{"id":114570,"date":"2023-09-29T10:21:00","date_gmt":"2023-09-29T14:21:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=114570"},"modified":"2023-10-06T12:56:40","modified_gmt":"2023-10-06T16:56:40","slug":"how-you-were-raised","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-you-were-raised\/","title":{"rendered":"How You Were Raised Impacts How You Raise Your Children"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

When you’re parenting your child, do you sometimes feel like you’re reliving moments from your own childhood? Do you want to mirror\u2014or reject\u2014the way your parents raised you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For good or for bad, how you were raised impacts your parenting. You’re likely to project and pass along emotions associated with your upbringing. Philippa Perry explains that it’s important for you to put emotions where they belong and break any harmful cycles in your family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read more to understand how your upbringing affects your parenting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

How You Were Raised Affects Your Parenting<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Perry argues that how you were raised affects how you relate to your child.<\/strong> Emotions related to any harm your parents caused you will probably return in your experiences raising your child. This happens when your child\u2019s actions remind you of something you did or experienced around the same age. You\u2019ll likely relive the emotions you felt when your parents didn\u2019t give you the attention, love, or support you needed when you exhibited the same behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: You may not only feel emotionally triggered by your child\u2019s behaviors that remind you of your own behavior<\/em> as a child. You may also experience strong emotions when they exhibit behaviors that directly mirror how your parents<\/em> acted<\/a> when you were young. For example, if your parents often yelled at you growing up, you might respond with aversion, fear, or anger if your child raises their voice at you. Additionally, everyone involved in raising your child will be triggered by different things because you all had different experiences growing up. This can sometimes cause conflicts between parents, as the different ways you were raised lead you to respond to your child\u2019s behavior differently.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Often, instead of processing these emotions from past experiences\u2014such as sadness that your parents didn\u2019t give you what you needed\u2014you\u2019ll experience another strong, negative feeling toward your child. This might be anger, disgust, frustration, envy, resentment, or fear. You might not know why you\u2019re reacting that way, but you can\u2019t help it. For example, maybe your child becomes deeply interested in dinosaurs, and he wants to tell you facts about them around the clock. For reasons unknown to you, you find this annoying. It becomes so grating that you eventually snap at him, even though you know it\u2019s unfair. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

These negative emotions are defense mechanisms you\u2019ve developed to avoid reliving what you went through at the same age.<\/strong> Your need to avoid the emotions you experienced in the past leaves you unable to empathize with your child, instead driving you to focus on an emotion that\u2019s easier to feel (like anger).  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Why is anger so common as a defense mechanism against more difficult emotions<\/a>? First, anger is by nature protective<\/a>\u2014it speeds up your heart rate, increases blood flow to your hands, and prompts the release of energy-fueling hormones like adrenaline, all of which prepare you to take action against danger. When you experience a more vulnerable, raw emotion such as sadness or fear, you might perceive that emotion as a danger to your well-being. Maybe it makes you vulnerable to another person in a way that\u2019s uncomfortable, or it represents a truth you aren\u2019t ready to face (such as a bad childhood experience). Once you perceive this danger, anger steps in to defend you.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Putting It Into Practice: Decipher Where Emotions Belong<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Perry states that your past doesn\u2019t <\/strong>have<\/em><\/strong> to rule your relationship with your child<\/strong>\u2014if you examine and reflect on your childhood and allow yourself to feel the accompanying emotions, you can avoid passing the same issues down the family line. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every time you feel an unpleasant emotion resulting from your child\u2019s behavior, take it as a cue to think about any other possible sources for that feeling. Pause instead of expressing the emotion, step away from the situation, and take some time to reflect. Ask yourself if the emotion fits the present situation or if it\u2019s related to something that happened to you in the past. What\u2019s preventing you from understanding and empathizing with your child\u2019s perspective? This will help you avoid acting on the negative feelings and emotionally harming your child in the process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, after snapping at your child to stop talking about dinosaurs, you feel bad, so you think about where your annoyance stems from. Upon reflecting, you remember that when you were the same age, your parents rarely took the time to listen to what you were interested in\u2014they always brushed you off or shushed you so they could continue talking about their interests. Instead of snapping the next time, you engage your child in a conversation about dinosaurs so he knows you\u2019re interested in what he cares about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: This process that Perry describes reflects healthy emotional self-regulation<\/a>\u2014our ability to control emotions<\/a> and impulses, rather than immediately acting on them. It\u2019s important for our mental and social well-being. People who aren\u2019t emotionally self-regulated may display emotional outbursts, frequently overreact, experience prolonged negative emotions, and have mood swings. Luckily, it\u2019s a skill that anyone can practice. The basics of an emotionally regulated response follow the same pattern as Perry\u2019s exercise: Notice the intensification of your emotions, pause to assess the consequences of responding in different ways, and choose a path forward that will lead toward a positive outcome.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Observe Feelings Mindfully<\/strong>

As you note down strong feelings you experience, consider using these three tips to observe them with curiosity. These techniques will help you understand the source of the emotions and help you pause so you don\u2019t act on them rashly:<\/a>

1) Observe the feeling as if you were an outsider looking in.<\/strong> Has the feeling intensified at any point? Are you having any physical sensations as you experience the emotion? This technique reminds you that your emotions don\u2019t control you\u2014you can act as a spectator.

2) Name what you\u2019re experiencing out loud.<\/strong> For example, you might say something like, \u201cI observe frustration. There\u2019s tension in my forehead and I\u2019m clenching my teeth.\u201d

3) Remind yourself that the feeling isn\u2019t inherently good or bad<\/strong>\u2014it\u2019s simply there.

In addition to identifying negative emotions related to your child\u2019s behavior, look for automatic negative thoughts<\/a>, which appear based on a stimulus and without conscious thought. These thought patterns<\/a> may give you more insight into where the emotion is coming from and help you reframe it.

For instance, along with your annoyance as the parent of the dinosaur-loving child, you might experience the automatic thought, \u201cHe should know when to stop<\/a> talking. He\u2019s going to annoy other people, and it\u2019ll be embarrassing.\u201d Instead of accepting that thought as truth, recognize it and refute it. Remind yourself that he\u2019s just excited about his interests, and his excitement indicates positive traits like curiosity and passion. Additionally, you can teach him to give space for others to talk, but other than that, it doesn\u2019t matter what other people think. <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Exercise: Reflect on a Past Parenting Experience<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Reflect on how you could have applied Perry\u2019s advice to a parenting experience from your past so you\u2019ll feel ready to apply her insights to similar situations in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Describe a parenting challenge<\/a> that you wish you\u2019d handled differently, or describe a childhood experience of being parented that you wish your parents had handled differently. (For example, maybe your child cried because you wouldn\u2019t buy a toy, and you snapped at them for being ungrateful. Or, maybe your parents never disagreed in front of you, so now you have no idea how to solve conflicts with your partner.)<\/li>
  2. Which of Perry\u2019s tips could you or your parent(s) have applied to handle this situation better? (For example, instead of snapping at your child for their tantrum, you might have soothed them by empathizing and acknowledging that they were feeling sad because they couldn\u2019t have what they wanted. Instead of hiding their conflicts from you, your parents could have demonstrated healthy conflict resolution<\/a> strategies like avoiding accusatory statements.)<\/li>
  3. What\u2019s another piece of advice from Perry you hope to implement in the future? Why? (For example, you plan to acknowledge your mistakes because you don\u2019t want your child to feel like they have to be perfect or can\u2019t trust you.)<\/li><\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    When you’re parenting your child, do you sometimes feel like you’re reliving moments from your own childhood? Do you want to mirror\u2014or reject\u2014the way your parents raised you? For good or for bad, how you were raised impacts your parenting. You’re likely to project and pass along emotions associated with your upbringing. Philippa Perry explains that it’s important for you to put emotions where they belong and break any harmful cycles in your family. Read more to understand how your upbringing affects your parenting.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":114576,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,9,43],"tags":[1283],"class_list":["post-114570","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-psychology","category-self-improvement","tag-the-book-you-wish-your-parents-had-read","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow You Were Raised Impacts How You Raise Your Children - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"For good or for bad, how you were raised impacts your parenting. 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