Are you tired of your child’s whining? Are you concerned about their lying? Are you ready to move past putting out fires and address the root of the behaviors?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
No, you\u2019re not a bad parent. And, your kids are actually good kids. Parenting is just hard. If you wish it came with a manual, Good Inside <\/em>might be just what you need. Dr. Becky Kennedy\u2019s book can help you make changes in your child\u2019s behavior while building a positive relationship with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Keep reading to learn how to address 10 common challenges parents face with solutions from this clinical psychologist and mom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n Kennedy suggests specific approaches for handling each challenge so that you can foster behavioral change without jeopardizing your connection to your child. We\u2019ve chosen to describe some of Kennedy\u2019s most representative strategies when dealing with each of these challenges parents face. But, many strategies are applicable in more than one situation. For each challenge, we\u2019ve highlighted strategies that apply Kennedy\u2019s key tools: boundaries, empathy, validation, connection, playfulness, and confidence-building.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy argues that if you believe your child doesn\u2019t listen to you, the issue isn\u2019t listening, but cooperating<\/strong>\u2014in other words, your child isn\u2019t complying with your requests. When your kid doesn\u2019t cooperate, it\u2019s likely because they\u2019re feeling disconnected<\/a> from you or because you\u2019re asking them to do something they don\u2019t want to do. The latter is the nature of parenting, but there are ways to make your requests less confrontational and more engaging<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To make your requests less confrontational, Kennedy recommends using the following tools: 1) validation, 2) connection, and 3) playfulness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Acknowledge that you\u2019re interrupting your child\u2019s activities, or that you\u2019re asking for something they don\u2019t like. Then, Kennedy suggests involving your child in the decision-making<\/a>. For example, give her options, like tidying up alone or with your help, or brainstorm ways to make the task more agreeable, like playing music while tidying up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy recommends building your connection with your child<\/a> before<\/em> asking her to do something<\/strong>. Regularly spend at least 10 minutes one-on-one with your child (each individual child, if you have more than one) with no devices or distractions. Observe her play, describe what she does, or mimic her activities. Don\u2019t ask questions or give her instructions\u2014this is her time!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy also suggests sprinkling some silliness onto your asks, especially the less enticing ones. For example, close your eyes and say that if the task is done by the time you open them, you\u2019ll run around the room in a victory lap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy explains that tantrums are episodes in which a child is feeling emotions more powerful than what they\u2019re able to process,<\/strong> and they become dysregulated as a result. Tantrums aren\u2019t misbehavior\u2014they\u2019re a moment where your child\u2019s body gets out of their control. They\u2019re important for your child\u2019s development because they shape the foundation of them knowing what they want and being able to ask\u2014and, if necessary, fight\u2014for what they want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To help your child learn to regulate her emotions without squashing her emerging will and assertiveness, work with the underlying urge. Kennedy suggests using two tools: 1) empathy and validation and 2) connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ensure that you\u2019re calm and have perspective on the situation. Kennedy urges you to remember that your child\u2019s meltdown is developmentally appropriate and not a reflection of your parenting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Validate what your child is feeling and how powerful and important it is. Kennedy explains that putting your kid\u2019s urge into words tells her that you understand what she\u2019s experiencing, even if you can\u2019t allow her to have what she wants. At the same time, tell her that you\u2019re right there with her, and stay present until the tantrum subsides.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes, Kennedy says, tantrums become aggressive if the feelings are so intense that the child becomes frightened at her own loss of control.<\/strong> The stress hormone<\/a> cortisol floods her body and sets off aggressive behavior like kicking or biting. Aggressive tantrums are also developmentally normal, but they need a different approach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When your child\u2019s tantrum takes an aggressive turn, Kennedy recommends using two tools: 1) boundaries and 2) validation and empathy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Enforce the necessary boundaries to keep everyone safe. Tell your child that you won\u2019t let her continue the aggressive behavior, and, if necessary, Kennedy explains you might have to use your body to stop her without hurting her. Give her a safe and acceptable outlet for her urges. If the tantrum continues, take your child to a small room and sit there with her. Model calm behavior through deep breathing and a soothing voice. Stay there with your child until the tantrum subsides.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy suggests that after the tantrum, once everyone is calm, you should talk about what happened with your child to validate her experience and show her how she eventually rode out the tantrum. Narrate to your child what triggered the tantrum, how she felt, what her body did, and what you both did until her body regulated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sibling relationships can be challenging for children and elicit unwanted behavior<\/strong>, such as fighting or whining. Kennedy argues this is because siblings can feel threatening to a child\u2019s attachment needs since they can see your attention going to someone else. The difference in abilities and in the parental involvement other siblings require can also be frustrating to children. <\/p>\n\n\n\n To help your children manage the emotions that sibling relationships generate, Kennedy suggests using the following tools: 1) empathy, 2) confidence-building, and 3) a combination of validation and boundaries.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Give your children the opportunity to complain about their siblings to you\u2014just not in the presence of the aggrieving sibling. Kennedy says that this will give them an outlet for their emotions without harming the relationship between them. Don\u2019t let the complaining turn into name-calling, as this is dangerous and destructive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Explain that you\u2019ll give each child what they need, not give them each the same thing. Kennedy argues that this will help avoid comparisons in the short term and, in the long run, it will help your children define their wants and needs for themselves, not in reference to other people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When an argument is brewing, Kennedy says you should be an objective narrator. Describe what you\u2019re seeing and how each must be feeling, and pose questions to prompt them to problem solve without you. If a situation turns physically or verbally aggressive, step in decisively: Announce that you won\u2019t let them hurt each other, then separate them. Decide which sibling needs you most urgently and tell the other sibling that you\u2019ll be with them soon and that you know they need you, too. Then help each one regulate their emotions using the strategies for tantrums.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Parents often see defiance, whining, and lying as signs of lack of respect, but Kennedy argues instead that they\u2019re symptoms of an underlying emotional discomfort<\/strong>. When your child engages in these behaviors, use empathy and connection<\/a> to validate what they\u2019re feeling, and to foster a relationship in which they don\u2019t need to resort to those behaviors. Kennedy recommends three tools for addressing each behavior: 1) boundaries, 2) validation, and 3) connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy argues that a child who\u2019s being defiant is feeling an urge she can\u2019t express in a healthy way. If your child is being defiant, calmly enforce the boundary and then see if there\u2019s an alternative, acceptable way for her to express the urge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy believes children whine when they feel powerless, overwhelmed, or disconnected from you. If your child is whining, express her emotions in a neutral, non-whiny, voice. Then, consider what you can do to tend to her need for power, calmness, or connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy argues that a child who\u2019s lying wishes for something that isn\u2019t possible. It can be a desire for a fantasy to come true, to separate herself from something that might threaten her attachment to her caregivers, or to be independent. If the lie is about something that\u2019s not possible, restate the lie as a wish. If it\u2019s a desire to protect her attachment to you or to be independent, help her feel safe by telling her what you\u2019d do if, hypothetically, you knew the truth about whatever she\u2019s lying about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fears, anxiety, and crying\u2014even \u201cfake\u201d crying\u2014are expressions of vulnerability. <\/strong>Kennedy explains that when children perceive a threat, their bodies feel fear or anxiety. When they feel sadness, they cry. When they feel disconnected from their caregivers, they pretend-cry to secure that connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy argues that parents often shut down these expressions of vulnerability because they trigger uncomfortable feelings related to their own vulnerability. You might try to convince your child to stop being sad, anxious, or afraid, or even shame her for feeling that way. But this teaches her that these feelings are wrong and to be avoided, which leaves her unprepared for real life. Instead, support her through those feelings so she develops the tools to work through them in the future<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To help your child learn to work through her vulnerable feelings, Kennedy suggests the following tools: 1) confidence-building, 2) validation and empathy, and 3) playfulness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy suggests starting by naming the feelings your child is experiencing and letting her know that it\u2019s okay to feel them, even if it\u2019s uncomfortable. Then, help her brainstorm strategies to deal with a fear or anxiety, and practice the strategies with her when you know a challenging situation is coming up. Share similar feelings you\u2019ve had in the past and how you worked through them. Let her know you\u2019re glad she\u2019s sharing this important information with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Take advantage of your child\u2019s favorite stories and characters to start conversations<\/a> about emotions. For example, Kennedy recommends pointing out when fictional characters cry and talking about how they must be feeling, or role-playing challenging situations using your child’s stuffed animals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When kids are shy or hesitant to join in an activity or group, parents often worry that they\u2019re underconfident. But, as we\u2019ve seen, Kennedy believes that confidence is about being sure of what you feel and what does or doesn\u2019t feel good. A kid who takes her time before joining a group or activity is giving herself time to build trust in the group and situation<\/strong>\u2014this shows that she\u2019s confident about who she is and what feels good and safe for her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If your child has a tendency to be shy or hesitant, Kennedy suggests using the tools of validation and confidence-building.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy reminds you that hesitancy can be an important life skill as your child grows into a teenager and adult who will face unsafe situations. Refrain from calling your child shy, for example, because children will identify with the labels we assign them. Instead, describe how she\u2019s taking her time to feel comfortable. Tell your child that she\u2019ll know when she\u2019s ready to jump in and that there\u2019s no rush. This demonstrates that you trust her and that she can trust herself, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Children need to develop frustration tolerance<\/a> because, as Kennedy explains, learning requires making mistakes and being okay with not knowing everything at first.<\/strong> Kids who have a tendency toward perfectionism need extra help with this because their self-worth is deeply tied to their achievements.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To build your child\u2019s frustration tolerance, Kennedy suggests using the tool of confidence-building.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy says you should encourage a growth mindset<\/a>. Be patient when your child gets frustrated and takes a while to figure things out, and be okay with getting frustrated when you\u2019re doing something difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy also suggests that you praise kids<\/a> for what\u2019s inside them, not the outcome. She suggests that instead of saying \u201cgood job,\u201d you remark on how hard they worked or ask questions about the process. This centers their experience instead of the product and teaches them to look inside for validation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Furthermore, Kennedy suggests that you reframe your role in your child\u2019s learning: Don\u2019t think of yourself as the teacher of the skill but as the coach showing your child how to cope with the struggle of learning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Kennedy, bodily autonomy enables a child to say \u201cno\u201d when they don\u2019t feel comfortable with something<\/strong>, even if the boundary makes others upset. It\u2019s the result of a child trusting her internal cues and feeling confident in enforcing boundaries because she knows they matter. To foster your child\u2019s developing bodily autonomy, Kennedy recommends using the tools of validation and confidence-building.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Assume that your child\u2019s experience is true. When your child expresses discomfort, hesitation, or some other negative feeling, Kennedy urges you to believe her. Don\u2019t tell her she\u2019s exaggerating or being silly. Remind her that only she can determine what feels good or bad in her body. Describe what she\u2019s feeling to help her learn how to explain it herself later on. When you\u2019re not sure what she\u2019s feeling or what\u2019s triggering her discomfort, Kennedy suggests you simply say there\u2019s something in the situation that feels bad to her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bodily autonomy also plays out during mealtime struggles<\/a>.<\/strong> Kennedy explains that, as a parent, you feel responsible for nourishing your child, and you might see her refusal of Brussels sprouts as your failure to live up to that responsibility. But, your child is learning to exercise control over her body, and she sees your insistence on eating that vegetable as a threat to her bodily independence<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy suggests that you explain to your child the limits and options she has during mealtimes, according to her role. Your job as a parent is to decide what food is available to your child and when and where she can have it. Your child\u2019s job is to decide whether she\u2019s going to eat it and how much of it she\u2019s going to have.<\/p>\n\n\n\nChallenges Parents Face<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #1: Getting Your Child to Listen<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Validation and Connection<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Playfulness<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #2: Dealing With Tantrums<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Empathy<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Validation and Connection<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Dealing With Aggressive Tantrums<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Boundaries<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Validation and Empathy<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #3: Navigating Sibling Relationships<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Empathy<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Confidence-Building<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Validation and Boundaries<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #4: Coping With Defiance, Whining, & Lying<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Boundaries<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Validation<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Connection<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #5: Dealing With Fearful, Anxious, & Crying Kids<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Confidence-Building, Validation, & Empathy<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Playfulness<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #6: Encouraging a Hesitant & Shy Child<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Validation and Confidence-Building<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #7: Handling Frustration & Perfectionism<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Confidence-Building<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #8: Encouraging Bodily Autonomy & Healthy Relationships With Food<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Validation & Confidence-Building<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
The Boundaries of Bodily Autonomy at Mealtimes<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #9: Soothing Separation Anxiety & Bedtime Struggles<\/h3>\n\n\n\n