Do you think that your partner might be a narcissist? What are common signs of narcissistic behavior in a relationship?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Spotting a narcissist can be hard because they\u2019re very good at hiding their behavior. There are a few behaviors, however, that are easy to point out if you know what to look for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Below we\u2019ve listed five signs of narcissistic behavior in a relationship that are red flags.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
One sign of narcissistic behavior in a relationship is a repeating pattern of showering you with love, compliments, and affection to suck you into a relationship, only to then tear you down<\/strong> psychologically through covert and direct insults. Power<\/em><\/a> by Shahida Arabi says that this tends to end with the narcissist cruelly abandoning you, though they are likely to try to maintain control and start the pattern all over again with false promises of changing their behavior. Arabi refers to this as the \u201cIdealize-Devalue-Discard\u201d cycle.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n This tactic is effective because, at the neurological level, it establishes a biochemical addiction to the narcissist<\/strong>. The narcissist\u2019s false charm and over-the-top expressions of love (what Arabi calls \u201clove-bombing\u201d) tend to make you invested in them quickly, and it leads to high amounts of the brain chemical dopamine that makes you feel good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Arabi then says that when the narcissist begins to turn on you and withhold that affection, you\u2019ll strive to please them to get back to that level of dopamine. By erratically flip-flopping between love and cruelty, the narcissist creates what psychologists call an \u201cintermittent reward\u201d that makes the dopamine rush<\/a> even more intense when they finally treat you well. Arabi compares this to when people play slot machines, and they can\u2019t stop playing because of the randomness of the occasional earnings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Arabi writes that during the stages of hurting you psychologically, the narcissist may use outright insults, like \u201cYou\u2019re so bad at your job\u201d or more covert tactics that they try to hide their malice behind<\/strong>. For example, they might express fake concern by saying, \u201cI\u2019m worried that you don\u2019t make enough money to meet your needs,\u201d knowing full well that you do<\/em>. Arabi says that this type of insincere statement is intended to make you feel worthless and inadequate (which makes narcissists feel better about themselves). Arabi adds that because of their pathological envy, narcissists will especially target areas in which you\u2019re successful and confident. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists may also damage your self-esteem by speaking poorly of you to others<\/strong>, often projecting their own faults onto you. For example, they might tell everyone in your friend group that you\u2019re<\/em> controlling and rude to them. This constant trash-talking (what Arabi calls the \u201csmear campaign\u201d) is intended to damage your reputation to the point of causing social isolation<\/a>, so you\u2019re even more dependent on them. Arabi says that this also reduces your ability to confide in others about the abuse, thereby making it less likely that you\u2019ll be able to hold the abuser accountable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Lastly, Arabi says narcissists often strategically talk about other people in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself<\/strong> by comparison<\/strong>. Arabi calls this \u201ctriangulation\u201d because the narcissist brings a third person into the relationship dynamic, even though that person may not even be aware this is happening, and the information is often false. For example, the narcissist might bring up their ex-partner frequently, talking about how talented they are or other positive traits. Similar to the covert insult examples, the narcissist might target either the areas you like about yourself (to erode your confidence) or the areas you\u2019re particularly insecure about (to inflict a deeper psychological wound). <\/p>\n\n\n\n The next common sign of narcissistic behavior in a relationship is gaslighting, in which the abuser makes you feel like the abuse isn\u2019t actually happening or that your negative reaction to their abuse is unwarranted<\/strong>. Power<\/em><\/a> says they might achieve this with blatant denial, like \u201cThat never happened,\u201d or by feigning innocence and implying that you\u2019re overly sensitive. For example, they might use statements like \u201cI didn\u2019t know you would get so upset about that\u2014I didn\u2019t mean any harm,\u201d even when they intentionally hurt and triggered you.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Arabi explains that this tactic is highly damaging because it makes you question whether the abuse is really happening and makes you feel ashamed for being too sensitive or critical. This ultimately gives the narcissist more ammunition to harm (an additional insecurity to target) and reduces your ability to call them out or hold them accountable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Narcissists in relationships tend to feel entitled<\/a> to their feelings and desires, even if they hurt their partner. Entitled people<\/a> don\u2019t learn from failure<\/a> and challenges to become empathetic adults.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck<\/em><\/strong><\/a> by Mark Manson says that entitled people feel they deserve rewards they didn\u2019t earn, <\/strong>and convince themselves they\u2019re doing great things when they\u2019re not, which is an example of narcissistic behavior in a relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n At the extreme, entitled people are self-aggrandizing<\/strong>\u2014if something good happens to them they believe it\u2019s because they\u2019re great; if something bad happens then it\u2019s not their fault. They do whatever they feel is necessary to maintain their self-image and status, including abusing others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The real gauge of a person\u2019s self-esteem is<\/a> how they feel about their flaws and bad experiences, not how they feel about their positive experiences. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Manson says that if you have genuine self-esteem, then you recognize your flaws and work to fix them. If you have a fragile self-esteem that comes from entitlement, then you do everything you can to hide your flaws (even from yourself) and deny that they exist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Far from feeling conflicted or guilty about their abuse, many abusers see their behavior as justified and even necessary for the relationship to function. In Why Does He Do That?<\/em><\/a>, Lundy Bancroft notes that while many of his clients fully understood that they were causing harm, they rationalized their behavior, saying things like, \u201cI\u2019m not like one of those men who would hit a woman for no reason<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n In the abuser\u2019s mind, the victim actually <\/strong>causes<\/em><\/strong> the abuse by stepping out of line or upsetting them<\/strong>. The abuser expects their partner to behave according to their rules, and whatever controlling or retaliatory action they take is either necessary to control their partner or \u201cnot that bad\u201d compared to truly meaningless cruelty. According to Bancroft, it\u2019s this self-justification<\/a> that makes abusers get worse over time, as increasingly violent and aggressive behavior will become acceptable to them if it allows them to maintain control over the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to licensed counselor Jay Reid<\/a>, a narcissist can turn off their narcissistic persona and turn on the charm when there\u2019s a risk that someone might witness his abuse and bring consequences to bear. Several victims recount that as soon as the police showed up, their abuser became calm and articulate, downplaying what happened or depicting her as hysterical. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Why Does He Do That?<\/em><\/a> discusses how abusers, in general, will also often wait until they\u2019re behind closed doors to turn on a partner, even if what upset them occurred hours or weeks earlier. Many victims remain trapped in abusive relationships because their abuser is so good at switching between personas that no one believes such a likable person could be abusive.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n This ability to quickly switch between personas is sometimes discussed in psychiatry as a trait of sociopathy or personality disorders<\/a>. While any abuser can switch personas, this is a common narcissistic behavior in a relationship. When a person lacks empathy or is unable to form strong emotional attachments to others<\/a>, it\u2019s easy for them to treat people with extreme charm or extreme cruelty\u2014their behavior isn\u2019t motivated by genuine feeling, but by a desire to \u201cwin\u201d a social interaction and get what they want, and they feel little to no guilt for the emotional impact their behavior has on others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n While most abusers aren\u2019t full sociopaths or narcissists, they do tend to lack empathy for their victims. This absence of feeling similarly enables both the abuse and the abuser\u2019s ability to manipulate others into seeing only what he wants them to see\u2014a charming, trustworthy, and nonviolent person. <\/p>\n\n\n\n A narcissist\u2019s suppression of the self\u2014to avoid disapproval, conflict, or strong emotions\u2014leads them to frequent disappointment. In fact, <\/strong>their indirect and avoidant nature results in an angry cycle of self-victimization. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In No More Mr. Nice Guy<\/em><\/a>, Robert Glover<\/a> stresses that in their frustration with life, a so-called \u201cNice Guy\u201d is often far from nice<\/em>.<\/strong> In fact, <\/strong>their indirect and avoidant nature results in an angry cycle of self-victimization that is often seen in narcissists<\/a>:\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n A narcissist does something to <\/strong>appear<\/em><\/strong> nice \u2192 He stews in silent resentment when things don\u2019t automatically go his way \u2192 Unable to contain his anger any longer, he eventually lashes out via tantrums, passive-aggressive behavior, or even abuse.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Glover notes that because he avoids addressing the root cause of his tantrum\u2014opting to \u201cfix\u201d the reactions of others instead\u2014the cycle continues indefinitely<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This cycle is often referred to as a disorder of its own: the victim mentality<\/a><\/strong>. Psychoanalyst Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries presents a similar cycle when discussing victimhood<\/a>. Just as a narcissist believes he must people-please to get what he wants out of life, de Vries\u2019s victim<\/em> stage is defined by a belief that all control over your life rests in the hands of external forces. And like a narcissist\u2019s eventual angry outbursts, his victimizer<\/em> stage sees the \u201cvictim\u2019s\u201d feelings of powerlessness turn into a rage that gets taken out on the innocent people around them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n However, unlike Glover, de Vries adds a final rescuer <\/em>stage, in which the \u201cvictim\u201d decides to \u201crescue\u201d others in an attempt to fix everyone\u2019s problems except their own. When someone tries to help the \u201cvictim\u201d in return, they invent reasons to resist this assistance to unconsciously affirm their victim status and elicit more attention. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This is by no means an exhaustive list of narcissistic behaviors in a relationship, but these are warning signs you can look out for. A narcissist can trap you in an unhealthy relationship if you ignore the signs, which can be damaging to your mental health. When you notice a red flag, remind yourself that you deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What are other signs of narcissistic behavior in a relationship? Let us know in the comments below!<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Do you think that your partner might be a narcissist? What are common signs of narcissistic behavior in a relationship? Spotting a narcissist can be hard because they\u2019re very good at hiding their behavior. There are a few behaviors, however, that are easy to point out if you know what to look for. Below we\u2019ve listed five signs of narcissistic behavior in a relationship that are red flags.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":50385,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12],"tags":[452],"class_list":["post-111514","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-guides","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nAttacking Your Self-Esteem<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
2. Gaslighting<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
3. Entitlement<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Narcissists See Their Behavior as Justified<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. They Put Up a Front With Others<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
5. Self-Victimization<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
The Victim Mentality<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Final Words<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n