Are there people in your life you just can\u2019t understand? Does it sometimes sound like they’re speaking a different language?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In many ways, they are. Words That Change Minds<\/em>, a book by Shelle Rose Charvet, contends that each individual makes sense of the world in a unique way. When two people approach the same situation with completely different frames of mind, it can cause miscommunications, conflict, and animosity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Continue reading for an overview of this book that can help you understand others as well as speak their language.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n Words That Change Minds<\/em><\/a>, a book by Shelle Rose Charvet, argues that, if you learn how another person thinks, you can consciously match their frame of reference and speak in a language they understand.<\/strong> This is a powerful professional skill\u2014with it, you can build cooperative relationships<\/a> with coworkers, clients, and management, as well as influence them to help you achieve your goals<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Charvet is a professional speaker and founder of the Institute for Influence<\/a>, an educational organization offering online training programs in communication and persuasion. Through this organization, she has trained hundreds of professionals in 30 different countries around the world to become more effective leaders and communicators.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We\u2019ll begin by describing the framework of mental habits people use to make sense of the world. Then we\u2019ll outline each of the 14 mental habits that help you understand how to communicate with and influence others<\/a>: the six mental habits that explain why<\/em> people act the way they do and the eight that explain how <\/em>they go about solving problems. We\u2019ve rearranged the order of some of these mental habits, placing similar habits near one another to enhance flow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: As Charvet acknowledges in the book, social scientist Rodger Bailey was the first to delineate this set of 14 mental habits\u2014six explaining the \u201cwhy\u201d behind a person\u2019s actions and eight explaining the \u201chow.\u201d He drew these habits from a broader list by social scientist Leslie Cameron-Bandler of 60 mental habits she calls \u201cmetaprograms.\u201d<\/a> Presumably, Bailey chose these habits from the greater list because they\u2019re the most relevant and practical in a workplace setting. If you can motivate someone to work and let them work in the ways that suit them best, you don\u2019t need to know any more about them to produce value.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Charvet explains that her system of analyzing the way different people think and communicate is based on a field of psychological study called neuro-linguistic programming, or NLP. According to NLP, as people learn and grow, they \u201cprogram\u201d themselves with specific mental habits that determine how they judge situations and make decisions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n These relatively fixed mental habits cause people to consistently repeat the same behavioral patterns<\/a>, so if you understand someone\u2019s mental habits, you can predict how they\u2019ll act.<\/strong> For example, if someone habitually focuses on the details of a task rather than the big picture of what they\u2019re trying to accomplish, they may fixate on a to-do list<\/a> item at work that doesn\u2019t really matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n How do you figure out what someone\u2019s mental habits are? According to NLP, after someone develops certain mental habits, they reveal these habits in the <\/strong>language<\/em><\/strong> they use<\/strong> to describe their thought processes and the world around them. For example, someone who habitually focuses on details will give an abundance of concrete information when describing a situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Charvet contends that, by listening closely to the language someone uses when speaking, you can identify 14 mental habits that tell you everything you need to know to communicate effectively with that person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Charvet notes a key difference between this theory and other personality profiles (like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator<\/a> or the Big Five personality traits<\/a>): This framework acknowledges that the same person utilizes different mental habits in different situations<\/strong>. Identifying a mental habit someone uses doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019ve uncovered a core, unchanging part of their personality\u2014you\u2019ve just identified a situational behavior pattern that they\u2019ll likely repeat in a similar situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once you\u2019ve identified someone\u2019s mental habits, you need to mirror their linguistic style to effectively communicate with and influence them<\/strong>, according to Charvet. Speaking in the terms people naturally use to think and communicate will make you seem more rational and convincing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In the workplace, mirroring other people\u2019s language will help you convince them that your ideas are valuable, avoid conflicts rooted in misunderstanding or perceived disrespect, and encourage the people you’re managing or coaching to be more receptive to your advice. For example, if you notice that someone you\u2019re mentoring talks a lot about how their work makes others feel<\/em>, you could influence them to stop being late for meetings by mirroring that kind of language: \u201cThe team and I get a bit irritated whenever we have to wait for you to get here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The first six of the 14 mental habits reveal the reasons why an individual chooses to solve a problem (or not). For this reason, we\u2019ll call these six the \u201cWhy\u201d mental habits (Charvet refers to them as the six \u201cMotivation Patterns.\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n The majority of these mental habits are based on a dichotomy between two opposites. According to Charvet, this doesn\u2019t mean that people are either one or the other<\/strong>\u2014rather, the habits form a spectrum, and individuals often fall somewhere in between. For example, while some people prefer to work with a team and others prefer to work alone, there are also those who equally enjoy working with others and by themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The first Why habit we\u2019ll discuss refers to someone\u2019s readiness to spur themselves into action<\/strong>: Are they active <\/em>or passive<\/em>? (Charvet calls this the \u201cLevel\u201d category.) Active people progress toward their goals as quickly as possible, while passive people<\/a> tend to wait and analyze the situation<\/a> until the perfect opportunity arises or someone else pushes them into action.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You can tell someone is active if they speak in short, direct sentences that emphasize simple cause-and-effect sequences, asserts Charvet. To communicate effectively with an active person, mirror this effect. For example, you could say, \u201cWe\u2019re downsizing to keep this branch profitable.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n In contrast, passive people speak in long, often meandering sentences that highlight the subtle complexities of a situation. To break downsizing news to a passive person, you might say, \u201cAlthough there\u2019s great work being done in every department, it\u2019s likely that we\u2019ll start running a deficit unless we downsize to reduce our current expenses.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The second Why habit describes whether someone feels more motivated by the promise of a reward or by the threat of negative consequences<\/strong>: Are they positively<\/em> or negatively <\/em>incentivized? (Charvet calls this the \u201cDirection\u201d category.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Charvet, someone who\u2019s positively incentivized will frequently talk about their goals\u2014what they want to achieve and add to their life. For example, they might excitedly tell you, \u201cIf this project succeeds, we\u2019ll have the only product of its kind on the market.\u201d On the other hand, someone who\u2019s negatively incentivized will tend to talk about their fears and problems\u2014what they want to keep out of their life. They would emphasize that \u201cUnless we get this product to market quickly, we\u2019ll fall behind our competitors.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n To influence someone to take action, talk to positively incentivized people about opportunities they can gain and negatively incentivized people about threats they should avoid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The third Why habit refers to how people decide what to do and how they assess if they\u2019re doing it well<\/strong>: They\u2019re either self-validated<\/a> <\/em>or validated by others<\/em>. (Charvet calls this the \u201cSource\u201d category.) Self-validated people only want to work if they believe they\u2019re successfully doing something important. People validated by others only like working if someone like a boss or coworker tells them they\u2019re doing a good job at something important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Self-validated people make frequent judgments about their work and the work of others: For example, they might say, \u201cMy presentation at today\u2019s meeting went well. Although I was a little less organized than Justin, my visual aids got my point across well.\u201d In contrast, people validated by others defer to other people\u2019s opinions when judging someone\u2019s work: \u201cI think I had a good presentation today. Justin told me he was impressed, and I saw Michelle nodding a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Charvet notes that because they\u2019re so self-assured, persuading someone self-validated to change their mind can be a challenge. If you\u2019re trying to influence them, make sure to use suggestions rather than instructions. <\/strong>For instance, you could say, \u201cIf you want your message to be as clear as possible, you may want to cut each of your presentation slides down to a couple of bullet points.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n People validated by others are much easier to influence\u2014just strongly assert what you believe to be true or cite the standards of others: \u201cYou should keep your slides more concise. Michelle always responds well to a focused presentation.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The fourth Why habit describes how attached someone is to one specific way of solving a problem<\/strong>: They\u2019re either reliable <\/em>or innovative<\/em>. (Charvet calls this the \u201cReason\u201d category.) Reliable people identify one way to solve a problem and strive to consistently repeat their successes in the same way, while innovative people are always on the lookout for new and better ways to solve the same problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You can tell someone is reliable if they describe their actions as if they were out of their control, writes Charvet. For example, a reliable person would tell you \u201cI had to stay six hours overtime last week to finish up that urgent project.\u201d Innovative people, on the other hand, will dissect the factors influencing every decision they make and highlight the other choices they could have made: \u201cI could have left that project for Monday rather than putting in extra hours, but I wanted my boss to see how dedicated I am. Plus, I thought it\u2019d be nice to grab an overtime bonus before the holidays.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n To communicate effectively, mirror the other person\u2019s view of problem-solving: Emphasize either the one right way to do something or the variety of options they have when approaching it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The fifth Why habit we\u2019ll discuss refers to how often someone wants to upend the status quo<\/strong>: Are they eager for change<\/em> or content with stability<\/em>? (Charvet calls this the \u201cDecision Factors\u201d category.) That is, do they want to constantly shake things up in their life or keep things the same for as long as possible?<\/p>\n\n\n\n When thinking about the past, people who are more eager for change will highlight how much things have changed\u2014they might say, \u201cRunning a nonprofit is much more fulfilling than my career managing restaurants.\u201d Someone content with stability with the same r\u00e9sum\u00e9 would focus on the things that stayed the same: \u201cI\u2019ve been a manager for the last 20 years.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you want to influence someone eager for change to do something, emphasize how exciting and new it is (\u201cGoing to college would be a whole new adventure for you!\u201d). If they\u2019re content with stability, emphasize how it\u2019s similar to things they\u2019ve done in the past (\u201cI think continuing your education would really help you maintain your personal growth\u201d).<\/p>\n\n\n\n The sixth Why habit is a bit different than the other five\u2014instead of existing on a spectrum between two types, people can express this habit in infinite ways. Charvet argues that everyone has a unique set of ideals,<\/em> specific words that represent the things or attributes that are most important to them<\/strong>. (Charvet calls these ideals \u201cCriteria.\u201d) For instance, if someone says they love their job because they\u2019re working toward a noble mission and get to spend time with a supportive team<\/a>, \u201cnoble mission\u201d and \u201csupportive team\u201d might be two of their ideals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you refer to one of someone\u2019s ideals using different words, it won\u2019t mean the same thing to them. Charvet contends that a person\u2019s ideals\u2014the words themselves<\/em>\u2014are tied to myriad emotional memories that give the words their motivating power. Thus, when trying to communicate with or influence someone, only refer to their ideals using their exact words<\/strong>. To return to our example above, you could convince that person to volunteer at your organization by emphasizing the noble mission<\/em> you and your supportive team<\/em> are looking to achieve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The final eight mental habits explain how an individual does their best work after they\u2019ve decided to solve a problem. We\u2019ll call these the eight \u201cHow\u201d mental habits (\u201cProductivity Patterns,\u201d in Charvet\u2019s words).<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Charvet, understanding How habits is particularly important for managers who need to assign tasks to team members, as these mental habits reveal individuals\u2019 strengths and weaknesses in the workplace. To maximize productivity<\/a>, assign team members tasks that require them to think as they\u2019re naturally inclined to think<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As with Why habits, most How habits lie on a spectrum between two opposites, and verbally mirroring someone\u2019s habit-driven language is one of the best ways to communicate with and influence them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The first How habit we\u2019ll discuss describes whether someone is more insightful when looking at the big picture<\/a> or individual situations<\/strong>: Are they whole-oriented <\/em>or detail-oriented<\/em>? (Charvet calls this the \u201cScope\u201d category.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Whole-oriented people tend to speak in abstract, sometimes vague terms, writes Charvet. They might say, \u201cWe decided to move Brian to the sales team.\u201d In contrast, detail-oriented people tend to describe concrete situations, sometimes in painstaking detail: \u201cLast Friday, Trudy, Mark, and I met in Conference Room B and decided that Brian would be a better fit on the sales team because of how much he\u2019s improved his people skills.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Make sure to talk in terms of the big picture with whole-oriented people; otherwise, they\u2019ll either get bored or feel overwhelmed. Likewise, speak in comprehensive, concrete terms with detail-oriented people, or they\u2019ll become frustrated with your vague language.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The second How habit is a description of how someone reacts to high-pressure situations<\/strong>: Are they level-headed <\/em>or neurotic<\/em>? Do they address intense events with cool, dispassionate logic, or do they frequently become emotionally overwhelmed? (Charvet calls this the \u201cStress Response\u201d category.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Charvet clarifies that unlike most of the other mental habits, this one isn\u2019t revealed through the words someone says. You can gauge whether someone is level-headed or neurotic by paying attention<\/a> to how outwardly emotional they are while speaking<\/strong>, especially when discussing a challenging situation. Level-headed people typically stay low-key and detached in conversation, while neurotic people visibly display emotions with their whole bodies\u2014for instance, slumping their shoulders and collapsing into a chair when describing an exhausting day at work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To influence level-headed people, take care to explain your point of view with airtight logic. To influence neurotic people, speak in emotional language that gets them excited to act.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The third How habit refers to someone\u2019s preferred level of interaction with other people<\/strong>: Are they a team player<\/em> or a lone wolf<\/em>? (Charvet calls this the \u201cStyle\u201d category.) Team players do their best work in close collaboration with others\u2014when they\u2019re alone, they may struggle to focus and get things done. In contrast, lone wolves need their own space to do their best work and get distracted if other people are nearby.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To identify whether someone is a team player or a lone wolf, pay attention to how much they mention others when describing their tasks. Team players emphasize the actions of those around them: They might say \u201cWe launched our new ad campaign before the deadline we set for ourselves.\u201d Lone wolves emphasize the actions and decisions they make as individuals: \u201cI finished designing the full set of banner ads two months before launch day.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re managing a team, Charvet recommends that you make sure that team players have opportunities to collaborate with their coworkers while also making sure lone wolves have the personal time and space they need to do their work alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The fourth How habit describes someone\u2019s sensitivity to nonverbal signals<\/a> when interacting with others<\/strong>: They\u2019re either interpersonally aware<\/em> or self-preoccupied<\/a><\/em>. (Charvet calls this the \u201cAttention Direction\u201d category.) People who are interpersonally aware are constantly monitoring the emotions and thoughts of those around them, while self-preoccupied people are only aware of their own emotions and thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Charvet contends that you can differentiate interpersonally aware and self-preoccupied people through their body language<\/a>: Interpersonally aware people will display animated movements and facial expressions, whereas self-preoccupied people will generally display a flat affect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because your thoughts and emotions<\/a> have such an impact on interpersonally aware people, send friendly nonverbal signals to make them more receptive to what you\u2019re trying to say. On the other hand, self-preoccupied people typically won\u2019t pick up on these signals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The fifth How habit we\u2019ll discuss refers to how much someone believes emotions are a part of their work<\/strong>: Are they empathetic <\/em>or analytic<\/em>? (Charvet calls this the \u201cOrganization\u201d category.) Empathetic people see all their tasks as primarily emotional endeavors\u2014the whole point of the work they do is to positively impact someone emotionally (clients, co-workers, or anyone else they interact with). Analytic people, on the other hand, choose to focus on completing meaningful tasks without regard for how those around them feel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Charvet explains that when discussing their work, empathetic people will describe how it made them and those around them feel. Mirror this when communicating with them\u2014you might praise an empathetic person by saying, \u201cI loved your proposal to construct a new branch downtown, and the shareholders are going to love it, too.\u201d On the other hand, when discussing their work, analytic people will simply describe the tasks they completed. You can appeal to them by similarly focusing on the work: \u201cYour proposal is great. It\u2019s very well-researched.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The sixth How habit describes the behavioral standards someone expects themselves and others to meet<\/strong>. (Charvet calls this the \u201cRule Structure\u201d category.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Charvet, people can have one of four possible types of personal standards<\/a>: objective, subjective, external, and egocentric. People with objective <\/em>standards believe that certain behavior is objectively virtuous and desirable, judging everyone\u2019s work (including their own) by the same criteria. In contrast, people with subjective<\/em> standards believe that what\u2019s good for one individual might not be good for another, and they tend to avoid judging or intervening in the behavior of others. <\/p>\n\n\n\n People with external standards<\/em> need someone or something to tell them what behavior is appropriate or objectively good. They then apply these rules as objective standards for themselves and others. Finally, people with egocentric standards<\/em> do whatever they believe is best and completely disregard the behavior of others. They also disregard whatever standards others have for them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Charvet recommends discerning someone\u2019s personal standards by directly asking them how they would ideally behave at work, then asking how someone else should ideally behave at work. To influence someone, appeal to their personal standards. For example, if someone has subjective standards, you might say, \u201cAttending this leadership conference might not benefit everyone, but I think it would serve you well.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The seventh How habit refers to the kind of evidence people need to encounter before changing their mind about something.<\/strong> We\u2019ll call someone\u2019s preference for one form of evidence their persuasion style<\/a><\/em>. (Charvet calls this the \u201cConvincer Channel\u201d category.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Charvet asserts that everybody has one of four persuasion styles: They find visual evidence<\/em>, auditory evidence<\/em>, written evidence<\/em>, or experiential evidence<\/em> the most persuasive. You can discern which persuasion style someone has by asking them how they came to a certain conclusion; for instance, you could ask how they determined that their current job was right for them. The evidence they used to reach their answer will correspond with one of the four persuasion styles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To get someone to come to a certain conclusion after you\u2019ve discerned their persuasion style, present them with their preferred form of evidence. For example, if you want to persuade someone that your restaurant is successful so they give you a loan for expansion, you can show them charts of your profits as visual evidence, practice a compelling business pitch as auditory evidence, show them customer reviews as written evidence, or let them taste your food as experiential evidence.<\/p>\n\n\n\nOverview of Words That Change Minds<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
The Mental Habits That Shape Communication<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
How to Identify Mental Habits<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Mirror Mental Habits to Communicate Well<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
The Six \u201cWhy\u201d Mental Habits<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Why Habit #1: Active or Passive<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Why Habit #2: Positively or Negatively Incentivized<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Why Habit #3: Self-Validated or Validated by Others<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Why Habit #4: Reliable or Innovative<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Why Habit #5: Eager for Change or Content With Stability<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Why Habit #6: Ideals<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
The Eight \u201cHow\u201d Mental Habits<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
How Habit #1: Whole-Oriented or Detail-Oriented<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How Habit #2: Level-Headed or Neurotic<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How Habit #3: Team Player or Lone Wolf<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How Habit #4: Interpersonally Aware or Self-Preoccupied<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How Habit #5: Empathetic or Analytic<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How Habit #6: Personal Standards<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How Habit #7: Persuasion Style<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How Habit #8: Persuasion Requirements<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n