{"id":109491,"date":"2023-07-28T21:37:00","date_gmt":"2023-07-29T01:37:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=109491"},"modified":"2023-08-02T10:36:28","modified_gmt":"2023-08-02T14:36:28","slug":"frustrated-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/frustrated-child\/","title":{"rendered":"Have a Frustrated Child? How to Build Their Frustration Tolerance"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Is your child easily frustrated with themselves? Do they have perfectionistic tendencies?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Parenting is hard. That doesn&#8217;t mean that you&#8217;re a bad parent or that you have a bad kid. Dr. Becky Kennedy provides strategies that help you get to the root of your child&#8217;s behaviors so that you can effect <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/switch-by-chip-and-dan-heath\/\">lasting change<\/a> while keeping your relationship positive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here&#8217;s her advice for building up frustration tolerance in an easily-frustrated child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-handling-frustration-in-children\">Handling Frustration in Children<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Children need to develop frustration tolerance because, as Kennedy explains, <strong>learning requires making mistakes and being okay with not knowing everything at first.<\/strong> Frustrated children who have a tendency toward perfectionism need extra help with this because their self-worth is deeply tied to their achievements.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Developing frustration tolerance is important for more than being able to learn. In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/daring-greatly\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Daring Greatly<\/em><\/a><em>, <\/em>Bren\u00e9 Brown explains that <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/daring-greatly\/chapter-4-part-1#armor-2-perfectionism\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">perfectionism fosters anxiety, depression, and addiction<\/a>. It causes you to feel unable to take risks, make mistakes, or disappoint people without becoming debilitated by shame.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To build your child\u2019s frustration tolerance, Kennedy suggests using the tool of confidence-building. Specifically, she says you should encourage a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-characteristics\/\">growth mindset<\/a>. Be patient when your child gets frustrated and takes a while to figure things out, and be okay with getting frustrated when you\u2019re doing something difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/mindset\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Mindset<\/em><\/a>, Carol Dweck argues that your beliefs about your intelligence and ability can <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/mindset\/chapter-1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">help or hinder you from reaching your potential<\/a>. Children learn one of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/two-mindsets\/\">two mindsets<\/a> from their parents, teachers, and coaches: that qualities such as intelligence are innate and unchangeable (the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fixed-mindset-examples\/\">fixed mindset<\/a>) or that they can develop (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-growth-mindset\/\">the growth mindset<\/a>).)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy also suggests that you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/praising-children\/\">praise kids<\/a> for what\u2019s inside them, not the outcome. She suggests that instead of saying \u201cgood job,\u201d you remark on how hard they worked or ask questions about the process. This centers their experience instead of the product and teaches them to look inside for validation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/how-to-talk-so-kids-will-listen-and-listen-so-kids-will-talk\/1-page-summary\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>How to Talk So Kids Will Listen &amp; Listen So Kids Will Talk<\/em><\/a><em>, <\/em>the authors add that <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/how-to-talk-so-kids-will-listen-and-listen-so-kids-will-talk\/1-page-summary#use-descriptive-praise\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">descriptive praise helps children notice their strengths and learn to praise themselves<\/a>. To build their confidence and encourage them to validate themselves, praise specific elements of their work or process.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Furthermore, Kennedy suggests that you reframe your role in your child\u2019s learning: Don\u2019t think of yourself as the teacher of the skill but as the coach showing your child how to cope with the struggle of learning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Coach your child through frustration by teaching her how to self-regulate when she gets upset. The authors of <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-whole-brain-child\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The Whole-Brain Child<\/em><\/a><em> <\/em>suggest you <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-whole-brain-child\/chapter-3#emotional-and-physical-control\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">teach your child calming techniques<\/a> such as punching pillows, stomping her feet, or counting to 10.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Is your child easily frustrated with themselves? Do they have perfectionistic tendencies? Parenting is hard. That doesn&#8217;t mean that you&#8217;re a bad parent or that you have a bad kid. Dr. Becky Kennedy provides strategies that help you get to the root of your child&#8217;s behaviors so that you can effect lasting change while keeping your relationship positive. Here&#8217;s her advice for building up frustration tolerance in an easily-frustrated child.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":109499,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,9,43],"tags":[1114],"class_list":["post-109491","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-psychology","category-self-improvement","tag-good-inside","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Have a Frustrated Child? How to Build Their Frustration Tolerance - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Kids must develop frustration tolerance as learning requires making mistakes and accepting them. 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