{"id":125156,"date":"2024-03-23T15:43:00","date_gmt":"2024-03-23T19:43:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=125156"},"modified":"2024-04-02T15:47:51","modified_gmt":"2024-04-02T19:47:51","slug":"how-to-stop-being-condescending","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-condescending\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Stop Being Condescending: 5 Steps to Polite Persuasion"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do people respond negatively when you ask them to do something? Could it be because you’ve made them feel like you’re looking down on them?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps you’re a parent trying to get your teenager to respect curfew, or you’re a manager pressing your employees to meet a deadline. George Thompson offers some tips on how to get people to cooperate without making them feel small.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading for Thompson’s advice on how to stop being condescending when you’re communicating with others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

How to Stop Being Condescending<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

One method for practicing Verbal Judo in your daily life is to pay close attention to the language you use<\/strong>. Thompson explains that, even when it\u2019s your job as a professional (or as a parent) to get someone to cooperate with you, you can do that without using language that feels condescending to others. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Experts say that, when people sound condescending, it\u2019s often because they\u2019re feeling attacked and are trying to demonstrate their superiority<\/a>. That can be an easy trap to fall into when you\u2019re trying to convince someone that you know how to resolve a conflict or solve a problem. But experts say you can avoid sounding like you think you know better than the other person if you choose your words carefully. They recommend focusing on listening instead of talking, waiting to give advice until you have the other person\u2019s permission, and listening to the other person\u2019s view of the problem before trying to propose a solution<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thompson points out that most people don\u2019t respond positively to being told what to do. So, in many cases, just issuing instructions won\u2019t yield the results you want. If, instead, you respect the other person\u2019s agency and acknowledge that their cooperation with you is a choice<\/strong>, you\u2019re more likely to get them to go along with what you\u2019d like them to do. Thompson shares five steps for people who are ready to learn how to stop being condescending when they’re persuading someone to cooperate with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 1<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The first step is to request that they do what you\u2019d like them to do<\/strong>. By clearly articulating what you want to happen, you\u2019re explaining your goal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 2<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The second step is to explain the rationale for your request if the person hesitates to cooperate with you<\/strong>. Explaining \u201cwhy\u201d you\u2019re asking them to do something makes it easier for the other person to understand the rules or reasoning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 3<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The third step\u2014if they still haven\u2019t been persuaded\u2014is to explain what will happen if they cooperate with you or if they don\u2019t<\/strong>. This acknowledges that they\u2019re making a choice and gives them the information they need to make it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 4<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The fourth step\u2014if the other person still doesn\u2019t want to cooperate\u2014is to ask whether there\u2019s anything you can do to get them to cooperate<\/strong>. You\u2019re addressing the fact that they aren\u2019t going along with you, and giving them a chance to choose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 5<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The fifth step, if the other person still declines to go along with the solution you\u2019ve proposed, is to follow through and respond to their lack of cooperation in the way you said you would<\/strong>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, imagine you need to ask your roommate to clean up the dishes they left in the kitchen sink. You could start by asking, \u201cHey, could you please wash the dishes?\u201d (Step 1). If they hesitate, you could explain, \u201cI\u2019ve left dishes in the sink before, and it attracts cockroaches\u201d (Step 2). If they still wave you off, you could say, \u201cIf we clean the kitchen when it needs to be cleaned, it\u2019ll be healthier and easier for all of us. If not, we\u2019ll need to create a cleaning schedule\u201d (Step 3). If they still just say they\u2019ll do the dishes later, you can ask, “Is there something I could do that might make tidying up easier for you?\u201d (Step 4). If there\u2019s still no action, follow through: \u201cLet\u2019s make that cleaning schedule, then\u201d (Step 5).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How Do Other Experts Recommend Getting Someone to Cooperate With You?<\/strong>

Getting someone to decide to cooperate with you can be a challenge. Experts have proposed many step-by-step methods for working through a disagreement. Like Thompson\u2019s, many of these methods hinge on using language carefully and respectfully when you address the issue. In Difficult Conversations<\/em><\/a>, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen write that the first step to understanding each other and solving a problem together is to find the \u201cthird story<\/a>\u201d: an objective version of events you can both agree on. 

To find the third story, you don\u2019t have to know the other person\u2019s entire history: You just have to focus on the difference between you (like the fact that while you prefer to wash the dishes right away, your roommate feels it\u2019s OK to leave them in the sink). You can use what the other person has said as their side of the story, ask them for their input, and then discuss the matter until you both agree on the third story. Next, the authors recommend inviting the other person to join you in finding a solution to the problem. You can\u2019t force them to cooperate, as Thompson points out. But, if you state your purpose<\/a>, they know what they\u2019re agreeing (or disagreeing) to participate in and realize they\u2019re making a decision. 

Similarly, in Crucial Accountability<\/em><\/a>, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, David Maxfield, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler write that you can resolve a disagreement while preserving your relationship with the other person if you approach the conversation carefully. They recommend that, once you\u2019ve established the issue and how you\u2019d like to resolve it, you can address barriers to that solution by explaining the negative consequences<\/a> that the other person might encounter by not cooperating. The goal isn\u2019t to frame the natural consequences as threats<\/a> or scare them into going along with your solution; instead, it\u2019s to inform the other person of what they might not know or realize<\/a>.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Do people respond negatively when you ask them to do something? Could it be because you’ve made them feel like you’re looking down on them? Perhaps you’re a parent trying to get your teenager to respect curfew, or you’re a manager pressing your employees to meet a deadline. George Thompson offers some tips on how to get people to cooperate without making them feel small. Keep reading for Thompson’s advice on how to stop being condescending when you’re communicating with others.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":125165,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,43],"tags":[1511],"class_list":["post-125156","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-self-improvement","tag-verbal-judo","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Stop Being Condescending: 5 Steps to Polite Persuasion - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"It's possible to get people to cooperate without making them feel small. 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