{"id":114594,"date":"2023-10-03T17:55:00","date_gmt":"2023-10-03T21:55:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=114594"},"modified":"2023-10-06T12:56:52","modified_gmt":"2023-10-06T16:56:52","slug":"emotion-coaching-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/emotion-coaching-parents\/","title":{"rendered":"How Emotion-Coaching Parents Help Kids Develop Their EQ"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What’s your child’s emotional intelligence<\/a> (EQ)? What’s your role in helping them develop their emotional skills?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a parent, it’s your privilege and responsibility to teach your child how to understand<\/a>, regulate, and express their emotions in a healthy way. If you’d like to join the ranks of effective emotion-coaching parents, Philippa Perry offers practical advice in her book The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Continue reading to learn how to foster your child’s emotional development by coaching them in acknowledging and naming their feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Emotion-Coaching Parents<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

According to Perry, recognizing, naming, and respecting your child\u2019s emotions is a key way to form a strong bond with them and raise them to be mentally healthy individuals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: The practice of noticing a child\u2019s emotions and using them as opportunities for teaching and intimacy is called emotion coaching<\/a>. Years of research suggest that children are healthier and more successful in all aspects of life when their parents employ this technique with them. If you want to be an emotion-coaching parent, consider using specific prompts that validate and soothe your child’s emotions\u2014you can find numerous examples online<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Different Ways We Deal With Emotions<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Perry states that, typically, parents who have trouble handling difficult emotions<\/a> fall into two categories: They suppress their feelings, or they react disproportionately.<\/strong> If you tend to suppress your feelings, you\u2019ll be more likely to do the same to your child, either by dismissing their feelings or telling them they should feel something different. Because this makes the child feel like their emotions are insignificant or undesirable, they\u2019ll likely avoid expressing feelings<\/a> to you in the future. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you tend to react disproportionately, you might become overwhelmed by your child\u2019s emotions, getting upset and crying with them. You take on their emotional state. In this case, your child may stop expressing their emotions to you because they feel like they\u2019re upsetting you too much or you\u2019re unfairly seizing their feelings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: To avoid becoming overwhelmed by your child\u2019s emotions, consider using the following steps.<\/a> First, take a deep breath to center yourself before you engage with your child. Second, remind yourself that your primary goal is to help your child calm down and to build a closer relationship with them, not to add to their emotional turmoil. Third, refrain from taking your child\u2019s feelings personally, especially when they\u2019re upset with you\u2014they\u2019re not fully developed and aren\u2019t capable of self-regulating their emotions like you are. Fourth, use a mantra to calm yourself down. For example, you might tell yourself, \u201cThis is not an emergency, but an opportunity to help.\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ideally, you recognize and respect your child\u2019s feelings by naming and affirming them (which we\u2019ll further discuss below), instead of denying them or making the emotions your own. When you\u2019re able to do this, your child will feel understood and comforted instead of criticized. Over time, as you continuously show respect for their feelings and offer them love and understanding, they\u2019ll learn to work through their emotions and comfort themselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Some experts argue that, as you\u2019re working on letting your child feel all of their emotions and helping them through the experience, you should remember that limiting your child\u2019s behavior isn\u2019t the same as limiting their emotions.<\/a> Behavior is separate from emotions, and you should coach your child in this principle; though it\u2019s OK to feel any emotion, not all forms of expression for those feelings are OK. For example, you might teach them that it\u2019s OK to be upset, but it\u2019s not OK to hit someone to show them that you\u2019re upset with them. You set the behavioral limit that hitting isn\u2019t OK, but there\u2019s still no limit to what they\u2019re allowed to feel.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How Hiding Your Negative Feelings May Affect Children<\/strong>

Expressing negative emotions in a healthy way is better than suppressing them in front of children, according to some research. A study conducted on 109 parent-child pairs found that suppressing stressful emotions made parents less positive partners during a collaborative task.<\/a>

First, the parents completed a public speaking task and received negative feedback, which was meant to induce stress. Then, researchers directed them to complete a Lego project with their child. The children had written instructions but weren\u2019t allowed to touch the Legos, and the parents had to put the Legos together\u2014this meant the pairs had to work closely with each other.

Researchers told a random selection of the parents to suppress their feelings of stress from the public speaking task during the Lego activity. These parents didn\u2019t offer as much help or warmth to their children, and the children in these pairs were less responsive to and positive with their parents. This suggested that the children picked up the negative emotions more strongly when their parents tried to hide their feelings instead of expressing them.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Putting It Into Practice: Name Your Child\u2019s Emotions<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Perry says to practice naming your child\u2019s emotions when they\u2019re upset to show that you understand them and to show them how to do it for themselves. As you do this, remember to consider their age and how it affects their ability to express themselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your child may react in a way that seems irrational to you, but their feelings are as valid as anyone else\u2019s. For example, say your child falls and hits their knee. They have a small scrape, but you can tell they aren\u2019t seriously hurt. Still, they begin to cry inconsolably. You might feel tempted to tell them not to cry or that their scrape is no big deal because it hurts you to see them so upset. However, this likely won\u2019t comfort them since to them, the injury feels like a real danger. They might stop crying to please you, but they won\u2019t feel understood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead, acknowledge their feelings by saying something such as \u201cYou hurt your knee and I see that made you feel scared.\u201d This shows them that you\u2019re in tune with their feelings, they\u2019re allowed to feel that way, and you\u2019re there to support them. Over time, they\u2019ll learn to name their emotions themselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: There are many different ways to respond empathetically<\/a> to your child and help them name their feelings. For example, you might state what you perceive they\u2019re feeling outright: \u201cYou\u2019re feeling [emotion] because of [event or circumstance].\u201d Alternatively, use the phrase, \u201cIt sounds like you\u2019re feeling\u2026\u201d to acknowledge that you might not be right in your observation.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How Children Express Emotions at Different Ages<\/strong>

As Perry notes, children express their emotions differently depending on their age. From the time your child is born to the age of nine months, they\u2019ll primarily use vocalizations, facial expressions, and body language to communicate their emotions and needs to you.<\/a> For instance, they might cry to indicate discomfort or squeal to indicate joy.

Between seven and 18 months, they\u2019ll likely begin expressing themselves more intentionally. For example, they might push away food that they don\u2019t like, or they might hug you when they\u2019re scared or want to show affection.

Between 16 and 24 months, they\u2019ll probably start using a mix of gestures and language to express their emotions, such as smiling, clapping, and verbally expressing pride about something they accomplished.

By the time they\u2019re 21 to 36 months, they may start describing and naming emotions themselves. Additionally, they\u2019ll likely start acting out emotions while they\u2019re playing pretend and demonstrating more complex emotions, such as guilt.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What’s your child’s emotional intelligence (EQ)? What’s your role in helping them develop their emotional skills? As a parent, it’s your privilege and responsibility to teach your child how to understand, regulate, and express their emotions in a healthy way. If you’d like to join the ranks of effective emotion-coaching parents, Philippa Perry offers practical advice in her book The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. Continue reading to learn how to foster your child’s emotional development by coaching them in acknowledging and naming their feelings.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":109462,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,9],"tags":[1283],"class_list":["post-114594","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-psychology","tag-the-book-you-wish-your-parents-had-read","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow Emotion-Coaching Parents Help Kids Develop Their EQ - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When parents notice a child\u2019s emotions and use them as opportunities to teach and bond, it's called emotion coaching. 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