{"id":114668,"date":"2023-09-27T22:18:00","date_gmt":"2023-09-28T02:18:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=114668"},"modified":"2023-10-06T12:56:37","modified_gmt":"2023-10-06T16:56:37","slug":"the-book-you-wish-your-parents-had-read-quotes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-book-you-wish-your-parents-had-read-quotes\/","title":{"rendered":"The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read\u2014Quotes to Ponder"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What’s the core of parenting? What do your parents have to do with the way you parent your kids? What’s “fact tennis”?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Philippa Perry is a British psychotherapist, writer, and TV and radio presenter. She worked in the mental health field for 20 years before being published. And, she raised a daughter. In The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read<\/em>, she shares her wisdom with other parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading for The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read<\/em> quotes that provide insights into the book.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read<\/em> Quotes<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read<\/em>, Philippa Perry offers guidance for strengthening your bonds with your child and raising an emotionally secure individual. She argues that you can improve your parent-child relationship no matter your child\u2019s age by examining how your<\/em> parents\u2019 style of parenting impacts your own, listening to your child, and meeting them with respect and understanding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We’ve collected five The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read<\/em> quotes and provided them along with some context and explanation to help you understand and apply Perry’s ideas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe core of parenting is the relationship you have with your child. If people were plants, the relationship would be the soil. The relationship supports, nurtures, allows growth\u2014or inhibits it. Without a relationship they can lean on, a child\u2019s sense of their security is compromised. You want the relationship to be a source of strength for your child\u2014and, one day, for their children too.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

According to Perry, you shouldn\u2019t view a child as someone to manage but rather as an individual with whom you plan to maintain a close bond for the rest of your life. Maintaining this bond full of love and connection requires you to regularly confront your emotions, understand how your past affects your present, and recognize how your actions affect your child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to attachment theory<\/a>, babies are born with the ability to bond with other humans, and they take their cues for how to do this from their parents. The way their parents interact with them in this early stage of life\u2014when they\u2019re learning how<\/em> bonds are formed\u2014determines how they\u2019ll relate to others throughout their lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you\u2019re consistently offered affection, fed, comforted, and attended to as a baby, you tend to form a secure attachment style<\/a>. You grow up able to trust and connect with others<\/a>, and you believe in people\u2019s goodness. This generally makes relationships and other aspects of life much easier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhatever age your child is, they are liable to remind you, on a bodily level, of the emotions you went through when you were at a similar stage.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Perry argues that your upbringing<\/a> affects how you relate to your child. Emotions related to any harm your parents caused you will probably return in your experiences raising your child. This happens when your child\u2019s actions remind you of something you did or experienced around the same age. You\u2019ll likely relive the emotions you felt when your parents didn\u2019t give you the attention, love, or support you needed when you exhibited the same behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Often, instead of processing these emotions from past experiences\u2014such as sadness that your parents didn\u2019t give you what you needed\u2014you\u2019ll experience another strong, negative feeling toward your child. This might be anger, disgust, frustration, envy, resentment, or fear. You might not know why you\u2019re reacting that way, but you can\u2019t help it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These negative emotions are defense mechanisms you\u2019ve developed to avoid reliving what you went through at the same age. Your need to avoid the emotions you experienced in the past leaves you unable to empathize with your child, instead driving you to focus on an emotion that\u2019s easier to feel (like anger).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBeing kind does not mean you don\u2019t share your feelings when you are angry. What it does mean is explaining how you feel and why but without blaming or insulting the other person.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Perry states that, typically, parents who have trouble handling difficult emotions<\/a> fall into two categories: They suppress their feelings, or they react disproportionately. If you tend to suppress your feelings, you\u2019ll be more likely to do the same to your child, either by dismissing their feelings or telling them they should feel something different. Because this makes the child feel like their emotions are insignificant or undesirable, they\u2019ll likely avoid expressing feelings<\/a> to you in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ideally, you recognize and respect your child\u2019s feelings by naming and affirming them (which we\u2019ll further discuss below), instead of denying them or making the emotions your own. When you\u2019re able to do this, your child will feel understood and comforted instead of criticized. Over time, as you continuously show respect for their feelings and offer them love and understanding, they\u2019ll learn to work through their emotions and comfort themselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf feelings are left out of it, both sides can get more and more heated as they play what I call ‘fact tennis,’ lobbing reasons over the net to each other, finding more and more to hit the other person with. In this style of arguing, the aim of the conflict becomes to win points rather than find a workable solution. Finding out about differences and working through them is about understanding and compromise, not about winning.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Conflict resolution<\/a> has a large effect on your child\u2019s feelings of security and safety. To model healthy conflict resolution for your child\u2014whether you\u2019re in a disagreement with them or with someone else\u2014Perry suggests paying attention<\/a> to your language.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Perry, when bringing up an issue, it\u2019s best to avoid accusatory statements about what the other person did wrong. Using accusatory language can make them feel as if you\u2019re creating a narrative<\/a> and you\u2019re unwilling to hear their point of view. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead, use first-person pronouns and focus on how the situation makes you feel. For example, instead of saying, \u201cYou never help with the laundry, and that\u2019s why the house is a mess,\u201d say, \u201cI\u2019d appreciate it if you helped more with the laundry because it\u2019s hard for me to keep everything tidy myself.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cRuptures\u2014those times when we misunderstand each other, when we make wrong assumptions, when we hurt someone\u2014are inevitable in every important intimate and familial relationship. It is not the rupture that is so important; it is the repair that matters.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Some people think that, to feel safe, a child needs to believe their parents don\u2019t make mistakes. However, this belief is faulty\u2014children need you to model honesty and humility for them, not perfection. If you act as if<\/a> you\u2019re always right and never acknowledge your mistakes, you risk making your child feel like you don\u2019t care about their feelings or that they\u2019re responsible for your moods. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your child\u2019s intuition will likely tell them when you\u2019re wrong<\/a>, but your refusal to acknowledge it will make them question the validity of their feelings, increasing the likelihood that they\u2019ll suppress them later. This may negatively affect the way they relate to other people, leading them to accommodate other people\u2019s needs over their own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To make amends for mistakes, Perry says to start by apologizing to your child and explaining what you did wrong, why you did what you did, and what you\u2019d do differently. Then, change your behavior\u2014figure out what prompted your unfair reaction or the misunderstanding, and act differently the next time a similar situation arises.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What’s the core of parenting? What do your parents have to do with the way you parent your kids? What’s “fact tennis”? Philippa Perry is a British psychotherapist, writer, and TV and radio presenter. She worked in the mental health field for 20 years before being published. And, she raised a daughter. In The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, she shares her wisdom with other parents. Keep reading for The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read quotes that provide insights into the book.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":93612,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[40,13],"tags":[1283],"class_list":["post-114668","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-books","category-parenting","tag-the-book-you-wish-your-parents-had-read","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read\u2014Quotes to Ponder - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read is designed to help you improve your parent-child relationship. 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