{"id":109443,"date":"2023-08-01T16:45:00","date_gmt":"2023-08-01T20:45:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=109443"},"modified":"2023-08-02T10:36:33","modified_gmt":"2023-08-02T14:36:33","slug":"how-to-get-your-kids-to-listen","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-get-your-kids-to-listen\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Get Your Kids to Listen: 3 Tools to Elicit Cooperation"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do your kids ignore you when you tell them to do something? Do they talk back or attempt to negotiate?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy is also a mother of three, so she knows the struggle. She recommends using connection, validation, and playfulness to make your interactions less confrontational and more effective.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Continue reading to learn how to get your kids to listen with these three tools.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-to-get-your-kids-to-listen\">How to Get Your Kids to Listen<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy argues that, if you believe your child doesn\u2019t listen to you, the issue isn\u2019t listening; it&#8217;s cooperating. In other words, your child isn\u2019t complying with your requests. When your kid doesn\u2019t cooperate, it\u2019s likely because they\u2019re <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/feeling-disconnected-from-people\/\">feeling disconnected<\/a> from you or because you\u2019re asking them to do something they don\u2019t want to do. The latter is the nature of parenting, but there are ways to make your requests less confrontational and more engaging. Yelling, for example, only makes your child less likely to cooperate because they\u2019ll be in fight or flight mode.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy shares her advice on how to get your kids to listen, recommending three tools that will help you elicit cooperation from your child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Kids aren\u2019t the only ones who can have a hard time listening. The authors of <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/difficult-conversations\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Difficult Conversations<\/em><\/a><em> <\/em>argue that <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/difficult-conversations\/chapter-9\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">one of the most common complaints about difficult conversations with adults is that the other person isn\u2019t listening<\/a>. When we feel others aren\u2019t listening to us, we tell ourselves they\u2019re stubborn, don\u2019t care what we have to say, or don\u2019t understand it. But people stop listening when they don\u2019t feel <em>heard<\/em>. The way to get someone\u2014whether a child or adult\u2014to listen to you is to put a genuine, concerted effort into making sure they feel heard first.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Tool #1: Connection<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy recommends <strong>building your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-child\/\">connection with your child<\/a> <em>before<\/em> asking her to do something<\/strong>. Regularly spend at least 10 minutes one-on-one with your child (each individual child, if you have more than one) with no devices or distractions. Observe her play, describe what she does, or mimic her activities. Don\u2019t ask questions or give her instructions\u2014this is her time!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Other parenting experts explain why one-on-one time with your child strengthens your connection. In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/1-2-3-magic\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>1-2-3 Magic<\/em><\/a><em>, <\/em>Phelan writes that having quality one-on-one time shows her that you enjoy her company. This tells her you not only love her\u2014<a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/1-2-3-magic#enjoying-one-on-one-time\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">you also<em> like<\/em> her<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Tool #2: Validation<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Acknowledge that you\u2019re interrupting your child\u2019s activities or that you\u2019re asking for something they don\u2019t like. Then, Kennedy suggests involving your child in the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/methods-of-decision-making-crucial-conversations\/\">decision-making<\/a>. For example, give her options, like tidying up alone or with your help, or brainstorm ways to make the task more agreeable, like playing music while tidying up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/how-to-talk-so-kids-will-listen-and-listen-so-kids-will-talk\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>How to Talk So Kids Will Listen &amp; Listen So Kids Will Talk<\/em><\/a><em>, <\/em>Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish agree that validating your child\u2019s feelings fosters cooperation. They add that <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/how-to-talk-so-kids-will-listen-and-listen-so-kids-will-talk#3-give-autonomy-get-cooperation-in-return\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">focusing on problem-solving instead of authority<\/a> gives your child space to think of her own solutions. This fosters her autonomy and your connection with her.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Tool #3: Playfulness<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy also suggests sprinkling some silliness onto your asks, especially the less enticing ones. For example, close your eyes and say that if the task is done by the time you open them, you\u2019ll run around the room in a victory lap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-whole-brain-child\/1-page-summary\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The Whole-Brain Child<\/em><\/a><em>, <\/em>Siegel and Bryson explain another benefit of playfulness: It helps your child integrate with other people. Showing your child how fun and rewarding it is to be in a relationship with <em>you\u2014<\/em>her first and primary relationship\u2014will <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-whole-brain-child\/1-page-summary\/#integrating-your-child-with-other-people\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">encourage her to build healthy relationships with<em> other people<\/em><\/a>, as well.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do your kids ignore you when you tell them to do something? Do they talk back or attempt to negotiate? Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy is also a mother of three, so she knows the struggle. She recommends using connection, validation, and playfulness to make your interactions less confrontational and more effective. Continue reading to learn how to get your kids to listen with these three tools.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":37032,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,13,9],"tags":[1114],"class_list":["post-109443","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-parenting","category-psychology","tag-good-inside","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Get Your Kids to Listen: 3 Tools to Elicit Cooperation - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If your kids ignore you, talk back, or try to negotiate, you&#039;ll appreciate Dr. Becky&#039;s advice. 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