{"id":114647,"date":"2023-09-28T13:37:00","date_gmt":"2023-09-28T17:37:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=114647"},"modified":"2023-10-06T12:58:38","modified_gmt":"2023-10-06T16:58:38","slug":"how-to-bond-with-your-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-bond-with-your-child\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Bond With Your Child: 4 Ways to Build a Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Are you merely managing your child, or are you deeply bonding with them? How can you build a lifelong connection?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The parent-child relationship is a unique and special one. It goes through rapid and significant changes over the years. Being close to your child helps you raise them (because they trust you more), and it adds joy to both your lives\u2014even when they&#8217;re grown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Read more to learn how to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-bond-with-your-child-2\/\">bond with your child<\/a> and build a beautiful relationship that will last.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-to-bond-with-your-child\">How to Bond With Your Child<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Philippa Perry, you shouldn\u2019t view a child as someone to manage but rather as an individual with whom you plan to maintain a close bond for the rest of your life. Maintaining this bond full of love and connection requires you to regularly confront your emotions, understand how your past affects your present, and recognize how your actions affect your child. She shares practical advice on how to bond with your child by attending to these matters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Characteristics of a Strong Bond Between Parent and Child<\/strong><br><br>According to some parenting experts, <a href=\"https:\/\/cdikids.org\/autism\/5-qualities-of-a-strong-parent-child-relationship\/#:~:text=Safety%20is%20at%20the%20core,that%20will%20last%20a%20lifetime\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">the following are characteristics of a strong parent-child relationship:<\/a><br><br><strong>1) Showing your child that you love them unconditionally.<\/strong> If they don\u2019t feel like they have to earn your love, they\u2019ll be able to make mistakes, learn, and grow in a healthy way. To do this, you must be emotionally available for them (which means confronting your own emotions and past experiences, as Perry suggests).<br><br><strong>2) Offering your child respect.<\/strong> This means listening to their needs, setting clear expectations with them, and explaining the consequences when they don\u2019t meet those expectations. Finally, recognize the effect of your own actions and admit <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/what-if-youre-wrong\/\">when you\u2019re wrong<\/a> (as Perry suggests).<br><br><strong>3) Being flexible in your parenting.<\/strong> Your child will change as they grow, and so will their wants and needs. Parent based on your child as they are now, not based on who they were or who you want them to be. Additionally, recognize that different parenting techniques work for different children\u2014there\u2019s no one-size-fits-all approach.&nbsp;<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>We\u2019ll explore some of the areas of parenting Perry identifies as particularly important for securing your parent-child bond: addressing how <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-you-were-raised\/\">your upbringing<\/a> affects your relationship with your child, creating a secure attachment bond with your child, teaching your child to process their feelings, and making amends for your mistakes.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-1-address-how-your-upbringing-affects-your-parenting\">#1: Address How Your Upbringing Affects Your Parenting<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Perry argues that <strong>your upbringing affects how you relate to your child.<\/strong> Emotions related to any harm your parents caused you will probably return in your experiences raising your child. This happens when your child\u2019s actions remind you of something you did or experienced around the same age. You\u2019ll likely relive the emotions you felt when your parents didn\u2019t give you the attention, love, or support you needed when you exhibited the same behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Often, instead of processing these emotions from past experiences\u2014such as sadness that your parents didn\u2019t give you what you needed\u2014you\u2019ll experience another strong, negative feeling toward your child. This might be anger, disgust, frustration, envy, resentment, or fear. You might not know why you\u2019re reacting that way, but you can\u2019t help it. For example, maybe your child becomes deeply interested in dinosaurs, and he wants to tell you facts about them around the clock. For reasons unknown to you, you find this annoying. It becomes so grating that you eventually snap at him, even though you know it\u2019s unfair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>These negative emotions are defense mechanisms you\u2019ve developed to avoid reliving what you went through at the same age.<\/strong> Your need to avoid the emotions you experienced in the past leaves you unable to empathize with your child, instead driving you to focus on an emotion that\u2019s easier to feel (like anger).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Putting It Into Practice: Decipher Where Emotions Belong<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Perry states that<strong> your past doesn\u2019t <\/strong><strong><em>have<\/em><\/strong><strong> to rule your relationship with your child<\/strong>\u2014if you examine and reflect on your childhood and allow yourself to feel the accompanying emotions, you can avoid passing the same issues down the family line.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Every time you feel an unpleasant emotion resulting from your child\u2019s behavior, take it as a cue to think about any other possible sources for that feeling. Pause instead of expressing the emotion, step away from the situation, and take some time to reflect. Ask yourself if the emotion fits the present situation or if it\u2019s related to something that happened to you in the past. What\u2019s preventing you from understanding and empathizing with your child\u2019s perspective? This will help you avoid acting on the negative feelings and emotionally harming your child in the process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, after snapping at your child to stop talking about dinosaurs, you feel bad, so you think about where your annoyance stems from. Upon reflecting, you remember that when you were the same age, your parents rarely took the time to listen to what you were interested in\u2014they always brushed you off or shushed you so they could continue talking about their interests. Instead of snapping the next time, you engage your child in a conversation about dinosaurs so he knows you\u2019re interested in what he cares about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">#2: Foster Secure Attachment<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Perry argues that <strong>another important aspect of developing a strong, lifelong parent-child bond is helping your child form the right <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/insecure-attachment-in-relationships\/\">attachment style<\/a>.<\/strong> According to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/attachment-psychology\/\">attachment theory<\/a>, babies are born with the ability to bond with other humans, and they take their cues for how to do this from their parents. The way their parents interact with them in this early stage of life\u2014when they\u2019re learning <em>how<\/em> bonds are formed\u2014determines how they\u2019ll relate to others throughout their lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When you\u2019re consistently offered affection, fed, comforted, and attended to as a baby, you tend to form a <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/secure-attachment-relationship\/\">secure attachment style<\/a><\/strong>. You grow up able to trust and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/eckhart-tolle-relationships-how-to-be-present\/\">connect with others<\/a>, and you believe in people\u2019s goodness. This generally makes relationships and other aspects of life much easier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you weren\u2019t cared for consistently as an infant, you may develop an <em>unhealthy<\/em> attachment style, such as the following:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Insecure attachment:<\/strong> If you had to cry for long periods to get your parents\u2019 attention, you\u2019ll likely grow up feeling like the only way to get others\u2019 attention is to be bold and forceful when <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need\/\">expressing your needs<\/a>.<\/li><li><strong>Avoidant attachment:<\/strong> If your cries went unanswered, you probably eventually stopped trying to get your parents\u2019 attention. You may develop a sense of isolation, believing that you won\u2019t be heard or understood by anyone. Therefore, you grow up feeling like there\u2019s no point in letting people get to know you well.<\/li><li><strong>Dismissive attachment:<\/strong> If the attention you received was harmful or abusive, you might grow up feeling like other people are always a threat to you.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Putting It Into Practice: Consider Your Own Attachment Style<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Perry states that <strong>the ideal is to create a secure attachment with your baby.<\/strong> To do this, think about what <em>your<\/em> attachment style might be. Do you form close, secure attachments with people, or do you struggle with this? If your experience is the latter, you may need to be more mindful about forming your relationship with your baby to create a secure attachment with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Putting It Into Practice: Respond to Your Baby\u2019s Cries<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Second, Perry states that <strong>the best way to create a secure attachment is by consistently responding to your baby\u2019s cries.<\/strong> Babies can express themselves only by crying out. They can\u2019t soothe themselves, nor do they have object permanence (our ability to discern that something exists when we can\u2019t see it). So, they can\u2019t reason with themselves and know that you\u2019re still close to them if you\u2019re not within their sight. When no one responds to them, they feel alone and scared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Responding to babies\u2019 cries is how you show them that they\u2019re safe\u2014they learn how to soothe themselves when you\u2019re consistently comforting them and showing them that you\u2019re there for them. If, in contrast, you frequently let your baby cry for long periods without going to them, Perry argues that they\u2019ll eventually stop crying because they\u2019re suppressing the feelings that make them cry\u2014not because they\u2019ve learned to calm down in a healthy way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">#3: Teach Your Child to Acknowledge and Name Their Emotions<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Perry, <strong>recognizing, naming, and respecting your child\u2019s emotions is a key way to form a strong bond with them and raise them to be mentally healthy individuals.<\/strong> By doing this, you teach them <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-understand-anything-deeply\/\">how to understand<\/a>, regulate, and express their emotions in a healthy way, which is an important part of their development.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The Different Ways We Deal With Emotions<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Perry states that, typically, <strong>parents who have trouble handling <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-deal-with-difficult-emotions\/\">difficult emotions<\/a> fall into two categories: They suppress their feelings, or they react disproportionately.<\/strong> If you tend to suppress your feelings, you\u2019ll be more likely to do the same to your child, either by dismissing their feelings or telling them they should feel something different. Because this makes the child feel like their emotions are insignificant or undesirable, they\u2019ll likely avoid <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/expressing-feelings\/\">expressing feelings<\/a> to you in the future.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you tend to react disproportionately, you might become overwhelmed by your child\u2019s emotions, getting upset and crying with them. You take on their emotional state. In this case, your child may stop expressing their emotions to you because they feel like they\u2019re upsetting you too much or you\u2019re unfairly seizing their feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Ideally, you recognize and respect your child\u2019s feelings by naming and affirming them (which we\u2019ll further discuss below), instead of denying them or making the emotions your own. When you\u2019re able to do this, your child will feel understood and comforted instead of criticized. Over time, as you continuously show respect for their feelings and offer them love and understanding, they\u2019ll learn to work through their emotions and comfort themselves.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Putting It Into Practice: Name Your Child\u2019s Emotions<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Perry says to practice naming your child\u2019s emotions when they\u2019re upset to show that you understand them and to show them how to do it for themselves.<\/strong> As you do this, remember to consider their age and how it affects their ability to express themselves.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Your child may react in a way that seems irrational to you, but their feelings are as valid as anyone else\u2019s. For example, say your child falls and hits their knee. They have a small scrape, but you can tell they aren\u2019t seriously hurt. Still, they begin to cry inconsolably. You might feel tempted to tell them not to cry or that their scrape is no big deal because it hurts you to see them so upset. However, this likely won\u2019t comfort them since to them, the injury feels like a real danger. They might stop crying to please you, but they won\u2019t feel understood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Instead, acknowledge their feelings by saying something such as \u201cYou hurt your knee and I see that made you feel scared.\u201d This shows them that you\u2019re in tune with their feelings, they\u2019re allowed to feel that way, and you\u2019re there to support them. Over time, they\u2019ll learn to name their emotions themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">#4: Make Amends When You Make a Mistake<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Perry argues that, though you should strive for the emotional stability and empathy displayed in the above strategies, being a good parent isn\u2019t about behaving perfectly all the time. You\u2019ll occasionally react in an unhelpful way, hurt your child\u2019s feelings, or misunderstand your child. <strong>What\u2019s most important for your parent-child relationship is that you acknowledge your imperfections and make amends for the harm you cause.<\/strong>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Some people think that to feel safe, a child needs to believe their parents don\u2019t make mistakes. However, this belief is faulty\u2014children need you to model honesty and humility for them, not perfection. If you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/act-as-if\/\">act as if<\/a> you\u2019re always right and never acknowledge your mistakes, you risk making your child feel like you don\u2019t care about their feelings or that they\u2019re responsible for your moods.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Your child\u2019s intuition will likely tell them when you\u2019re wrong, but your refusal to acknowledge it will make them question the validity of their feelings, increasing the likelihood that they\u2019ll suppress them later. This may negatively affect the way they relate to other people, leading them to accommodate other people\u2019s needs over their own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Putting It Into Practice: Change Your Behavior and Apologize<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>To make amends for mistakes, Perry says to start by apologizing to your child and explaining what you did wrong, why you did what you did, and what you\u2019d do differently.<\/strong> Then, change your behavior\u2014figure out what prompted your unfair reaction or the misunderstanding, and act differently the next time a similar situation arises.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Are you merely managing your child, or are you deeply bonding with them? How can you build a lifelong connection? The parent-child relationship is a unique and special one. It goes through rapid and significant changes over the years. Being close to your child helps you raise them (because they trust you more), and it adds joy to both your lives\u2014even when they&#8217;re grown. Read more to learn how to bond with your child and build a beautiful relationship that will last.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":8341,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,9],"tags":[1283],"class_list":["post-114647","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-psychology","tag-the-book-you-wish-your-parents-had-read","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Bond With Your Child: 4 Ways to Build a Relationship - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Don&#039;t just manage your child; build a relationship that will last a lifetime. Here&#039;s how to bond with your child in ways that truly matter.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-bond-with-your-child\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Bond With Your Child: 4 Ways to Build a Relationship\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Don&#039;t just manage your child; build a relationship that will last a lifetime. 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