{"id":130119,"date":"2024-09-15T10:19:29","date_gmt":"2024-09-15T14:19:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=130119"},"modified":"2024-09-18T11:33:06","modified_gmt":"2024-09-18T15:33:06","slug":"mutual-empathy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mutual-empathy\/","title":{"rendered":"Establishing Mutual Empathy: 4 Steps Toward Seeing Eye to Eye"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you avoid difficult conversations? What if you could get on the same page with others more easily?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ren\u00e9e Evenson’s book Powerful Phrases for Dealing with Difficult People<\/em> offers practical steps to establishing mutual empathy during conflict resolution<\/a>. Her recommendations will help you navigate challenging discussions and find mutually beneficial solutions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading to discover how to build empathetic connections and avoid defensive reactions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Establishing Mutual Empathy<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

When you initiate conflict resolution, try to establish an empathetic connection<\/a> as soon as possible. Evenson argues that, to have a productive discussion, you need to understand how the other person sees the conflict and get them to understand how you see it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The key to this mutual empathy is to avoid making the other person feel defensive. If someone feels like you\u2019re attacking, accusing, or blaming them, they\u2019ll focus on protecting themselves by trying to \u201cwin\u201d the fight. They\u2019ll attack, accuse, and blame you instead of working toward a solution.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why People Make Others Defensive<\/strong>

In The Anatomy of Peace<\/em><\/a>, the Arbinger Institute<\/a> agrees that mutual empathy is the cornerstone of conflict resolution, and they elaborate as to why so many people ignore this fact and adopt a combative mindset<\/a> instead. After people do something that goes against someone else\u2019s best interests, they often justify it by adopting beliefs about themselves and others that prove their hurtful actions were necessary<\/a>. These beliefs then encourage them to attack, accuse, and blame others\u2014which triggers similar defensive actions in return.

For example, imagine a parent skips their child\u2019s championship soccer game to finish a project at work. To justify this, they adopt the belief that their child should be mature enough to play without their validation. When their child asks why they weren\u2019t watching the game, the parent says in a condescending tone, \u201cYou seriously need me to cheer for you at every game?\u201d This causes their child to angrily accuse them of being negligent and unloving.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re going to discuss a few ways to build empathetic connections and avoid triggering defensiveness: Focus on expressing your feelings<\/a>, ask about the other person\u2019s point of view, state your desire for compromise, and use constructive nonverbal signals<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 1: Begin by Stating Your Feelings<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Evenson recommends beginning every conflict resolution with \u201cI\u201d messages:<\/strong> statements starting with \u201cI\u201d that express how the situation at hand impacted your feelings. For instance, \u201cI felt offended when you minimized the importance of my team\u2019s project at today\u2019s meeting\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m scared that customers will get upset if you use that kind of language in front of them\u201d would be \u201cI\u201d messages. \u201cI\u201d messages allow you to bring up the problem without making it seem like you\u2019re attacking, accusing, or blaming the other person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In contrast, when most people start a confrontation, they instinctively resort to “you” messages:<\/strong> statements starting with \u201cyou\u201d that frame the problem as the other person\u2019s fault. For example, \u201cYou were being incredibly disrespectful in today\u2019s meeting\u201d and \u201cYou need to control yourself in front of the customers\u201d would be \u201cyou\u201d messages. \u201cYou\u201d messages tend to make the other person defensive, escalating the conflict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t Hide Accusations in Your \u201cI\u201d Messages<\/strong>

Psychologist Thomas Gordon coined the term \u201cI\u201d messages<\/a> in his 1970 book Parent Effectiveness Training<\/em><\/a>. Other psychologists have since adopted this concept, sometimes referring to them as \u201cI\u201d statements or \u201cI\u201d phrases.

Gordon\u2019s official blog warns that \u201cI\u201d messages are ineffective when they contain hidden \u201cyou\u201d messages<\/a>. For example, if you say \u201cI feel upset when you don\u2019t think before making dumb decisions like this,\u201d you\u2019re essentially just saying, \u201cYou\u2019re impulsive and make dumb decisions.\u201d This statement conveys blame and shame, which will make the other person defensive.

To avoid this, Gordon\u2019s blog recommends making sure your \u201cI\u201d messages contain three key components<\/a>:

\u2022 An objective, non-accusatory description of the other person\u2019s actions
\u2022 A description of how you feel
\u2022 A description of the consequences the other person\u2019s actions have on your life

For example, you might say, \u201cI feel frustrated and overwhelmed (description of feelings) when you leave your dirty dishes in the sink (objective description of action) because it adds more work to my busy schedule (description of consequences).\u201d<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Step 2: Ask About and Express the Other Person\u2019s Point of View<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

After you express your feelings with an \u201cI\u201d message, ask objective, non-judgmental questions to encourage the other person to share their thoughts and feelings<\/a> about the conflict.<\/strong> Evenson contends that when you seek to understand the other person’s perspective, you establish a tone of mutual respect and collaboration that will make it much easier to discover solutions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While the other person explains how they see the situation, practice active listening<\/a>: Use affirmative sounds like “ahh,” or “mhmm” to show that you understand what they\u2019re saying. If you get confused at any point, use sounds like “hmm?” or “oh?” to let the other person know they need to clarify something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: In How to Know a Person<\/em><\/a>, David Brooks contends that the most effective form of active listening involves more than small sounds like \u201cahh\u201d or \u201chmm?\u201d He cites Oprah Winfrey as a master conversationalist because of her deeply involved listening habits. While listening, she intensely mirrors the speaker\u2019s emotions with a wide range of facial expressions and nonverbal vocalizations, including gasps of surprise, somber looks of sympathy, and extended, almost musical hums of encouragement. Reactions like these demonstrate that the listener is deeply absorbed in the conversation, making the speaker feel heard and encouraging them to speak more.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Furthermore, Evenson asserts that throughout your conversation, you should express the other person\u2019s point of view.<\/strong> For example, you might say \u201cI see how it would be frustrating to have me micromanaging your work like that,\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019ve probably felt pretty powerless since I took that project off your plate.\u201d Ideally, this will prove to the other person that you want to find a solution that benefits them, and they\u2019ll be more likely to cooperate. Verbally empathizing in this way can also inspire them to see the situation from your point of view.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Persuade People by Using Empathetic Questions<\/strong>

In How to Make Friends and Influence People<\/em><\/a>, Dale Carnegie also recommends building empathy by asking questions and articulating the other person\u2019s point of view in a disagreement. However, unlike Evenson, he contends that during this stage, you can also persuade them to change their mind.

First, restate the other person\u2019s point of view in a sympathetic way<\/a> and assert that they\u2019re justified in feeling the way they do. They\u2019ll appreciate this concern and be more likely to listen to what you have to say. Next, ask obvious questions that force them to agree with you, to get them in an agreeable state of mind<\/a>. Then, ask a series of questions that lead them through the logic of your perspective. Subtly highlight key pieces of information and reasoning that support your view, without explicitly stating your opinion, so they feel like they’re getting there on their own. By the end of the discussion, the other person will have talked themselves into your conclusion.

For example, imagine your friend is considering quitting their job, but you believe that because they lack substantial savings, quitting without a backup plan might not be the best decision. Thus, you want to convince them not to quit. You start the conversation by saying, \u201cI completely understand why you’re feeling so stressed and overwhelmed at work<\/a>. I\u2019d want to quit if I was in your position, too.\u201d They agree, so you ask, \u201cYou want to minimize the amount of stress in your life right now, correct?” They say \u201cyes\u201d again, putting them in an agreeable mindset.

Then, you start asking questions that subtly support your point of view: \u201cConsidering the current job market, do you think it might be challenging\u2014and stressful\u2014to find a new position that pays enough for you to cover your expenses?” They agree, so you ask, \u201cIdeally, what would be the best way to transition from this job to a better one?” This question makes them realize that they should hunt for a new job before quitting outright.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Step 3: Commit to Finding a Compromise<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Evenson recommends directly stating throughout the conflict resolution process that you want to find a mutually acceptable compromise.<\/strong> This way, you repeatedly remind the other person that your goal is to negotiate in good faith rather than \u201cwin\u201d the conflict by proving they\u2019re in the wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anytime you need to defuse defensive reactions or refocus the dialogue on problem-solving, reaffirm your commitment to compromise. For example, you might say something like \u201cLet\u2019s talk this out and see if we can understand where each other is coming from,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m trying to find a solution that works for both of us.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: In You Can Negotiate Anything<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>Herb Cohen argues the opposite: You should explicitly clarify that you\u2019re not looking to compromise<\/a>. If two people agree to look for a \u201ccompromise,\u201d they enter the conversation expecting that they\u2019ll have to sacrifice something they want. Consequently, they stop looking for creative solutions and may resort to win-lose negotiation tactics<\/a> (like hiding how much they want something) to try and minimize their sacrifice. Instead, to focus your conversation, you may want to repeatedly clarify that you\u2019re looking for a win-win solution<\/a><\/em>, not a compromise.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 4: Use Calm, Confident, and Empathetic Nonverbal Signals<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Evenson explains that although the words you use are important, your body language<\/a>, facial expressions, and tone of voice communicate your true feelings more directly. For this reason, send nonverbal signals that show the other person you\u2019re calm, empathetic, and confident.<\/strong> Seeming calm and empathetic will keep the other person from getting defensive, and showing confidence will make them more likely to respect your desires and see your suggested solutions as valuable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Evenson recommends using these nonverbal signals to have the most productive conflict<\/a> resolution:<\/p>\n\n\n\n