{"id":119099,"date":"2023-12-12T11:57:00","date_gmt":"2023-12-12T15:57:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=119099"},"modified":"2023-12-14T11:59:22","modified_gmt":"2023-12-14T15:59:22","slug":"emotional-suppression","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/emotional-suppression\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Stop Emotional Suppression: Embrace Your Feelings"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What are the consequences of emotional suppression? What are some ways to accept your emotions<\/a>, even if they\u2019re negative?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The act of suppressing your emotions<\/a> happens when you avoid or distract yourself from uncomfortable feelings. When you don\u2019t let yourself experience negative emotions\u2014such as guilt, frustration, and grief\u2014you might channel those emotions into unhealthy habits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Below we\u2019ll explore the consequences of emotional suppression and how to allow yourself to feel uneasy emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

What Happens When You Suppress Your Emotions<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In Rising Strong<\/em><\/a>, Bren\u00e9 Brown explains that emotional setbacks<\/a> such as disappointment, grief, heartbreak, and failure are valuable, natural parts of life. Despite being painful, they\u2019re an opportunity to develop emotional resilience, deepen your understanding of yourself and others, and grow. <\/strong>In turn, these benefits lead to a more stable state of wholeheartedness\u2014but to reap them, you must confront your pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many people avoid confronting negative emotions and instead try to push through or ignore their pain in a state of emotional suppression. They do so because this confrontation can be scary and painful. However, avoidance causes people to first repress their emotions, and then release them (often subconsciously) through unhealthy behaviors that often harm themselves and others.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are four consequences of suppressing your emotions, which we\u2019ll discuss below.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consequence #1: Emotional Triggers<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

According to Brown, when something happens that causes us pain, and we repress rather than confront that pain, our brains form a trigger: Whenever a similar situation happens in the future that reminds us of the original experience, our repressed pain is triggered. This phenomenon often causes us to overreact to situations and can damage our well-being and relationships<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, imagine that you felt unimportant as a teenager because your parents never attended important events in your life like sports games and school concerts. You never confront that emotional pain<\/a>, so as an adult, you get irrationally upset and lash out when people don\u2019t give you the support you desire<\/em>. So, you blow up at your friend because, while they usually attend your choir concerts, they can\u2019t make it on one occasion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consequence #2: Addiction<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Brown explains that <\/strong>many people rely on substances and intense experiences (like thrill-seeking) to avoid or numb their pain with a temporary happiness<\/a> boost. However, these substances and experiences don\u2019t resolve the pain, so when the happiness boost wears off, they crave another quick fix. This is how addictions form.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, you might start eating junk food to numb the pain of a breakup. While junk food doesn\u2019t get rid of the pain, it temporarily distracts you from your emotions\u2014so, you form a habit<\/a> of eating junk food whenever you feel upset. Now, you\u2019re addicted to junk food as a self-soothing tactic\u2014even after<\/em> the breakup pain passes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consequence #3: Burnout<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

When we continually repress and ignore painful emotions, the accumulated hurt eventually causes our bodies to stop functioning properly<\/strong>. Brown explains that we become overwhelmed with anxiety and depression<\/a> and can\u2019t perform basic functions like eating, sleeping, and working. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, imagine you\u2019re turned down for your dream job<\/a>, your partner breaks up with you, and your friends are growing distant. These situations have all made you feel disappointed and unworthy, but rather than facing your feelings and identifying how you can handle them, you pretend you don\u2019t care. The bottled-up emotions accumulate, causing your self-esteem to drop and depression to set in\u2014you start to shut down. You stop caring about things that used to be important to you, like advancing your career<\/a>, and you feel too dejected to perform basic tasks like eating healthy and socializing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consequence #4: Blame and Anger<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Brown explains that <\/strong>avoiding pain can lead to blame and anger due to the influence of our egos. The ego constantly urges us to be stronger and better than others, and it encourages the belief that pain is a form of weakness that makes us \u201clesser.\u201d To avoid acknowledging our pain (and therefore our apparent weakness), the ego encourages us to instead release our emotions by getting angry and blaming others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, your spouse decided not to attend an award ceremony that was important to you because they weren\u2019t feeling well. This made you feel unimportant. Instead of admitting that their actions hurt you, you give your spouse the cold shoulder for the rest of the week and start petty fights to take out your anger on them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Prevent Yourself From Suppressing Emotions<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The good news is that you don\u2019t have to resort to emotional suppression to manage your emotions<\/a>. Instead, you can take the steps to identify your emotions and feel them in real time so you don\u2019t suppress your emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 1: Label Your Emotions<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The first step to overcoming emotional suppression is <\/strong>labeling<\/a> your emotions<\/em>\u2014that is, using honest, specific language to describe what you\u2019re feeling. <\/strong>In Emotional Agility<\/em><\/a>, Susan <\/strong>David argues that the combination of honesty and specificity forces you to understand the exact nature of your emotions, no matter how uncomfortable. Otherwise, you might feel tempted to ignore them or to use vague words to avoid painful vulnerability. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, you might carry a decades-old burden of shame for never completing your education. You\u2019ve previously talked about these feelings in a way that lacks specificity: \u201cI wish I\u2019d done things differently\u2019 in life.\u201d Based on this generality, you think <\/em>a career change will make you feel better\u2014but this doesn\u2019t address your feelings of shame and therefore doesn\u2019t help. On the other hand, labeling your emotions<\/a> precisely might mean saying, \u201cFor decades, I\u2019ve regretted dropping out of college. I\u2019ve felt shame for failing and wasting my parents\u2019 money. Every day since then, I feel sick at the mention of school or career growth.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 2: Accept All Your Thoughts and Feelings<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Oliver Burkeman explains that happiness doesn\u2019t come from experiencing only positive emotions but from accepting <\/strong>all<\/em><\/strong> your thoughts and feelings<\/a>, even the seemingly negative ones<\/strong>. This approach helps you avoid the unproductive cycles of forced positivity and self-blame that cause emotional suppression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Burkeman\u2019s book The Antidote<\/em><\/a> suggests three methods to help you accept your thoughts and feelings:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Practice mindful observation:<\/strong> Observe your thoughts<\/a> and emotions impartially, without judgment or attachment. Noticing your thoughts without becoming entangled in them cultivates acceptance. For example, if the thought \u201cI am not good enough\u201d surfaces, simply acknowledge it and let the thought drift away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Examine your judgments:<\/strong> Burkeman says you should acknowledge that experiences aren\u2019t inherently positive or negative; it\u2019s your judgments that shape your emotional response. This realization fosters acceptance by helping you perceive experiences more neutrally. For example, seeing a traffic jam as an occurrence rather than an inconvenience eliminates the negative connotation and reduces frustration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Shift to preference-based thinking: <\/strong>Burkeman recommends reframing wants and wishes from being absolute needs to preferences to reduce the stress and disappointment you feel when things don\u2019t go as planned. For example, reframe \u201cI must always have a clean home\u201d to \u201cI prefer a clean home but it\u2019s OK if it\u2019s not always organized\u201d to alleviate distress over occasional disorder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 3: View Your Emotions Objectively<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

To fully accept your emotions, you must also view them objectively. This means you must be self-aware of your emotions and how they\u2019re making you act. When you\u2019re able to look at your emotions\u2014and the narratives they come from\u2014from a rational, objective standpoint, you\u2019ll be able to see the flaws in your narrative and your emotional reactions to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves\u2019s Emotional Intelligence 2.0<\/em><\/a> offers several tactics to view your emotions from an objective standpoint.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tactic #1: Don\u2019t identify your emotions as \u201cgood\u201d or \u201cbad.\u201d <\/strong>Emotions aren\u2019t \u201cgood\u201d or \u201cbad.\u201d Judging a feeling only puts more emotions (such as shame or pride) on top of that feeling. This keeps your original emotion from developing and muddies your current emotional state. When you feel an emotional reaction coming to the surface, identify it and reserve judgment. This lets the emotion arise and fade away without further complication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, you\u2019re frustrated with an assignment at work and immediately label that emotion as bad. This introduces new negative emotions into the mix. You may feel guilty for having a \u201cbad\u201d emotion towards work that you enjoy. You may get angry that you\u2019re allowing yourself to get frustrated. Rather than just letting the frustration emerge and move on, you\u2019re complicating your situation and lengthening the amount of time that it will take for your emotions to settle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tactic #2: Don\u2019t let a \u201cbad mood\u201d dictate your behavior or decisions. <\/strong>If you allow your mood to cloud your perspective, you can lose control of your emotions and spiral quickly. When a bad mood arises, remind yourself that this mood is temporary. If you allow your bad mood to run its course, it will pass eventually. When in a bad mood, try not to make important decisions<\/a> as your emotional state will likely influence your decision-making<\/a> process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tactic #3: Don\u2019t let a \u201cgood mood\u201d dictate your behavior or decisions. <\/strong>Good moods can corrupt your perspective just as much as bad moods. Good moods create rose-colored glasses that prevent you from objectively assessing decisions and may lead you to rush into things without thinking them through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For instance, your favorite online retailer is running a 50% off sale. You excitedly add things to your cart and click the order button without thinking about it. However, once you look at your bank account and realize that you should not have spent that money on online purchases, reality comes crashing back in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tactic #4: Know your triggers. <\/strong>Everyone has people and behaviors that push their buttons. Knowing what sparks an emotional response from you allows you to strategize for those situations. Be specific when noting your triggers. Identify people, activities, and environments that irk you. Then, mentally prepare yourself for those situations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To take this to the next level, begin to explore the roots of your frustration. This helps you control your reactions when emotions arise. <\/em>Ask yourself:<\/p>\n\n\n\n