{"id":134369,"date":"2024-10-24T12:44:15","date_gmt":"2024-10-24T16:44:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=134369"},"modified":"2024-10-28T12:56:50","modified_gmt":"2024-10-28T16:56:50","slug":"false-selves","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/false-selves\/","title":{"rendered":"Our False Selves: 3 Ways We Disown Ourselves to Avoid Shame"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What drives people to create different versions of themselves? How do childhood experiences shape the roles we play in our relationships?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

False selves emerge when shame becomes deeply rooted in our identity. People often develop these alternate personas as protective shields, crafting different versions of themselves for their culture, their life path, and their relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading to discover the three types of false selves and how they influence our daily interactions, relationships, and life choices.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Our False Selves<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

John Bradshaw contends that internalized shame sometimes manifests by forcing us to develop a false self<\/em>. He explains that, when toxic shame becomes part of our identity, it convinces us that our authentic self is shameful and unworthy; therefore, we disown our true self<\/a>. As a result, we lose touch with our authentic needs and desires, and we must mold a false identity to guide our actions in different scenarios since we don\u2019t have an authentic self to do so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: In Daring Greatly<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>Brown reiterates that shame causes us to disconnect from our true selves and adopt a false identity we show to the world. She adds that this is perilous because it prevents us from being vulnerable<\/em><\/a>\u2014exposing our true selves to people. Being vulnerable<\/a> is crucial to living a fulfilling life\u2014what she calls living \u201cwholeheartedly\u201d\u2014because it allows us to build genuine connections with others. These genuine connections cultivate the feelings of love and belonging that are necessary to feel worthy\u2014the opposite of feeling shame.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are three \u201cfalse selves\u201d that people with toxic shame build: the cultural self, our self trajectory, and our relational self.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

False Self #1: Our Cultural Self<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

First is the cultural self\u2014our role in society<\/strong>. According to Bradshaw, this self is dictated by our \u201csex roles.\u201d We strive to be the perfect embodiment of society’s concept of a man or woman.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Since the publication of Bradshaw\u2019s book, we\u2019ve gained a better understanding of the difference between sex and gender<\/a>. While sex refers to our sexual anatomy<\/em>, gender refers to the social roles<\/em> of our gender identity<\/em><\/a>\u2014whether that be male, female, or nonbinary. As such, \u201cgender roles\u201d would be a more accurate term than \u201csex roles,\u201d since Bradshaw uses the term in the context of social roles and identity.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

False Self #2: Our Self Trajectory<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Second is our self trajectory\u2014the life path we plan out for ourselves. <\/strong>According to Bradshaw, this includes our career aspirations, values, and self-image. Since toxically shamed people are unable to connect to their authentic needs and desires, they must shape their goals and values based on external influences like parents, friends, or media.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: While adopting goals, values, beliefs, and other factors from external sources may play a more extreme role in identity formation<\/a> for toxically shamed people, psychologists explain that it\u2019s normal to a certain extent. The phenomenon is called social influence<\/em><\/a>,<\/em> and while it can be negative, it\u2019s a common part of identity formation that occurs in our youth.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

False Self #3: Our Relational Self<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Third is our relational self\u2014the role we fill in our romantic and familial relationships.<\/strong> The role toxically shamed people play in adult relationships is usually the role they were taught to play as children due to their abandonment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, a child who was abused and played the ghost role in their family will likely play a passive or submissive role in their adult relationships, failing to express their thoughts and feelings<\/a>. They may also end up seeking a partner who abuses them in the same way they were abused as a child because that\u2019s how they were taught to receive attention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Opposite Relational Roles Attract<\/strong>

Childhood trauma often leads people to develop one of three problematic attachment styles<\/a>. Psychologists add that not only do our childhood experiences shape our adult attachment style<\/a> and relational role, but that people with opposite attachment styles often attract each other<\/a> and potentially further traumatize each other.

For example, an abused child who played a ghost role is more likely to develop an avoidant attachment style<\/a> and end up in a relationship with an anxiously attached person. This may occur because each person is trying to fulfill unmet needs from childhood. For the anxious person, the relationship offers another chance to earn hard-to-get affection that they failed to win in childhood. On the other hand, the avoidant person\u2019s need for independence<\/a> is validated by the anxious person\u2019s overwhelming need for intimacy and reassurance\u2014their need for distance seems warranted due to the anxious person\u2019s clingy behavior. This often leads to further relationship trauma, especially for the anxious person, whose abandonment wounds are likely to be triggered by the avoidant person\u2019s distant behavior.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What drives people to create different versions of themselves? How do childhood experiences shape the roles we play in our relationships? False selves emerge when shame becomes deeply rooted in our identity. People often develop these alternate personas as protective shields, crafting different versions of themselves for their culture, their life path, and their relationships. Keep reading to discover the three types of false selves and how they influence our daily interactions, relationships, and life choices.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":134376,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[1646],"class_list":["post-134369","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","tag-healing-the-shame-that-binds-you","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nOur False Selves: 3 Ways We Disown Ourselves to Avoid Shame - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"False selves emerge when shame becomes deeply rooted in our identity. 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