{"id":119434,"date":"2023-12-18T08:35:00","date_gmt":"2023-12-18T12:35:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=119434"},"modified":"2023-12-18T11:14:22","modified_gmt":"2023-12-18T15:14:22","slug":"the-asshole-survival-guide","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-asshole-survival-guide\/","title":{"rendered":"The Asshole Survival Guide by Robert Sutton (Book Overview)"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/feeling-helpless-in-life\/\">feel helpless<\/a> or angry when confronted with mean people? Do you wish you had better strategies for dealing with them?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>The Asshole Survival Guide<\/em> by Robert Sutton offers wisdom for dealing with jerks\u2014rude and tyrannical people of all kinds. Focusing primarily on bad behavior in the workplace, he argues that, with the right tools, you can take away a jerk\u2019s power, lessen their effect on you, and keep them from harming others.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Continue reading for an overview of this <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/practical-books\/\">practical book<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-overview-of-the-asshole-survival-guide-by-robert-sutton\">Overview of <em>The Asshole Survival Guide<\/em> by Robert Sutton<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harpercollins.com\/products\/the-asshole-survival-guide-robert-i-sutton?variant=39935330123810\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The Asshole Survival Guide<\/em><\/a> by Robert Sutton includes advice for identifying jerk behavior and knowing when you need to take action against jerks. We\u2019ll discuss approaches for dealing with jerks, including:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Removing yourself from their orbit<\/li><li>Reducing your interactions with them<\/li><li>Lessening their power over your mental state<\/li><li>Going on the offensive against them<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>Within each approach, we\u2019ll explore some of Sutton\u2019s actionable strategies for dealing with jerks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sutton is an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.snhu.edu\/about-us\/newsroom\/social-sciences\/what-is-i-o-psychology\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">organizational psychologist<\/a> and professor of management science at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.stanford.edu\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Stanford University\u2019s<\/a> School of Engineering. His research focuses on how workplaces can promote healthy dynamics and remove negative dynamics, improve performance, and foster innovation. He\u2019s published five other management books, including <a href=\"https:\/\/www.publishersweekly.com\/9780446526562\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The No Asshole Rule<\/em><\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.gsb.stanford.edu\/faculty-research\/books\/good-boss-bad-boss-how-be-best-learn-worst\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Good Boss, Bad Boss<\/em><\/a>, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.gsb.stanford.edu\/faculty-research\/books\/scaling-excellence-getting-more-without-settling-less\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Scaling Up Excellence<\/em><\/a>. He\u2019s also a fellow at the design and consulting firm <a href=\"https:\/\/www.ideo.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">IDEO<\/a>, and he\u2019s the cofounder of the <a href=\"https:\/\/vpge.stanford.edu\/resources\/stanford-technology-ventures\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Stanford Technology Ventures Program<\/a> and the <a href=\"https:\/\/dschool.stanford.edu\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Stanford Design Institute<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Identifying Jerks&nbsp;<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Sutton, you can encounter people who disrespect others anywhere, but these patterns are especially prevalent in the workplace. <strong>He defines these \u201cassholes\u201d (which we\u2019ll refer to as jerks) as people who regularly make you or someone else feel degraded, downtrodden, or otherwise upset.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>However, Sutton adds that there\u2019s no single set of traits or behaviors that fit this definition.<\/strong> Everyone has different things that bother them, so a person you perceive as a jerk may seem benign to someone else. For example, one person might find it offensive that their colleague always enters the office without saying hello to them, but another person might not even notice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We\u2019ll examine some of the research-backed ways that the behavior of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/assholes-at-work\/\">jerks at work<\/a> hurts the people around them. Then, we\u2019ll look at Sutton\u2019s system for determining whether a jerk\u2019s behavior needs to be addressed promptly or pardoned.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>The Consequences of Jerk Behavior<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Sutton, some people think you need to be a jerk to be successful at work. They believe it\u2019s every person for themselves, and you have to tear others down to get ahead. However, in almost every situation, disrespecting others just makes you an unpleasant person to be around. <strong>Additionally, there are many negative consequences of jerk behavior for the people who are direct victims of it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Extensive research shows that three consequences may occur when you\u2019re exposed to jerks at work:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Consequence #1: Damaged Mental and Physical Health<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>The author cites ample research suggesting that <strong>being around a jerk at work can profoundly damage your mental and physical health.<\/strong> These effects may include the following:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>High blood pressure&nbsp;<\/li><li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/low-mood-and-anxiety\/\">Anxiety and depression<\/a><\/li><li>Sleep issues<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Consequence #2: A Toxic Work Environment&nbsp;<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Sutton, <strong>having a jerk around often leads to more people becoming jerks in the workplace.<\/strong> Jerk behavior sows mistrust, lessens motivation, and prompts more serious issues like absenteeism.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Consequence #3: It\u2019s Harder to Do Your Job Well<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Sutton, studies suggest that <strong>people who experience degradation at work have a decreased ability to perform their jobs well.<\/strong> In this situation, you\u2019re less likely to be productive and creative. Additionally, you may find it more difficult to make good decisions, and you likely won\u2019t be as willing to put in extra effort to finish projects or assist coworkers.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>How to Tell When a Jerk Needs to Be Dealt With<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Given these unfortunate consequences of jerk behavior, it\u2019s important to learn how to deal with jerks when you come across them. Sutton states that the first step to handling jerk behavior is determining the full context of the situation\u2014sometimes, it\u2019s not worth it or necessary to take any action against the person behaving like a jerk. However, sometimes it\u2019s important to take action. If the situation meets the following characteristics, then you need to address the jerk behavior:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Characteristic #1: You\u2019re Exposed to the Jerk Behavior Long-Term<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Sutton says that when determining what to do in the face of jerk behavior, consider whether it\u2019s a pattern for the offender or an isolated incident.<\/strong> If someone is normally pleasant and courteous, you can most likely let their moment of rudeness pass. Everyone has bad days, and this can sometimes lead people to momentarily act like a jerk. For example, your coworker may brush you off because they\u2019re stressed that their child is sick at home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>However, if a person is frequently doing things to put others down or otherwise demean them, then you need to do something in response to protect yourself and the people around you.<\/strong> The longer you\u2019re exposed to the jerk behavior, the more likely you are to experience the adverse effects described above.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Likewise, if the jerk behavior was an isolated incident but its effect on you was long-term, it\u2019s worth addressing. Even if the behavior itself doesn\u2019t continue, the long-term effects cause the same issues as extended exposure. For example, say your boss is normally calm, but one time when you made a mistake, they yelled at you in front of the whole office. This only happened once, but it was humiliating and has made coming to work feel more difficult ever since.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Characteristic #2: You\u2019re Surrounded by Jerks<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>Sutton argues that a couple of jerks in a workplace that\u2019s otherwise populated with nice people probably aren\u2019t that big of a deal. The jerks will likely have no significant power or influence over others if they\u2019re surrounded by nice, courteous people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However, if the culture of the organization promotes the proliferation of jerks so that you\u2019re surrounded by them, you\u2019re much more likely to experience negative effects from their behavior. Therefore, you need to take action to protect yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Characteristic #3: They Have Real Power Over You<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Sutton, <strong>a jerk with nobody to support them and no real power over you or anyone else in the organization probably won\u2019t be able to cause too much trouble.<\/strong> If you oversee the jerk and <em>have<\/em> to deal with them, you can likely implement consequences that discourage their bad behavior.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, suppose you\u2019re a team leader with an employee who consistently interrupts and belittles others in meetings. As their supervisor, you can pull them aside, let them know why their behavior is unacceptable, and offer guidance for better ways to communicate. If their behavior doesn\u2019t improve, you have the authority to write them up or otherwise discipline them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>However, some people have a moderate amount of power and enjoy using it to mistreat others.<\/strong> They have just enough influence to seriously affect the well-being of others, but they don\u2019t have as much as they want. Therefore, they take out their frustration on the people they <em>can <\/em>control. Dealing with these jerks may require a more nuanced, careful approach, as they can actually make decisions that affect your job.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, say your manager has been at the company for 15 years, but he\u2019s been passed over for further promotions for a long time. This makes him feel cheated, and he\u2019s always trying to impress the higher-ups to get the recognition he thinks he deserves. Therefore, he micromanages you and the rest of his team because he\u2019s obsessed with making himself look good and doesn\u2019t want his subordinates to make mistakes. Likewise, he takes credit anytime one of you does something well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Dealing With Jerks<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Just as there\u2019s no one definition of what makes someone a jerk, there\u2019s no one way to deal with a jerk. You must judge for yourself what strategies will <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/melania-trumps-be-best\/\">be best<\/a> depending on the situation and the people involved. We\u2019ll discuss the approaches Sutton details based on the amount of interaction required with the jerk. For each subsequent approach, the level of interaction increases:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Leaving the jerk\u2019s environment entirely<\/li><li>Reducing your interactions as much as possible<\/li><li>Lessening the jerk\u2019s power over your mental state<\/li><li>Fighting back with offensive tactics<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Approach #1: Remove Yourself Entirely From the Jerk\u2019s Environment&nbsp;<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Sutton argues that <strong>one of the best ways to deal with chronic jerk behavior is to get away from the person entirely.<\/strong> This might mean moving to a different company, moving to a different location, or switching jobs within the same company so you\u2019re under a different boss. Being entirely out of the jerk\u2019s orbit prevents you from experiencing damaging encounters with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Strategy: Avoid Forming New Professional Connections With Jerks<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>Sutton argues that <strong>when possible, you should avoid entering into connections with jerks in the first place.<\/strong> If you\u2019re never involved with them, you don\u2019t have to go through the trouble of confronting them or planning a careful escape. Additionally, you don\u2019t have to experience the emotional stress of engaging with them.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To avoid jerks, pay attention to how new business connections\u2014whether they\u2019re potential coworkers, bosses, clients, and so on\u2014interact with and talk about the people they already work with. If they\u2019re respectful to both you and their existing colleagues, they\u2019ll likely be fine later on. However, if they\u2019re nice to you but rude, condescending, or dismissive toward other people, they\u2019ll probably eventually turn on you too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>You can also tell if someone\u2019s a jerk by talking to people who have worked with them before.<\/strong> If those people have a lot of negative things to say about working with the person in question, then it\u2019s best to avoid entering into a new professional relationship with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Approach #2: Reduce Your Interactions With the Jerk<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes, it\u2019s too difficult to avoid a jerk entirely\u2014for example, maybe you can\u2019t afford to switch jobs. <strong>In such cases, Sutton suggests reducing your interactions with the jerk as much as possible.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Strategy: Separate Yourself From the Jerk Physically<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>Sutton argues that <strong>if you have to work with a jerk, you should create as much physical distance from them as possible.<\/strong> Research shows that this works because you\u2019re much more likely to interact with someone using all forms of communication if they\u2019re physically closer to you.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Therefore, if you distance yourself from a jerk, you won\u2019t have to engage with them as much, and they\u2019ll have a lesser effect on your mental well-being. It\u2019ll also be less likely that their jerk behavior will rub off on you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The farther you can move away from the jerk, the better\u2014try working in a different building, on a different floor, or on the other side of the office. At the very least, move your desk so you\u2019re not in their immediate vicinity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Approach #3: Lessen the Jerk\u2019s Power Over Your Mental State<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Sutton, sometimes distancing yourself isn\u2019t possible\u2014you may be forced to work closely with jerks for extended periods. <strong>When a lot of interaction with a jerk is inevitable, you can lessen the jerk\u2019s power over your mental state by changing your mindset.<\/strong> In doing so, you can protect yourself from the negative effects of their behavior even if you\u2019re frequently exposed.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The best way to do this is through the cognitive behavioral technique of <em>reframing<\/em>\u2014taking a negative thought and reworking it into something more neutral or positive. Reframing is based on the psychological premise that your thoughts dictate how you feel and act. If you can <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/change-your-thoughts\/\">change your thoughts<\/a> about a situation\u2014like a jerk\u2019s rude behavior\u2014then you can change how you respond.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Strategy #1: Focus on What You Can Learn<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>Sutton offers several strategies for reframing jerk behavior so it mentally affects you less. <strong>First, try focusing on anything you might gain from your interactions with the jerk.<\/strong> Is there a bright side to the situation you can find? If you can find a positive element, it can help you look back at a situation and feel better about it or get through a long-term connection with a rude, disrespectful person.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, maybe your boss seems nice at first but turns out to be emotionally manipulative and narcissistic with poor personal boundaries. The bright side of that situation might be that your experience with this boss taught you the warning signs of narcissistic, abusive behavior. Therefore, you can more easily avoid working with similar people in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Strategy #2: Find a Way to Empathize<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Alternatively, you might try finding a way to empathize with the jerk so you can eventually forgive them.<\/strong> Research shows that forgiveness benefits the person who was hurt because it allows them to move on from the situation. Forgiving thoughts can lessen the physiological <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/stress-response-in-the-body\/\">stress response<\/a> and alleviate sadness and anger. This doesn\u2019t mean accepting or excusing the jerk\u2019s behavior\u2014it just means letting go of your resentment toward it, which only hurts you.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, say your fellow supervisor frequently yells at her employees, and this causes morale problems among the staff. Your higher-ups won\u2019t do anything about it, so you have to continue working with her. Instead of developing a simmering resentment toward her, you try to empathize with the fact that she felt she had to become aggressive to work her way up through the company, even if she\u2019s misguided. This allows you to forgive (though not excuse) her shortcomings and work with her productively.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Approach #4: Go on the Offensive Against the Jerk<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Finally, Sutton states that <strong>sometimes, the only way to deal with a jerk is to go on the offensive against them.<\/strong> This might mean confronting them directly or getting people with more power than you to address their behavior.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Whatever your method, tread carefully\u2014if the jerk finds out that you\u2019re moving against them, they might retaliate and cause more problems for you. Therefore, it\u2019s important to pause, consider your options, and ask for input from others before making any decisions about your approach. There are three primary considerations to address before you decide how to go against the jerk:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Consideration #1:How much influence does the jerk have over you?<\/strong> The more control they have, the more careful you need to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Consideration #2: Do you have concrete evidence to support your claims against the jerk?<\/strong> The more documentation you have of their bad behavior\u2014such as emails, text messages, notes, videos, and so on\u2014the more credible you\u2019ll seem. This prevents the issue from devolving into your word against theirs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Consideration #3:<\/strong> <strong>Are there other people who can join in confronting the jerk?<\/strong> The more people you have supporting you, the more influence and credibility you have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here are two of Sutton\u2019s specific strategies for combating jerk behavior directly:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Strategy #1: Calmly Explain the Problem With Their Behavior<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Sutton, in some instances,<strong> <\/strong>calmly pulling the person exhibiting jerk behavior aside and <strong>explaining how they\u2019re negatively affecting everyone else can halt the worst of the problems.<\/strong> This strategy is best used for people who generally have good intentions and aren\u2019t aware that their behavior is hurting others.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, say your coworker frequently makes others feel stupid by shooting them down when they ask questions or make suggestions. You\u2019re friends, so you pull him aside to let him know that he\u2019s offended many people with his attitude. He\u2019s taken aback and embarrassed by unknowingly hurting others, and he promises to be more conscious of his tone and approach in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Strategy #2: Harness the Power of Humor and Sarcasm<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>For jerks who won\u2019t respond well to a calm, direct approach, Sutton suggests using humor and sarcasm to more subtly put them in their place.<\/strong> Using humor allows you to hit back at their behavior with your own insults while still being socially acceptable. It takes away some of their power when people can laugh at them and shows that you\u2019ll push back against them. However, be careful with this tactic, as it can start a dangerous cycle of mudslinging between you and the jerk. They might want to get you back if you humiliate them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, say you\u2019re assigned to work with a notorious bully on a project, and she immediately starts changing your work without your permission. You might confront her by saying, in front of your manager and the rest of the team, \u201cHey, I noticed you\u2019ve been very interested in my work lately\u2014changing it and deleting it. I appreciate your enthusiasm, and I\u2019m sorry to disappoint you, but your attempts are futile. You see, I have a secret weapon that protects my work from your changes: It\u2019s called version history.\u201d This approach maintains levity while undermining her and exposing her bad behavior to everyone else.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you feel helpless or angry when confronted with mean people? Do you wish you had better strategies for dealing with them? The Asshole Survival Guide by Robert Sutton offers wisdom for dealing with jerks\u2014rude and tyrannical people of all kinds. Focusing primarily on bad behavior in the workplace, he argues that, with the right tools, you can take away a jerk\u2019s power, lessen their effect on you, and keep them from harming others.&nbsp; Continue reading for an overview of this practical book.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":119440,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[40,9,30],"tags":[1348],"class_list":["post-119434","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-books","category-psychology","category-work","tag-the-asshole-survival-guide","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The Asshole Survival Guide by Robert Sutton (Book Overview) - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The Asshole Survival Guide by Robert Sutton has advice for spotting jerk behavior in the workplace and taking action when needed. 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