{"id":140327,"date":"2025-01-22T12:23:29","date_gmt":"2025-01-22T16:23:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=140327"},"modified":"2025-01-28T12:28:39","modified_gmt":"2025-01-28T16:28:39","slug":"how-to-deal-with-loss","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-deal-with-loss\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Deal With Loss: 3 Ways to Navigate Grief"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Are you grieving a loss? How can understanding the science of grief<\/a> help you heal?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In The Grieving Brain<\/em>, psychologist Mary-Frances O’Connor explores how to deal with loss through the lens of neuroscience and psychology. Her research reveals practical strategies for navigating grief while honoring your unique journey through loss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read more to understand how your brain processes grief and discover science-backed ways to move forward while keeping your memories close to heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Dealing With Loss<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Though understanding how grief works neurologically and psychologically can be helpful, people often desire more concrete advice for how<\/em> to deal with loss. O\u2019Connor acknowledges that there are many limitations to grief advice: Even though everyone experiences grief, no one can provide a universal roadmap of how grief will feel to anyone else or how to handle it.<\/strong> She explains that, while she can share scientific knowledge about grief and her personal experiences, each person must find their own way through grief based on their values and beliefs. Just because your grieving doesn\u2019t seem to mirror the path you think it should take doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re grieving \u201cwrong.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Because there\u2019s no universal way to grieve, there\u2019s also no universal way to support someone who\u2019s grieving. However, experts offer some general tips<\/a>: Avoid phrases that minimize or try to make light of their loss, such as trying to point out the positives of the situation or suggesting that everything happens for a reason. Also avoid telling them what their deceased loved one would want or claiming to know how they feel. Instead, you could share a fond story of the deceased with the grieving person or offer concrete support by bringing them meals or providing other help.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Still, O\u2019Conner offers some potential ways people can better navigate through what they\u2019re feeling after a loss. These include living in the moment, connecting with others<\/a>, and embracing grief as a type of learning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

#1: Live in the Moment<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re often tempted to try to numb our feelings after a loss and avoid thinking about the present, as the grief can feel so overwhelming. While it may initially be unbearable to face reality, the present offers possibilities for healing and connection.<\/strong> O\u2019Connor argues that attempting to avoid painful feelings by disconnecting from the moment also blocks positive <\/em>experiences and learning opportunities. Instead of tuning out of what\u2019s going on right now, she recommends that you try to be mindful in the moment and stay aware of your surroundings and the people around you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This doesn\u2019t mean you can\u2019t spend time thinking about the past or the future. Choosing to engage with the present doesn\u2019t mean forgetting the deceased, O\u2019Connor explains. Rather, healthy grieving involves maintaining the ability to move between memories of the past and engagement with the present, without using either as a way to avoid the other.<\/strong> Remember your loved one, but also spend time thinking about the bonds you have now and the things you can look forward to. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This may sound difficult, but according to O\u2019Connor, doing it deliberately will help rewire your brain<\/a> to make the grief easier to handle. Research shows that practicing awareness in the moment can strengthen connections between different brain networks, potentially helping with adaptation to loss.<\/strong> She emphasizes that while it\u2019s natural for thoughts to wander to the deceased, developing the ability to return attention to the present is a skill that can be cultivated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Techniques for Living in the Moment<\/strong>

Living in the moment can be challenging to do consciously, but there are many techniques you can use to practice this. For example, present-moment meditation<\/a> is a practice designed to center your awareness on the present<\/a>, pushing out thoughts about the future or the past and tuning in to your senses\u2014what you see, hear, and feel\u2014in the moment. This can help you train yourself to tap into the moment at will.

In The Happiness Trap<\/em><\/a>, Russ Harris explains a process for mindfulness that can also help you learn to live in the moment. He recommends connecting with your observing self<\/em><\/a>, or the part of your mind responsible for awareness of your surroundings (as opposed to the part responsible for thinking and processing). He also suggests practicing defusion<\/em><\/a>, or detaching yourself from your thoughts and viewing them not as objective reality, but simply as words and images. This can help reduce the pain associated with your thoughts and lessen your need to get rid of them.

Next, he recommends expansion<\/em><\/a>, a process of making space in your body for negative feelings by connecting with and accepting your bodily sensations. Finally, he encourages you to practice connection<\/em><\/a>, which is the act of shifting your attention away from the past and future and engaging fully with the present. The more you engage with these practices, the easier they\u2019ll become over time, and the easier it will be to shift between thinking about the past or future and living in the present.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

#2: Connect With Others<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

O\u2019Connor also recommends connecting with others through your grief. Loss can make you feel profoundly alone, but everyone experiences grief, and understanding that can make it feel less lonely.<\/strong> She suggests that shifting your perspective to recognize our common human experiences can help you feel closer to others, even during intense grief. This connection can provide comfort and support during the grieving process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: The Covid-19 pandemic made it difficult for many people to grieve normally, as the isolation caused by self-quarantining and sheltering in place prevented people from connecting with others<\/a>. This loss of connection made many people feel alone in their grief, and the scale of death associated with the pandemic led them to feel that their grief wasn\u2019t important or that they had no right to grieve. While the social restrictions of the pandemic have since lessened, the threat of the virus can still create these isolating feelings for grieving people. To deal with this, experts recommend acknowledging that times have changed<\/a> (which will help you manage your expectations<\/a>), focusing on self-care, and adapting grief rituals to be more remote.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can also work to cultivate bonds with new people. O\u2019Connor acknowledges that it can be challenging to form new relationships after a loss:<\/strong> She explains that new relationships often trigger fresh grief and uses the concept of loss aversion to explain why new relationships might not feel as satisfying initially\u2014psychologically, we view losses two times more intensely than gains, so a new relationship would have to feel twice as good as your relationship with your lost loved one in order to feel equally satisfying. She emphasizes that the goal isn\u2019t to replace the deceased but to create new meaningful connections that are different but still fulfilling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: While meeting new people after a loss can be daunting, experts offer some advice on how to make it easier: Listen to your own needs<\/a> as you begin to branch out\u2014if you\u2019re not sure you\u2019re up for a big outing, plan to leave early, or ask friends to spend time together in small groups instead of large ones. Additionally, consider activities that align with your interests<\/a>, whether it\u2019s a book club, a fitness class, volunteering, or something else. This can not only serve as a restoration-oriented practice (aligning with the dual process model), but may also help offset the feeling of loss as two times more intense than the gain of a new relationship, increasing the satisfaction you feel from the new connections formed in this way.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

#3: Embrace Grief as Learning<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

O\u2019Connor asserts that grief is a form of learning, but one that\u2019s particularly challenging.<\/strong> When someone dies, our brains must update countless predictions and habits that involved the deceased person\u2014reworking our neural maps. We must learn that they no longer exist in the physical dimensions we expect and find new ways to maintain our bonds with them; we must also learn to stay grounded in the present while maintaining a transformed, dynamic relationship with the deceased that reflects our current self and the wisdom gained through grieving. Understanding this process can make it easier to undergo it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

O\u2019Connor recommends taking on a growth mindset<\/a><\/em>\u2014the belief that you have the capacity to learn and improve\u2014to help you develop a set of tools to get you through the grieving process. O\u2019Conner explains that everyone can learn and grow through grief, regardless of their starting point or intellectual abilities.<\/strong> When you\u2019re feeling stuck<\/a>, she recommends seeking new strategies from others who have experienced and learned from their grief, while recognizing that each person\u2019s journey is unique.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Embracing grief as learning aligns with the theory of metacognition<\/em><\/a>, which is the process of using your understanding of learning and of yourself as a learner to improve your cognition\u2014essentially, thinking about your thinking makes learning easier. Research shows that metacognitive practices improve both learning and self-efficacy<\/a>\u2014so applying them to grief can not only help you grow more during the grieving process, but also make you feel more in control and capable of handling grief. To capitalize on this unique learning ability, consider engaging in metacognitive therapy<\/em><\/a>, a method developed by psychologist Adrian Wells that\u2019s proven to be effective in treating a range of mental health symptoms.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Exercise: Understanding and Navigating Your Grief<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

O\u2019Connor emphasizes that grief is not simply an emotional state to \u201cget over,\u201d but rather a complex learning process in which our brains must literally rewire themselves to accommodate a new reality. This exercise will help you reflect on how you experience grief and identify strategies that may help you navigate through it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  1. Think about the dual process model of grief<\/a>, which involves oscillating between loss-oriented stressors (emotional responses) and restoration-oriented stressors (practical challenges). Which type of stressor do you tend to focus on more, and how might paying attention<\/a> to both help you navigate your grief? For example, do you tend to spend all your time thinking about your lost loved one and avoiding activities that may help you adjust to their absence? Or do you distract yourself with new activities to avoid thinking about the loss?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. Consider O\u2019Connor\u2019s discussion of different types of thinking in grief, such as reflection versus brooding. Describe a time when you caught yourself engaging in one of these thinking patterns. How did it affect your grieving process?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. O\u2019Connor suggests that living in the moment while maintaining connections with others can help us navigate grief<\/a>. What is one specific way you could practice being more present<\/a> in your daily life, and what is one way you could strengthen your connections with others during this time?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  4. Reflecting on O\u2019Connor\u2019s description of grief as a learning process, what is one new understanding about grief that you\u2019ve gained, and how might this understanding help you or others navigate through loss?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Are you grieving a loss? How can understanding the science of grief help you heal? In The Grieving Brain, psychologist Mary-Frances O’Connor explores how to deal with loss through the lens of neuroscience and psychology. Her research reveals practical strategies for navigating grief while honoring your unique journey through loss. Read more to understand how your brain processes grief and discover science-backed ways to move forward while keeping your memories close to heart.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":140336,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,9],"tags":[1730],"class_list":["post-140327","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-psychology","tag-the-grieving-brain","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Deal With Loss: 3 Ways to Navigate Grief - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"There\u2019s no universal way to grieve, but some advice can help. 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