{"id":133851,"date":"2024-10-15T11:27:43","date_gmt":"2024-10-15T15:27:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=133851"},"modified":"2024-10-28T12:23:28","modified_gmt":"2024-10-28T16:23:28","slug":"accept-what-you-cant-change","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/accept-what-you-cant-change\/","title":{"rendered":"Accepting What You Can&#8217;t Change Will Make You Happier"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you often stress about things that are outside your control? How can you learn to accept what you can&#8217;t change?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse, writes about the most common <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/deathbed-regrets\/\">deathbed regrets<\/a> she&#8217;s heard in her career. One way to avoid regrets and to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/live-authentically\/\">live authentically<\/a> and courageously is to let go of things that you can&#8217;t control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here&#8217;s Ware&#8217;s reasoning and her advice for doing so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-accept-things-outside-of-your-control\"><strong>Accept Things Outside of Your Control<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Bronnie Ware advises you to<strong> accept what you can&#8217;t change.<\/strong> Letting go of your need for control allows you to act courageously. If you recognize that you\u2019ll never fully be in control, focus on doing what you can, and trust that things will work out in the end, you\u2019ll find it easier to be happy and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/making-better-decisions-2\/\">make good choices<\/a>, even if they scare you. For example, you can express yourself honestly, knowing that how others respond is out of your hands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Understand the Degrees of Control You Have<\/strong><br><br>Ware\u2019s advice echoes ancient Stoic wisdom. As William B. Irvine explains in <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/a-guide-to-the-good-life\/1-page-summary\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>A Guide to the Good Life<\/em><\/a>, the Stoics recognized that basing happiness on factors outside our control sets us up for disappointment. However, this doesn\u2019t mean you should live passively \u2014instead, it\u2019s about understanding <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/a-guide-to-the-good-life\/1-page-summary#practice-2-focus-on-what-you-can-control\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">the degrees of control<\/a> you have.<br><br>Some things, like your efforts, are fully in your control. Others, like other people\u2019s reactions, are entirely out of your hands. Many things fall in between, like getting a promotion; in these cases, you have partial influence. Irvine suggests caring about and working toward things you partially control, but setting goals based only on what you fully control\u2014for instance, aiming to work efficiently rather than fixating on getting a promotion. This approach reduces your anxiety and, paradoxically, may make your desired outcomes more likely to come true.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>To help you accept that you can\u2019t control everything, Ware recommends you practice <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/eckhart-tolle-meditation-mindfulness\/\">meditation<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/compassion-for-yourself\/\">self-compassion<\/a>. First, practice meditation to become more aware of your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/thoughts-feelings-and-behaviors\/\">thoughts and feelings<\/a>. When you pay more attention to your thoughts, you can notice when you\u2019re having <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-negative-unhelpful-thoughts-set-you-back\/\">unhelpful thoughts<\/a> and replace them with better ones. For example, if you make a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-avoid-mistakes-at-work\/\">mistake at work<\/a> and start thinking, \u201cI\u2019m a total failure,\u201d meditation can help you recognize this unhelpful thought. You can then replace it with a more balanced view like, \u201cI made a mistake, but that doesn\u2019t define me. I can learn from this and do better next time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Experiment with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-master-guides-choosing-a-meditation-practice\/1-page-summary\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">different types of meditation<\/a> to find what works best for you. Buddhism offers practices like <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/vipassana-eat-pray-love\/\">vipassana<\/a> (mindfulness) meditation to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/self-observation\/\">observe your thoughts<\/a> without judgment, and metta (lovingkindness) meditation to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/cultivate-compassion\/\">cultivate compassion<\/a>. Hinduism and yoga incorporate physical postures, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/breathing-exercises-for-beginners\/\">breathing exercises<\/a>, and concentration techniques to unite mind and body. Western approaches focus on using meditation to manifest goals or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-improve-your-focus-2\/\">improve focus<\/a> and productivity.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Second, learn to have self-compassion by being kinder and more accepting of yourself. Self-compassion allows you to accept your situation and limitations, rather than fighting reality and berating yourself for what you can\u2019t change. When you\u2019re understanding of yourself, you can make <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/making-hard-decisions\/\">hard decisions<\/a> with less fear. You know that even if things don\u2019t work out perfectly, you\u2019ll treat yourself with kindness instead of self-criticism. This frees you to act with more courage and make decisions you won\u2019t regret.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Understanding the Taoist concepts of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-way-of-zen#taoism\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>wu-wei<\/em> and <em>wu-hsin<\/em><\/a> might help you cultivate more self-compassion. In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-way-of-zen\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The Way of Zen<\/em><\/a>, Alan Watts explains that <em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/what-is-wuwei\/\">wu-wei<\/a> <\/em>is when you act spontaneously without trying to interfere with the thoughts or decisions that come naturally to you. He suggests you embrace this principle, as this allows you to experience <em>wu-hsin<\/em>, which translates to \u201cno mind\u201d\u2014a state of un-self-consciousness. In this state of un-self-consciousness, you are content with yourself, knowing that all of your actions and decisions arise from your most natural self.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you often stress about things that are outside your control? How can you learn to accept what you can&#8217;t change? Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse, writes about the most common deathbed regrets she&#8217;s heard in her career. One way to avoid regrets and to live authentically and courageously is to let go of things that you can&#8217;t control. Here&#8217;s Ware&#8217;s reasoning and her advice for doing so.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":134291,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,43],"tags":[1639],"class_list":["post-133851","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-self-improvement","tag-the-top-five-regrets-of-the-dying","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Accepting What You Can&#039;t Change Will Make You Happier - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When you learn to accept what you can&#039;t change in life, you start to live more courageously. 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