{"id":109550,"date":"2023-07-20T16:54:00","date_gmt":"2023-07-20T20:54:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=109550"},"modified":"2023-08-02T10:36:07","modified_gmt":"2023-08-02T14:36:07","slug":"connecting-with-your-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-child\/","title":{"rendered":"How Connecting With Your Child Helps You Face 4 Challenges"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you struggle to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-get-your-kids-to-listen\/\">get your child to listen<\/a>? Do they throw tantrums or tell lies? Are they afraid to be away from you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Connecting with your child isn&#8217;t just beneficial for your relationship; it&#8217;s also a powerful tool to address several common <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/parenting-challenges\/\">parenting challenges<\/a>. Dr. Becky Kennedy explains how to use connection as a strategy to bring about positive behavioral change in your child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Continue reading to learn specific ways of connecting with your child that can make a difference for the whole family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-connecting-with-your-child\">Connecting With Your Child<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy\u2019s foundational tool is to take time to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-kids\/\">connect with your child<\/a> when you\u2019re both calm (not in the middle of a meltdown). Nurturing your connection with your child is important because, when your child is behaving in a way you don\u2019t like, it often stems from your child not feeling connected to you or from your child struggling with a feeling without an adult\u2019s support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Connecting with your child makes it possible to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Change behavior.<\/strong> Kids who feel connected to their caregivers feel good about themselves because they feel loved, safe, and confident. Those positive feelings make it easier for them to engage in the behaviors you want them to show.<\/li><li><strong>Generate goodwill. <\/strong>This will help your child be willing to comply with your rules and boundaries in the future.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Other parenting experts offer a brain-based explanation for the importance of connection when you\u2019re trying to shape your child\u2019s behavior. In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/no-drama-discipline\/1-page-summary\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>No-Drama Discipline<\/em><\/a><em>, <\/em>Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson argue that <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/no-drama-discipline\/1-page-summary#discipline-step-2-connect\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">connection sets the stage for kids to listen and learn<\/a>. When kids feel strong emotions like anger or frustration, they lose access to complex brain skills like emotional regulation and the ability to process new information. Empathic connection helps children calm down enough that they can access skills like logic, empathy, and problem-solving.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Challenge #1: Getting Your Child to Listen<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy argues that i<strong>f you believe your child doesn\u2019t listen to you, the issue isn\u2019t listening, but cooperating<\/strong>\u2014in other words, your child isn\u2019t complying with your requests. When your kid doesn\u2019t cooperate, it\u2019s likely because they\u2019re <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/feeling-disconnected-from-people\/\">feeling disconnected<\/a> from you or because you\u2019re asking them to do something they don\u2019t want to do. The latter is the nature of parenting, but <strong>there are ways to make your requests less confrontational and more engaging<\/strong>. Yelling, for example, only makes your child less likely to cooperate because they\u2019ll be in fight or flight mode.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To make your requests less confrontational, Kennedy recommends using the tools of connection, validation, and playfulness. Let&#8217;s look at how connecting with your child specifically addresses this <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/challenges-parents-face\/\">parenting challenge<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy recommends <strong>building your connection with your child <em>before<\/em> asking her to do something<\/strong>. Regularly spend at least 10 minutes one-on-one with your child (each individual child, if you have more than one) with no devices or distractions. Observe her play, describe what she does, or mimic her activities. Don\u2019t ask questions or give her instructions\u2014this is her time!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Challenge #2: Dealing With Tantrums<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy explains that <strong>tantrums are episodes in which a child is feeling emotions more powerful than what they\u2019re able to process,<\/strong> and they become dysregulated as a result. Tantrums aren\u2019t misbehavior\u2014they\u2019re a moment where your child\u2019s body gets out of their control. They\u2019re important for your child\u2019s development because they shape the foundation of them knowing what they want and being able to ask\u2014and, if necessary, fight\u2014for what they want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To help your child learn to regulate her emotions without squashing her emerging will and assertiveness, work with the underlying urge. Kennedy suggests using the tools of empathy, validation, and connection. Let&#8217;s look at how connecting with your child specifically addresses this parenting challenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Validate what your child is feeling and how powerful and important it is. Kennedy explains that putting your kid\u2019s urge into words tells her that you understand what she\u2019s experiencing, even if you can\u2019t allow her to have what she wants. At the same time, tell her that you\u2019re right there with her, and stay present until the tantrum subsides.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Challenge #3: Coping With Defiance, Whining, &amp; Lying<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Parents often see defiance, whining, and lying as signs of lack of respect, but Kennedy argues instead that <strong>they\u2019re symptoms of an underlying emotional discomfort<\/strong>. When your child engages in these behaviors, use <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/empathetic-connection\/\">empathy and connection<\/a> to validate what they\u2019re feeling, and to foster a relationship in which they don\u2019t need to resort to those behaviors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy recommends three tools for addressing each behavior: 1) boundaries, 2) validation, and 3) connection. Let&#8217;s look at how connecting with your child specifically addresses this parenting challenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy argues that a child who\u2019s lying wishes for something that isn\u2019t possible. It can be a desire for a fantasy to come true, to separate herself from something that might threaten her attachment to her caregivers, or to be independent. If the lie is about something that\u2019s not possible, restate the lie as a wish. If it\u2019s a desire to protect her attachment to you or to be independent, help her feel safe by telling her what you\u2019d do if, hypothetically, you knew the truth about whatever she\u2019s lying about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: When your child is whining because she feels overwhelmed or lying because she wants her situation to be different, there\u2019s another strategy that can help you validate her feelings, nurture your connection, and prevent the behavior from happening again, at least in the short term: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/peaceful-parents-happy-kids\/201611\/when-your-childs-whining-drives-you-crazy-try\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Hold her<\/a>. Experts argue that holding your child for several minutes when she\u2019s whining helps her know that you understand that she\u2019s not feeling okay.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Challenge #4: Soothing Separation Anxiety &amp; Bedtime Struggles<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>As we\u2019ve seen, children are evolutionarily wired to attach to their parents because this ensures their survival. Separation anxiety\u2014which manifests as crying, tantrumming, and other behaviors that happen when you say goodbye to your child\u2014is a result of this wiring. Kennedy explains that when you separate from her, <strong>she\u2019ll need to retain the sense of safety your presence gives her without having you with her<\/strong>. At bedtime, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/dr-becky-separation-anxiety\/\">separation anxiety<\/a> is compounded by the fact that your child needs to feel safe to fall asleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To deal with separation anxiety, Kennedy suggests using these three tools: 1) connection, 2) confidence-building, and 3) playfulness. Let&#8217;s look at how connecting with your child specifically addresses this parenting challenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Progressively increase the distance that feels safe during bedtime. Start by sitting on your child\u2019s bed, gently stroking her hair until she falls asleep. After a few days, move to the foot of the bed, and so on until you\u2019ve gradually moved to the other side of her open door. Kennedy recommends that each time you\u2019re going to move, you let her know about it that morning so she can mentally prepare.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you struggle to get your child to listen? Do they throw tantrums or tell lies? Are they afraid to be away from you? Connecting with your child isn&#8217;t just beneficial for your relationship; it&#8217;s also a powerful tool to address several common parenting challenges. Dr. Becky Kennedy explains how to use connection as a strategy to bring about positive behavioral change in your child. Continue reading to learn specific ways of connecting with your child that can make a difference for the whole family.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":74958,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,9],"tags":[1114],"class_list":["post-109550","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-psychology","tag-good-inside","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How Connecting With Your Child Helps You Face 4 Challenges - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Connecting with your child generates goodwill and leads to changed behavior. Here&#039;s how connection meets four specific parenting challenges.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-child\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How Connecting With Your Child Helps You Face 4 Challenges\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Connecting with your child generates goodwill and leads to changed behavior. 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