Do you want to cultivate a healthy relationship with your child? Do you wish you had the tools to understand them better?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read<\/em> by Philippa Perry offers guidance for strengthening your bonds with your child and raising an emotionally secure<\/a> individual. Perry argues that you can improve your parent-child relationship no matter your child\u2019s age.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Continue reading for an overview of this book that your child will be glad you read.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read<\/em><\/a> by Philippa Perry writes that you can improve your relationship<\/a> with your child (regardless of how old they are) by examining how your<\/em> parents\u2019 style of parenting impacts your own, listening to your child, and meeting them with respect and understanding. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Perry is a British psychotherapist, writer, and TV and radio presenter. She worked in the mental health field for 20 years before being published, and she raised a daughter. Her other books on therapy and relationships include How to Stay Sane<\/em><\/a>, The Book You Want Everyone You Love to Read<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>and the graphic novel Couch Fiction<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>which her daughter illustrated. <\/em>Additionally, she writes a weekly advice column for The Guardian<\/em><\/a> called Ask Philippa<\/em><\/a> where she answers reader-submitted questions about life and relationships. <\/p>\n\n\n\n We\u2019ll discuss how to foster a strong, loving parent-child relationship. Additionally, we\u2019ll explore ways to positively influence your child\u2019s behavior, including the way they treat themselves and the way they learn to resolve conflicts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Perry, you shouldn\u2019t view a child as someone to manage, but rather as an individual with whom you plan to maintain a close bond for the rest of your life.<\/strong> Maintaining this bond full of love and connection requires you to regularly confront your emotions, understand how your past affects your present, and recognize how your actions affect your child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We\u2019ll explore some of the areas of parenting Perry identifies as particularly important for securing your parent-child bond: addressing how your upbringing<\/a> affects your relationship with your child, creating a secure attachment bond with your child<\/a>, teaching your child to process their feelings, and making amends for your mistakes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Perry argues that your upbringing affects how you relate to your child.<\/strong> Emotions related to any harm your parents caused you will probably return in your experiences raising your child. This happens when your child\u2019s actions remind you of something you did or experienced around the same age. You\u2019ll likely relive the emotions you felt when your parents didn\u2019t give you the attention, love, or support you needed when you exhibited the same behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Often, instead of processing these emotions from past experiences\u2014such as sadness that your parents didn\u2019t give you what you needed\u2014you\u2019ll experience another strong, negative feeling toward your child. This might be anger, disgust, frustration, envy, resentment, or fear. You might not know why you\u2019re reacting that way, but you can\u2019t help it. For example, maybe your child becomes deeply interested in dinosaurs, and he wants to tell you facts about them around the clock. For reasons unknown to you, you find this annoying. It becomes so grating that you eventually snap at him, even though you know it\u2019s unfair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n These negative emotions are defense mechanisms you\u2019ve developed to avoid reliving what you went through at the same age.<\/strong> Your need to avoid the emotions you experienced in the past leaves you unable to empathize with your child, instead driving you to focus on an emotion that\u2019s easier to feel (like anger).<\/p>\n\n\n\n Perry states that your past doesn\u2019t <\/strong>have<\/em><\/strong> to rule your relationship with your child<\/strong>\u2014if you examine and reflect on your childhood and allow yourself to feel the accompanying emotions, you can avoid passing the same issues down the family line. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Every time you feel an unpleasant emotion resulting from your child\u2019s behavior, take it as a cue to think about any other possible sources for that feeling. Pause instead of expressing the emotion, step away from the situation, and take some time to reflect. Ask yourself if the emotion fits the present situation or if it\u2019s related to something that happened to you in the past. What\u2019s preventing you from understanding and empathizing with your child\u2019s perspective? This will help you avoid acting on the negative feelings and emotionally harming your child in the process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, after snapping at your child to stop talking about dinosaurs, you feel bad, so you think about where your annoyance stems from. Upon reflecting, you remember that when you were the same age, your parents rarely took the time to listen to what you were interested in\u2014they always brushed you off or shushed you so they could continue talking about their interests. Instead of snapping the next time, you engage your child in a conversation about dinosaurs so he knows you\u2019re interested in what he cares about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Perry argues that another important aspect of developing a strong, lifelong parent-child bond is helping your child form the right attachment style<\/a>.<\/strong> According to attachment theory<\/a>, babies are born with the ability to bond with other humans, and they take their cues for how to do this from their parents. The way their parents interact with them in this early stage of life\u2014when they\u2019re learning how<\/em> bonds are formed\u2014determines how they\u2019ll relate to others throughout their lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When you\u2019re consistently offered affection, fed, comforted, and attended to as a baby, you tend to form a secure attachment style<\/a><\/strong>. You grow up able to trust and connect with others<\/a>, and you believe in people\u2019s goodness. This generally makes relationships and other aspects of life much easier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you weren\u2019t cared for consistently as an infant, you may develop an unhealthy<\/em> attachment style, such as the following: <\/p>\n\n\n\n Perry states that the ideal is to create a secure attachment with your baby.<\/strong> To do this, think about what your<\/em> attachment style might be. Do you form close, secure attachments with people, or do you struggle with this? If your experience is the latter, you may need to be more mindful about forming your relationship with your baby to create a secure attachment with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Second, Perry states that the best way to create a secure attachment is by consistently responding to your baby\u2019s cries.<\/strong> Babies can express themselves only by crying out. They can\u2019t soothe themselves, nor do they have object permanence (our ability to discern that something exists when we can\u2019t see it). So, they can\u2019t reason with themselves and know that you\u2019re still close to them if you\u2019re not within their sight. When no one responds to them, they feel alone and scared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Responding to babies\u2019 cries is how you show them that they\u2019re safe\u2014they learn how to soothe themselves when you\u2019re consistently comforting them and showing them that you\u2019re there for them. If, in contrast, you frequently let your baby cry for long periods without going to them, Perry argues that they\u2019ll eventually stop crying because they\u2019re suppressing the feelings that make them cry\u2014not because they\u2019ve learned to calm down in a healthy way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Perry, recognizing, naming, and respecting your child\u2019s emotions is a key way to form a strong bond with them and raise them to be mentally healthy individuals.<\/strong> By doing this, you teach them how to understand<\/a>, regulate, and express their emotions in a healthy way, which is an important part of their development.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Perry states that, typically, parents who have trouble handling difficult emotions<\/a> fall into two categories: They suppress their feelings, or they react disproportionately.<\/strong> If you tend to suppress your feelings, you\u2019ll be more likely to do the same to your child, either by dismissing their feelings or telling them they should feel something different. Because this makes the child feel like their emotions are insignificant or undesirable, they\u2019ll likely avoid expressing feelings<\/a> to you in the future. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If you tend to react disproportionately, you might become overwhelmed by your child\u2019s emotions, getting upset and crying with them. You take on their emotional state. In this case, your child may stop expressing their emotions to you because they feel like they\u2019re upsetting you too much or you\u2019re unfairly seizing their feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ideally, you recognize and respect your child\u2019s feelings by naming and affirming them (which we\u2019ll further discuss below), instead of denying them or making the emotions your own. When you\u2019re able to do this, your child will feel understood and comforted instead of criticized. Over time, as you continuously show respect for their feelings and offer them love and understanding, they\u2019ll learn to work through their emotions and comfort themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Perry says to practice naming your child\u2019s emotions when they\u2019re upset to show that you understand them and to show them how to do it for themselves.<\/strong> As you do this, remember to consider their age and how it affects their ability to express themselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Your child may react in a way that seems irrational to you, but their feelings are as valid as anyone else\u2019s. For example, say your child falls and hits their knee. They have a small scrape, but you can tell they aren\u2019t seriously hurt. Still, they begin to cry inconsolably. You might feel tempted to tell them not to cry or that their scrape is no big deal because it hurts you to see them so upset. However, this likely won\u2019t comfort them since to them, the injury feels like a real danger. They might stop crying to please you, but they won\u2019t feel understood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead, acknowledge their feelings by saying something such as \u201cYou hurt your knee and I see that made you feel scared.\u201d This shows them that you\u2019re in tune with their feelings, they\u2019re allowed to feel that way, and you\u2019re there to support them. Over time, they\u2019ll learn to name their emotions themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Perry argues that, though you should strive for the emotional stability and empathy displayed in the above strategies, being a good parent isn\u2019t about behaving perfectly all the time. You\u2019ll occasionally react in an unhelpful way, hurt your child\u2019s feelings, or misunderstand your child. What\u2019s most important for your parent-child relationship is that you acknowledge your imperfections and make amends for the harm you cause.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n Some people think that to feel safe, a child needs to believe their parents don\u2019t make mistakes. However, this belief is faulty\u2014children need you to model honesty and humility for them, not perfection. If you act as if<\/a> you\u2019re always right and never acknowledge your mistakes, you risk making your child feel like you don\u2019t care about their feelings or that they\u2019re responsible for your moods. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Your child\u2019s intuition will likely tell them when you\u2019re wrong<\/a>, but your refusal to acknowledge it will make them question the validity of their feelings, increasing the likelihood that they\u2019ll suppress them later. This may negatively affect the way they relate to other people, leading them to accommodate other people\u2019s needs over their own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To make amends for mistakes, Perry says to start by apologizing to your child and explaining what you did wrong, why you did what you did, and what you\u2019d do differently.<\/strong> Then, change your behavior\u2014figure out what prompted your unfair reaction or the misunderstanding, and act differently the next time a similar situation arises.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We\u2019ll explore two areas of parenting Perry identifies for helping your child develop healthy relationships<\/a> with themselves and others: <\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Perry, the way you speak to yourself has a big impact on your child\u2019s relationship with <\/strong>themself<\/em><\/strong>. <\/strong>Children model their behavior on the behavior of their parents. So, if you tend to speak negatively about yourself, your child will likely develop that behavior as well. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, say you have an inner belief that you\u2019re not very smart. Even if it\u2019s not true, it makes you feel deeply insecure. Therefore, anytime someone compliments you for your cleverness or skills, you make a self-deprecating comment diminishing your intelligence. Likewise, anytime you make a mistake, you take it as evidence that confirms your self-assessment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You don\u2019t treat or think of your child the same way, so you don\u2019t think about how your comments about yourself affect them. However, over time, you might notice they stop trying very hard in school, they\u2019re afraid to make mistakes, or they frequently minimize their intelligence. By watching you put yourself down, they\u2019ve learned to do the same.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To set your child up to have a positive self-relationship, you must address the negative ways you treat and speak to yourself.<\/strong> Perry states that the first step is to recognize your patterns of negative self-talk<\/a>. These patterns often go unnoticed because they\u2019re embedded in your self-image, so it\u2019s important to consciously identify them. Start by writing down every negative thought you have about yourself for a day. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Once you\u2019ve identified a negative thought, don\u2019t try to reason with it\u2014engaging with it will take up too much of your energy and be unproductive. Instead, acknowledge the thought and pretend it\u2019s an uncomfortable comment made by a person whose opinion you disagree with. Remind yourself that they can share their opinion, but you don\u2019t have to listen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then, prove the thought wrong by doing something it claims you can\u2019t do. By doing the thing that feels impossible, you build your confidence and create evidence to look back on when you begin to question yourself again. For instance, returning to our previous example, you might start working on the book you\u2019ve always wanted to write despite the negative thoughts that tell you you\u2019re not smart enough to be an author.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Just as it\u2019s important to teach your child to interact with themselves in a healthy way, Perry argues that it\u2019s important to teach them how to treat others, especially during conflicts. It\u2019s inevitable that there will sometimes be conflicts in a household, whether between two parents, between a parent and a child, or between two other people. Having conflicts isn\u2019t inherently an issue\u2014it\u2019s the way you approach<\/em> these disputes that matters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Conflict resolution has a large effect on your child\u2019s feelings of security and safety. If conflicts are consistently handled in nonconstructive, dysfunctional ways, a child may feel emotionally insecure in their home space\u2014unable to relax because they never know when the next conflict will happen. As they\u2019re always on alert, they may find it hard to be open and curious when interacting with the rest of the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To model healthy conflict resolution for your child\u2014whether you\u2019re in a disagreement with them or with someone else\u2014Perry suggests paying attention<\/a> to your language. <\/p>\n\n\n\nOverview of The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read<\/em> by Philippa Perry<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Developing Your Parent-Child Relationship<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Area #1: Addressing How Your Upbringing Affects Your Parenting<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Putting It Into Practice: Decipher Where Emotions Belong<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Area #2: Understanding Attachment Styles<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Putting It Into Practice: Consider Your Own Attachment Style<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Putting It Into Practice: Respond to Your Baby\u2019s Cries<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Area #3: Teaching Your Child to Acknowledge and Name Their Emotions<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
The Different Ways We Deal With Emotions<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Putting It Into Practice: Name Your Child\u2019s Emotions<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Area #4: Making Amends When You Make a Mistake<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Putting It Into Practice: Change Your Behavior and Apologize<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Shaping Your Child\u2019s Other Relationships<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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Area #1: Assessing How You Speak About Yourself<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Putting It Into Practice: Address Negative Self-Talk<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Area #2: Modeling Healthy Conflict Resolution<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Putting It Into Practice: Avoid Accusatory Statements<\/h5>\n\n\n\n