Why is asking questions important? What are some ways to ask questions without overwhelming your conversation partner?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If people never asked questions, we\u2019d likely never make breakthroughs. On a smaller scale, questions open opportunities for further discussion that\u2019ll teach you more about other people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Read more about why asking questions is important<\/a>, from learning new things to avoiding assumptions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n In A More Beautiful Question<\/em><\/a>, Warren Berger explains that asking questions is important because it\u2019s the basis of learning. <\/strong>If your question has a concrete answer\u2014whether it\u2019s as simple as \u201cWhat\u2019s one plus one?\u201d or as complex as \u201cHow does nuclear fission work?\u201d\u2014then you\u2019ll learn something new once you find that answer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n However, Berger points out that not all questions have straightforward answers. Searching for answers to those more nebulous questions is the basis of creativity.<\/strong> If your question doesn\u2019t have a concrete answer (like, \u201cHow can I express my feelings through art?\u201d) or the answer hasn\u2019t been fully discovered yet (such as, \u201cWhat is dark matter<\/a>?\u201d) that same curiosity might drive you to create a new painting or make a new scientific breakthrough. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In fact, Berger says that the questions we ask are often more important than the answers we find. In the modern world, anyone with internet access can find factual answers to just about any question. However, mere facts are useless by themselves; you need to ask the right follow-up questions to find out how to <\/strong>use<\/em><\/strong> those facts to your advantage.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, suppose you\u2019re a CEO and you want to find out how a competitor is doing. You could get an answer in moments simply by looking up your rival company\u2019s stock price. The more difficult\u2014and more important\u2014question is why <\/em>the price is what it is. If your rival\u2019s stock prices suddenly jumped or fell, what did the company do recently to cause that change? What could you do to copy its successes or avoid its mistakes? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Conversations can become stale and awkward if you run out of things to talk about. That\u2019s why asking questions is important in conversations\u2014by showing curiosity to your conversation partner, you\u2019re showing interest in an open discussion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to The Fine Art of Small Talk<\/em><\/a> by Debra Fine, a conversation flows best when you create opportunities for your partner to share details you can explore more deeply. Therefore, you must ask your conversational partner open-ended questions that demand more than a one-word answer.<\/strong> Show interest and encourage them to talk about themselves: The more your partner gives you, Fine says, the more you\u2019ll have to talk about later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If your question elicits a one-word answer, ask another open-ended question.<\/strong> For example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, Fine includes a caveat to this recommendation: Don\u2019t push topics your partner doesn\u2019t seem willing to engage in.<\/strong> You\u2019re not here to interrogate them: Let them decide how much they\u2019re comfortable saying. If they give a short answer and then steer the conversation elsewhere, Fine recommends you respect that and join them in the direction they\u2019ve chosen. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Another way to keep conversations going is to follow up with additional open-ended questions. This is where Fine\u2019s recommendation that you show interest in your partner\u2019s answers yields fruit: When you pay attention to their responses, you\u2019ll notice interesting details you can use to deepen the conversation.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n You can choose follow-up questions based on any of the following:<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. Anything they\u2019ve mentioned so far<\/strong>\u2014did anything about their previous answers intrigue or interest you? Did they seem particularly proud of anything they brought up?<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. Things they\u2019re wearing,<\/strong> particularly those that denote group membership.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. Their achievements, trophies, and ornaments<\/strong>, especially those they display prominently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4. The location or occasion.<\/strong> When all else fails, you can always ask someone what brings them here, who they know and how they met them, or how they\u2019re feeling about the event.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 5. Their behavior, traits, or quirks<\/strong>. Fine suggests that the way someone speaks or writes can offer you opportunities for small talk\u2014but be careful; it\u2019s easy to offend someone this way. For example, don\u2019t ask someone who seems to speak with a foreign accent \u201cWhere are you really from?<\/a>\u201d Maybe they\u2019re from the city you\u2019re in and only picked up the accent from their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Another reason why asking questions is important is because they can help you win a negotiation, especially in a business setting. In Never Split the Difference<\/em><\/a>, Chris Voss and Tahl Raz note that as a good negotiator, your goal is to give your counterpart the illusion of control and lead them to your preferred outcome (while letting them think it\u2019s <\/strong>their<\/em><\/strong> idea). <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n But how do you make them think they\u2019re in the driver\u2019s seat? Voss says you do this by asking open-ended \u201chow\u201d or \u201cwhat\u201d questions. These kinds of questions ask the other person for help in coming up with solutions, which gets them to start seeing the situation from your point of view. It’s the first step in dissolving the confrontational, win-lose dynamic that too many negotiations naturally fall into. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, if you\u2019re confronted with a price that\u2019s too high or an unreasonably low offer, respond with a simple, \u201cHow can I do that?\u201d These straightforward, yet seemingly innocuous questions can be the golden key in a negotiation<\/strong>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Voss recommends other good open-ended questions like, \u201cHow do you expect me to be able to follow through on that?\u201d or \u201cWhat are you hoping to accomplish?\u201d Voss notes that these \u201chow\u201d or \u201cwhat\u201d questions are different from more accusatory questions that begin with more loaded words like \u201cwhy.\u201d \u201cWhy\u201d can be a very problematic word in negotiations, warns Voss. \u201cWhy\u201d puts the onus on your counterpart, shines a light on them, and makes them feel like they\u2019re in the hot seat\u2014which takes them out of their comfort zone and into a place where they\u2019re no longer in control. This is exactly where Voss says you don\u2019t <\/em>want them to be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, think of the enormously different emotional weight between a non-open-ended \u201cwhy\u201d question like \u201cWhy would you say that?\u201d and an open-ended \u201cwhat\u201d question like \u201cWhat makes you say that?\u201d The former is accusatory and borderline hostile; the latter is empathetic, welcoming of insight, and devoid of any emotional sting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Voss, the main reason why asking questions is important is that they put your counterpart to work helping <\/strong>you.<\/em><\/strong> <\/em>When you ask an open-ended \u201chow\u201d or \u201cwhat\u201d question, you\u2019re putting the other person in a position where they\u2019re <\/em>providing solutions to your <\/em>problems. In doing so, you\u2019re leading them along to the conclusion that you want them to reach\u2014all the while convincing them that your desired solution is their <\/em>idea. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This also helps with the implementation of the decision. Your counterpart will buy into it and commit to it because they\u2019ll think they <\/em>came up with it. In this scenario, they\u2019re the teacher and you\u2019re the student. This gives them a powerful feeling of being in charge. But you\u2019re<\/em><\/strong> really in control as the listener, because they\u2019re giving <\/strong>you <\/em><\/strong>the<\/strong> <\/em><\/strong>information you need.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Voss writes that <\/strong>open-ended questions also prompt longer answers from your counterpart\u2014which, in turn, reveal key information. Your counterpart might reveal what they really <\/em>desire out of a negotiation or what a potential dealbreaker might be. They might also reveal the challenges they face in actually delivering <\/em>on the terms you\u2019re negotiating (like, for example, a salesperson whose boss won\u2019t allow them to sell you an item for under a certain amount). <\/p>\n\n\n\n No magic equation of compatibility guarantees that you and your partner will stay together. However, there’s a tried and true way to make sure your relationship grows stronger over time. Relationships last when both people support the evolution and growth of their partner<\/strong>, as individuals and as a couple. The authors of Eight Dates<\/em><\/a> argue that to support each other\u2019s growth, you and your partner need to set aside time to continue learning about each other through intentional conversation and open-ended questions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n While there are many ways to learn about your partner, the authors advocate for the power of a weekly date night. They define a date as a designated time that you get together with your partner to connect, talk, and learn more about one another (watching Netflix on the couch together doesn\u2019t count).<\/p>\n\n\n\n Consider asking the following questions based on the purpose of the date:<\/p>\n\n\n\n When you spend too much time thinking about what others think about you, it\u2019s common to assume the worst. If you don\u2019t check into it, you can\u2019t know how others feel, and you run the risk of acting based on how you think they feel rather than how they actually feel. That\u2019s why asking questions is important in a space where you can\u2019t quite read the room. Jack Canfield\u2019s book <\/strong>The Success Principles<\/em><\/strong><\/a> says to check in with the person you\u2019re wondering about so you can learn the facts and act accordingly.<\/strong> By asking them a question, you may find out their behavior has nothing to do with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, during one of Canfield\u2019s seminars, he could see a participant whose body language<\/a> indicated he wasn\u2019t enjoying himself: The participant had his arms crossed and a displeased expression. Canfield approached him during the first break to check in. He explained what he saw and asked if there was anything he could do to improve the presentation. The participant replied that he was greatly enjoying the presentation but was feeling under the weather, and it was taking all of his energy to concentrate. Canfield felt proud of himself for checking in with the man and not letting himself be consumed for the whole presentation by whether the participant was enjoying himself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Checking in can also help set clear expectations for the future. For example, instead of assuming your coworker knows when you expect them to turn in their report, ask them directly for verbal confirmation that they\u2019re okay with the specific deadline you have in mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Success Principles<\/em><\/a> also says asking questions is important because it can help you succeed in your career and achieve your goals<\/a> in two ways:<\/p>\n\n\n\n1. Questions Encourage Learning<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
2. Questions Open Communication<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
How to Follow Up on Cues With Additional Questions<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. Questions Can Win Negotiations<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Put Them to Work for You<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. Questions Build Relationships<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
The <\/strong>Eight Dates<\/em><\/strong> Questions<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. Questions Avoid Assumptions<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
6. Questions Advance Your Career<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n