Why do women feel pressured to conform to society’s expectations? What happens when we question long-held beliefs about gender roles?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Many myths about women have been passed down through generations, shaping everything from sexuality and relationships to motherhood and beauty standards<\/a>. These inherited beliefs often limit women’s choices and authentic expression, yet they persist mainly because we’ve stopped questioning them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Keep reading to explore Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s ideas on how breaking free from these constraints can lead to more fulfilling lives and stronger relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n Tsabary explains that an important part of connecting with and acting according to your authentic self is learning to deconstruct societal myths<\/a> about women<\/strong>. She explains that the patriarchy has a set of rules and standards that tell us how we should<\/em> act and how things should <\/em>be, but that most of these rules and standards are baseless\u2014they\u2019re simply opinions that have been accepted as truth for so long that we no longer question them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: That we live in a patriarchal society based on inherited beliefs and systems is accepted knowledge; however, the patriarchy didn\u2019t always exist<\/a>. According to anthropologists, remains found at the 9,000-year-old site of \u00c7atalh\u00f6y\u00fck in modern-day Turkey suggest that men and women lived fairly equal lives\u2014they ate the same food and did the same work. The first records of a patriarchal society come from ancient Mesopotamia around 5,000 years ago: Anthropologists theorize that the patriarchy here arose out of a need for resources\u2014resources like food and armies are provided by people, and women produce people. Therefore, women\u2019s primary role began to center around producing and raising children<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Tsabary says that, instead of living according to these myths, women need to question their accuracy and live by what they think and feel to be right.<\/strong> We\u2019ll outline four areas where following societal myths tends to disadvantage women. (Tsabary notes that many of the following discussions pertain to cisgender women and heterosexual relationships.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Tsabary explains that societal myths tell women that connecting to and expressing their sexuality is inappropriate and shameful.<\/strong> They\u2019re taught that sex is something that should happen only in wedlock with the intent of conception. However, denying women the ability to explore their sexuality\u2014independently and with partners\u2014takes power and pleasure away from them and gives it to men. If women aren\u2019t allowed to explore themselves, they\u2019re unable to experience pleasure without a man and are never given the opportunity to understand their own wants and needs. On the other hand, society says it\u2019s OK for men to explore their sexuality alone and with others outside of wedlock.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Tsabary says that women should reclaim their sexuality by exploring their own bodies and sexual interests. <\/strong>They should shamelessly decide who they want to have sex with, when, and how often.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Tsabary, the notions that society preaches about monogamy and the nature of relationships contradict human nature. <\/p>\n\n\n\n First, Tsabary believes that human nature is tailored toward non-monogamy rather than monogamy, as society preaches<\/strong>. Tsabary claims that the different biopsychologies of men and women support this claim\u2014men are fertile all the time and can impregnate infinite women; therefore, their nature is to constantly seek partners to spread their genes. On the other hand, women are fertile only once a month and can produce a limited number of children, therefore they must be highly selective in their partner to ensure strong offspring\u2014but each child doesn\u2019t need to have the same father. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Further, says Tsabary, human tribal history shows that most communities were non-monogamous and that children were raised by the community rather than a mother-father unit<\/strong>. This allowed children to receive constant attention and care without<\/em> a nuclear family. This community structure supported non-monogamy because it allowed adults to have relationships and children with multiple partners without negatively impacting child rearing and development. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Ultimately, our biopsychology and history show that humans thrived in non-monogamous communities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n While Tsabary recognizes that non-monogamy isn\u2019t for everyone, she emphasizes that simply accepting the standards of monogamy without introspection can cause major problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n First, committing to one person for the rest of your life without question often causes both men and women to sabotage their happiness and fulfillment<\/strong>. Tsabary believes that it\u2019s highly unlikely for one person to fulfill all your mental, emotional, and sexual needs for the rest of your life. Therefore, monogamy often causes people to suffer with unfulfilled needs by denying them the opportunity to connect with people<\/a> who can meet those needs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meeting these needs is important, explains Tsabary, because they\u2019ll lead to a point of breakdown if they go unmet for long enough<\/strong>. For example, we may begin to resent our partner who\u2019s unable to provide the emotional support we need. Or, we deceive our partner by fulfilling sexual needs they don\u2019t meet outside the relationship without their consent. Whether we want to or not, our subconscious mind<\/a> will drive us to meet our needs\u2014it\u2019s better to do so in a healthy way than in unsatisfactory ways.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This isn\u2019t to say you need to leave<\/em> your primary partnership to satisfy your needs<\/strong>\u2014Tsabary believes you can explore other connections while maintaining a loving relationship with your primary partner. This is possible because, according to Tsabary, love and commitment are about much more than sex\u2014they\u2019re about regular connection and shared experiences. If partners are committed to dedicating time to each other and growing together, and agree on being non-monogamous, they can continue a happy partnership while meeting unfulfilled needs outside the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Tsabary continues to explain that our beliefs surrounding marriage can also cause major turmoil. <\/strong>We\u2019re taught that once the marriage contract is made, it should never be broken. This causes many women to endure unhappy and even abusive marriages due to the stigma they fear facing upon divorce. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Further, Tsabary says that while we\u2019re taught that marriage is the ultimate guarantee of love, love comes from partners\u2019 commitment to constantly grow together<\/strong>. People think that once they get married, their relationship is set in stone and will never change. Tsabary explains that this is unrealistic because people are constantly changing\u2014if you cling to a past state of your partner or relationship, you create distance that can be irreconcilable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Tsabary says that true love and commitment require you to accept the evolving nature of your partner and relationship, and commit to growing alongside them. Part of committing to this growth is realizing when two people also naturally grow apart\u2014if this happens, a marriage contract can\u2019t preserve love. Instead, partners who are no longer compatible must acknowledge this and release each other so they can continue to grow on their own paths and reach their individual potentials.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Tsabary explains that the societal expectations<\/a> around motherhood often influence women\u2019s identities negatively. First, society often tells women that the most important thing they can do in life is become a mother, and that if they don\u2019t have children, they\u2019re less of a woman. <\/strong>This is inherently untrue and often makes women without kids or who are unable to conceive feel they\u2019ve lost their female identity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Further, society encourages motherhood to consume women\u2019s identities once they have children. <\/strong>Because their identity and sense of self-worth<\/a> become dependent on their children, women become obsessed with being the \u201cperfect\u201d mom. This often causes mothers to put too much pressure on their kids to be perfect\u2014smart, athletic, polite, and so on\u2014because they see their kids as a representation of themselves. Further, when children grow up and move out, the mother often feels she\u2019s lost her identity because she no longer has a child to obsess over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead, Tsabary says mothers should see their child as a separate entity that they love and support<\/strong>. They should live in the present<\/a> moment and accept things as they are<\/a> rather than judging them as good or bad\u2014not let their children\u2019s behavior or emotions affect their own, and not judge their kids as being good enough or not. This allows them to be a stable and consistent supporter for their children. They should also work to heal their own issues so they can be the best parent they can be.<\/p>\n\n\n\nSocietal Myths About Women<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Sexuality Myths<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Relationship Myths<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Our Non-Monogamous Nature<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
The Detriments of Monogamy<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Marriage Myths<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Motherhood Myths<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Appearance Myths<\/h3>\n\n\n\n