{"id":135418,"date":"2024-11-20T13:38:00","date_gmt":"2024-11-20T17:38:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=135418"},"modified":"2024-11-20T17:03:21","modified_gmt":"2024-11-20T21:03:21","slug":"how-to-know-a-person-book","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-know-a-person-book\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Know a Person: Book Overview (David Brooks)"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What’s How to Know a Person<\/em> by David Brooks about? How can we rebuild connections as human beings?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In How to Know a Person<\/em>, New York Times<\/em> columnist David Brooks argues that our ability to truly understand and connect with others<\/a> is in crisis. Brooks contends that by rediscovering the lost art of \u201cknowing\u201d people, we can bridge divides, foster empathy, and rebuild our moral character.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read below for a brief How to Know a Person<\/em> book overview.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Overview of How to Know a Person<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In the How to Know a Person<\/em><\/a> <\/em>book (2023), David Brooks argues that our relationships are in decline\u2014and the morality of our society with them\u2014because many of us have lost touch with a crucial part of being human: our ability to know other people well. Brooks writes that knowing others enables us to see across political divides, racial lines, and geographic distances, allowing us to truly understand one another<\/strong>. To Brooks, learning and practicing the skill of knowing other people is not just a social good, but a moral imperative.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brooks argues that if you\u2019re too absorbed in your own life and perspective, you close yourself off to the humanity and dignity of the people around you. This leads to a diminished life for you as an individual, as well as a lack of morality and meaning among all people. Brooks sees modern problems like political polarization<\/a>, the mental health crisis, and an epidemic of loneliness as the consequences of our failure to teach (and learn) the social skills and moral character needed to live well in large, diverse groups.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Does It Mean to Really Know People?<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Brooks writes that many of us feel unacknowledged, unseen, and unloved. But he argues that we feel this way not because nobody cares about us, but because we\u2019ve lost the skill of getting to know one another deeply\u2014and making each other feel known. He contends that we weren\u2019t always missing this vital ability. Instead, there\u2019s a mismatch between the number of people we encounter in our modern world and our brains\u2019 capacity to get to know others<\/strong>. As Brooks points out, we\u2019re still working with social skills that our early human ancestors evolved as they lived in small hunter-gatherer bands. In his assessment, these skills haven\u2019t quite caught up to the demands of the large, diverse societies we live in today. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brooks explains that modern societies are much larger than the small hunter-gatherer bands that our early ancestors lived in. We also have much more intricate social structures and institutions to organize our communities. Plus, modern technology enables us to interact with people all over the world. All of these layers of interconnectedness add complexity to our relationships\u2014a situation that our evolution in small hunter-gatherer societies<\/a> hasn\u2019t quite prepared us for. Brooks argues that as a result of the mismatch between the social skills we have and the social skills we need, we don\u2019t feel connected to the people around us, and we often can\u2019t\u00a0 empathize with people who are outside our social groups or who are unlike us<\/strong>.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What would it mean to get around the limitations of our social skills and cultivate the skill of really seeing and knowing other people, as Brooks contends we must? He explains that to really know people, you have to do three things in your everyday interactions, no matter how fleeting they are: See people as individuals, appreciate people\u2019s perspectives and life stories, and recognize every person\u2019s inherent worth as a human being. In this section, we\u2019ll dig deeper into each of these critical skills.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seeing People as Individuals<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Brooks explains that to really know another person, you first have to see them as an individual<\/strong>: a person with a unique set of life experiences, characteristics, motivations, and goals. We know this about other people we meet, in theory\u2014yet most of us form our initial impression of others within minutes of meeting them and don\u2019t take the time to learn much more about them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brooks explains that when we fail to learn about the particulars of another person\u2019s life and character, we miss out on the opportunity to see them as complex people with their own full, unique lives. Instead, we stereotype and label others, coming to snap judgments about who they are and how they live their lives<\/strong>. By making assumptions about who someone has been in the past or jumping to conclusions<\/a> about who they\u2019ll be in the future, we miss the chance to see who they are in the present moment, right in front of us.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brooks argues that when we rely on easy stereotypes and quick judgments, we show a lack of curiosity about other people\u2014and he notes that the people around us can see that lack of curiosity<\/strong>. We\u2019ve all met somebody who\u2019s treated us as just another tool they can use to get what they want, or as an obstacle standing between them and what they hope to achieve. We don\u2019t like feeling our individuality and humanity minimized. But that doesn\u2019t stop us from dismissing others in the same way, and it doesn\u2019t feel good for us or for them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Appreciating Different Perspectives and Life Stories<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

A second strategy that Brooks considers vital for truly understanding people is to learn to look at others and appreciate the depth and merit of their perspective<\/strong>. Brooks points out that we live in diverse societies filled with people who are similar to us in some ways and different from us in others. But we have no hope of really knowing<\/em> people who are different from us if we can\u2019t learn to value the diversity of points of view and experiences that others bring with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brooks contends that when people feel isolated, they turn to social groups like political parties to find meaning and to establish their identities. But this coping mechanism doesn\u2019t really work: We can\u2019t build real connections with others by defining ourselves with political parties that tend to dehumanize and demean their opponents. Brooks explains that we need ways to connect with others that get us to <\/strong>appreciate<\/em><\/strong> rather than <\/strong>fear<\/em><\/strong> differences of opinion.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

To build this appreciation for ways of thinking and living that are different from yours, you have to learn to see things from other people\u2019s points of view, according to Brooks. That helps you to understand them better. But it does more than that: When you make a point of engaging with people and listening to what they have to say, you can also help them feel respected, which is a rare experience for many of us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Recognizing People\u2019s Inherent Worth and Dignity<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

To get to know someone<\/a> deeply, the third step you need to take is to recognize each person\u2019s great worth as a human being<\/strong>. Brooks emphasizes that this is crucial even when you\u2019ve just met a person or expect to never see them again. He writes that you should remind yourself that each person you interact with is a complex individual worthy of your respect and empathy\u2014something we can lose sight of as we go about our busy lives<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brooks offers one strategy you can use to remind yourself of people\u2019s inherent worth. He explains that even if you don\u2019t believe that people possess something like a soul, it can help to interact with them as if they do. Whatever your beliefs, the goal is to engage with others with deep respect: to understand that each person has value and dignity<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you want to really understand other people, you can\u2019t settle for just knowing the basic facts about someone\u2019s background or experiences, according to Brooks. While it doesn\u2019t hurt to know some details on their interests, career, life story, or personality traits, this knowledge is only surface-level. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brooks says it\u2019s just as important to have a deep understanding<\/a> that everyone deserves to be respected and appreciated for who they are<\/strong>. He explains that you can use this understanding to recognize and empathize with the unique qualities, struggles, and perspectives of each person you meet. In other words, you can only give people the kind of attention they deserve\u2014the kind that says you see them as a unique and valuable person\u2014if you recognize them as worthy of your time, effort, and respect.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why Is Learning to Know Others Important\u2014and Difficult?<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Brooks argues that we often don\u2019t make an effort to get to know each other, but why is it so vital to our well-being, as individuals and as a society, that we make this effort? According to Brooks, there are two reasons: Knowing other people is a moral act<\/em> that helps us develop our character as individuals, and it\u2019s a social act<\/em> that can help us reverse some of the negative changes that the modern world has brought to our communities and how we relate to each other. In this section, we\u2019ll take a closer look at both of these ideas. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

How We Treat Others Defines Our Moral Character<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

First, Brooks considers the effort of getting to know other people a fundamentally moral act<\/strong>. He characterizes the time, attention, and skill you put into seeing and understanding other people<\/a> as an indicator of the kind of person you are. Morality consists of the small things you do every day, according to Brooks. So he believes we should be present with other people, make an effort to understand them in the context of their lives, and strive to always treat them well.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When explaining the moral importance of knowing others, Brooks notes that the goal isn\u2019t just to understand<\/em> them, but to be understanding<\/em> of what they\u2019re going through<\/strong>. Brooks explains that to understand<\/em> someone is to grasp what they\u2019re thinking or feeling. But to be<\/em> understanding<\/em> of someone means going a step further: offering empathy, acceptance, and consideration for what they\u2019re experiencing in the present moment. He explains that according to philosopher Iris Murdoch, extending this kind of understanding and empathy to others is a crucial moral task<\/strong> because the tone of our interactions with each other in these everyday moments forms the substance of our character.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Knowing Each Other Can Help Us Build a Better Society<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

In addition to seeing the work of getting to know other people as a moral act, Brooks characterizes it as a profoundly social act<\/strong>. He explains that knowing other people can help us repair some of the problems that drive people apart. And when we strengthen our relationships as individuals, that can help us reinforce our society as a whole. Brooks emphasizes that it\u2019s imperative to our survival to fix the problem of <\/strong>not<\/em><\/strong> relating to each other<\/strong>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you look around, you can see that many people struggle with a sense of loneliness, isolation, and distrust of other people<\/strong>. This can lead to bitterness, animosity, and even violence. Brooks contends that divisions over differences in race, ideology, and socioeconomic background\u2014along with a lack of understanding and empathy for those differences\u2014wear away at the fabric of our communities. When we\u2019re unable to relate to each other or communicate effectively, we create a culture of hostility and dehumanization. This hurts our ability to work toward common goals and to exercise the trust and respect we need to maintain a healthy, functioning society.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How Can We Better Understand Other People?<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

While learning to know other people is crucial, Brooks acknowledges that it takes a lot of time and effort to cultivate this skill\u2014and to actually practice it in our everyday lives. But he contends that anybody can learn to know others by mastering three skills: making others feel seen, listening deeply to others, and cultivating social skills that might not come naturally\u2014like stepping outside of our own perspectives, practicing empathy, and recognizing where somebody is in their life\u2019s journey. Next, we\u2019ll examine each of these strategies in more detail so you can learn how to practice<\/a> them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Learn to Make People Feel Seen and Valued<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Brooks explains that it\u2019s crucial to interact with others in ways that show them you appreciate them and want to understand them<\/strong>. This involves several skills you can practice every day, like being open to what people share with you, learning to be present with others through even the mundane things you do together, and using your conversational skills to deepen your connections with people. Here\u2019s how Brooks recommends doing this in your everyday interactions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Open Yourself Up to What People Share With You<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

To help people feel that you value them for who they are, you first have to make it clear that you want to get to know them<\/strong>. Brooks says you can do this by opening yourself up to others\u2019 ideas, experiences, and perspectives. Make a point of listening closely when they share with you: They\u2019ll realize you\u2019re open to what they\u2019d like to share if you\u2019re generous as a listener when they tell you about themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be Present With People Through Everyday Experiences<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

A second way to show people you see and value them is to be present in the moments you share with them each day<\/strong>, even when you\u2019re doing something routine. Brooks notes that you probably spend most of your time doing the mundane things that make up everyday life: collaborating on projects with your coworkers, cooking dinner with your partner, driving to school with your kids, striking up a conversation<\/a> with the neighbors, and so on. He recommends learning to see these moments as chances to engage with the people you share them with: to bring your whole self to those moments and to enjoy seeing how others navigate their lives.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Engage and Improve Your Conversational Skills<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

A third crucial tool for helping others feel understood is simply to engage them in a great conversation<\/strong>. Brooks explains that you can have compelling, enriching conversations even with people you\u2019re still getting to know. That\u2019s especially true if you make a point of cultivating your conversational skills. To turn everyday encounters into a chance to get to know someone better, you have to hone your ability to listen. Brooks explains that we often fail to really listen to one another<\/strong>, but that\u2019s a bad habit you can break with a little bit of work.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Learn How to Dig Deeper Into People\u2019s Life Stories<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Brooks explains that once you\u2019ve begun to cultivate the skills that help you make others feel understood, the next step is to engage fully with the stories that others tell you<\/strong> about who they are, where they\u2019ve been, and where they want to go. In this section, we\u2019ll explore three ways you can do that in your everyday life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Practice Asking People the Right Questions<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Brooks writes that the first step to engaging more deeply in someone\u2019s story is to learn to ask good questions<\/strong>. When you want to discover how someone sees the story of their life, you can\u2019t ask perfunctory questions and expect to get deeply insightful answers in return. For example, Brooks recommends that instead of asking someone what<\/em> they think about a particular topic, you could ask how<\/em> they came to think the way they do about that issue.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brooks contends that, contrary to popular opinion, it\u2019s often OK to ask people big questions:<\/strong> the kinds of questions that we ask as children but get squeamish about posing to each other as adults. He thinks it\u2019s a good idea to ask people questions about what they believe about the world, what kind of person they know themselves to be, and what they value most in their lives.\u00a0 Most people want to tell their story\u2014once you\u2019ve established a trusting relationship with someone, Brooks thinks the chances are good that the other person would welcome a conversation about the big, philosophical questions they rarely get asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Help Others See Their Stories (and Themselves) More Clearly<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The second step Brooks recommends for going deeper into people\u2019s stories is to engage with those stories with the goal of helping others to tell better stories about themselves<\/strong>. Brooks contends that even as you ask questions to learn the story of someone\u2019s life from their<\/em> perspective, you can use your<\/em> perspective to help them see themselves more clearly. We have a natural tendency to arrange our experiences into neat stories. But sometimes, these stories aren\u2019t entirely accurate. Brooks explains that you can pay attention to the ways in which a person\u2019s story doesn\u2019t fully represent who they are or capture the direction their life seems to be going in. Then, you might be able to help them change that story.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Recognize the Influence of a Person\u2019s Culture and History<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Brooks\u2019s third step to engaging more deeply with people\u2019s stories is to look for the influence of their culture and personal history on the events and choices they\u2019re telling you about<\/strong>. Brooks says some of the key events in a person\u2019s story began long before they were born: in the history of the place they grew up or in the backstory of the people they\u2019re descended from. He believes our ancestors\u2019 history lives on in all of us. So, to really know a person, it helps to learn where they came from and how it impacted their view of the world and their place in it.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Practice Difficult Social and Emotional Skills<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Finally, once you\u2019ve started building your skills in making people feel seen<\/a> and engaging more deeply with the stories they tell, you can turn your attention to cultivating some social skills that don\u2019t come naturally to many people. Brooks explains that as we practice learning to know others, we often have to work to counter some of our natural tendencies: the tendency to see things in a self-centered way, to be impatient rather than empathetic, or to shy away from the messy parts of others\u2019 lives. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What’s How to Know a Person by David Brooks about? How can we rebuild connections as human beings? In How to Know a Person, New York Times columnist David Brooks argues that our ability to truly understand and connect with others is in crisis. Brooks contends that by rediscovering the lost art of \u201cknowing\u201d people, we can bridge divides, foster empathy, and rebuild our moral character. 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