Is the spark in your relationship still alive? What small changes could make a big difference in your love life?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Love Prescription<\/em>, a book by relationship experts and married couple Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman<\/a>, reveals how daily acts of kindness and connection can transform your partnership. Their seven-day plan offers practical tips to help couples thrive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Continue reading to learn the Gottmans’ advice for lasting love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n What\u2019s the secret to a successful, lasting relationship? The Love Prescription<\/em><\/a>, a book by Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman, compiles years of relationship research to explain that long-lasting love is sustained by small, daily acts. The key to a healthy relationship lies in regularly practicing gestures such as expressing gratitude for your partner\u2019s admirable actions, asking deep questions to stay connected with your partner<\/a> over time, and making time for date night no matter what.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Gottmans, who are married, have spent their careers studying the science behind successful relationships and sharing their findings in books such as The Man\u2019s Guide to Women<\/em><\/a> and Eight Dates<\/em><\/a>. They also founded The Gottman Institute<\/em><\/a>, an organization dedicated to improving relationships through research-based assessments and tools.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In The Love Prescription<\/a><\/em>, the Gottmans present their research and advice as a seven-day action plan to help you improve your romantic relationship. For simplicity, we\u2019ve grouped these seven daily practices into three sections: appreciating your partner<\/strong>, expressing your needs<\/a> clearly, and embracing opportunities to connect<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u27a1 This book is on our list of the best books on marriage. <\/em>See the full list.<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n According to the authors, successful couples don\u2019t necessarily do more kind deeds for each other, but they\u2019re better at noticing and acknowledging them when they occur. We\u2019ll first discuss how negativity bias<\/a> can make it difficult to see our partners in a loving light. Then, we\u2019ll discuss how to retrain your brain to see more of the good things your partner does. Finally, we\u2019ll explain why it\u2019s important to compliment your partner\u2014and how to make these compliments meaningful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We all have a negativity bias<\/strong>. This is our tendency to view things\u2014in this case, our partners\u2014with a negatively skewed perspective. This negativity is programmed into our evolutionary design: Noticing problems helps our survival.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because we\u2019re naturally wired to focus on the problems in our lives<\/strong>, we commonly fail to notice our partner\u2019s kind and helpful acts, and we often assume the worst when a chore isn\u2019t done or they miss an important event. We\u2019re also subject to our partner\u2019s negativity bias, so we feel frustrated that our own efforts go unnoticed. All of this can cause resentment to accumulate and accelerate a negative feedback loop<\/a> that fuels more and more negativity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Gottmans explain that when we feel our partner is unkind or unhelpful, it\u2019s typically not that our partner needs to do positive things more often (though this can sometimes be true). The Gottmans cite research showing that participants failed to notice an average of 50% of the kind or helpful deeds their partner performed. The researchers found that the difference between happy and unhappy couples wasn\u2019t that happy ones were doing more kind deeds for each other\u2014it was that happy couples were better at noticing and acknowledging kind deeds when they happened.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The Gottmans explain that, to combat negativity bias, you need to train your brain to see the positive things your partner does. Not only will this help you and your partner feel appreciated for what you do, but it will help you<\/em> notice and appreciate all of the good things your partner does. By promoting appreciation instead of criticism, you\u2019ll cultivate a healthier relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In their research, the Gottmans found that during conflicts, successful couples share five positive interactions for every negative one. Positive interactions might look like an empathetic comment, a smile, or a compliment. Negative interactions include criticism and blaming. As for regular interactions (not in conflict), the Gottmans found that successful couples have 20 positive interactions for every negative one.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Fortunately, we can retrain our thoughts to be more positive because our brains are neuroplastic:<\/em> highly malleable and capable of change. Neuroplasticity<\/a> allows us to form new thought patterns<\/a> and consciously train our brains to see our relationships in a brighter light.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s explore two of the Gottmans\u2019 tips for retraining your brain to appreciate your partner<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Tip 1: Watch your partner closely<\/strong> and focus on the positive<\/a> things they do. Pay attention to even their routine, mundane-seeming tasks. Express your gratitude for the things you notice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Tip 2: Switch who does which household chores<\/strong>. For instance, if your partner typically cares for your houseplants, try it for a day. Doing so will help you appreciate and thank them for the nuanced effort and thoughtfulness that their tasks require.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Beyond expressing gratitude for your partner\u2019s actions<\/em>, it\u2019s also important to recognize and compliment your partner\u2019s character.<\/em> So, reflect on the character traits you most admire about your partner and share these with them as often as you think of them<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Gottmans explain that focusing on what you value in your partner is better for your relationship than trying to change your partner\u2019s areas of growth.Character flaws are inevitable and difficult to change, so shifting your perspective is a more sustainable path to a happy relationship. In a study where the Gottmans kept in touch with over 3,000 couples for 20 years, they found that happy, successful couples who stay together long-term can readily name qualities they admire about their partners<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are two tips the Gottmans provide to help you give your partner meaningful compliments: <\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s easy to assume that our partners know (or should know) our needs and desires\u2014but, unless you express yourself clearly, you\u2019ll likely never be on the same page<\/strong>. For example, you might think your partner should realize you don\u2019t have time to fold the laundry because you\u2019re so busy with work. However, they might assume you\u2019ll do it because it\u2019s normally a chore you do. This type of miscommunication can lead to pent-up resentment and conflict. <\/p>\n\n\n\n To explore how to overcome such miscommunication, we\u2019ll first cover the authors\u2019 explanation for why we aren\u2019t open about our needs in the first place. We\u2019ll then discuss the consequences of neglecting our needs and look at the authors\u2019 tips to address them effectively.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Gottmans explain that society conditions us to suppress our needs<\/strong>. Men are expected to be tough and taught that needs are a sign of weakness. Women are commonly taught that expressing needs makes you appear needy and unattractive. Along with experiencing these cultural influences, we\u2019ve all faced rejection after being vulnerable<\/a> about our needs, whether during childhood or in a past romantic relationship. The Gottmans explain that rejection at our most vulnerable moments teaches us we\u2019re not important or that having needs is bad. <\/strong>This can make us afraid to become vulnerable again. As a result, we convey our needs indirectly and hope our partners pick up on them to avoid any pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Until we recognize that we must communicate our needs clearly, we may rationalize why our needs are unmet by criticizing our partners, which will lead to resentment. In our minds, our failure to communicate becomes their<\/em> problem, not ours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If we justify our resentfulness by viewing our partner negatively, our perspective of them becomes skewed. We may begin to criticize their character, rather than their actions (or our own). If we\u2019ve been stockpiling resentment for a while, it\u2019s tempting to ambush our partner by pointing out their shortcomings. Doing this can make our partner defensive and trigger an unproductive argument. The Gottmans explain that criticisms of our partner\u2019s habits or character can\u2019t be constructive if they\u2019re delivered with long-stockpiled feelings of frustration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Gottmans explain that you should frame your needs in a way that\u2019s constructive rather than critical when you discuss them with your partner<\/strong>. The authors describe a three-step process for doing so:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here\u2019s an example of what these steps might look like in action: To start a conversation<\/a> with your partner, you might say, \u201cLately, I\u2019ve been feeling sad because I haven\u2019t had time to do any creative writing, which is really important to me (describing the way you <\/em>feel). Work and home chores have demanded so much of us both lately (explaining the circumstances), but I\u2019d really appreciate it if you could handle my home chores one night each week to give me some time to write (describing what you need going forward). <\/p>\n\n\n\n The Gottmans emphasize that connection is key for relationships. The more often you share touches and make time for your partner, the happier and more sustainable your relationship will be. We\u2019ll explore four forms of connection that the Gottmans say matter most.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Opportunities for connection with your partner don\u2019t have to be grand, but you should seize them often. The Gottmans explain that it\u2019s important to respond positively when your partner makes an effort to connect with you. Efforts to connect can range from a sigh to a dinner invitation. They say there are three ways to respond to your partner\u2019s efforts to share an experience:<\/p>\n\n\n\n When you embrace opportunities for connection, you\u2019re investing in a supportive foundation that wards off resentment<\/strong>. The authors explain that when you offer your partner loving attention most of the time, it\u2019ll prevent them from holding grudges against you for the rare times you slip and upset them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Gottmans underscore that responding positively to your partner\u2019s outreaches is the most significant thing you can do to cultivate a happy, successful relationship<\/a><\/strong>. The authors performed a study where they observed couples\u2019 interactions for a weekend. They found that people who responded positively to 86% of their partners\u2019 outreaches were still together after six years. By contrast, people in couples who\u2019d broken up after six years only responded positively to 33% of their partner\u2019s outreaches.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To stay closely connected with your partner, the authors suggest dedicating 10 minutes to checking in with your partner every day. During this time, ask your partner if there\u2019s anything you can do to support them today. This lets your partner know you care about helping them to reflect on their feelings and needs in a supportive environment. Take time to listen<\/strong> and do whatever it takes to fulfill their request. This builds trust<\/strong>, which will improve your relationship<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As we settle into long-term relationships with our partners, the big questions we used to ask each other with curiosity turn into logistical and practical questions (for example, \u201cDid you take the dog out?\u201d). However, the Gottmans explain that maintaining curiosity is key to healthy relationships<\/a>. Here\u2019s why:<\/p>\n\n\n\n To maintain curiosity in your relationship, ask your partner deep questions. The Gottmans explain when you\u2019re asking deep questions, it\u2019s helpful to make them open-ended<\/strong> to allow your partner to reflect more and come up with a personal, meaningful response. For example, you could ask your partner to name a place they\u2019ve traveled to that they\u2019d like to revisit. Encourage them to elaborate<\/strong> and take time to listen. If you have a difficult time getting the conversation off the ground, pose a question and answer it to lead by example<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Gottmans explain that physical affection<\/a> is vital to physical health and the health of your romantic relationship. Let\u2019s explore a few reasons why.<\/p>\n\n\n\nThe Love Prescription<\/em> Book Overview<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Appreciate Your Partner<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Overcome Negativity Bias to Appreciate Your Partner<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How to Retrain Your Brain for Positivity<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Give Your Partner a Good Compliment<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Express Your Needs Clearly<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Why We Aren\u2019t Open About Our Needs<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
The Consequences of Not Communicating Our Needs<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How to Ask for What You Need in a Positive Way<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Embrace Opportunities to Connect<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Respond Positively When Your Partner Reaches Out<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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How to Create Opportunities for Connection<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Stay Curious About Each Other<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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How to Ask Deep Questions<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Prioritize Physical Affection<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n