{"id":116767,"date":"2023-11-01T15:14:00","date_gmt":"2023-11-01T19:14:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=116767"},"modified":"2023-11-06T14:49:09","modified_gmt":"2023-11-06T18:49:09","slug":"stop-trying-to-be-happy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/stop-trying-to-be-happy\/","title":{"rendered":"Stop Trying to Be Happy: Forced Positivity Tends to Backfire"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you use positive <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/affirmation-and-visualization-7-habits\/\">affirmations<\/a>? Do you struggle to keep negative feelings at bay?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Oliver Burkeman contends that you should stop trying to be happy by forcing positive thoughts. He says that doing so only exacerbates negative feelings; it doesn&#8217;t make them go away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Read more to learn how forcing happiness can have the opposite result.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-stop-trying-to-be-happy\">Stop Trying to Be Happy<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Burkeman argues that you should stop trying to be happy if that means thinking only positive thoughts. He notes that this can, ironically, cause you to experience more negative emotions. He explains that trying to focus only on positive thoughts\u2014for example, by using positive affirmations or visualizations\u2014requires you to suppress and ignore, rather than address, negative <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/thoughts-feelings-and-behaviors\/\">thoughts and feelings<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However, ignoring negative thoughts doesn\u2019t eradicate them. Instead, <strong>these thoughts simmer and grow in the shadows of your mind, creating internal conflict between what you <em>really<\/em> feel and what you think you <em>should<\/em> feel<\/strong>. And, the moment you feel too stressed out or tired to maintain your positive state of mind, these negative thoughts resurface with more intensity, creating more distress than you felt before you tried to suppress them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Tony Robbins (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/awaken-the-giant-within\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Awaken the Giant Within<\/em><\/a>) expands on what Burkeman says by explaining that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/awaken-the-giant-within\/chapter-8#reject-disempowering-ways-of-addressing-your-emotions\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><strong>the more you try to avoid negative thoughts and emotions, the more likely you are to behave in ways that exacerbate your emotional pain<\/strong><\/a>. For example, you might avoid situations that could trigger negativity, which means you miss out on potentially<em> meaningful <\/em>emotions and experiences. Or, you might pretend not to feel your negative emotions because you don\u2019t think you <em>should <\/em>be feeling them. Eventually, they become so intense that they blow up in an irrational outburst.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-you-blame-yourself-for-your-negative-feelings\">You Blame Yourself for Your Negative Feelings<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Burkeman states that, <strong>when negative thoughts and feelings inevitably surface<\/strong>,<strong> you assume that your emotional distress is your fault<\/strong>\u2014if only you could maintain a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-have-a-positive-mindset\/\">positive mindset<\/a>, you wouldn\u2019t feel this way. This self-judgment creates two effects: First, it adds a layer of guilt and inadequacy to your already negative state of mind. Second, it perpetuates a destructive cycle where guilt for not maintaining constant positivity pushes you to strive even harder for it, often exacerbating the very thoughts and feelings you\u2019re trying to avoid.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, you feel anxious about a work presentation because you doubt your competence. To quell your anxiety, you force yourself to think positively about your capabilities. However, this only deepens the rift between your genuine feelings of inadequacy and the positive front you\u2019re putting on. This, in turn, amplifies your initial anxiety <em>and<\/em> adds negative self-judgment for not being positive enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong><em>Identifying<\/em> With Negative Thoughts and Feelings Fuels Self-Blame<\/strong><br><br>According to clinical psychologists, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/friendship-20\/202103\/hidden-cause-anxiety-your-thoughts-about-your-thoughts\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">you\u2019re likely to exacerbate self-judgment&nbsp; if you identify with your negative feelings<\/a> by saying, \u201cI am [the thought or feeling]\u201d\u2014for example, \u201cI\u2019m scared,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m sad.\u201d Such identification intertwines your negative thoughts and feelings with your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/self-image-psychology\/\">self-perception<\/a>.<br><br>Let\u2019s look at three ways identifying with these feelings might intensify self-blame:<br><br>\u2022 Because you view these negative thoughts and feelings as inherent facets of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/your-genius\/\">who you are<\/a>, you feel powerless to disentangle yourself from them. For example, \u201cI\u2019m sad; that&#8217;s just the way I am.&#8221;<br><br>\u2022 Challenging these negative thoughts and emotions feels like an attack on who you are, resulting in self-judgment. For example, \u201cI\u2019m sad, so there must be something inherently wrong with me.&#8221;<br><br>\u2022 When your negative thoughts and emotions persist or intensify, you internalize the blame, thinking, \u201cI failed\u201d instead of, \u201cMy approach failed.\u201d For example, \u201cI\u2019m always sad because I\u2019m incapable of thinking happy thoughts.&#8221;<br><br>Instead of identifying with your negative thoughts and feelings, reframe them as temporary experiences. For example, \u201cI feel sad right now.\u201d<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Exercise: How Does Positive Thinking Affect Your Happiness?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Burkeman, believing that thinking positively is the <em>only<\/em> way to achieve <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/happiness-and-success\/\">happiness and success<\/a> can make you <em>less<\/em> happy. In this exercise, explore how forcing yourself to be positive, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/chasing-success\/\">pursuing success<\/a> goals, and grasping for control may undermine your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/happiness-and-wellness\/\">well-being and happiness<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Describe a recent situation where you tried to force yourself to think positively. How did this attempt influence your emotional state\u2014did it alleviate or exacerbate your negative feelings about the situation?<\/li><li>Consider a goal you\u2019re determined to achieve. Write down any ways in which pursuing this goal might have led to negative consequences or caused you to miss opportunities in other areas of your life.<\/li><li>Recall a time when you tried to micromanage every detail of a situation to avoid discomfort or uncertainty. Describe this situation, how you attempted to control it, and the effects on your anxiety and stress.<\/li><li>Based on your reflections above, which would benefit you more\u2014thinking positively, exploring Burkeman&#8217;s alternative approaches, or trying a bit of both? Explain your reasoning.<\/li><\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you use positive affirmations? Do you struggle to keep negative feelings at bay? Oliver Burkeman contends that you should stop trying to be happy by forcing positive thoughts. He says that doing so only exacerbates negative feelings; it doesn&#8217;t make them go away. Read more to learn how forcing happiness can have the opposite result.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":91452,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,43],"tags":[1313],"class_list":["post-116767","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-self-improvement","tag-the-antidote","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Stop Trying to Be Happy: Forced Positivity Tends to Backfire - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Oliver Burkeman contends that you should stop trying to be happy by forcing positive thoughts. 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