: The data from the online dating studies Stephens-Davidowitz cites may be missing a big piece of what drives your \u201cgut\u201d to pursue certain people. In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/getting-the-love-you-want\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Getting the Love You Want<\/em><\/a>, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt suggest that we\u2019re drawn to people we believe will help us resolve the wounded parts of our childhood, usually because <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/getting-the-love-you-want#the-idealized-caregiver\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">they unconsciously remind us of our parents and caregivers<\/a>. If two people match each other\u2019s parental ideals, the mutual attraction can be irresistible\u2014and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/getting-the-love-you-want#an-unwelcome-transition\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">the fallout when things go sour<\/a> can be severe.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When analyzing relationship longevity, what the data suggests is that we ask the wrong questions when seeking a life partner. According to Stephens-Davidowitz, <strong>the most important statistical factor in determining a relationship\u2019s success is <\/strong><strong><em>your <\/em><\/strong><strong>psychological state.<\/strong> If you\u2019re already happy with yourself, feel secure in your life, and look kindly toward others, you\u2019re four times more likely to be \u201clucky in love\u201d than someone who doesn\u2019t, even if they outscore you on all the traditional measures of attraction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Though Stephens-Davidowitz highlights the importance of being secure and happy with yourself, he doesn\u2019t suggest <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-achieve\/\">how to achieve<\/a> it if you\u2019re not. Neil Pasricha addresses this in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-happiness-equation\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The Happiness Equation<\/em><\/a>, where he writes that you can <em>train <\/em>yourself to be happy. This requires learning not to rely on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/seeking-validation-from-others-3\/\">external validation<\/a>, finding meaning in your work, and avoiding needless rumination. Doing so helps you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-happiness-equation#solution-train-yourself-to-think-positive-thoughts\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">be more positive<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-happiness-equation#solution-accept-who-you-are-and-figure-out-what-makes-you-happy\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">accept yourself for who you are<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>From all this data on romantic love, Stephens-Davidowitz draws the following conclusions:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Stop being shallow.<\/strong> Since conventional attraction means nothing when it comes to long-term happiness, you can increase your odds of finding the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/hiring-the-right-people\/\">right person<\/a> by widening your search parameters so your dates aren\u2019t confined to the \u201ctype\u201d you\u2019re looking for.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Be more selective about personality.<\/strong> Since people who are secure in themselves and thoughtful toward others tend to make the best partners, focus on looking for these qualities in the people you date to decide which relationships to pursue.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>There\u2019s no guarantee for romantic happiness, but Stephens-Davidowitz argues that taking the statistics of long-term love to heart can certainly improve your chances.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table class=\"has-fixed-layout\"><tbody><tr><td><strong>The View From the Therapist\u2019s Couch<\/strong><br><br>Relationship experts may take issue with the assumptions behind Stephens-Davidowitz\u2019s conclusions\u2014namely that there\u2019s a \u201cright person\u201d out there, and that finding them (perhaps by being picky about their personality) is enough to increase your chances of marital bliss.<br><br>As stated before, in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/getting-the-love-you-want\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Getting the Love You Want<\/em><\/a>, therapists Hendrix and Hunt argue that, no matter what \u201ctype\u201d you\u2019re looking for (or not), your \u201cright person\u201d will likely be someone who resembles an idealized version of the people who raised you. That may be fine while a relationship\u2019s young, but once <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/getting-the-love-you-want\/1-page-summary#the-honeymoon-phase\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">the honeymoon phase<\/a> is over and you start to see their faults, the traits you once found attractive in your partner can easily become abrasive. At that point, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/getting-the-love-you-want\/1-page-summary#the-conflict-begins\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">conflicts between you will emerge<\/a> and the success of your relationship will depend on the work you put into it.<br><br>Shortform\u2019s Master Guide to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-master-guides-maintaining-a-happy-relationship\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Maintaining a Happy Relationship<\/em><\/a> draws from a wide range of literature on how to make a romance last, from <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-master-guides-maintaining-a-happy-relationship#understand-your-needs-and-your-partners\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">understanding both your needs and your partner\u2019s<\/a>, to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-master-guides-maintaining-a-happy-relationship#maintain-emotional-intimacy\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">maintaining intimacy<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-master-guides-maintaining-a-happy-relationship#handle-conflict-effectively\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">navigating conflict<\/a>. Even if you find someone who\u2019s thoughtful and self-secure, you\u2019ll still have to acknowledge that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-master-guides-maintaining-a-happy-relationship#let-each-other-evolve\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">people and relationships change over time<\/a>. Stephens-Davidowitz\u2019s suggestions may help you set a relationship\u2019s starting conditions, but numbers alone aren\u2019t enough to know where it goes from there.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What actually makes relationships last? Is traditional dating advice steering you in the wrong direction? In his book Don&#8217;t Trust Your Gut, Seth Stephens-Davidowitz reveals surprising data about how to be successful in love. His research shows that conventional attractiveness has little impact on relationship longevity, and he shares what makes you four times more likely to find lasting love. Keep reading to discover what you can do to transform your romantic future.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":143559,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12,25],"tags":[1771],"class_list":["post-143554","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","category-statistics","tag-dont-trust-your-gut","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Be Successful in Love: The Math of \u201cHappy Ever After\u201d - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Research reveals the key statistical factor in determining a relationship\u2019s longevity. 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