Do you tend to bottle emotions or brood in them? Do you believe narratives that simply aren’t true?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Susan David’s Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change<\/a>, and Thrive in Work and Life<\/em> explains that most people react instinctively <\/em>to the way they perceive events. And, these perceptions are based on emotional, often-untrue narratives explaining why those events took place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Continue reading for an overview of this book that can help you get unstuck and move on in life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n When you experience a negative or stressful event, do you think through your responses carefully and act exactly as you want to? Or do you find yourself caught up in the emotions of the moment, acting in ways that you later feel embarrassed or ashamed of? Are your emotions knee-jerk reactions that you can’t seem to control?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Susan David’s Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life<\/a><\/em> (2016) contends that people often react in ways that don’t match the practical needs of the moment\u2014like blowing up over their spouse’s simple mistake\u2014and don’t align with their values, the things most important to them in life. This is because they’re driven by their narratives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n David\u2014a clinical psychologist and management consultant\u2014argues that you can break free of your controlling narratives through emotional agility, <\/em>the skill of seeing events and your emotions objectively. <\/strong>It allows you to choose your responses\u2014rather than reacting based on emotion-driven instincts\u2014and thereby manage negative events with calm clarity. You\u2019ll live more intentionally within your values.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: While David focuses almost exclusively on the control negative <\/em>emotions have over you, it\u2019s important to consider how positive <\/em>emotions control you, too. Research suggests that emotions usually seen as positive <\/em>can also negatively impact your choices. For example, optimism can make you more likely to take risks<\/a>\u2014for example, a feeling of optimistic excitement at the casino may drive you to spend much more money than you\u2019d intended. Consider how emotional agility\u2019s principles can apply to both <\/em>the negative and <\/em>positive emotions that control your behavior.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n We\u2019ll cover David\u2019s ideas in three parts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Your brain is programmed to take in sensory information and interpret it through narratives <\/em>explaining <\/strong>how and why the world works. David explains that people instinctively believe these narratives are true because they\u2019re informed by emotions<\/em><\/strong>, <\/em>which we\u2019re wired to pay attention to. Emotions serve the evolutionary purpose of creating a physiological reaction <\/em>in your body in response to external stimuli. <\/em>You may not need to run from danger like your ancestors, but your brain is still neurochemically wired to react to emotions\u2014and their associated narratives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re walking home at night and consider using a long, unlit street for a shortcut, your brain might draw upon a narrative that dark streets are dangerous. Your brain also gives you sweaty palms and a feeling of dread to encourage you to listen and avoid the shortcut.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Your brain often makes mistakes <\/em>when interpreting meaning from sensory information\u2014and, because it relies on these faulty interpretations to form narratives, the narratives it creates don\u2019t always reflect objective reality.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, a middle schooler might fail a test because he played video games instead of studying. His parents express disappointment <\/em>at his <\/em>priorities\u2014which the student’s brain misinterprets as anger at his failure. He forms the narrative, “If I fail at school, my parents will hate me.” As the student grows older, he views professional life through the old narrative\u2019s lens: “If I fail in my work project, my boss <\/em>will hate me.” This leads to an unfounded fear of his boss, anxiety over failure, and risk aversion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Narratives deliver information through an internal stream of consciousness that constantly<\/strong> fills your mind with thoughts, associated memories, and emotions<\/strong>. When you reflect on these thoughts, this inner voice<\/a> also drives you to judge yourself <\/em>through the lens of your narratives. David says these self-judgments create emotions of inadequacy and frustration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, if you experience a setback at work, your inner voice might whisper that you’ll never <\/em>succeed\u2014prompting shame and self-loathing. If you instinctively believe and act according to this narrative and these emotions, you might avoid risks that could lead to growth and fulfillment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When you feel negative emotions about an event, past or present, you may be tempted to use one of two common\u2014but unhelpful\u2014methods to deal with the pain: bottling and brooding. We\u2019ll explore each method and explain David\u2019s reasoning for why both methods fail.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bottlers attempt to avoid feeling or acknowledging negative emotions that arise from their narratives<\/strong>. They believe only weak people are affected by emotions and choose to reject them. David explains that you can ignore your emotions temporarily, but they\u2019ll grow stronger as you push them away\u2014until they eventually explode. For example, after many months of bottling hurt at your spouse\u2019s tendency to forget important events, you unexpectedly blow up at them for forgetting to pick up garlic at the store as you asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Moreover, Bottlers miss out on the ways emotions can be valuable.<\/strong> Remember that your emotions not only help you avoid danger, but they can also allow you to thrive. For example, working a dead-end job might frustrate you because you believe the narrative that you deserve more fulfilling work<\/a>. Bottling <\/em>that frustration so that you don\u2019t feel daily discomfort can also leave you unmotivated to find something better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Brooders<\/strong> ruminate on their narratives and negative emotions rather than bottling them.<\/strong> They often fixate on past negative experiences, repeatedly reliving the emotions associated with those events. These emotions and experiences can range from traumatic (hating a drunk driver who caused your long-term injury) to annoying (complaining to your spouse about a coworker\u2019s irritating habit). David says that those who brood in one <\/em>area likely do so in many other <\/em>areas of life, using brooding as a general approach to handling negative emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n David says that Brooders often believe they\u2019re working through their emotions<\/strong> in a healthy way by thinking about them over and over. However, the strategy of brooding never moves past an eternal loop of \u201cthink about it some more,\u201d which only intensifies the negative emotions and takes up mental space you could otherwise use to improve your life. Without a way to move on from painful emotions, merely thinking about <\/em>them can\u2019t free you from <\/em>them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The good news is that you don’t have to let your narratives\u2014or your emotional responses to them\u2014control you. Instead, David advocates cultivating the skill of emotional agility<\/em>\u2014viewing events and emotions objectively and responding deliberately.<\/p>\n\n\n\n David describes four steps for developing emotional agility: <\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s explore each step in detail. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The first step to achieving emotional agility is <\/strong>labeling<\/a> your emotions<\/em>\u2014that is, using honest, specific language to describe what you\u2019re feeling. <\/strong>David argues that the combination of honesty and specificity forces you to understand the exact nature of your emotions, no matter how uncomfortable. Otherwise, you might feel tempted to ignore them or to use vague words to avoid painful vulnerability.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, you might carry a decades-old burden of shame for never completing your education. You\u2019ve previously talked about these feelings in a way that lacks specificity: \u201cI wish I\u2019d \u2018done things differently\u2019 in life.\u201d Based on this generality, you think a career change will make you feel better\u2014but this doesn\u2019t address your feelings of shame and therefore doesn\u2019t help. On the other hand, labeling your emotions<\/a> precisely might mean saying, \u201cFor decades, I\u2019ve regretted dropping out of college. I\u2019ve felt shame for failing and wasting my parents\u2019 money. Every day since then, I feel sick at the mention of school or career growth.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once you\u2019ve labeled your emotions, you can begin the second step of developing emotional agility: accepting your emotions<\/a>.<\/em> This means compassionately giving yourself permission to feel, struggle, and fail. <\/strong>You\u2019ll acknowledge that neither the act of feeling unwanted emotions\u2014particularly guilt and shame\u2014nor the act of believing inaccurate narratives make you less of a person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To achieve acceptance and self-compassion<\/a>, David encourages you to look at your own faults and flaws as you would those of a loved one or a young child\u2014with forgiveness. This strips away the accusatory power that self-narratives<\/a> often hold.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In our example of feeling guilty about dropping out of college, you might be telling yourself that failing in the past makes you a failure. Self-compassion in this case might mean saying, \u201cI regret my past decision, but I can still learn from it and make different choices in the future.\u201d You acknowledge your past mistakes without believing the lie that you should feel guilt or shame forever<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n David notes that accepting your emotions can help you use them for their evolutionary purpose: prompting behaviors that can improve your life. Regret from dropping out of college might prompt reflection and planning for a return to school or an attempt at moving up in your career\u2014without<\/em> the fear that you\u2019re a failure who\u2019ll never succeed in new ventures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Labeling and accepting your emotions goes a long way to reducing their intensity and power over you\u2014which makes it easier to take the third step of developing emotional agility: viewing your emotions from an objective perspective<\/strong>. David says that, when you\u2019re able to look at your emotions\u2014and the narratives they come from\u2014from a rational, objective standpoint, you\u2019ll be able to see the flaws in your narrative and in your emotional reactions to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, you might feel anger as your brain forms the narrative, “He deliberately <\/em>cut in front of me!” For the rest of your commute, you brood in your anger. However, if you think about the situation objectively, you\u2019ll realize that the other driver likely wasn\u2019t <\/em>trying to mistreat you\u2014he simply didn\u2019t see you\u2014and there\u2019s no reason to be so angry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Additionally, understanding that your emotions are temporary experiences, <\/em>not absolute truths<\/em> about your life helps lessen the power of the narratives you hold about yourself<\/strong>. <\/strong>For example, the fact that you feel sad <\/em>in reaction to an event doesn\u2019t mean you can\u2019t handle stress or that your situation is hopeless. It only means that, at that moment, you feel sad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n David offers two techniques for gaining an objective perspective: mindfulness<\/a><\/em> for handling your present emotions and journaling<\/em> for handling your past emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Mindfulness is the act of paying attention<\/a> to your senses, emotions, and surroundings without judgment.<\/strong> David suggests that, by paying attention to the stimuli in your surroundings\u2014and the emotions that arise from your thoughts about these stimuli\u2014you can weaken your instinct to believe your narratives. Your brain avoids mindfulness to save you mental energy<\/a> in everyday life: If you can <\/em>pour a glass of water without paying close attention, you\u2019ll likely do so on autopilot every time you\u2019re thirsty. While on autopilot in this way, you\u2019re more susceptible to your narratives and emotions controlling you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, David says you don\u2019t need to be mindful at every moment in order to ward against narrative and emotional control. Instead, pay deliberate attention to your surrounding stimuli from time to time throughout the day. You\u2019ll gradually become more mindful with practice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Journaling means writing down your experiences, feelings, and thoughts\u2014or narrating them into a voice recorder. Unlike mindfulness, which deals with present emotions, journaling is a technique for processing past<\/em> emotions and narratives. David says journaling naturally leads you to label and accept your emotions, offering you a more objective understanding of <\/em>those emotions. Journaling can reduce the power of lifelong emotions and narratives, preparing you to actively choose your responses to emotions in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that you\u2019ve learned how to take back control from your narratives and emotions, you can move on to the final step of developing emotional agility: choosing your values<\/a>. Values are the guiding principles that shape your behaviors and decisions, the things in life that you believe are most important.<\/strong> David explains that everyone <\/em>has values, whether they realize it or not\u2014though for most people, many of these values are intrinsically tied to unconscious narratives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, your extended family might consider \u201cfamily\u201d a core value\u2014and look down on you for cutting an abusive parent out <\/em>of your life. You might then feel tempted to believe the narrative that you must always remain in contact with your family, no matter what.<\/p>\n\n\n\n David recommends contemplating the values others impose on you.<\/strong> Examine your behavior across different settings in your life. Do you act or speak differently around friends, family, and others? If so, why? Does this arise from a desire to appease <\/em>or impress <\/em>others who value certain behaviors more <\/em>than you do?<\/p>\n\n\n\n David says that, besides the values you receive from others, you also carry a set of personal, unique <\/em>values that, when pursued, will give you a sense of fulfillment and purpose.<\/strong> When you objectively understand your emotions<\/a>, you don\u2019t instinctively believe what your narratives and emotions say you should<\/em> value. <\/em>You\u2019re free to purposely determine\u2014and live by\u2014your personal values.<\/p>\n\n\n\n David gives advice on how to determine your values<\/a>: Ask yourself what life you\u2019d pursue if you had no obstacles or stress standing in your way.<\/strong> When you go to bed each night, think over your day and decide what parts of it were valuable and which didn\u2019t feel fulfilling. Imagine what your future self<\/a> might think of your current values\u2014and where those values will lead you in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even after you develop the skill of emotional agility, your past still affects you\u2014a past shaped by narratively and emotionally driven decisions. Changing the life you spent years building according to your narratives won\u2019t be easy, but living by a couple of David\u2019s principles will put you on the right path<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\nOverview of Emotional Agility<\/em> by Susan David<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Part 1: The Controlling Power of Narratives<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
When Narratives <\/strong>Don\u2019t <\/em><\/strong>Help You<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Unhealthy Responses to Your Controlling Narratives<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Bottlers<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Brooders <\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Part 2: Developing Emotional Agility<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Step 1: Label Your Emotions<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Step 2: Accept Your Emotions<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Step 3: View Your Emotions Objectively<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Handle Present Emotions With Mindfulness<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Handle Past Emotions With Journaling<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Step 4: Choose Your Values<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Choose and Pursue Your Personal<\/em> Values<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Part 3: Pursuing the Life You Want<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n