Do your kids compare themselves to each other? Do you have a child who “pretend-cries”? Do you find yourself in a struggle at mealtimes and bedtimes?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In her book Good Inside<\/em>, clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy explains what confidence really means and how confident children are more equipped to handle what life throws at them. She shows how you can help your child develop this all-important trait and start using it to deal with a variety of situations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Read more to discover how building confidence in your child can help them meet six common challenges.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n Kennedy disagrees with the common idea that confidence\u2014in kids and adults\u2014is all about feeling positive about yourself. Instead, she argues that confidence is being sure about who you are<\/a> even when big emotions are taking place, knowing what you feel, and trusting yourself<\/a><\/strong> to know what feels good and what doesn\u2019t. The opposite of self-confidence is self-doubt<\/a>, and it\u2019s the result of having your feelings invalidated so often that you can no longer be sure that what you\u2019re feeling is real. You can build confidence<\/a> in your child by helping her learn to tune into and trust herself, her feelings, and her capacity to deal with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Kennedy\u2019s understanding of confidence as certainty about who you are and what you feel is different from traditional views of confidence which are more focused on action and accomplishment. For example, in The Confidence Code<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>Katty Kay and Claire Shipman argue that confidence is believing so strongly that you can do something that you\u2019re driven to actually do<\/em> it<\/a>. <\/strong>The belief stems from mastery\u2014you know you can do something because you\u2019ve worked hard and pushed through past difficulties and failures.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy recommends confidence-building as a tool to help your child meet six different challenges.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sibling relationships can be challenging for children and elicit unwanted behavior<\/strong>, such as fighting or whining. Kennedy argues this is because siblings can feel threatening to a child\u2019s attachment needs since they can see your attention going to someone else. The difference in abilities and in the parental involvement other siblings require can also be frustrating to children. <\/p>\n\n\n\n To help your children manage the emotions that sibling relationships generate, Kennedy suggests using the following tools: 1) empathy, 2) confidence-building, and 3) a combination of validation and boundaries. Let’s look at how building confidence in your child helps you meet this challenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Explain that you\u2019ll give each child what they need, not give them each the same thing. Kennedy argues that this will help avoid comparisons in the short term and, in the long run, it will help your children define their wants and needs for themselves, not in reference to other people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: The way you allocate resources to each child can certainly trigger unhelpful comparisons, but there are other ways that parents encourage this problem. Often, parents actively compare their children, or label them as \u201cthe most\/least\u201d of some trait, which can encourage competition and passive-aggressiveness<\/a> and undermine confidence.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fears, anxiety, and crying\u2014even \u201cfake\u201d crying\u2014are expressions of vulnerability. <\/strong>Kennedy explains that when children perceive a threat, their bodies feel fear or anxiety. When they feel sadness, they cry. When they feel disconnected from their caregivers, they pretend-cry to secure that connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy argues that parents often shut down these expressions of vulnerability because they trigger uncomfortable feelings related to their own vulnerability. You might try to convince your child to stop being sad, anxious, or afraid, or even shame her for feeling that way. But this teaches her that these feelings are wrong and to be avoided, which leaves her unprepared for real life. Instead, support her through those feelings so she develops the tools to work through them in the future<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To help your child learn to work through her vulnerable feelings, Kennedy suggests the following tools: 1) confidence-building, 2) validation and empathy, and 3) playfulness. Let’s look at how building confidence in your child helps you meet this challenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy suggests starting by naming the feelings your child is experiencing and letting her know that it\u2019s okay to feel them, even if it\u2019s uncomfortable. Then, help her brainstorm strategies to deal with a fear or anxiety, and practice the strategies with her when you know a challenging situation is coming up. Share similar feelings you\u2019ve had in the past and how you worked through them. Let her know you\u2019re glad she\u2019s sharing this important information with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When kids are shy or hesitant to join in an activity or group, parents often worry that they\u2019re underconfident. But, as we\u2019ve seen, Kennedy believes that confidence is about being sure of what you feel and what does or doesn\u2019t feel good. A kid who takes her time before joining a group or activity is giving herself time to build trust in the group and situation<\/strong>\u2014this shows that she\u2019s confident about who she is and what feels good and safe for her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If your child has a tendency to be shy or hesitant, Kennedy suggests using the tools of validation and confidence-building. Let’s look at how building confidence in your child helps you meet this challenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy reminds you that hesitancy can be an important life skill as your child grows into a teenager and adult who will face unsafe situations. Refrain from calling your child shy, for example, because children will identify with the labels we assign them. Instead, describe how she\u2019s taking her time to feel comfortable. Tell your child that she\u2019ll know when she\u2019s ready to jump in and that there\u2019s no rush. This demonstrates that you trust her and that she can trust herself, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Other experts agree that hesitancy isn\u2019t about being afraid, but there may be more to it than Kennedy implies. In Quiet: The Power of Introverts<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>Susan Cain explains that introverted children are naturally cautious in new situations. This sensitivity may have survived evolution because it\u2019s associated with other survival-enhancing attributes<\/a>, such as observing carefully, looking before leaping, and processing information thoroughly. To help your hesitant child develop confidence<\/a>, Cain suggests teaching her how to find a comfortable role in a group, helping her practice speaking up, and role-playing how to behave in various situations.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Children need to develop frustration tolerance<\/a> because, as Kennedy explains, learning requires making mistakes and being okay with not knowing everything at first.<\/strong> Kids who have a tendency toward perfectionism need extra help with this because their self-worth is deeply tied to their achievements. (Shortform note: Developing frustration tolerance is important for more than being able to learn. In Daring Greatly<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>Bren\u00e9 Brown explains that perfectionism fosters anxiety, depression, and addiction<\/a>. It causes you to feel unable to take risks, make mistakes, or disappoint people without becoming debilitated by shame.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n To build your child\u2019s frustration tolerance, Kennedy suggests using the tool of confidence-building. She says you should encourage a growth mindset<\/a>. Be patient when your child gets frustrated and takes a while to figure things out, and be okay with getting frustrated when you\u2019re doing something difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: In Mindset<\/em><\/a>, Carol Dweck argues that your beliefs about your intelligence and ability can help or hinder you from reaching your potential<\/a>. Children learn one of two mindsets<\/a> from their parents, teachers, and coaches: that qualities such as intelligence are innate and unchangeable (the fixed mindset<\/a>) or that they can develop (the growth mindset<\/a>).)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kennedy also suggests that you praise kids<\/a> for what\u2019s inside them, not the outcome. She suggests that instead of saying \u201cgood job,\u201d you remark on how hard they worked or ask questions about the process. This centers their experience instead of the product and teaches them to look inside for validation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: In How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>the authors add that descriptive praise helps children notice their strengths and learn to praise themselves<\/a>. To build their confidence and encourage them to validate themselves, praise specific elements of their work or process.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Furthermore, Kennedy suggests that you reframe your role in your child\u2019s learning: Don\u2019t think of yourself as the teacher of the skill but as the coach showing your child how to cope with the struggle of learning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Coach your child through frustration by teaching her how to self-regulate when she gets upset. The authors of The Whole-Brain Child<\/em><\/a> <\/em>suggest you teach your child calming techniques<\/a> such as punching pillows, stomping her feet, or counting to 10.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Kennedy, bodily autonomy enables a child to say \u201cno\u201d when they don\u2019t feel comfortable with something<\/strong>, even if the boundary makes others upset. It\u2019s the result of a child trusting her internal cues and feeling confident in enforcing boundaries because she knows they matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To foster your child\u2019s developing bodily autonomy, Kennedy recommends using the tools of validation and confidence-building. Let’s look at how building confidence in your child helps you meet this challenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Assume that your child\u2019s experience is true. When your child expresses discomfort, hesitation, or some other negative feeling, Kennedy urges you to believe her. Don\u2019t tell her she\u2019s exaggerating or being silly. Remind her that only she can determine what feels good or bad in her body. Describe what she\u2019s feeling to help her learn how to explain it herself later on. When you\u2019re not sure what she\u2019s feeling or what\u2019s triggering her discomfort, Kennedy suggests you simply say there\u2019s something in the situation that feels bad to her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As we\u2019ve seen, children are evolutionarily wired to attach to their parents because this ensures their survival. Separation anxiety\u2014which manifests as crying, tantrumming, and other behaviors that happen when you say goodbye to your child\u2014is a result of this wiring. Kennedy explains that when you separate from her, she\u2019ll need to retain the sense of safety your presence gives her without having you with her<\/strong>. At bedtime, separation anxiety<\/a> is compounded by the fact that your child needs to feel safe to fall asleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To deal with separation anxiety, Kennedy suggests using these three tools: 1) connection, 2) confidence-building, and 3) playfulness. Let’s look at how building confidence in your child helps you meet this challenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Build a routine. Kennedy explains that knowing what to expect during this time will make it easier for your child to cope, which can help her feel more confident about facing the time away from you. Talk to your child about what the separation will look like and what you\u2019ll say and do. When it\u2019s time to separate, model confidence. If you project nervousness, your child will pick up on it, confirming her suspicions that it\u2019s not safe to be away from you. Kennedy argues that if you project confidence, she\u2019ll still be upset\u2014but she\u2019ll see that you\u2019re sure that it\u2019s okay for her to be away from you, so it must be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: To model confidence, you have to be <\/em>confident. The authors of The Whole-Brain Child<\/em><\/a> <\/em>argue that children can sense their parents\u2019 underlying emotions<\/a>. So, this is not the time to fake it till you make it. Instead, educate yourself on how to support<\/a> your child, choose strategies you feel comfortable with, and be confident that you can use them effectively.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Do your kids compare themselves to each other? Do you have a child who “pretend-cries”? Do you find yourself in a struggle at mealtimes and bedtimes? In her book Good Inside, clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy explains what confidence really means and how confident children are more equipped to handle what life throws at them. She shows how you can help your child develop this all-important trait and start using it to deal with a variety of situations. Read more to discover how building confidence in your child can help them meet six common challenges.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":23376,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,9],"tags":[1114],"class_list":["post-109560","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-psychology","tag-good-inside","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nBuilding Confidence in Your Child<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #1: Sibling Rivalry<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #2: Fear, Anxiety, & Crying<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #3: Hesitancy & Shyness<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #4: Frustration & Perfectionism<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #5: Bodily Autonomy & Relationships With Food<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Challenge #6: Separation Anxiety & Bedtime Struggles<\/h3>\n\n\n\n